Davion2308's Log

[davion2308]

Journal or diary seem like silly words to me, so I'm keeping a log. I almost started one before at work, but I didn't want to save a word document that may bring problems to my employment. This is something I can do when I feel the need to create. Creation is one of my ways of combatting the urges to look at porn. I have a few rules for those who are reading and commenting on my log.

1. I do believe mb is okay. I have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife and I do mb from time to time. I'm not trying to get away from that aspect of my life.
2. I am attempting to go fourteen days without porn. I have set a date as a challenge to strengthen my willpower.
3. I do not want to cut out porn completely. I see it as enjoyable and comparable to TV or video games. But, I want to control it. I don't want to sit in front of a computer for seven hours straight and not be able to tear myself away. I want to not feel the pulling and tugging of the computer. I want to regain my own life back.

That being said, I have gone four days without porn. I am feeling a little anxious, but I'm fighting it. Writing helps me. Unfortunately, the weather is adverse and outside is not much of an option. I plan on lifting weights, exercising, and cleaning the fridge before I go meet up with my wife later this evening. We'll be out all night, so the computer really won't bother me too much. Most of the time, when I'm gone, I don't think too much about porn. It's only when I'm home, alone, with time, that I really start to get concerned. But I'm better then this. I'm not only cutting out porn, I'm cutting out heavy salts, junk food, and some other bad habits.

This is going to be a lifestyle change.

[davion2308]

It's Saturday, and I'm still going strong. No P for since Sunday of last week. I would REALLY REALLY like to get online and briefly look at some P, but I know it'll turn into the entire evening. I think, "I'll just go on this one site or just that one site, but it always gets to more." It's tough.

What I really like are the daily-updated viewer-submitted sites. It's always new and right up a particular alley that I call my 'fetish,' for want of better word. I wonder what I've missed and I think about making up the time for it. It's terrible, because I need to do some school work (college) and I need to clean some house. I use P as a way to escape from these other necessities of life. My wife left for a work a few minutes ago, and I immediately jumped on the computer. I haven't clicked on anything and I won't. I do need to do some school work, so I'll do that, then I'll go and do the kitchen and the living room. Knowing my wife is gone for the night (she works until 2:00 am), I also tried making plans with some friends to go out and see a movie.

I KNOW my trigger is being home alone with nothing. I'm right in the teeth of a pretty strong urge, but I'm going to fight it off. I'm stronger then this and I can control it. I can control myself and my actions.

I'm not really sure what the weekend circles are about, but I'm really interested. Maybe that will be something to check out. Good luck, everyone who's also getting stronger as we speak!

[davion2308]

My habits are always to jump on the computer when my wife isn't around. I did that tonight. I stared at my schoolwork for a while, then I came here to avoid it. Having something to do, reading all your stories and what you're sharing with each other, helps to no end. I was debating whether or not I could make it through today, but I'm about to get off the computer and go do some work around the house that needs to be done. I've made it through a potential trigger and I'm on top. I am so proud of myself and I'm excited. When I'm on P, I worry about my wife coming home early or showing up for some reason. I've been completely calm, because I have something to do on here and I'm not desparately trying to click away and upset her.

I'm sure I will end up here later tonight as I rage through this weekend alone.

[william1000]

Hi Davion
Best of luck with what you are trying to do.
You have your own aims and targets.
For me I am trying to cut out P and M as they are both intertwined and destructive for me in my life. The way you are thinking is probably the way I did a few years ago.
I've learn to hate P and all it stands for. Mainly because of the damage it does to the people who make it (it must have shocking consequences for their lives), the damage it does to marriages, the time it wastes.
You don't feel the same way and I respect that. Reduction is better than nothing. I wish you luck
William

[tomlincolnsixecho]

davion, Great job getting online for your recovery. I have thought about this long and hard for my own recovery, and that is to look at a little bit of porn. Firstly if you are doing something and its not affecting the desires and goals you have then great, you will be totally fine to view porn or do whatever you want. However in my case, viewing porn, acting out, stops me from achieving my goals, because I can't control myself. The real goals I want to achieve, might be to form a relationship, build friends, socialise, go on a holiday. However for me when I download porn, it takes up an entire evening, morning, and I end up going to work with two hours sleep. I believe if the porn is affecting your life, then you should get rid of it. Personally if I had a partner, I'd rather spend quality time with her, than selfishly by myself.

keep it up, Find out exactly what you want to achieve out of the recovery, and form a plan, a plan will get you moving, then you will know what you have to do.

