mrbister's journal: a non-religious journey.

[mrbister]

Hi there to all the fellow addicts on here. This is my first recovery journal. My final sobriety has started as of October the 25th.

This will be the journal of recovery for myself, a non-religious man of 21 years of age. Through this journal I will be regaining the entire grip I once had on myself. Through this journal I hope to help others do the same. Furthermore, I hope that by adding myself to the growing number of self-admitted addicts of P it will go some way towards this problem that we all have being taken seriously by the wider world. We all know what we are struggling with, and yes there are a great many of us. But it is still hard to find any willing admittance by the mainstream of society that this problem genuinely exists. It's time that this stopped and the problem was properly accepted and dealt with. Surely without doing that the problem can only propagate. I have witnessed articles in womens' magazines that point toward a growing knowledge of this lurking threat but at best it recognises it only as a choice that a man takes and in no way as an addiction. It must be made known that this is a genuine addiction and that as such it is as serious as any other. It has the capacity to destroy lives of users and those close to them. The sooner the problem is acknowledged fully, the sooner we can progress at dealing with it. Enough about this for now.

I also hope this can be a place to discuss psychological and philosophical issues related to recovery in all its forms. Furthermore I wish to make it plain that whilst I am non-religious I do not take religious believers on here to have views intrinsically less valid, and I would like to hear from a believer as much as a non-believer on this thread. Please don't hesitate to post for that reason. Support is support, no matter who it comes from. Moreover, opinions and debate are just what they are, irrespective of who states them.

Now that I am done with that bit I would just like to fill in a few more details. I have been attempting to go sober for several years and every time I have started it has inevitably ended. The longest spell I have gone without since I started battling was a little in excess of 100 days. A few times I have hit around 60 days. Several times I have hit around 30. Now this is my big push, keeping a journal and meeting with others like me. I hope that by using this site regularly I will be able to overcome this. Knowing that others are witnesses to my actions and that to some extent they are reliant on my success. My strength builds their strength, but equally my weakness furthers theirs. So for that reason failure is all the worse.

Finally, I am now intending to abstain from P, from any kind of fantasy related to P or my experience of it, and from using any kind of adult chat to discuss P.

This is the start of my sobriety and my recovery. I do not want to let myself down. I do not want to let my girlfriend down. I do not want to let any of you down.

Good luck to everyone who is fighting one of the hardest battles to be fought. I hope I can eventually prove myself to be some kind of inspiration to others in order that they may be helped by my own recovery.

All the best.

October 25th, 4 days and counting.

[theloneliestmonk]

Congratulations on posting here and on your first 4 days. It's a big step. For me, it has been the biggest step so far in allowing me to be honest with myself and with others.

I have been successful in abstaining from P and chat, but the fantasy part has been hard. I can control where the mouse clicks but not always where my mind wanders. Any tips you pick up on the way I would be grateful for.

Anyway, best of luck to you. You can do it.

[mrbister]

So, first update. Only a short one.
It's weird but contrary to so many people I find at times that the first few days of going without are the easiest. Maybe up to the first week. It's the time in which resolve is freshest in the mind for me. It becomes harder after those days, and sure there are the odd times when I may get an urge in the first few days. I think that my mind tends to be calmest during those days though, at its most free from the lure. It is easily occupied by more constructive things. Perhaps it's something to do with the number of times I've gone through "the first few days" in the past. Anyway, so far so good. In spite of a pretty stressful evening, and feeling a bit ill, both of which are often triggers for me, I got through urge-free finding far more interest and solace in reading in my room than turning to the laptop on my desk for "quick fixes" (which almost inevitably become binges as we all now).
I guess there are times when feeling low and stressed can be dealt with in a more effective way and the brain remembers that instead of answering to the "beast's" (as I've seen it referred to) call for its usual fix a much better solution is to engage the brain in something relaxing. Feeding the addiction actually uses up quite a bit of intense concentration and is tiring, plus it also simply gives some massive high which actually doesnt help the stress at all. It merely allows one to forget and escape it temporarily only for it to come back afterwards with the addition of guilt and self loathing. Queue the usual destructive cycle.

But it seems the brain really needs some peace, some time to relax, and something to nourish it, even if that be some music to chill to as opposed to a decent book, or just contemplation of relaxation or dreaming of being somewhere that you'd really like to be. Perhaps a mountain, perhaps the ocean, in space, or just in the arms of a loved one. Pleasant calming thoughts.

