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Post by LookingUp on Jul 2, 2005 19:14:10 GMT -5
The Garden of Eden as a type of marriage
I was thinking about the Garden of Eden and marriage. Okay, what do they have in common? Adam and Eve were told they could eat anything in the garden except the tree of life. They chose to screw it up - deceived themselves, thought they knew more then God and blew it for all of us. In marriage the only need we're not free to meet outside the marriage is the sexual union. But so many people blow it for the same reasons - decive themselves, think they know more than God and blow it for us loved ones and society as a whole.
This got me to thinking about marriage. I'm often upset because my husband won't talk to me, won't socialize with others and he procrastinates. But I'm free to get all other areas of my life met outside my marriage (unless I am misunderstand the Bible), except the sexual union.
Procrastination
I've really enjoyed the thread Choselife has started on the General Board on this topic. I hadn't thought of how my own procrastination plays into my food addiction. For today, I decided NOT to procrastinate. I had a craft I sell through the internet to finish - about 3 hours and I'd be done, but I'd been putting it off for a while. I try to make one a month - and this one was not done after 8 months. That's major procrastination. I finished it before I "earned" my breakfast or time on the computer. Then I started packing clothes I seldom wear so they will be easy to move as we paint rooms and when we move. Two big garbage bags are going to the thrift store. Then I got 4 hours of sewing done for my next craft project. After four hours, realized I'd done the first piece wrong and had messed every one of them up! But at least I did something - I'll just turn the boo-boo into a mini project. I feel better making mistakes then I do not doing anything. Plus, I was so busy, I didn't even think of food until meal times. That's success - one day at a time.
I've been annoyed because my husband hasn't cut the grass yet this year - it's not too tall, it laid down. He doesn't take showers daily like he use to - it's Saturday night and his last one was Wednesday. He does take bird baths with a cloth in the sink. Some things I just have to let go. I could pick up the ball like I did in my last marriage. Encourage him to shower with me to get him to do it; do the lawn myself. But them I got resentful when ex2 started thinking those were my responsibility instead of my occasionally helping him. Do it once - it's yours! I don't know if the town has rules, but I know when I went on strike and refused to do all the house cleaning, all the cooking, all the shopping, all the yard work and keep the cars serviced, washed and waxed, while I worked more hours a week and commuted further then ex2 - he just kept right on doing nothing. When the town came and gave him a week's notice to pick up the crappy yard or get a fine - he was mad at me. I refuse to put myself back in that position. If my husband was sick or injured - I'd jump in in a heartbeat and do all the chores. But he's more able bodied then me.
Resentment
I'm discovering I have some control whether I get resentful or not. I was feeling pretty resentful last night after I posted in my journal. So I adapted what I'd written to "I feel" statements, and e-mailed it to my husband. This morning he suddenly came up with a plan for preparing the house to sell. But just speaking and hoping I am heard - no matter what his response - is helping me not make new resentments. He's in his cave - but I'm learning his response is not my problem. I don't wake up in the morning trying to come up with ways to hurt or upset him; but sometimes life happens. I wake up in the morning and pray I'll be a blessing to him.
I'd always heard marriage was hard work - but I had no idea it would be THIS hard.
I'm still LookingUp to God.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 4, 2005 7:41:50 GMT -5
Humility
I wrote my own definition of meek and humble when I was doing my OA step-work. It does not mean down-trodden to me any more. My own personal definition is: "I have a realistic understanding of both my character defects and my strengths. I know myself and accept me just the way I am; therefore, I don't need to either flaunt my strengths or hide my weaknesses. I choose to use my strengths to heal, grow and to compensate for my weak areas." I like that so much better then the working definition I was taught as a kid - that meek and humble meant defective and only worth being used and walked on.
You mention Jesus. I don't think he went to the cross out of a weak, defective, that's-all-I'm-worth thought process. I think he saw his strengths, realized the best way to utilize them and chose to go to the cross.