[davion2308]

Thanks for the words.

I am still deciding what exactly I am seeking here. I have had many problems where I would spend an entire night and early morning looking at p. I would go to work a little late because of it. I would not complete simply tasks, like getting a haircut, because I would hurry home from work to get on the computer. That's the problem to me. Maybe I'm still young and not really sure how I'm affected, so I'm currently cutting it out completely. This is tough for me. At the end of 14 days, we'll see where I am.

If it is even better then I expected, I will try to stay p-free. I'm just not sure yet what I'm exactly going for right now.

Thanks for the support, I know either way, everyone will be accepting. I appreciate it.

[unico]

3. I do not want to cut out porn completely. I see it as enjoyable and comparable to TV or video games. But, I want to control it. I don't want to sit in front of a computer for seven hours straight and not be able to tear myself away. I want to not feel the pulling and tugging of the computer. I want to regain my own life back

hi Davion, if you have been spending up to 7 hrs straight viewing porn I would say you have a serious porn addiction. I was in a similar position to you regarding the quantity of porn I was watching. I have chosen to completely remove porn from my life. Right now nearly 7 months down the line, I have no doubt that if I were to use porn again, it would be addictive i.e. it would not be manageable, or pleasurable. I don't think you will ever be able to use porn in a casual way again. We crossed the bridge from casual use to addiction some time back. There is no way back in my opinion, only forwards to a porn free existence.
Take care my friend, remember I am only expressing my opinion, it's important you set your own goals.
p.s. you may come in for a lot of flack if you express the opinion that porn is pleasurable on the General and Recovery boards. There are a lot of hurting people here, and they are likely to lash out if they have been burned by porn. Don't want to put you off (like you I believe a Journal is a place to express your feelings and not get jumped on) just wanted to tell you how it can be here.

unico

[davion2308]

I completely understand where you folks are coming from. I can completely, if not understand, empathize with you. If I watched an addiction come and shatter my life, my relationships, my self-worth, and my very being, I would probably be strongly opposed to a person who wants to continue 'recreational' use of said addiction. I can respect that and I can honor the promises and goals you are all making to yourselves and to us.

Saying that, I appreciate the respect you've given me. I know I have a problem. I know it is an addiction. I am still trying to figure out the hows and the whys and the whats of my condition. I have had an incredible week of being p-free. I really like it. Right now, I can see myself doing this for a long time. But, I also want to be the master of my universe. Maybe it's my ego talking, but I would like to be able to control what I do. I want to be able to enjoy every facet of life responsibly and reasonably, including p.


I guess I'm still sorting out the mess. I'm hoping I can just 'prove' to myself that I can control it and it's not a problem. That may make me worse off then the folks who are cutting out p 100%. Just rereading what I've written, I am in a substage of denial right now. I'm human, though, and I'm learning about myself as I'm going along.

I know I have everyone's support here, and I like to hear your opinions. It usually takes another person to show one the right path. When I need you, I know I can count on you. Thanks.

[davion2308]

The above being said, I have an announcement.

This is the longest I've ever gone p-free since I've started looking at p. Seven days. One week. It's sounds so short, but it's an eternity. I look at seven hashmarks and I get excited about putting down an eighth tomorrow. My wife is at work until late afternoon today, but I have no hankering whatsoever of looking at p. I'm doing some homework, and I'm going to exercise and watch some football.

Yesterday, the movies didn't pan out. I was in the house all by myself the entire night. I never really came close to looking at p. Every time I sat at the computer, I opened my log. I was ready to go. Instead of typing searches, I typed entries. It is a brilliant plan and it makes me happy and proud. The past week I've never felt more free. I'm available to do anything. Instead of avoiding the potential to go out with a friend to see a movie, I was chomping at the bit to get out of the house. I did some serious dust-busting in the kitchen. I feel good.

This isn't getting easier, but seeing the side of life where p doesn't take center stage is an eye-opening experience.

Anyway, I'm feeling motivated and I have stuff to finish.

Thanks, everyone!