Of course this answer is pretty obvious, it's always the answer to stress. Relax, unwind. Let the mind unravel.

Well I hope everyone had a successful night or day wherever you are in the world. I'll post here again soon. So much for the short post, looks like it became pretty long. I guess I've just been letting my mind unravel here a little.

Enough relaxing, it's time to get on with the day. All the best.

[mrbister]

P.S. FAO thelonliestmonk and everyone else who's interested on the issue he raised - If you find your mind wondering. Here's a recommendation from me, there may be lots of other good advice too, especially religious advice for religious believers that I am not in a position to give.
This is what I offer though:
Find something creative or constructive which you really enjoy doing. The sex drive is the biggest source for creativity and can be channeled into it. In fact, for the average joe who doesn't suffer as we suffer the energy which remains pent up finds outlets in creativity or alternatively motivation. When your mind wonders go and engage in this activity of creativity. Focus on doing that and achieve what your creativity urges you to make. Hopefully doing this will help. Being constructive is also a good outlet though often harder to focus on I find: do something you feel will improve you as a person in some way. Read a book, read the news, read an informative magazine. Something like that.
If neither of these work there is one option though it is generally less desirable I find. That is to bide time until you can get past the mind wondering with some form of light yet absorbing entertainment. An example would be to play a game of some type. Solitaire card games, computer or video games. Whichever. Just to distract your mind from its wonderings to give you a chance to regain control.

Ultimately it would be best if you could attend to your mind when it is wondering and instead of finding a way to divert it simply stop it in its tracks. Try to mentally blinker it so it can't stray and when it does barriers immediately go up to prevent it from getting too far. Of course channeling into creativity and constructive behaviour is beneficial, but ultimately you want to be able to rule the beast and choose when to be creative and constructive rather than find the source of your creativity and constructiveness in its wild unstoppable wonderings. I hope this in some way helps and opens up debate or at least prompts other suggestions to aid others during times of struggling.

Of course this is all mostly just opinion.

Thanks for listening.

[mrbister]

Time for another update. Yesterday was so busy that I didn't get a chance. Still, keeping busy means no time to even think about P. So yesterday was very easy.

In the morning I had to go out for 2 lectures, returned home for lunch before attending football practice in the afternoon. Got home, made and had dinner. Watched an episode of a tv show with my gf whilst doing that. Then headed out to meet some friends for a bit in the eve. Being so worn out from football earlier in the day meant that by the time I got back from meeting with those friends I was ready to hit the hay.

Whenever I have even momentarily encountered thoughts of P I have instantly remembered firstly my day counter, and secondly this board. And the second thought really drives home the importance of staying P free. I know I would never have found myself on this forum if it hadn't got so bad that I felt something drastic needed doing. it can serve as a constant reminder to me not to go back.

So yesterday was the 7th day free. And when the end of today comes it'll be the 8th. I have the whole day at home today which usually means there's lots of temptation. But if I experience any I'll be shutting it out right way. I'm going to be very busy concentrating on studying as well as sorting a few important things out.

Well I guess this is a boring post that's gone on far too long. The important thing is that I've been basically urge free, killing off even the faintest hint of a P thought before it actually develops into one. When I sense the P track engaging I switch it back instantly to continue on the path I had previously been on. Just getting on with things.

Well I hope you're all having a good day. For now I'm happy. (Although I'm expecting to incur the wrath of a friend later, it's a long story that's not for here. But it won't shunt me in the wrong direction so it's not so bad.)

Good luck in your sobriety.

[mrbister]

Well, here's the update for yesterday. 1 week in.
I spent all day at home and didn't find much difficulty.
One thing I did find a slight issue, however, was some course reading I have to do.

Actually this course reading is extremely interesting and also pretty topical. I have to read some papers on sexual desire and on sexual perversion. However, at times I found it was making me think of my desires so I had to focus to switch off from them. I managed ok, I wasn't even close to slipping or anything like that. But it did still cause a bit of a challenge that I'd have been better off, or at least more content, without. The topic is fascinating though. And I suspect I'll find much of interest relating to the issue we're all here to face together.

Well, I'm at home all day again to work. I'm feeling confident that things will go well though. Plenty to look forwards to later too, going to watch a firework display with my gf and friends. That and the work should keep me away from thoughts of P without too much trouble.

Hoping for a productive day. Hope all of you have a productive day too. Enjoy yourselves and don't get dragged down under the strain of fighting off P. Good luck.