I posted the above to whoami's journal - wanted to put it here so if I print out this thread in the future, I'll have that in it.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 4, 2005 15:05:41 GMT -5
I became grandmother for the 6th time today. I'm so excited - the first bio-grandaughter! But it's bittersweet. My ex turned the children against me when I left. His mother bought them new cars to ignore me for a couple years. The youngest has told me some of the horrific lies he, his mom and my mom said about me trying to drive a wedge between me and them. Now both children (in their late 20s) are embracing a relationship with me. Yes, it's hard because they are having to work through the pain of the lies their dad told them, and the pain of being lied to. Us SOs can relate with that - how many of us have said the pain of the lie is much worse then the pain of the visual adultery. My son invited his father to attend the birth - wait in the waiting room to see the baby when she was minutes old. Of course, he was late and the baby was a few hours old. But I felt so hurt. On the other hand, I was also rejoicing because I'd been praying the kids would reestablish a good relationship with their dad since I live 2500 miles away and only see them yearly. Part of me wants my ex to experience the pain of his children ignoring him for a few years. But I realize that is selfish. I'm just surprised that the pain of his past behavior would haunt me with such sadness when the kids started letting him back in their life. I'm not going to loose my sobriety over it. But the thought did cross my mind. It's also bittersweet because I'm still fertile (at 54) and would love to have another baby - which is totally ridiculious with the state of my health, the aging eggs and pending retirement. I'm pms, so it's emotionally rough right now. But mostly I'm excited for them! My mother called for the third time since I moved here 7 years ago - one time was to tell me she never wanted to see me or talk to me again and I was dead to her. She was so excited to have a grandaughter. I found that peculiar since she's done nothing for the past 54 years but (expletive) because I wasn't a male. Maybe it was her way of letting me know females are okay to her now. _________________________ My husband is back connecting to me again. The evening after he'd acted pouty all day, I invited him to make love. His response was a whiney, "Well, I suppose." But he did his duty like a man. <just kidding> As soon as he crawled on the bed, he was like his old self. The next day was full of inappropriate touching - but he's leveled out again. I wish he could talk about it. Well, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride - and you know what I'd be riding. <blush icon> I'm still LookingUp to God.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 5, 2005 21:26:12 GMT -5
Bullies
I often tell my friends on a blended family support board to change your response and the person who's annoying you so they won't know if they're pushing your buttons or not - and then they change.
When my husband was doing his (what I call) Puberscent Boy Act, I didn't get huffy, angry or pouty. I looked him squarely in the face and said, "You are acting like a bully." Not in a condescing way, just in a fact-stating way. Then I ignored what he was doing. **** trigger**** Hard to ignore somebody who's tipping you over and pulling your pants down for a peek; but I acted totally.... anesthized. I thought of how I feel when I'm getting my annual physical - totally detached from the proceedings and hoping it will soon be done. Bland, bored expression on my face. I'm sure that wasn't the response he was expecting.
I think of the times he use to wake up in the morning and push on my lower stomach. I'd ask him not to and he'd do the bully thing and keep doing it. One day he did it and I looked at him and said, "if you push there I might pee the bed. If I pee the bed because of your pushing you can either wash the bedding or you can sleep on the wet side tonight." He tried one more time and I gave the same response and he hasn't done it since - except once. One time he mock did it to try to get a response out of me. I just ignored him and shoved his hand away.
Abandonment Issues
I've realized for a few years that I have very typical abandonment issues. I was a preemie and was not held by my parents until I was a month old - then they took me home and were so busy with my older sister who needed rocked all night for 4 more years - and my grandmother who was dying of cancer that mom often says she never got to hold me.
Thus, we never got the mom/infant bonding and I think that's why she was always fault-finding of me. She knew something wasn't right - coudln't figure out what it was - didn't want it to be her - so put the blame on me. THus - I'm the black sheep live and in person.
