lamaboy's adventure

[lamaboy]

Hi,

I'm starting over again. I used to be Bogey. I decided to be a new person, with renewed energy to fight this addiction. Again!

I just saw the Dalai Lama yesterday, and it really affected me. He was very inspiring. I want to use his inspiration to stay sober. I decided to take the name "lamaboy" in his honor.

Also, I like llamas. The name appeals to my sense of humor.

Today is Day 2 of no porn and no masturbation.

Just imagining the Dalai Lama helps me want to stay sober. He talked about solving problems. He said to look at things from a bigger perspective, and have confidence. Try it from different angles. Be non-violent.

Sounds simple and obvious. But maybe it's wise too.

Since I'm "new," maybe I'll introduce myself.

I'm 44 years old. Single. Really want to have a relationship, get married, have children.

I had a 2.5 year period of sobriety a couple years ago. Since then, I've had stretches that ranged from 3 months, to one month to a week.

My life has been extremely stressful for the last 3 months. I ruptured my achilles tendon July 16th. It really messed up my life. Surgery. Crutches. No driving. No carrying anything.

In other words, it forced me to re-evaluate a lot of things, and find new solutions to problems.

I've done very well, but it's been a struggle.

Things are still stressful. I'm trying to sell my house. I'm moving for the first time in 16 years, sorting through all my stuff. My career is going OK, but I've spent a lot of money getting the house ready to sell, and my debts are high, and my income is not very steady.

Anxiety is a big trigger. Frustration, hopelessness.

Hope and being with friends are two big things that keep me sober. Also playing music.

Your comments, questions and encouragement are always helpful.

- lamaboy

[lamaboy]

Day 3.

Feeling good today. I can do this!

It's easier when things are going well, as they are at the moment. I found renters for my house. Not sure how they will be in terms of keeping things neat, but they are ready to pay money and really want to be here.

I think it will be fine.

In any case, the infusion of cash will be very helpful!

I might write more later.

- Tom

[smart1]

Glad to see that you are back in recovery. I like your new avatar and nickname!

smart1

[lamaboy]

Day 4.

Feels like it's been more than 4 days.

Doing well. Went to the doctor and he looked at my leg. He said I shouldn't be using the boot anymore. I should just be walking and doing everything carefully. He said I could do some light jogging. That sounds impossible to me right now. I'm just working on trying to walk without a limp!

It feels a bit like I'm totally on my own now. Not sure I like that.

I'm still going to the physical therapist though, and I like him.

I just got tenants to rent my house. They paid me too! There's a load off my mind.

Going to see a friend tonight and watch the new George Clooney movie. Life is good.

- Tom

[lamaboy]

Day 5.

Was a little tempted to masturbate this morning, but skipped it.

Feeling pretty good. Accomplishing things and making progress in my life.

I liked the George Clooney movie - Michael Clayton. It seemed like the entire movie was a set-up for the last 10 minutes, which was very satisfying.

It wasn't fantastic, but it wasn't a waste of time either.

- Tom

[lamaboy]

Day 6.

I think today might be difficult. I'm tired from working yesterday, and don't have any plans or projects today. It's overcast. All these factors add up to make me want to act out.

I know that I'm better off sober.

I'll check in later.

- Tom

[smart1]

Hey lamaboy. How are you doing? You haven't written in your journal for a while and I am worried about you. I hope that you are okay.

cheers!

[lamaboy]

Hi smart1,

Back again. Day 6 of no porn.

I really wanted to act out today, but so far, am still sober. I think the worst of that temptation is over.

It's been a struggle lately - one that I have lost several times since I last posted.

I just moved in to my new place. I'm renting out my house, and being a landlord, and being a tentant in this place. I love my new place, but am a little stressed and overwhelmed by the process. Still a lot of boxes to unpack.

I damaged the wall of the stairway trying to get my queen sized bed down the stairs. At one point, the box spring was wedged in the stairwell, and I wondered what to do. A neighbor helped me figure it out.