[mrbister]

I spent a whole day at home again yesterday. It wasn't as productive as I'd hoped, but this was nothing to do with P. I just wasn't organised enough! So yesterday went by without any problems. The only thing I found was when I woke this morning my mind briefly strayed into P territory, attempting to recollect certain things I saw. However, I quickly forced those thoughts out before they became anything more than the beginnings of ideas. They really didn't develop into anything as they were gone within a minute or maybe less of them starting. I was aware right away of their presence and immediately took action to think about something else. No problems there.

Well, the fireworks were excellent. And it was a good day. Today should be another good one.

Good luck to everyone.

[mrbister]

Another day passed without any problems. These early days seem to be one of two things: either impossibly hard, or surprisingly easy. Either way after a little while that seems to change.
I think I'm finding it easy this time because at the time of starting sobriety I had not been looking at any visual stimuli for a long time (except perhaps once but that was very few and for a very brief time) and it's the visual images that I find hard to get out of my mind usually. Just thoughts or concepts isn't so tough. For me it's when you get a picture in your head that it's tough. And in the past when I've tried to quit after binges the images are practically etched into my mind for the first week or so which makes it so much harder to deal with. As it stands, there are almost no images coming to my mind, just concepts. Concepts are usually what is left for me after going cold turkey from P for a while, but because I haven't been seeing any visual P for such a long time (only reading it really) I seem to have skipped that stage where I get the mental images and gone straight to the stage of concepts.

That doesn't mean it'll stay easy though. After a while the concepts start to give me the occassional craving and cloud my judgements so that I'm more tempted to get that visual fix. And today I'm feeling quite tired and worn down. I'm getting more thoughts about P than usual and even a few images. It feels harder today. But I WILL resist any faint calling to "just take a quick look" or anything. That won't happen. I just wish today could be as easy as all the previous days.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be completely distracted soon so it shouldn't bother me then. It's just right now with being tired, and the ringing in my ears from the gig I went to last night giving me a mild headache. It would usually be pushing me in the P direction, and it's kind of trying to now. But I'm staying firm on this and saying no. The concepts aren't developing into anything coherent, I'm not entertaining the thoughts - just letting them go on by without taking a moment to dwell on them. It's stopping it from happening. I'm glad that I can do that. Just let thought come and go in my mind without engaging them if I choose. (By the way anyone can do this if they practice, I'm sure loads if not most of you already do. But it is useful to prevent urges from developing).

Ok well time to get on with my day. I hope you're all keeping up with your intentions, stay alert. All the best.

[william1000]

HI Mrbister,

Best of luck with your struggle.
Interesting to see you state you are a non-religous.
I am a Catholic and for alot of my life I was filled with that Catholic guilt.
Religion I find very difficult. I'd like to think all I have been taught is correct but its full of holes.
I can neither comprehend it being true or comprehend it being false.
Either gives a me a cold chill through my body.
I certainly feel a lift in my "Soul" (whatever that may be" since I stopped looking at P 3 weeks ago. You seem to have gone long stretches and then fallen back.
This I haven't faced yet and find hard to understand from where I a sitting today.
Way is specific events that made you fall back after 6 months. Its seems such a long time to have coped with it. At the back of my mind I feel as if I got to 6 months my problems would be over. Its scary that it wouldn't be. I have found it strangley easy so far. One or two thoughts crossed my mind but I got over them. I'm nervous of a monster in the grass 6 months on waiting to grab me. I hope this won't be the case. Its something I really want to do as I want to be best person I can be regardless of whether something follows on from this life. At least I would be honest to what I feel is my true self.

Best of luck
William

[mrbister]

Hi William.
Yes, I state that I'm "non-religious" as I am not an atheist. Technically I may be known as agnostic but to many this has some slightly negative connotations so I use the term of reference "non-religious" instead.
I am similar in that I cannot fully comprehend god / an ultimate entity as either being completely false or a matter of certain reality.
It is good that you are feeling lifts in your "soul".
I have gone long stretches and then fallen back, yes. Not quite six months, but certainly 3 months and a bit more. It does seem hard to think that you may slip after long periods of time before the first time it happens. The problem comes partly from being over-secure, partly from feeling like you have reached a state of full recovery where a tiny part of you may kid yourself into thinking you are no longer affected or at the very least that if you are then it's worth testing it to find out, and also by being in a society in which P material is so prevalent in varying degrees. What you must always bare in mind is that you will never be able to see P without it causing you problems. The problem is not like a stomach bug which once gone never returns. Think of it more as food poisoning. You may be poisoned once. But no matter how long it's been since then or how many times it has happened, you will always be sick by eating the same poison again. You will not develop an immunity to it. Salmonella is salmonella. It'll make you sick time and again. So remember that your mind is like your stomach in this sense, and that each time you take that poison that you first had you will suffer in the same way again.

