Post by selfdiscovery on Mar 13, 2006 15:51:29 GMT -5
Hi:
Well....back to Day 1. What a let-down. Time to take stock of where I am in terms of a recovery plan. Some things I need to keep in mind:
1) Know what acts as a trigger and try to avoid it if at all possible
2) Greatly decrease the amount of MB - it contributes to the chemical aspect of the SA
3) Obviously, no viewing of any internet site that may have P material - if I don't feel sure about it....best to avoid it...be safe
4) If I have nothing to do on the computer....shut down....staring at the desktop waiting for something to happen is an invitation for trouble. Go do something else....a myriad of choices
5) Prior to going on the computer....say the serenity prayer every time. In moments of temptation...say another prayer.
6) Focus on incorporating positive energy into my life by doing positive, productive things...read, exercise, play music, pursue a hobby
7) Take it one day at a time.....stay sober...."just for today!"
8) The 100 day goal...keep "doing great!" - Day 50 will be May 1 and Day 100 will be June 20...I CAN DO IT!!!!!!
9) Never give up. When we fall, we get back up again.
10) Think about where I've come from, where I've been and where I want to go.
Some excellent points from a recent post:
I want to quit for these reasons:
1. So that I can love myself again.
2. So that I can love my wife more fully.
3. So that I can regain the creative spirit that's been suffocated inside of me.
4. So that I can feel in control of my life again.
5. So that I can walk through life without the burden of guilt riding on my shoulders.
6. So that I can fully enjoy the real pleasures of life once again.
Other parts of the plan:
1) Look up, not down
2) Look at the person, not the body
3) Admire beauty but don't lust after it
4) Look outward, not inward
5) Think before you act - anticipate the consequences
6) From 10 years ago:
A-anticipatory event
B- irrational belief
C-consequential feelings and behavior
D-the rational dispute
E-effective, new behavior pattern
Remember this bigtime fallacy:
"The best porn is the porn that you haven't seen yet..."
Other thoughts:
Keep your eyes in your sockets...don't 'scope and gawk'
Some research into MB:
In the center of the brain is the medial preoptic nucleus (MPN). In your brain, when you have a sexual release, your brain experiences a release of chemicals called endorphins and encephalins. This is the highest rush in the human body. It is the same area cocaine affects; this is why cocaine is so addicting.
Because you get the highest reward for this behavior, you want to do it again. Now, here's where it's unique. When you get the reward, whatever you're looking at—it doesn't have to be real—whatever you're looking at [at sexual release] you are bonding to whatever that [object] is. So, if you have a sexual fantasy, you'll start bonding to a fantasy world. I know guys like this in their 30's or 40's because of what they did to their MPN when they were 12 or 13 years old.
God designed it so that you would bond with one person. [To men:] In a very short period of time, no matter what your wife looks like, you bond to her. She becomes your desire. And when you think about intimacy and sexuality, you think about her. If you [masturbate] and you reward yourself for going to fantasy world, then the fantasy is going to be what you desire. You're going to see women as objects, not people. That's not God's design. God wants you to see someone as His child. As a person.ii
"Your brain doesn't know the difference," Dr. Weiss continues, "between this [object] being appropriate or inappropriate. It just knows it got the rewards. Now, if it gets good stuff [chemical rewards] attached to bad things, what will it want to do? Bad things. [Protect] your brain. This is a holy place. If you start [masturbating] and you go over into fantasy or pornography, you are going to damage your life. It affects your own sexuality."
Another view...came to me this morning 3/20/06:
The world of P is like a labyrinth with an infinite number of ways to get in but no exits once trapped inside. The only way to get out is, simply, by not going in....or by very carefully backing out quickly the same way you went in (before making any turns and getting lost in the labyrinth). This labyrinth also has walls that, as you progress deeper and deeper inside, grow taller- thereby preventing one, in an ever-increasing degree, from seeing the world outside. So, as one progresses into the labryrinth, the light of the outside world becomes dimmer until the dark confines of the labyrinth begin to dominate completely.
4/4/06 Wow...what a confession last night. Incredible. I admitted my sexual addiction. I was told some great things. I'm convinced that it was truly God speaking to me. I was told, basically: Don't think in terms of trying to 'control' the addiction. It is better to admit that I am powerless over it and then surrender it to God. The powerlessness does not imply that I am weak or no longer have any free will as to my actions.....on the contrary....it simply means that I have no power to eradicate the addiction. Now, it leaves me with a choice. I can either give in to it and act out, or, I can choose to NOT act out....one day at a time. I feel so free after last night....free to go on and feel that God has been helping me and keeping me strong. Indeed...feeling free of being controlled by the addiction.
By surrendering my addiction to God, I can begin to become free of the need and desire to act out. I was told to look at Jesus on the cross...was this an act of exerting control over his destiny on Jesus' part? Or did he surrender himself to the Father? The priest referred to the serenity prayer...as well as acting out as a way of perpetuating the addictive way of thinking. It was a humbling, yet enlightening experience.