I hired someone to come and fix it before my landlady comes back from her trip. I'm wondering if we can match the paint.

Besides being tired from moving yesterday, I woke up sick. I have a lot of phlegm in my throat and can barely croak out my words. I sound like Barry White.

Since I need my voice for my work, I'm a little concerned. I have two presentations to do on Wednesday. We'll see how it goes!

Basically, things are good though.

- Tom

[lamaboy]

hello again. Just for the heck of it, I'm not going to write what day I'm on. Maybe it will help me stay sober if I don't count so much.

I'm doing pretty well today. Still sober. A lot of work to do today, and a long road trip this afternoon. Also, it's suddenly gotten colder. And I'm still sick. It makes me want to go back to bed, instead of go out into the cold. They say it will snow tonight!

My house is getting more in shape. Still unpacking boxes. That may go on for a while. At least one box of things contains stuff I don't use very often. I could just leave it as it is.

My landlady comes back tonight. I'm a little nervous about seeing her, because I damaged the wall in the moving process. A guy patched it up, and is coming back today for another coat, but I think it will need painting. I don't know if she'll say "no big deal," or if she'll be upset by it. I won't be here when she gets home either.

Oh well. It's done and things will all work out one way or another.

Off to start my day!

- Tom

[lamaboy]

Just checking in. Still sober!

- Tom

[lamaboy]

Phew. Had a slip on 11/12/07. Sober since then. 1 week!

- Tom

[lamaboy]

10 days sober. No mb, no porn.

Holidays are tough for me. Alone. Isolated. Nothing I have to do.

I'm feeling pretty good at the moment though. I think I've found the strongest motivation to stay sober is the prospect of a relationship. My longest period of sobriety (2.5 years) was maintained in a relationship with someone who was dead set against porn. True, I was sober for 100 days before I met her, and for a year (maybe) after we broke up, but it was the relationship that really kept me going.

So I recently met someone. I'm attracted to her. I've known her for at least 10 years as an aquaintance, but I don't think she was ever single when I was single.

Anyway, we met again a couple weeks ago, and she looked really good to me. I think she felt the same. There was definitely "something in the air."

So we've gone out a few times, and a couple days ago progressed to kissing. It was really nice!

In the past, I've made a committment to talk about porn before I have sex with someone. I plan to honor that in this case too.

We're not there yet, but I think we might be there soon!

I'll continue the story later.

- Tom

[LookingUp]

Congratulations on your almost 2 weeks sobriety. I'm glad you plan to discuss your addiction with the prospective lady prior to bedding her - glad you have someone special in your life.

[lamaboy]

Hi Looking Up,

Thanks so much for writing in my journal!

So it's 10 PM on Thanksgiving (a holiday that is often tempting for me) and I'm still sober. I had a really nice day.

I did a little work around the house. I painted a stool that I want to put in the bathroom. I brought in some firewood.

I also downloaded Wes's book "10 Keys to breaking porn addiction." I'm about halfway through it. It's really well written. I like it a lot. It's the best thing I've read about porn addiction in a long time. I had trouble with Carnes because a lot of the stories were triggering. But Wes just says the minimum on that score.

Anyway, I plan to read more tomorrow.

I went to dinner at a friend's house. There were a number of people there I didn't know. I enjoyed meeting them. We had a great dinner, and then played a game - Taboo - that was fun. Then we put some music on and some of us danced.

It was really a very nice evening. Even though my closest friends are away, I still feel loved and appreciated. Life is good!

- Tom

[lamaboy]

Just checking in.
Day 11.

Finished Wes' book. I enjoyed it.

I got some exercise today at the gym, and did some fun stuff.

Thought some about talking to Mary (my new friend) about porn. It's kind of scary. But it needs to be done. She's out of town for another week, so I have some time to think about it some more, and consult with other people.

I never use porn or masturbate now. (Trying this statement out.)

- Tom