It's funny but it doesn't seem like this was obvious to me or many others in the first place. Truth be told though, it really was. The problem is that the addict part of you is exceptionally good at taking control and clouding your judgements if ever given a chance. Letting your guard down agaisnt it even for a moment can be catastrophic. Although the frequency with which the addict part of you tries to have another fix decreases with time, it's important to remember that whenever it does reappear you must be instantly on guard against its desires.

There will always be a monster in the grass, but it doesn't have to grab you. It's down to you to be sure of that. Think of yourself as a hunter on the plains. All his life he must wonder through the grass in which there could be a lion waiting. For his entire life he must remain guarded against the sudden appearance of a lion. He must train himself not to be alarmed by the lion's sudden appearance but to act in a set fashion which he knows will allow him to escape. Being alarmed he may take the wrong action and fall prey to the lion. Staying calm and remembering the correct way to act in this situation he will escape. He must have utter faith in this way of responding to the lion's appearance so as not to succumb to the alarm he would otherwise be experiencing. He must not hesitate to act on it either or else the lion will get too close for him to escape. The only way for him to get away is if he responds instantly without hesitation. Succumbing to the alarm and taking the wrong action or hesitating to act will cost the huntsman his life.
You must not succumb to the alarm of your lion's sudden appearance, you must remember the safe way to act in order to escape and you must have utter faith in this. Don't hesitate to follow it. Hesitation or failure to follow the specific way of responding to the lion's appearance will likely cost you everything.

If you can live like the huntsman must live you can be your true self.

All the best.

[mrbister]

I just wanted to post an update to say that the sobriety is still going strong. I had something of a catharsis yesterday over an issue that has affected my life for quite some time (other than the P addiction) and it made me wonder if it had something to do with the addiction which I developed. Facing something that scared me in the past has made me feel a little relief. Perhaps it has lifted, at least temporarily, some weight off my shoulders. And the more weight we carry the more temptation there is to cave in to the addiction in my experience. So this temporary lightening has probably helped make me feel a little better about things.

I did start to think deeply about other factors of my past that may have also contributed to driving me toward this addiction. I have thought about these things many times but the more I think about it the more it adds up. That's not to say that I don't think I was to some extent predisposed to succumbing to this particular addiction, but I think there are factors involved that can drive someone toward their addiction or help to steer them clear. Unfortunately we've all been driven in the wrong direction.

When I was lying in bed awake early this morning and in a very tired state I did get some thoughts entering my mind. I managed to get rid of them but I entertained them for longer than usual. I think it was a result of my emotional state from the day before perhaps. The addict calling for relief from the emotional stress. So although that emotional outlet did me some good, it did bring on the craving to a slight degree. I remained mindful of it though and soon allowed my mind to cease indulging the thoughts. It's something we all just have to get used to if we want to recover.

Well, I don't think I've got much more to say for now. Just that I hope for a good day today.

I hope you all have a good day too. Best wishes.

[mrbister]

Well, it's been quite a few days since I last wrote in here. Things have been fine on the whole. Today is 18 days since I went truly sober. And to remind myself why: it's for my personal benefit and for those close to me, particularly my SO. If I go down the P route I face ruining my progression in so many things. And at this point in my life it's important for nothing to be ruined and for me to be able to concentrate fully. That's not to say that it's ever ok to slip, but just that so much is at stake here as I pave the way for my future.

I grant and accept that I cannot make firm choices about the future on matters external to my own mind, and frankly I am happy not to, but things I do now will effect my future. I can guide myself into better or worse waters. I want to voyage in those which are better. I'm sure everybody does.

So things are about to get interesting as I immerse myself in learning and understanding Buddhist philosophical principles. This has so many benefits. I find it fascinating and always wanted to learn more, and simultaneously I may be able to help myself in regards to the addiction, as well as in many other ways, and to cap it all off while I'm benefitting from this I will also be furthering my degree in a significant way. So it's all pretty excellent. I already know some basic concepts but I really want to get inside it and properly understand it. Actually, I really have to seeing as it's for my degree. It's not just a want. Still, what can be better than satisfying a want with a need? I have a feeling that most want's come down to unfulfilled needs expressing themselves in different ways. Basic needs of humanity: a humanity deeply separated from it's true environment, that's lost it's sense of self in a sprawling urban landscape.