5/29/06
Hi:
Day 79- big deal. So let's see....over the past week I MBed 3 times - not related to P imagery (I know this is an issue for contention). I ogled a good number of women- watched them walk towards me and also from the back as they were leaving. When I see a picture of a woman I find attractive in the newspapers - first thing I do is scan through the article to see how old she is. Because, you see, the older I get - the more "younger" women there are. When I was 20, I would have never looked at and been attracted to 35 year old women. But, now that I'm 50- there is quite a wide range that I am attracted to. I disgust myself. And yet, I am 79 days free of internet P. Big deal. Am I in recovery? I'd like to think I am....avoiding internet P is easy for me. I'm really not tempted at all. But, what about all this other (expletive)? Seems like there is still alot floating around in my mind that fills the gaps left by avoiding internet P. Am I in recovery? I'll look through the newspaper and just pass right by pictures of women with not the slightest interest in their age....or I'll read about their accomplishments and this is MORE than enough to cool any inappropriate objectifying thoughts. These are people who have their own lives..some of whom have accomplished great and worthy things. What right would I ever have to think about them as sexual objects??
Am I in recovery? Some days I feel so strong and like I'm on the right course. Other times I feel like I'm on the slope hanging on by my fingertips. The ogling is NOT followed by any acting out or MB. I look, am briefly attracted, then move on. We see what we want to see. I'll look at someone, find her attractive, and then look again a few moments later and think....what did I see that got my attention? We see what we want to see. The mind ultimately creates the pictures and images, not the images themselves.
Am I in recovery? I have so many other interests that can more than occupy my time and have been devoting much more time to family. Every day I avoid P and just read a book or even watch something on TV (no bad stuff) feels like another small victory. We have to be so careful about substituting one thing for another...we can so easily become addicted to things other than drugs or sex.
Am I in recovery? Sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of someone on the street or in a public place and just feel rooted to the earth, as if I simply will not ever get enough of what I am seeing and could stand there looking forever. Is this followed by sexual arousal? Not really. It's like I want to be aroused, but I am conditioning myself to be numb to it. Like a book with no words behind the cover, food with no taste, etc. Am I in recovery? I can walk through the airport terminal with my head held up and just keep looking straight ahead. No problem. Feels good....feels right.
Am I in recovery? I can MB, and then think immediately afterwards - so what? Why did I bother doing that? And yet, the chemical addiction obviously continues, and continues....Flip the coin....I have moments where I SO look forward to the next MB..even plan for it...doesn't need any P/fantasy/imagery to fuel it....don't need any of that. Just the expression of and the connection to my own sexuality is enough. And yet, it's unfulfilling, empty. Am I in recovery?
Sometimes I feel lost and alone in this addiction...other times I feel strong, have many supporters here, and like I've accomplished so much over the last 176 days...In this time I have looked at internet (or any other) P only about 1 hour. Am I in recovery? Sure hope so. I have alot of doubts, alot of weakness, but alot of strength. I get weary of ogling..starts to give me a headache...why bother to keep looking? There is always going to be someone out there who is attractive. And yet....flip the coin...I often feel like I live to ogle....can't get enough. From age groups including teen all the way up to 50's....so much out there to look at. How objectifyingly horrible. I know. I understand that it's bad. I understand that it feeds the addiction. I do it all the time.... but sometimes I don't do it at all and have no wish to.
My life is a contradiction. Perhaps my whole recovery plan is a contradiction. Perhaps the number count is a delusion. Sorry for rambling, but I'm just feeling really confused right now. Am I in recovery? I pray to God for help and have gotten it...I surrender my addiction to God and have been freed to make better choices not to act out. But I need to do more work. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Am I in recovery? My faith is stronger now than at any other time in my life. I sometimes think God alone knows how I am really doing in recovery...I'm just along for the ride and making the best of it. I keep on (as Ian says) showing up...every day..hoping it'll be a good one..hoping to keep things in perspective.
Stay strong....stay sober.....
SD
8/3/06 Just wanted to copy this in from a reply I added to the forum this morning in reference to someone struggling with MB:
agree with Geoff that, for me. MB was (is) the addiction and that P fuels it - not with a match but with an acetylene torch. I simply cannot allow myself to continue to use P (and haven't) since I then am completely out of control and spiral downward very quickly. The link between P and MB can be an absolutely incredible and dominating force. As much as I might want to believe that MB can be done as an isolated act for purely physical release from stress, etc.. devoid of fantasy and recollections of erotic imagery and the like, I know deep down that it is so linked to the SA mindset and, ultimately, the use of P. I have been able to avoid internet P relatively easily.....this does NOT mean, obviously that I am still not aroused when I see pictures of attractive women. I also agree with the statement in one of your replies that for people with a SA, MB is indeed very dangerous compared to MB for the person who does not have an obvious compulsion or addiction.