But the attitude of not fitting because of abandoned ment "fit." so it permeated my life decisions. I had trouble making friends or would make friends and they'd abandon me (I'd probably be demanding or a jerk so they left as a self-fulilling prophecy - will have to think that through), I have trouble connecting to my husband at times - and blame him. It probably also gave me the neon sign on my forehead that says "victim."
But I was thinking about abandonment in light of the Bible. God made mankind to be connected with Him - to be loved, cherished, nurtured, accepted by His pure, holy love. But because of Adam's sin - a huge gulf opened and it separated mankind from God. We could no longer grasp that life-line of pure love from our Creator/Father.
We now look for love in all the wrong places. In people who let us down (no matter how hard they try or how good they are, eventually they can't meet all our needs); objects, things, relationships, and for many, addictions and compulsive behaviors.
Everybody who walks, crawls or staggers on this planet has abandonment issues because they are separated from their Creator.
Christ's shed blood redeemed us and sealed us with the hope that we will one day walk in that total acceptance - but sin on the earth and our own erroneous perceptions on life often keeps even devout believers feeling detached and abandoned by the only One who can fill that need for love.
Thus, I can blame mom, I can blame circumstances, I can blame life on my abandonment issues - but the bottom line is even had mom not rejected and abandoned me - I would still have this void that only God can fill. Until I allow him to fill it, I will feel abandoned.
Yet the fear that even God won't be enough - often keeps me from drinking deeply of his love to get that void filled. I still turn back to my addictions and compulsive behavior because they are familiar and I know I can cope with the pain when they let me down.
After all of the rejection and abandonment I feel - I still have areas of my life where I'm afraid of trusting God. Yet in Psalms 42 God promises us that "even if our father and mother should reject and desert us - that He will take care of us." (The Message Version) Why can't I trust his Word completely? My heart aches to trust him completely... SOmetimes I'm my own worst enemy.
Tiff
I had a mini argument with my husband as I sent him off to 12-hour night shift. I did good. I didn't scold or belittle him (even though I thought he was being unreasonable and making unilateral decisions without asking for my input). I told him he was entitled to his opinion, I was entitled to mine and I felt his was dead wrong. THen I gave him a big hug, kiss and wave and waved as he drove down the street.
But in hindsight - what I thought the underlying message of what he was saying was mocking and belitteling my hobby - which brings in some extra money (which we're putting aside to buy new furniture when we move).
But that same hindsight also says he was not making fun of my lucrative hobby, he was angry at himself because his needs and mine were in conflict and he was choosing his over mine.
Since he makes unilateral decisions - I made a unilateral decision. I didn't go against his wishes, I just found a compromise that works for me. It's not what I wanted but it's not what I think he wanted - it's rather stretching the letter of the law of his demands.
But I'm proud of me for speaking up and not holding it in and resenting him. Plus I did that without being disrespectful to him.
I feel guilty for hours and compulsively think about having stood up for myself (I still see that as being mean and unloving to him - but I know that's not true.) But I'm sure in time that I can make "I" statements (I feel <blank> when you do <blank>) without it having such trauma to me emotionally for hours. I'm trusing I'm in the learning curve of this new skill and it will smooth out in time.
I got a photo of my new grandbaby today - posted on the hospital site where she was born. She is absolutely the most georgeous baby in the universe. I'm not a prejudice grandmother - it's true. Lots of black hair, serene little face and no bright red facial marks so common to newborns. Today is her big brother's first birthday. I sure miss living so far away - but there are no other options for us.
LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jul 7, 2005 21:30:08 GMT -5
{{{{LU}}}} I wish I had more time to read more of you!. And more of everyone here...I want to PM you this weekend and I will really try... You help me immensly and I always look for you. I don't have your complete background but I think we have some things in common. I am tempted to give up on God sometimes, but you always bring me back..TY!! Our H's have much in common...mine has been nowhere and nothing for 30 years of my life..and it is confusing!! And it is still sounding like your H is still nowhere. {{{{{HUGS}}}} I have been somewhat of a bit8ch since disclosure. I feel God accepts, and understands..of course I could be dead wrong about this,! But I feel his blessing on me ,being not so saintly, is being forgiven.. I know HE knows! I feel our H's are connected on many levels...He doesn't want to talk or dig into this....so I'm learning not to talk or dig in either...just with myself, my God, and a few wonderful people like you! So anyway, LU, I'm glad you're here for me. I'll PM you Love....where the Fami ;D
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 8, 2005 8:23:42 GMT -5
whoamI, I'm looking forward to your PM. The first few discoveries, I was a total b!tch: rude, obnoxious, verbal bully, whiney, crying - I tried every trick in my book to manipulate him to change. Doggonnit, he didn't change! All those theatrics and he stayed the same. How frustrating is that? All he could hear was the emotions and figured when the emotions subsided - so did my threats, upset, anger with his porning. Like you, I believe God forgives me for that behavior the second I ask Him, too. Then somebody recommended the book, How to act right when your spouse acts wrong by Leslie Vernick. That book really, really gave me a new perspective on how God expected me to act and would help me act if I would lean on him when I wanted to come unglued on my husband. The next confrontation was over a week after discovery. During that week I calmed down, made a plan, and prayed. I came to our meeting well prepared, organized, very professional without a drop of hysteria or emotions. I didn't sound like his upset mother for a change! Totally blew him away. If I was calm and hating his porning - then he could hear my hurt. Go figure??? I act hurt and he can't hear me, but I act calm and he hears my hurt? Men!!! <eye rolling icon> It was what got him to give it up (or, I think he gave it up since I see improvements, but he won't/can't talk about it.) I found another good book, "Love and Respect" by E. E. Eggrichs. He has a web site www.loveandrespect.com/ It has some good free articles - especially "The Crazy Cycle" (which is where we'd been on the porn issue). It's hard to navigate. Lots of pop - up windows to read stuff and some have next buttons at the bottom and some don't. But it's worth the frustration to read his free stuff (I never paid to join). Lots of the free stuff is in his book. LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 8, 2005 16:05:37 GMT -5
I had a friend ask about family dynamics growing up - and since I'd already typed it, thought it might be a good thing to put in my journal:
My family dynamics were weird in hindsight, but I presumed they were normal when I was going through it. I'm glad I'm a woman who likes to analyze because I made a lot of different mistakes then Mom - but at least didn't repeat very many of her parenting boo-boos.
My mother was the 5th generation daughter to have her husband die while the children were in grade-school or younger. Back then, it was hard to be a widow so the kids were pretty much left to shift for themselves. Since Grandma knew Grandpa was dying - she planned ahead, picked out an older bachelor that was well to do and gave him the "ride" of his life - they married two weeks after Grandpa died. I think my grandmother was the smartest of all the family tree widows.
But I think that warped Mom. Her mother died when I was 13 months old, but from what my older cousins tell me - she was a mean woman. Disciplined by beating with willow sticks so the welts would show, humiliating, belittling, mocking, shaming. Although Mom always beat me with a razor strap (a double layer leather belt about 3" wide and 24" long to sharpen old-fashioned single-edged razor blaes on) - on my butt so I wouldn't have the humiliation of all my friends knowing. Back when I was a kid, most kids got an occasional spanking - so being spanked wasn't considered weird. Mom always said she tried to raise me just like Grandma raised her - to honor her memory - the older cousins said she was just as cruel as her mom with just as much "social" face to get public recognition-only Mom didn't have the intelligence and humor my grandmother did; so it worked better for Gram. My grandmother discovered cancer the week I came home from the hospital - so Mom always blamed me for killing her mom. If I wouldn't have been such a stressful, preemie baby, her mom wouldn't have gotten cancer. (Grandma had lived with them for 12 years).