Well this is all well and good, and hopefully will prove to be useful to me. Today I have had some fairly strong urges but I've managed to fight them off. These things sometimes come to mind as I study morality. My beast attempts to use its knowledge of a morality as a method to delude me and achieve its aim. Well its always the same old story with the beast and that's what's kept it at bay today. Remembering that it's just another attempt to falsely lure me back. But I remember that I must remain trusting and faithful to my original judgement and in the midst of any clouding of my vision remain adamant that no matter what, my original decision was for a reason I cannot allow to be usurped.

I have held on and soon I will be at my three week milestone of true sobriety. Free of all my P trappings. The third week out of all the weeks for the rest of my life.

I hope you are all doing well.

[mrbister]

I'm not sure why, but I've been having urges on and off throughout the day again today. It's not been easy to take my mind off them. Perhaps it is because I'm tired, and also because it's been quite some time since I got a fix of any sort now. I've barely seen any images for months now, in fact I can only think of one occassion in the last 3 months or so at least. And even that occassion wasn't a full blown imagistic-binge. But since then I'd been sating my appetite largely by reading about what I couldn't see, and also by discussing it with others in online chat. Furthermore I entertained my ideas on the subject at will too. Well, since around three weeks ago I totally stopped: stopped reading, stopped discussing, and stopped the thinking too. And I think today is the hardest day since it began. It's the first day that I've really felt distanced from the motives behind that three-week old decision. The motives that until now have so strongly steered me away from straying. I'm sure I will feel them strongly once again soon, perhaps even tomorrow. The strength of feeling usually comes back at this early stage. I'm not so unrealistic that I think the potency of the motives will always remain branded on the front of my brain where I can constantly clearly see and feel it. However, I expect that it will return at least for a bit more before I really have to find that strength and courage to keep to my own convictions.

I have made it through the day successfully though which is the real matter of importance here. What really counts is what happens in the moment. And at each moment of the day I have managed to deflect the potent and recurrent urges, and allow them to dissipate again. I'm so pleased I made it through the day. These hard days actually do serve a purpose other than to help keep us guarded. They serve to make us feel proud for achieving the task the burden of which rests constantly across our backs. I may not feel over-enthusiastic right now, but during the times where the urges and cravings are trying their hardest to get to you it always seems that you can't appreciate your own resilience. Well, it does to me at least. But I know that once the urges have subsided from their elevated state and I am back to normal rest, probably tomorrow after a nights sleep where my brain can restore some sense of calm, I will feel incredibly pleased with my continued resistence to the irrational urges of my beast.

Well, I have succeeded in battling through a challenging day. Not the most challenging, but certainly much harder than usual. And I am resolved to continue to do so. I need to maintain a granite resolve. A resolve that will see me out through my days. In the meantime I should get back to the business of utilising the energy the urges bring in constructive, productive pursuits, and pay more attention to what's around me. I should also get back to the business of looking into Buddhism. There's no time like the present.

Good luck everyone. Stick firm to your will.

[mrbister]

I spent most of the day at home today, and although I started out with some of the urges I was feeling yesterday they cleared up as the day wore on. I got out for an hour before lunch and perhaps that helped a little, gave me something else to focus on.

I also tried a very brief meditation, simply taking the time to stop, let my mind calm down, breath slowly, reduce my heart rate and stop following the various directions my brain was rapidly switching between. I couldn't focus before I meditated - my brain was trying to be everywhere at once wanting one thing then another then another (nothing P-related, but it was still frustrating as I needed to work). After meditating I found my find far more focussed whilst retaining a greater feeling of peace. I'm looking forward to getting more deeply into meditation in the near future. I think it holds a lot of promise for me.

For now though I need to get some sleep. Hopefully peaceful, unbroken sleep. (I suffer from very broken troubled sleep usually, I haven't mentioned it before but I think I'd like to pay it more attention as it could have links to the addiction) I have a busy day tomorrow.

[amaninfull]

Just thought I'd drop in and give you some support. Sounds like you're serious about staying off porn. That's what it takes.

Keep it up.

AMIF