Men are inherently visually stimulated. This, I think, is a curse that is not going to be eradicated anytime soon, if ever. That being said, please know that it is not an excuse for acting out. How we deal with our thoughts, however, is something that we can control. Thought precedes action. If I think about MB, I'll probably given in to it sooner or later, and probably sooner. AND, I have found that the more I MB, the more I want to MB, and then am more prone to start objectifying again and, if I continue on that road, much more likely to have a slip with P. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy! The brain chemistry is undoubtedly a big factor. What I've found that sometimes helps is to think about (in those moments of arousal and/or MB), the feelings generated as a drug rush into the body. A release? Sure.....but how about also a 'fix' ? This often 'sobers' me up a bit and I can go about my life again with, as you say, at least a tad more "purity of thought". Watch out for your thoughts and be on guard! The brain is ultimately the single most powerful sex organ in the body.
I know what you are going through. I'm there too in trying to deal with MB. It's a day-by-day thing. Some days are tough, some are so easy and the thought of MB never occurs to me. Thing is.....there always HAS to be something more productive to do than MB. Hang in there and keep doing the work. Every time I don't give in to the urge to MB, I sure feel alot better about myself than those times when I did give in. As someone else replied to you.....let your conscience be your guide. If it feels wrong in some way, it probably is. And, unfortunately, all this is alot easier to say than actually live. Otherwise, we would all be able to rid ourselves of MB. Hope some of this helps.
11/21/06
Day 255 - some thoughts
Hi all:
I've been away from the board for several months and felt the need to check in. First of all, Ian - I was so sorry to hear of your slip. You've done amazing work over the months and I know you'll gain strength from your recent experience. You've always supported me and I can't tell you how much that's meant. Hope to hear from you some more.
I considered dropping the day count some time ago, since I know that it's not the most important part of recovery efforts. All that ultimately matters most is how we deal with each day. And, my number may well be misleading, since it reflects days away from P, not MB - sorry to say. I've improved in the MB area but still really struggle with it. I have had some near slips on the computer, but always managed to back away and get out before it's too late. As I once posted, P is like a labyrinth...the only sure way out is simply not to go in. This part has been relatively easy, although I know my inner addict is alive and well. I've done my best to starve it to death, but the deleterious effects of close to 37 years worth of MB and using P imagery (I say it this way since, for me, P has largely NOT been about nudity and explicit imagery - although this came along in a big way 10 years ago with the internet) are not easily eradicated. I still ogle way too much and am very easily visually aroused. I deal with these issues as they arise, and then move on.
But, I've come a long way since joining this board last December, and have learned much about myself in the process. I feel I understand myself better now, from a SA standpoint, more than at any other time in my life, including when I had some SA therapy 10 years ago. Much of this is from the steps I took when I found this site. So many good people here, so many honest stories and experiences. I felt the need, however, to get away over the past few months and see how I manage. I've been feeling lately that I'm getting closer to the slope than I like. Certain thoughts enter my head that frankly scare me to death, so I thought I better review my journal and post. I need the help to be found here, but I also need to find help from within and discover what I need to do to sustain my recovery efforts (which I know some here would greatly question as even being bonafide since MB is still a part of my life).
Am I still tempted? Absolutely. But I know my triggers well - the strongest of these can be almost overwhelming at times - and I have to keep vigilant and constantly on my guard. My mind, indeed the strongest sex organ in the body, can be my own worst enemy in trying to change my life for the better. This may sound completely out-of-the-box, but I've come to realize that I, more than any picture or person I encounter, am my own worst and most powerful trigger. The insidious, enticing, and very wrong act of sexual objectification does not, for me, have to be solely directed at others in order for it to exist. Loathingly, my inner addict, over the many years it's tortured me going way back into my teens, has also taught me to objectify myself in order to perpetuate and feed the addiction. I could almost cry as I look back and reread the statement I just wrote, because it's true. As I've said in previous posts, I've had to look at myself long and hard in the mirror, so to speak, to learn some of these things.
To those who are new here....find inner strength and resolve to fight this addiction. Get to really know yourself and what motivates you to act out. Seek out other activities and interests, especially in those moments of weakness and temptation. For those inclined, find strength in God. I would not be where I am now (and I know I have a long way to go yet) without having admitted my powerlessness over my addiction and having surrendered my addiction to God. Only in this way, for me, have I found a new sense of freedom to choose not to act out, to give myself some peace.
To those who have been here for awhile, probably none of what I am saying is new. Each of us must struggle and do the work in our own way. And it IS most definitely work. It's a day to day thing. My 255 days could be erased in literally minutes or even seconds if I'm not very careful. The more days I count, the more this becomes so apparent. The number is less important than where we are mentally, physically, and spiritually. I don't anticipate keeping close tabs here like I used to, but I'll check in from time to time. I'll probably enter this post in my journal since it pretty well reflects where I am at this point in time.