Mom always wanted 4 boys - so they could take care of her if she was widowed. She was sterile and they tried from the day they married in 1936 until my sis was born in 1949. Easy pregnancy and healthy baby. Cost $20 for the hospital and $5 for the MD. 18 months later, I was born 2 months premature and C-section. They went home and left me in the hospital 150 miles away - came and got me when the doctor called a month later.
Mom still brings up that I cost $1,000 and wasn't worth it. In fact, when she sold my sister's desk and childhood furniture she gave the money to my sis. When she sold mine - she kept it because I "owe" her for the extra I cost. She said she'd cut me out of the will because it wouldn't be fair for us to get the same since I cost so much to be born. Duh! I just consider the source and roll my eyes.
Back when I was born, rural people didn't know anything about abandonment issues or bonding with your baby. Because we didn't bond - she just figured I "hated" her for leaving me behind. She couldn't cope with an infant who "hated" her - so she neglected me. Said once that she never held me until I was old enough to crawl in her arms. She fed me with my bottle strapped to a stuffed animal so she didn't have to hold me because I was so ugly (premie baby who was 23 inches long and 4 pounds 1 ounce). I wasn't the cute baby to show off and get her kudos from her friends and neighbors - so she really had NO use for me.
Dad was sick and dying with heart disease. It was handled so similar to alcoholic families. The non-drinker becomes a controller trying to make everything "perfect" so the other person won't "drink." But won't allow the drinker to take responsibility for their own disease. Dad loved us girls - I can't remember a night he didn't play with us, read to us, teach us Bible stories and to pray. He became a Christian when I was born. The doc said he'd try to save Mom but he couldn't save the Baby (me). Dad prayed for the first time in his life and told God if he existed and saved his wife and baby that Dad would find out about him and serve him the rest of his life. God did and Dad did. SOme fox-hole conversions stick.
Mom, obviously, was under a lot of stress. Hospital bills, times when dad couldn't work or run his own business, a child she was proud of and a child she felt hated her and was out to get her - by embarrassing her doing normal kid things and age appropriate boo-boos.
Mom said I got at least one spanking a day for my disobedience; but closer to 3. When I did my 4th step - I had dreams and saw myself as a little girl. She always dressed me in white ruffles - I'd get dirty and then get a beatin. I'd spill my milk (in a big cup) and I'd get beaten. I'd mispronounce a word and I'd get beat because I was stupid. I realize 99% of the stuff was NOT rebellious child - it was just immature (remember I was a preemie, too) coordination, thoughts, etc. She wanted perfect little "adults" in toddler bodies so her friends would praise her for what a wonderful mother she was and how obedient her kids were. I don't know if she was even capable of loving us for US, or for loving the acknowledgement mommies get in the grocery store or church when they have mannerly kids. We were her last-ditch effort to gain the self esteem she didn't have.
I'm pretty much through all that stuff through counseling. Now I'm trying to figure out how my Dad, whom I idolized, was truly NOT a safe parent because he knew I got thousands of spankings, got bruises on my face and never did anything to stop it. He'd put us to bed by 7:30 and then go back to work for a few hours. I think he just hated mom and didn't want to be around her. THey were civil to each other - after all, that's what marriages of the 50s were - civil; and Mom couldn't have handled not being the status-quo. She punshed his lights out once - so maybe he stayed away from fear?
After Dad died, Mom blamed me because I was sassing - like a normal 12 year old does. Every time I did something naughty or age appropriate (but not adult), she'd try to shame me. "It's a good thing you already killed your dad, if he knew you'd got a C on your homework, it would kill him." Thus, that was reinforced almost daily. The abuse became more physical because she felt I was too old so spank. THen she'd break my glasses a couple times, black my eyes.
I never told anybody because she said if I did they'd take me away and I'd probably get somebody worse and who'd hurt me more. I also knew nobody would believe me. Mom was a busineswoman in town, well respected, would close her little business to help with Girl Scouts, to be in PTA, to make cookies for school parties, taught Sunday School. She was overly involved in our lives - probably because she wanted to control us and assure we didn't screw up and embarrass her by being average, normal kids.
