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Post by phoenix on Jun 12, 2007 13:40:49 GMT -5
Day 60 of recovery is now Day One in the Journal Zone. . . Another day free of P or MB. I am grateful and humbled to be in a better place than 2 months ago. All glory and honor goes to God for everything. I was powerless to beat my addictions. I have let go. I have turned everything over to Him. There is no greater Accountability Partner. Two days ago, Sunday, June the 10th, was the day of disclosure to my wife. While the actual post, in context is located here: lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?action=gotopost&board=general&thread=1177357637&post=1181572914... I'm copying it to my journal as a starting reference point. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When the, "period", became an asterisk*... « Reply #36 on Monday, June 11th at 8:41 »
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4/28/07 at 17:25, phoenix wrote:
Moved my disclosure date from the vague, "...by July 31st...", to, "May 13th, period." (...yeah, the date has significance from several different angles for me. Film @ 11...)
To Whoever is interested:
Here's my personal accountability update. . .
May 13th passed by uneventfully. Though it represented my first month of sobriety and birthday as well, it didn't dawn on me until a few days prior that is was also Mother's Day . Uh... no. Since we work different shifts, disclosure had to be a Saturday or Sunday. Other birthdays, holidays, and family gatherings kept pushing it back.
The planets finally aligned yesterday afternoon, about 3:30 PM MDT. I disclosed everything to my wife and bishop (clergyman) at his church office, via a letter I painstakingly prepared and re-edited many times.
I read it outloud to her. I wept. Huge, cathartic sobbing. It took much longer to get through 5 pages than I anticipated. I am thankful for Kleenex.
We are still together, and I am amazed at my wife's grace. As emotionally tough as disclosing was, it was the right thing to do. A mountain has been lifted from my shoulders, and my best friend is now my right-hand ally in my war against PA. I feel incredibly blessed.
Thanks, once again, to all who weighed in on this thread. And especially to you, stillnshock, for listening to your heart's inspiration to start it.
Sometime, in the next few days, I will begin a, "How I Told...", thread, and a journal, as well. Till then, God bless you all.
Success,
p
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Post by phoenix on Jun 13, 2007 14:06:27 GMT -5
Feeling a bit anxious about the coming weekend. Not nearly as apprehensive about the last, but there is still more disclosing work to do. We have three children: two married and in their mid-twenties, and one late teen still in the nest. My wife and I both agree that they need to hear, from me, what is going on.
I am so thankful that Tim M recommended a wonderful book about disclosing secrets, that is virtually a Swiss-army knife for the process. It's not a bunch of fill-in-the-blank templates, but rather a thoughtfully constructed workbook, covering many different scenarios. Tim took his time-out from the boards before I could express my gratitude personally, but I hope I get the chance in the future.
Meanwhile, I am feeling grief... but I don't know exactly what I'm grieving about. Or why. A couple of days ago, LookingUp, (the awesome Tribal Elder from Newfoundland), posted this message to me:
Re: How I found out. How I wish I had found out. « Reply #37 on 6/11/07 at 8:47 »
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Congratulations Phoenix. Glad that disclosure went well for you.
There may be some aftershocks when the reality hits her. Remember the first sign of grieving is numbness. She may need to grieve the death of her "happy ever after." Keep strong and keep sober.
LookingUp
...Glad she was inspired to tell me that. Right now, we are both numb. I am so blessed to be married to the most wonderful woman on earth. Not because she is willing to stay together and give me a chance to live clean and make amends. I would still say she was even if I had been given the boot.
As strong as we are, in different areas and places of our lives and psyches, we have a lot of work and relationship damage control to do. Part of me wishes that she would just emotionally let me have it, and hurl every expletive and epithet that she could think of. Along with whatever heavy, blunt objects she could find, as well. But that's not her. She has so much more grace and wisdom than I could have ever imagined, until now.
There is a loving tension between us at present. I think we both realize that it's a long road, and it's all quite daunting. We really have to hone our communication skills to move on and heal. I feel that we must seek professional counseling and therapy as a couple, too.
And you know, that's OK. We're going to do whatever we have to. We'll figure it out. As for the personal dose of grief... I'm just happy that I have my individual therapy appointment this Friday.
Success,
p
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Post by phoenix on Jun 15, 2007 3:59:14 GMT -5
Still trying to get a handle on the grief thing. . . Thankful that I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.
Am now working on individual letters of disclosure to read to my 3 children; two are married, one is still at home and in high school. They sense that something is up. I want them to hear it from me, in an honest and respectful manner. Since this is Father's Day weekend, I'm looking at the following Saturday or Sunday.