My best to all....stay strong, stay sober....and...Happy Holidays!
Regards,
SD
11/29/06
Wow....saying that the number is not as important as where I am mentally, etc. proved to be true I guess. Quite a slip yesterday...I led myself to it, thought about it, and simply allowed it to happen...but I'm not going to let go of my number since somehow the whole experience was different. I was not really aroused, frequently a bit bored (so why not quit??), and often offended by some of the things I saw..and even disgusted.. more than ever before I was aware of how trashy it all is...and to think it somewhat started with my looking for discussion forums for those having trouble with MB. It did lead me to the new site I found...blazinggrace.org....so I guess some good can always come from the bad. I'm going to still count it as a partial slip even though I came close to really going over the edge and could have binged out. In the end, I just turned off the computer and that was that. The feeling of heart pounding anticipation and excitement, chemical rush, etc. just wasn't quite there.....this is a good thing I suppose...am I becoming, little by little, less sensitized to P?....and thus, conversely, MORE sensitized to the negative and disgusting aspects of it all, and... I will not send my email address to any P site...not a chance. So I didn't sign up to join anything. Why was I so stupid?? Why not have the foresight? As I said, I think I sort of led myself into the trap....perhaps it was meant to be to kind of test my reaction. If so, I have to be somewhat pleased with what I felt. Not fully, but an improvement. I now know, however, how close the addiction is to the surface, and how much it wants to stay alive.
I know the main trigger is MB...that was obvious in what I was doing. The search for things relative to MB, etc. is the key. Next time.....back off....google the Gospels or something......say a prayer...read a book.....anything but the labyrinth. Stay strong my man......
4/24/07 Well...here goes....this is a tough one to write on Day 409... I blew it. I should have heeded what I wrote back in November about feeling like I was getting close to the slope. First it started with some nice music videos...ok...seemed harmless enough...but in the back of my mind I knew I was standing next to a huge pile of kindling wood that only needed a second with a match. From there it was myspace to find more info out about the guitarist I came across on youtube. Then back to youtube and I found myself drifting towards the one area that is my weakness. More videos..just people talking and dancing around...but it was a new thing for me and fired up the wrong engines at full throttle... and then later in the evening a link to another site and from there I was a gone goose. 3 times MB...talk about falling off the wagon..
Will I ever be free of this lure? This is definitely my weak spot...all that hard core crap...forget it. Doesn't do it for me. But my one area of weakness that I shall not name is where I really have to be vigilant. The women are not the evil, but the way I use it and relate to it is. It's basically all the same stuff, even if I try to tell myself it isn't. Keep in mind the objectification involved....Keep in mind that these women may come, as I've written before, to deeply regret what they are doing or have done...This morning I feel lost and a bit hopeless...angry at myself...disappointed....weak...lacking confidence...feeling like I have to avoid people....feeling like everyone knows what I did...what my problem is...that I have a problem. Feeling like it must feel for some people after they've gone out and had an affair...or spent the night at the bar getting wasted...like a drug rush...ALL this from ONE day's worth of slippage....is it worth it??? That feeling of arousal is sooo powerful while viewing...always looking for the next one...there must be a better and better one out there. That old adage about the best porn. I feel like such a hopeless addict. It's going to take alot of work to get back on my feet. Alot of work. Will I ever be free of the arousal associated with this aspect of the addiction...I think this is the key...HOW do I cope with the arousal...with the thoughts in the back of my mind of exactly WHAT arouses me...of knowing where I could go that would inevitably lead to a slip every time...this is a tough one. I know where it is and what it is. I have to be stronger. Some sort of paradigm shift is in order..but what?? A real gut check is in order...but right now I just don't know if I can do it on my own anymore. I've always thought of myself as a disciplined person but this thing may be more than I can handle. I've had such moments of success over the past year and a half since coming here, but in reading back over my entries, there is always that doubt...that creeping, nagging feeling that won't go away. I suppose it truly is a battle that never ends. It is just so convenient and available on the net. Curse it all. I wish it would not be there...I wish it would all be banned and removed. I'm going to try and get back up. Need to go on the board more..read more...post more...pray more....I know I am weak, especially right now. I'll post on the board and see what sort of responses I get. I need a few more answers from those who have been in recovery from some time to see how they manage...is it always a continual struggle, even after a length of time??? Maybe it's time to dispense with the day count...since it did include a few partial slips...I think I need to focus on me and how I cope and deal...not looking at the number. The day count can work the wrong way...what happens the next time I get to day 100, or 200, or 300? I'll just have to see how it goes. I am soooo bummed right now...just can't believe it. I feel numb and burned out and used. I let myself be used and abused. In abusing and objectifying the women on the screen, I know I'm also abusing myself. How cruel and horrible. I have some serious thinking to do. Peace...