[davion2308]

*THERE MAY BE TRIGGERS! BE ADVISED*

It's 4:30, I'm at work, and I'm feeling the first pangs of missing porn. I'm starting to struggle a little here. I was really excited yesterday that I made it a week and it wasn't tough.

Now it is. It's going to be difficult, but I can get through this. I do have access to looking at porn at work, but I haven't yet. I'm fighting the urge and the dull thudding in my crotch. Not that I'm even turned on. I just feel like I need to look. I'm thinking maybe you were right, with the "not able to enjoy porn in a normal manner" argument. There's something that's compelling me to find something, ANYTHING, with a naked chick. ANYTHING. My strategy of just resisting suddenly doesn't seem like enough. This is not the first time I've felt this, but it is the first time I'm really resisting it. I know I'm not going to check out any porn, but it's really hard.

I could probably type that sentence over and over.

I'm going to leave work, go to a Christmas party, then go home. Luckily, my wife is home already and I won't have a chance to look at porn. I'll get it on with her and that might help my urge.

I read an article in one of her magazines where a guy and his wife had sex every day for six weeks. He said after the first week, it got way better then him mbing. After a few days, it was very enjoyable and fun to hit the rhythm. I'm hoping that a few days more days of me avoiding porn might help me get back in touch with my wife. We do have sex, but it could be much more often.

So, I'm leaving for tonight. I'll be back tomorrow. I'm going to tough this out.

[breakingfree]

I'm hoping I can just 'prove' to myself that I can control it and it's not a problem. That may make me worse off then the folks who are cutting out p 100%. Just rereading what I've written, I am in a substage of denial right now

.

My friend, there is no control. If you can control it (many can, obviously) then you are not an addict and wasting time here.

One of the biggest lies addicts tell themselves is "I can control it".

Addiction is by definition and nature, uncontrollable. It is a compulsion. You don't control compulsions, they control you.

In AA there is a saying, One drink is too many, a thousand never enough. Substitute the work picture for drink, One picture is too many, a thousand never enough.

THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND. There is sobriety or addiction. Nothing else. You decide where you want your life to go, or you addiction will choose for you.

Stay strong, my brother.

bf

[davion2308]

So, I've taste the bitter flavor of failure before, but I feel really about this.

I tripped up yesterday and looked at porn for an hour. I wasn't even trying, it just crept up on me.

We have a desktop computer and my wife's laptop. The desktop was being used for some work with floppy disks. We're done with it now, so I was getting ready to put it into storage. She never uses that computer, so I was just hanging out, home early from work, and I clicked on one of my old favorite websites. And I stayed a while. The whole time, I didn't feel good about it. It wasn't even that enjoyable, but I couldn't look away. After some time, I finally said, "I need to stop this." And I turned the computer off and packed it up.

I'm sorry. I feel really bad about it. I was very proud of my 9 days of sobriety. It's a record for me. I can apologize to myself, to the Weekenders, to everyone else, and my wife, but it's not productive.

What I DO think I need to do is change my mentality. I got blasted the other day for saying I want to enjoy porn reasonably and without major problems. I am beginning to believe that this is not possible. My counter is zeroed. I'm back at start, but I learned a lot about myself from the past week.

I'm excited to get back on the horse. I'm going to get back into a rhythm of no porn for the next few days. We're flying home to visit our families over Christmas, and that's a solid week without the possibility of porn. Then, I go right into the new year strong and capable.

I knew everyone's bound to trip up, but it's not a fun feeling. I can do this and I'll be better.

[davion2308]

Day two (redux). I'm feeling as comfortable and confident as before. I've found that if I read my journals and I reread Weekenders, I get a lot of strength to fight. This is still a wonderful discovery and it's amazing what we're trying to do here.

Folks, be tough and stay strong. We're in it together. I'm feeling good, I'm excited for a week of vacation, and I get to see my family again.

[davion2308]

I'm back after a long holiday with the family. I am starting the new year counting days of '08. I hope this will help me out.

I'm only a few days into my "fresh start," which is only words, I've been going strong since before New Year's Eve, and I feel fine. My wife and I are doing well, we're having relations almost every day. It's nice to come home excited that my wife is around. I occasionally was really excited when she wasn't home, so I could look at porn online. Now, I appreciate her more and I enjoy being with her.

But, I'm in Day 3. I'm doing well again. I know it's a rollercoaster, but right now I'm flying high.