Work was very challenging today, but I fought off all triggers. I'm worn out. Nothing else to say right now. What I really need is a long talk-it-out session with my wife. Our opposing schedule situation is a real problem.
More tomorrow...
p
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Post by phoenix on Jun 16, 2007 14:48:23 GMT -5
Changed the thread name of this journal. "phoenix Rising", just sounded too artsy-fartsy and pretentious. I'm sure most who view this will surmise that I chose the phoenix screen name in reference to the mythical, rising-from-the-ashes bird.
"Life after...", refers to my journey after P, MB, lust and objectification of women. Also, life after disclosure as well.
Father's Day is tomorrow. Have to figure out a way to put my game face on, and hold back the floodgates of excessive guilt and remorse. Ditto the grief. I still need a contrite heart for the repentance process... just not to the extent that I am emotionally paralyzed and limited in my ability to keep recovering.
No "Big Red Easy" button. Lots of work to do.
"One Day At A Time. . ."
p
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Post by phoenix on Jun 19, 2007 10:15:03 GMT -5
Not a lot of time right now...
Probably just as well. I'm down. Hurting. Still clean, but really fighting a bunch of bizarre, low-road thoughts and urges.
I feel alone. Addiction stinks.
One day at a time. Maybe one hour at a time, today.
Keep praying.
p
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Post by phoenix on Jun 23, 2007 15:09:31 GMT -5
Happy the weekend's here. Lots of housework to catch up on, and then 12 Step meeting tonight.
Moods up. Had a nice visit with my therapist yesterday. Needed it. The environment I face everyday at work makes me feel like an alcoholic tending bar. A couple of days off will do me well. My self-talk mantras are popping into my conscious thought process pretty much automatically now: "I don't use pornography or masturbate anymore"; "I don't lust after or objectify women anymore." And with it, my eyes avert quickly. My heart feels like it's healing. Respecting all women is a mighty change of heart. A new paradigm of perspective. The challenge is to stay 100% committed to thought purity. I can do this.
Haven't worked on my disclosure letters to my children for a few days. . . have just been too emotionally wiped out. My wife and I will be talking over my first draft later this evening.
Glad to have started this journal. Maybe this next week, I can pick up the pace and write an entry every day. I'll do what I can.
One Day At A Time.
Success,
p
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Post by dazednconfused on Jun 23, 2007 20:23:21 GMT -5
pheonix- I hope it is ok I peaked and posted in your journal.. if not, my apologies. Great work so far. Something my husband and I had to do was schedule time (in the beginning) to talk- for us it was everyday. AND we had to stipulate it was a minimum of 20min about us, not about kids, to-do lists, etc.. I know it is tough, we have 5 little kids and work opposite schedules so they aren't in day care. You can find a way to have that time together. Also, if you haven;'t heard the recommendation, try reading and discussing together the seven levels of intimacy by Matthew Kelly. It helps you find ways to grow closer (every marriage can use a little of that)-- and it helps you reclaim or build skills for building your relationship with your wife and for your recovery.
Finally, if my dad were going to disclose this kind of thing to me, I would only want the skeleton of information (I am a ____ addict) and a sketch of what his next plans are (I am in counseling, seeing our bishop, etc...) in addition to knowing what you are doing for mom. And I would want my mom's input on how she is doing. That is just me... take what you want, dump the rest.
Have a good one.
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Post by phoenix on Jun 26, 2007 11:55:36 GMT -5
phoenix- I hope it is ok I peaked and posted in your journal.. if not, my apologies. . . .Thank you, for your thoughtful and caring post, dazed. Personal advice & coaching from Tribal Elders, whether SOs or recovering PAs, I welcome anywhere and anytime. I feel humbly blessed and honored for your taking the time to do so; I am grateful for your wisdom and grace.Well, so much for writing an entry a day for this week. Hectic, but fulfilling times. Looking forward to a grand 4th of July weekend, and catching-up on home and family. Recovery from PA is going well. The 12-Step workbook / manual that I am using has really kept me on point. I'm not white-knuckling anymore. At least not recently. Don't get me wrong: I am still an addict. The urge-waves still come, but now I see and recognize them coming when they are still off in the distance. They don't knock me down and drag me under now. . . they are small, insignificant, at my feet. I'm staying behind the shoreline. Recovery to date aside, I'm still vulnerable. Still learning. I am thankful and grateful for friends, family, my therapist, and 12-Step facilitators. Most of all, I am amazed at the Charity of my Savior, Jesus Christ. If not for my Elder Brother, I am not writing this. . . I would not be here. I am amazed. More later. Lots to do today. One day at a time. Success, p
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Post by phoenix on Jun 27, 2007 11:51:38 GMT -5
Once again, just a few minutes to write. . .