SD
Well....back to Day 1. What a let-down. Time to take stock of where I am in terms of a recovery plan. Some things I need to keep in mind:
1) Know what acts as a trigger and try to avoid it if at all possible
2) Greatly decrease the amount of MB - it contributes to the chemical aspect of the SA
3) Obviously, no viewing of any internet site that may have P material - if I don't feel sure about it....best to avoid it...be safe
4) If I have nothing to do on the computer....shut down....staring at the desktop waiting for something to happen is an invitation for trouble. Go do something else....a myriad of choices
5) Prior to going on the computer....say the serenity prayer every time. In moments of temptation...say another prayer.
6) Focus on incorporating positive energy into my life by doing positive, productive things...read, exercise, play music, pursue a hobby
7) Take it one day at a time.....stay sober...."just for today!"
8) The 100 day goal...keep "doing great!" - Day 50 will be May 1 and Day 100 will be June 20...I CAN DO IT!!!!!!
9) Never give up. When we fall, we get back up again.
10) Think about where I've come from, where I've been and where I want to go.
Some excellent points from a recent post:
I want to quit for these reasons:
1. So that I can love myself again.
2. So that I can love my wife more fully.
3. So that I can regain the creative spirit that's been suffocated inside of me.
4. So that I can feel in control of my life again.
5. So that I can walk through life without the burden of guilt riding on my shoulders.
6. So that I can fully enjoy the real pleasures of life once again.
Other parts of the plan:
1) Look up, not down
2) Look at the person, not the body
3) Admire beauty but don't lust after it
4) Look outward, not inward
5) Think before you act - anticipate the consequences
6) From 10 years ago:
A-anticipatory event
B- irrational belief
C-consequential feelings and behavior
D-the rational dispute
E-effective, new behavior pattern
Remember this bigtime fallacy:
"The best porn is the porn that you haven't seen yet..."
Other thoughts:
Keep your eyes in your sockets...don't 'scope and gawk'
Some research into MB:
In the center of the brain is the medial preoptic nucleus (MPN). In your brain, when you have a sexual release, your brain experiences a release of chemicals called endorphins and encephalins. This is the highest rush in the human body. It is the same area cocaine affects; this is why cocaine is so addicting.
Because you get the highest reward for this behavior, you want to do it again. Now, here's where it's unique. When you get the reward, whatever you're looking at—it doesn't have to be real—whatever you're looking at [at sexual release] you are bonding to whatever that [object] is. So, if you have a sexual fantasy, you'll start bonding to a fantasy world. I know guys like this in their 30's or 40's because of what they did to their MPN when they were 12 or 13 years old.
God designed it so that you would bond with one person. [To men:] In a very short period of time, no matter what your wife looks like, you bond to her. She becomes your desire. And when you think about intimacy and sexuality, you think about her. If you [masturbate] and you reward yourself for going to fantasy world, then the fantasy is going to be what you desire. You're going to see women as objects, not people. That's not God's design. God wants you to see someone as His child. As a person.ii
"Your brain doesn't know the difference," Dr. Weiss continues, "between this [object] being appropriate or inappropriate. It just knows it got the rewards. Now, if it gets good stuff [chemical rewards] attached to bad things, what will it want to do? Bad things. [Protect] your brain. This is a holy place. If you start [masturbating] and you go over into fantasy or pornography, you are going to damage your life. It affects your own sexuality."
Another view...came to me this morning 3/20/06:
The world of P is like a labyrinth with an infinite number of ways to get in but no exits once trapped inside. The only way to get out is, simply, by not going in....or by very carefully backing out quickly the same way you went in (before making any turns and getting lost in the labyrinth). This labyrinth also has walls that, as you progress deeper and deeper inside, grow taller- thereby preventing one, in an ever-increasing degree, from seeing the world outside. So, as one progresses into the labryrinth, the light of the outside world becomes dimmer until the dark confines of the labyrinth begin to dominate completely.
4/4/06 Wow...what a confession last night. Incredible. I admitted my sexual addiction. I was told some great things. I'm convinced that it was truly God speaking to me. I was told, basically: Don't think in terms of trying to 'control' the addiction. It is better to admit that I am powerless over it and then surrender it to God. The powerlessness does not imply that I am weak or no longer have any free will as to my actions.....on the contrary....it simply means that I have no power to eradicate the addiction. Now, it leaves me with a choice. I can either give in to it and act out, or, I can choose to NOT act out....one day at a time. I feel so free after last night....free to go on and feel that God has been helping me and keeping me strong. Indeed...feeling free of being controlled by the addiction.
By surrendering my addiction to God, I can begin to become free of the need and desire to act out. I was told to look at Jesus on the cross...was this an act of exerting control over his destiny on Jesus' part? Or did he surrender himself to the Father? The priest referred to the serenity prayer...as well as acting out as a way of perpetuating the addictive way of thinking. It was a humbling, yet enlightening experience.
