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Post by lamaboy on Nov 25, 2007 10:43:51 GMT -5
Day 13.
Feeling pretty good today. I'm working on writing a new song. It's very sweet and melancholy. A little too sweet and melancholy, but it seems that is what the song wants to be.
I'll be going to the gym later and spending time with a friend.
- Tom
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Post by lamaboy on Nov 26, 2007 20:38:34 GMT -5
Day 14. Doing pretty well. Very busy with work, which is a good thing, but I'm also able to spend time with friends.
Been working more on the song. Kept the words, but tried a new chord progression and melody which I like better.
- Tom
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Post by lamaboy on Nov 27, 2007 18:03:58 GMT -5
Day 15.
Doing well. Work keeps me busy.
Going to a fun potluck tonight.
- Tom
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Post by lamaboy on Nov 28, 2007 8:11:30 GMT -5
Day 16.
Feeling a little overwhelmed with work pressure.
Also, Mary is travelling a lot these days. I just looked at her schedule, and she will be away for 10 days - from December 9th- December 19th. For some reason, this is really depressing to me. I have a sense that that period of time will be a challenge to my sobriety.
I think I'll have to make sure I have lots of friends around at that time, and regular contact with Mary via phone and email. Also, going to the gym. Basically, doing all my regular sober activities.
- Tom
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Post by lamaboy on Dec 3, 2007 15:12:51 GMT -5
Just checking in. 21 days. No porn, no masturbation. That's a good milestone for me!
Feeling a little stressed out at the moment. I feel like things might not work out with Mary. That's triggering for me. Feelings of loneliness and desperation are coming up. Her travelling and work schedule is crazy, and she said she doesn't know me well enough to want to be exclusive. I just feel like the relationship is slipping away before it's started.
Arrghh!
I need to be patient, calm and focussed.
- Tom
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Post by lamaboy on Dec 6, 2007 16:24:18 GMT -5
24 days today. No porn, no masturbation. Doing pretty well!
Things seem to be going OK with Mary. I'm struggling to be patient, as she is away so much, and when she's here, doesn't have much time to see me. This will all end in January, but December promises to be a long month.
I've been doing well connecting with other people though. I don't feel lonely at all really. that's a good thing to notice!
Going on a business trip tomorrow. I'll be busy, but also have some down time. I'm planning on watching a movie and reading, and just taking it easy. That will be nice.
- Tom
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Post by lamaboy on Dec 9, 2007 18:50:09 GMT -5
27 days today. 4 weeks tomorrow!
I guess I'm just glad to be sober, considering all that's been going on.
Mary decided she didn't want to continue seeing me any more. She didn't feel like we had enough of a connection. Feeling sad. Disappointed. Helpless.
It took me by surprise. I didn't know what to say. I said something lame like, "you can't force it." She said some inane stuff about how I was a great guy and how much she liked spending time with me. I guess it's not inane, but it felt sort of scripted.
I wanted to give a little speech in return, but I was struck dumb, in more ways than one.
I wanted to argue with her. Give me more time, I wanted to say! You'll feel differently about me! We're different people, yes, but we have enough in common, we can find a path together!
But it all felt hollow. She knows me well enough. If she didn't have feeling for me after the time we had spent together, no amount of arguing was going to change it.
Anyway, my job right now is to stay sober. I'm feeling tempted. But I'm also feeling tired.
I'm planning on watching Ratatouie tonight at a friend's house, and then talking with another friend. Then I'm sure I'll be able to flop into bed and sleep. I've been working really hard and long hours and travelling a lot.
In my travels two days ago, I saw two adult bookstores, one video store at a gas station that had an adult section, and one exotic dance club (next to my motel!)
Luckily, I wasn't really triggered by any of this.
Well, not quite true. I was tempted to peek through the curtain of the video store to the adult section. I had to pass it to get to the restroom. But I kept my eyes forward!
- Tom
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Post by lamaboy on Dec 10, 2007 8:30:59 GMT -5
28 days. 4 weeks today! No porn and no masturbation!
Trying to make it to 30 now.
I think today will be OK. I have a lot of work to do, and some of if will be fun and with other people.
Sobriety is good!
- Tom
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Post by lamaboy on Dec 11, 2007 10:53:10 GMT -5
29 days.
Feeling a bit triggered today. The voice is starting up. "You've made it this far. That's pretty good. You deserve a break. You won't have sex any time in the foreseeable future. Why not? go ahead."
Until recently, the thought of looking at porn was repellent. I was able to remember all the gross stuff that I came across while surfing.
But now I'm starting to remember the few things that I found that I liked.
Let's review.
I don't want these images in my head! I don't want to be obsessed with sex so much that I can't see people clearly. I need my brain intact and undistracted for the work I do. I need to be sober for my future partner.
I never masturbate or use porn now.
Hey, I just realized that I am a tribal elder now. Wow! It's taken me a long time to get here.
Do I deserve that title? I'm pretty smart about this addiction. I feel pretty dumb about porn in relation to myself though. I've had a long stretch of sobriety.
I promise to stay sober - no porn and no masturbation today!
- Tom
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 11, 2007 22:42:47 GMT -5
Best wishes on your tribal elderhood, friend. You've been through some situational stressors in the past few days, or so it seems from over here (waves from over here). This seems, to me, from over here, to be a dangerous juxtaposition of thoughts: "Until recently, the thought of looking at porn was repellent. I was able to remember all the gross stuff that I came across while surfing. But now I'm starting to remember the few things that I found that I liked." I'm glad to read *past* that bit, and glad to read your thoughts on staying intact, undistracted and sober...ending with a strong affirmation. You have the wisdom and the focus you need. Stay clean, stay strong (for today, for each day) and know that someone is wishing you well (that would be me). You might find these words from the Dalai Lama inspiring...I don't know, but I offer them here for you! www.self-guided.com/products/sg5501-foreword.htmBe thou well, and more than well. J
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Post by smart1 on Dec 20, 2007 9:42:16 GMT -5
Hey lamaboy! I hope that you are doing well. I have been away from the board since the beginning of the month. I had a detached retina in my right eye and wasn't supposed to read. It sounds like you are doing well on your recovery. Keep up the good work.
smart1
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