3/4ths of the way to 100 days sobriety. Less than 25 days to go. This trek has been quite empowering, with multiple partnerships and coaching along the way. Coming into the light of complete honesty and disclosure has strengthened my resolve to stay clean one more day, everyday. Having my wife as an ally and best-friend again has brought amazing joy and peace. I'm learning to really live again. . .
Yesterday, a friend at work opened up to me about his recent breakup with his 'soul-mate'. It's complicated, and I won't go into details, but wow. . . my problems and struggles suddenly took a back seat to his reality. It felt good to just listen, be a sounding board, be there. Small potatoes, maybe, but I believe we've been placed on the Earth to learn how to serve one another. To learn to love. Others, as well as our selves. It's about Charity, the pure love of Christ. Trying to do good for others is helping my recovery, IMHO. . .
There is an old Hindu proverb that goes something like this: "Help thy brother's boat across the river, and Lo. . . Thine own has reached the shore!"
. . .time to go sailing.
Thankfully,
p
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Post by phoenix on Jun 28, 2007 12:42:44 GMT -5
You know, sometimes I get to thinking that I should just eject from the online-journal format, and switch exclusively to the dead-tree edition. Still trying to warm-up to the whole journal-voyeurism modality. Some things are just entirely too personal for me to post here, IMO. When it gets down to brass tacks, my guiding question is this: "WWTMD?" Recovery is going well, one day at a time. Therapist appointment tomorrow. 12-Step on Saturday or Sunday night. Work and sleep-deprivation in between... (... not a big fan of swing-shift.) Pray. Study. Read good books. Post when able. eMail accountability partners. Exercise. Sleep and Eat when possible. Talk & text to wife: in-person, on the weekends. Repeat. Time to get back on the treadmill. And, you know... It's a pretty good treadmill, at that. I'm thankful. Success, p
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Post by phoenix on Jul 16, 2007 10:19:59 GMT -5
Back to the journal. . .
The first entry for July comes with the month half over. Oh, well... things have been happening at the speed of life, and it has been tough to keep up. I'm not beating myself up for being inconsistent here. I do what I can, when I can. For this portion of recovery, I get a pass.
Have been attending 12 Step every week, and my wife has started as well (for co-addict / co-dependency issues). Common ground is good.
Urge waves have lessened even more, and I recognize trigger situations for what they are. Corrective action is happening via auto-pilot nearly 100% of the time.
Less than a week to 100 days of no P or MB. I am grateful. I am humbled.
Individual therapy, counseling from my local clergyman, and taking recovery one day at a time has all helped. Accountability is a beautiful thing.
Gratefully,
p
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Post by phoenix on Aug 3, 2007 22:12:10 GMT -5
Gee. . . One entry for the entire month of July. I wonder if that's some sort of minimalist record here in Journaland? Oh, well...
Disclosed to all three of my children, (two married, in their mid-twenties; one 17 and still at home), last Sunday with my wife at my side. It went as well as could be expected, and a bit better. It's a family dialog starting-place, anyway.
Over 100 days of sobriety from p & mb. Just working on making the next good decision, one day at a time. Trying to focus on one year, now.
Things are emotionally awkward with my wife. She has wondered out-loud if we will still be married in six months. Guess I'm wondering too...
Life goes on. So does recovery.
Success,
p
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Post by phoenix on Aug 10, 2007 4:35:01 GMT -5
Just tired. Still sober. One day at a time.
Success,
p
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Post by phoenix on Jan 9, 2008 16:03:46 GMT -5
Sheesh. . .
I can't believe how much time has gone by since I've made an entry here. Before this board shuts down completely, I hope I get the chance to add just a bit more here, before starting a new journal at npsupport.net.
Success,
p
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Post by phoenix on Jan 14, 2008 5:43:13 GMT -5
Just a note before I go. . .
Saturday marked 267 consecutive days of sobriety from P & MB. A little over 24 hours ago, I slipped. Just a mini-slip, really, but a slip nonetheless. Truth is, my attitude and thoughts were fraying a bit around the edges, so this happening wasn't entirely out of the blue. . . but it is a bit disheartening. Only had 89 days left to the One Year mark. Bummer, but life and recovery goes on.
I'm a little melancholy, but not beating up on myself. I'm in a much better place than I was 9 months ago. And I'm excited to have my toes on the starting line of a new sobriety streak.
One day at a time. Life is good.
Success,
p
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