5/29/06
Hi:
Day 79- big deal. So let's see....over the past week I MBed 3 times - not related to P imagery (I know this is an issue for contention). I ogled a good number of women- watched them walk towards me and also from the back as they were leaving. When I see a picture of a woman I find attractive in the newspapers - first thing I do is scan through the article to see how old she is. Because, you see, the older I get - the more "younger" women there are. When I was 20, I would have never looked at and been attracted to 35 year old women. But, now that I'm 50- there is quite a wide range that I am attracted to. I disgust myself. And yet, I am 79 days free of internet P. Big deal. Am I in recovery? I'd like to think I am....avoiding internet P is easy for me. I'm really not tempted at all. But, what about all this other (expletive)? Seems like there is still alot floating around in my mind that fills the gaps left by avoiding internet P. Am I in recovery? I'll look through the newspaper and just pass right by pictures of women with not the slightest interest in their age....or I'll read about their accomplishments and this is MORE than enough to cool any inappropriate objectifying thoughts. These are people who have their own lives..some of whom have accomplished great and worthy things. What right would I ever have to think about them as sexual objects??
Am I in recovery? Some days I feel so strong and like I'm on the right course. Other times I feel like I'm on the slope hanging on by my fingertips. The ogling is NOT followed by any acting out or MB. I look, am briefly attracted, then move on. We see what we want to see. I'll look at someone, find her attractive, and then look again a few moments later and think....what did I see that got my attention? We see what we want to see. The mind ultimately creates the pictures and images, not the images themselves.
Am I in recovery? I have so many other interests that can more than occupy my time and have been devoting much more time to family. Every day I avoid P and just read a book or even watch something on TV (no bad stuff) feels like another small victory. We have to be so careful about substituting one thing for another...we can so easily become addicted to things other than drugs or sex.
Am I in recovery? Sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of someone on the street or in a public place and just feel rooted to the earth, as if I simply will not ever get enough of what I am seeing and could stand there looking forever. Is this followed by sexual arousal? Not really. It's like I want to be aroused, but I am conditioning myself to be numb to it. Like a book with no words behind the cover, food with no taste, etc. Am I in recovery? I can walk through the airport terminal with my head held up and just keep looking straight ahead. No problem. Feels good....feels right.
Am I in recovery? I can MB, and then think immediately afterwards - so what? Why did I bother doing that? And yet, the chemical addiction obviously continues, and continues....Flip the coin....I have moments where I SO look forward to the next MB..even plan for it...doesn't need any P/fantasy/imagery to fuel it....don't need any of that. Just the expression of and the connection to my own sexuality is enough. And yet, it's unfulfilling, empty. Am I in recovery?
Sometimes I feel lost and alone in this addiction...other times I feel strong, have many supporters here, and like I've accomplished so much over the last 176 days...In this time I have looked at internet (or any other) P only about 1 hour. Am I in recovery? Sure hope so. I have alot of doubts, alot of weakness, but alot of strength. I get weary of ogling..starts to give me a headache...why bother to keep looking? There is always going to be someone out there who is attractive. And yet....flip the coin...I often feel like I live to ogle....can't get enough. From age groups including teen all the way up to 50's....so much out there to look at. How objectifyingly horrible. I know. I understand that it's bad. I understand that it feeds the addiction. I do it all the time.... but sometimes I don't do it at all and have no wish to.
My life is a contradiction. Perhaps my whole recovery plan is a contradiction. Perhaps the number count is a delusion. Sorry for rambling, but I'm just feeling really confused right now. Am I in recovery? I pray to God for help and have gotten it...I surrender my addiction to God and have been freed to make better choices not to act out. But I need to do more work. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Am I in recovery? My faith is stronger now than at any other time in my life. I sometimes think God alone knows how I am really doing in recovery...I'm just along for the ride and making the best of it. I keep on (as Ian says) showing up...every day..hoping it'll be a good one..hoping to keep things in perspective.
Stay strong....stay sober.....
SD
8/3/06 Just wanted to copy this in from a reply I added to the forum this morning in reference to someone struggling with MB:
agree with Geoff that, for me. MB was (is) the addiction and that P fuels it - not with a match but with an acetylene torch. I simply cannot allow myself to continue to use P (and haven't) since I then am completely out of control and spiral downward very quickly. The link between P and MB can be an absolutely incredible and dominating force. As much as I might want to believe that MB can be done as an isolated act for purely physical release from stress, etc.. devoid of fantasy and recollections of erotic imagery and the like, I know deep down that it is so linked to the SA mindset and, ultimately, the use of P. I have been able to avoid internet P relatively easily.....this does NOT mean, obviously that I am still not aroused when I see pictures of attractive women. I also agree with the statement in one of your replies that for people with a SA, MB is indeed very dangerous compared to MB for the person who does not have an obvious compulsion or addiction.
Men are inherently visually stimulated. This, I think, is a curse that is not going to be eradicated anytime soon, if ever. That being said, please know that it is not an excuse for acting out. How we deal with our thoughts, however, is something that we can control. Thought precedes action. If I think about MB, I'll probably given in to it sooner or later, and probably sooner. AND, I have found that the more I MB, the more I want to MB, and then am more prone to start objectifying again and, if I continue on that road, much more likely to have a slip with P. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy! The brain chemistry is undoubtedly a big factor. What I've found that sometimes helps is to think about (in those moments of arousal and/or MB), the feelings generated as a drug rush into the body. A release? Sure.....but how about also a 'fix' ? This often 'sobers' me up a bit and I can go about my life again with, as you say, at least a tad more "purity of thought". Watch out for your thoughts and be on guard! The brain is ultimately the single most powerful sex organ in the body.
I know what you are going through. I'm there too in trying to deal with MB. It's a day-by-day thing. Some days are tough, some are so easy and the thought of MB never occurs to me. Thing is.....there always HAS to be something more productive to do than MB. Hang in there and keep doing the work. Every time I don't give in to the urge to MB, I sure feel alot better about myself than those times when I did give in. As someone else replied to you.....let your conscience be your guide. If it feels wrong in some way, it probably is. And, unfortunately, all this is alot easier to say than actually live. Otherwise, we would all be able to rid ourselves of MB. Hope some of this helps.
11/21/06
Day 255 - some thoughts
Hi all:
I've been away from the board for several months and felt the need to check in. First of all, Ian - I was so sorry to hear of your slip. You've done amazing work over the months and I know you'll gain strength from your recent experience. You've always supported me and I can't tell you how much that's meant. Hope to hear from you some more.
I considered dropping the day count some time ago, since I know that it's not the most important part of recovery efforts. All that ultimately matters most is how we deal with each day. And, my number may well be misleading, since it reflects days away from P, not MB - sorry to say. I've improved in the MB area but still really struggle with it. I have had some near slips on the computer, but always managed to back away and get out before it's too late. As I once posted, P is like a labyrinth...the only sure way out is simply not to go in. This part has been relatively easy, although I know my inner addict is alive and well. I've done my best to starve it to death, but the deleterious effects of close to 37 years worth of MB and using P imagery (I say it this way since, for me, P has largely NOT been about nudity and explicit imagery - although this came along in a big way 10 years ago with the internet) are not easily eradicated. I still ogle way too much and am very easily visually aroused. I deal with these issues as they arise, and then move on.
But, I've come a long way since joining this board last December, and have learned much about myself in the process. I feel I understand myself better now, from a SA standpoint, more than at any other time in my life, including when I had some SA therapy 10 years ago. Much of this is from the steps I took when I found this site. So many good people here, so many honest stories and experiences. I felt the need, however, to get away over the past few months and see how I manage. I've been feeling lately that I'm getting closer to the slope than I like. Certain thoughts enter my head that frankly scare me to death, so I thought I better review my journal and post. I need the help to be found here, but I also need to find help from within and discover what I need to do to sustain my recovery efforts (which I know some here would greatly question as even being bonafide since MB is still a part of my life).
Am I still tempted? Absolutely. But I know my triggers well - the strongest of these can be almost overwhelming at times - and I have to keep vigilant and constantly on my guard. My mind, indeed the strongest sex organ in the body, can be my own worst enemy in trying to change my life for the better. This may sound completely out-of-the-box, but I've come to realize that I, more than any picture or person I encounter, am my own worst and most powerful trigger. The insidious, enticing, and very wrong act of sexual objectification does not, for me, have to be solely directed at others in order for it to exist. Loathingly, my inner addict, over the many years it's tortured me going way back into my teens, has also taught me to objectify myself in order to perpetuate and feed the addiction. I could almost cry as I look back and reread the statement I just wrote, because it's true. As I've said in previous posts, I've had to look at myself long and hard in the mirror, so to speak, to learn some of these things.
To those who are new here....find inner strength and resolve to fight this addiction. Get to really know yourself and what motivates you to act out. Seek out other activities and interests, especially in those moments of weakness and temptation. For those inclined, find strength in God. I would not be where I am now (and I know I have a long way to go yet) without having admitted my powerlessness over my addiction and having surrendered my addiction to God. Only in this way, for me, have I found a new sense of freedom to choose not to act out, to give myself some peace.
To those who have been here for awhile, probably none of what I am saying is new. Each of us must struggle and do the work in our own way. And it IS most definitely work. It's a day to day thing. My 255 days could be erased in literally minutes or even seconds if I'm not very careful. The more days I count, the more this becomes so apparent. The number is less important than where we are mentally, physically, and spiritually. I don't anticipate keeping close tabs here like I used to, but I'll check in from time to time. I'll probably enter this post in my journal since it pretty well reflects where I am at this point in time.
My best to all....stay strong, stay sober....and...Happy Holidays!
Regards,
SD
11/29/06
Wow....saying that the number is not as important as where I am mentally, etc. proved to be true I guess. Quite a slip yesterday...I led myself to it, thought about it, and simply allowed it to happen...but I'm not going to let go of my number since somehow the whole experience was different. I was not really aroused, frequently a bit bored (so why not quit??), and often offended by some of the things I saw..and even disgusted.. more than ever before I was aware of how trashy it all is...and to think it somewhat started with my looking for discussion forums for those having trouble with MB. It did lead me to the new site I found...blazinggrace.org....so I guess some good can always come from the bad. I'm going to still count it as a partial slip even though I came close to really going over the edge and could have binged out. In the end, I just turned off the computer and that was that. The feeling of heart pounding anticipation and excitement, chemical rush, etc. just wasn't quite there.....this is a good thing I suppose...am I becoming, little by little, less sensitized to P?....and thus, conversely, MORE sensitized to the negative and disgusting aspects of it all, and... I will not send my email address to any P site...not a chance. So I didn't sign up to join anything. Why was I so stupid?? Why not have the foresight? As I said, I think I sort of led myself into the trap....perhaps it was meant to be to kind of test my reaction. If so, I have to be somewhat pleased with what I felt. Not fully, but an improvement. I now know, however, how close the addiction is to the surface, and how much it wants to stay alive.
I know the main trigger is MB...that was obvious in what I was doing. The search for things relative to MB, etc. is the key. Next time.....back off....google the Gospels or something......say a prayer...read a book.....anything but the labyrinth. Stay strong my man......
4/24/07 Well...here goes....this is a tough one to write on Day 409... I blew it. I should have heeded what I wrote back in November about feeling like I was getting close to the slope. First it started with some nice music videos...ok...seemed harmless enough...but in the back of my mind I knew I was standing next to a huge pile of kindling wood that only needed a second with a match. From there it was myspace to find more info out about the guitarist I came across on youtube. Then back to youtube and I found myself drifting towards the one area that is my weakness. More videos..just people talking and dancing around...but it was a new thing for me and fired up the wrong engines at full throttle... and then later in the evening a link to another site and from there I was a gone goose. 3 times MB...talk about falling off the wagon..
Will I ever be free of this lure? This is definitely my weak spot...all that hard core crap...forget it. Doesn't do it for me. But my one area of weakness that I shall not name is where I really have to be vigilant. The women are not the evil, but the way I use it and relate to it is. It's basically all the same stuff, even if I try to tell myself it isn't. Keep in mind the objectification involved....Keep in mind that these women may come, as I've written before, to deeply regret what they are doing or have done...This morning I feel lost and a bit hopeless...angry at myself...disappointed....weak...lacking confidence...feeling like I have to avoid people....feeling like everyone knows what I did...what my problem is...that I have a problem. Feeling like it must feel for some people after they've gone out and had an affair...or spent the night at the bar getting wasted...like a drug rush...ALL this from ONE day's worth of slippage....is it worth it??? That feeling of arousal is sooo powerful while viewing...always looking for the next one...there must be a better and better one out there. That old adage about the best porn. I feel like such a hopeless addict. It's going to take alot of work to get back on my feet. Alot of work. Will I ever be free of the arousal associated with this aspect of the addiction...I think this is the key...HOW do I cope with the arousal...with the thoughts in the back of my mind of exactly WHAT arouses me...of knowing where I could go that would inevitably lead to a slip every time...this is a tough one. I know where it is and what it is. I have to be stronger. Some sort of paradigm shift is in order..but what?? A real gut check is in order...but right now I just don't know if I can do it on my own anymore. I've always thought of myself as a disciplined person but this thing may be more than I can handle. I've had such moments of success over the past year and a half since coming here, but in reading back over my entries, there is always that doubt...that creeping, nagging feeling that won't go away. I suppose it truly is a battle that never ends. It is just so convenient and available on the net. Curse it all. I wish it would not be there...I wish it would all be banned and removed. I'm going to try and get back up. Need to go on the board more..read more...post more...pray more....I know I am weak, especially right now. I'll post on the board and see what sort of responses I get. I need a few more answers from those who have been in recovery from some time to see how they manage...is it always a continual struggle, even after a length of time??? Maybe it's time to dispense with the day count...since it did include a few partial slips...I think I need to focus on me and how I cope and deal...not looking at the number. The day count can work the wrong way...what happens the next time I get to day 100, or 200, or 300? I'll just have to see how it goes. I am soooo bummed right now...just can't believe it. I feel numb and burned out and used. I let myself be used and abused. In abusing and objectifying the women on the screen, I know I'm also abusing myself. How cruel and horrible. I have some serious thinking to do. Peace...
SD
Avoiding internet P...ok...but what about what I think about...what about not looking, or not thinking, or not giving in the MB desires...or not ogling, or any other facet that can feed the addictive mindset. 