Mom never approved of anything I did. I wasn't pretty enough, petite enough, smart enough, social enough, coordainated enough to ever please her. But my sister exceeded her expectations - Student Council President, Home coming queen, Valdictorian, full scholarship to college, hung out with the popular crowd. When I was home a few years ago we got to talking about our friends. Mom kept on bashing my friends from High School and praising sister's. I finally gently asked, "Who would you have preferred I hung around with then < friends' names>." It totally stymied her. There was not one person that she would have approved for my friends but approved of all my sister's. I thought that was pathetically sad. It also let me know that NOTHING I could have ever done would have been enough to "win" her love and approval.
Where was big sis in all this? She was the Angel Child - the caretaker. The one who coddled Mom and soothed her and took care of her emotions. She was just as much a parent as my Mom. I don't think my sister will ever see the dynamics as I see them. THe couple times I've tried to bring up the abuse my sister got quite angry. Told me how I was selfish and Mom was doing her best and she didn't have to keep us and I should try harder to help her. She still buys my mom cars, medicine, Depends, televisions, cable - I'm glad she can. Mom said once that she felt so bad because she felt sis tries to parent her and they've never really established a relationship. Duh! But Mom can't figure out why and at 89, probalby won't.
I call myself the lucky one. I was the black sheep - the scape goat. If the car broke down - I was there to blame. If Mom had a bad day at work, it was my fault. But, because of that position - I could grow and change and STILL keep the family dynamics going. I've gone to counseling and support boards and changed a LOT - yet I'm still the black sheep. That position gives me more freedom then I'd have in other family positions. They notice I've changed, look puzzled, possibly change their responses to me a bit - but it doesn't threaten their positions, so they shake their head at what the "black sheep" is doing NOW (hear the exasperation in their voices) and the family dynamics stay intact so everybody is happy.
If mom would change - my sister would feel unimportand and invalidated because Mom didn't need her any more. If Mom would change and take responsibility for her own (expletive) - then my sis would feel displaced and unloved. Their dysfunction is so inter-dependent, where Mine is peripherary. But me, I'm free as a spring breeze. I've also discovered I'm free to love them in their dysfunction.
I love being a black sheep!
The main ways this has affected me as an adult is I quit having close friends (learning how now); I felt I needed a man to protect me (mom is nicer when I have a man draped all over me); I had a perception of God as angry and vengeful instead of loving and forgiving. As I discover how "I" (the toddler, child Debbie) chose to cope with the family dysfunction, I found I liked myself a lot better. Recovery is sweet. But I still realize those were coping mechanisms "I" chose as a child - other kids would have probably found other ways to make it tolerable.
Sorry my saga is so long. Guess that's 54 years work, eh?
I'm still LookingUp to God
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 11, 2005 10:13:40 GMT -5
Procrastination
I'm starting a daily to-do list and holding myself accountable to either get things done or explain why. I know one of my problems is compulsively doing things - so I start one thing I can't finish in one day and let everything else slip. So I may have some days where things don't get checked off because I got compulsive. But that's how I'll learn to better manage my time.
Today:
Vacuum main floor of house Do laundry Visit friend at 2 Get grocery flyers Cut and Sew maternity dress for youth pastor's wife Decide border for quilt I'm making and make and print graphic of finished quilt with new border. Shower and make bed Tidy computer desk Stay food abstinent and do dishes Spend time with God Spend time reading inspirational book or Bible
I did not put computer on the list because I have no problem sitting here - in fact, it's my main compulsive thing - even more than food anymore.
Co-Addiction Still struggling with how to start talking to my husband about anything that's not superficial. Trying to decide if being only as close as roommates maybe has some advantages. Feeling stuck. Scared. Not wanting to deal but wanting progress. Will put it on the back burner because dealing with the time management is enough new for one day - plus visiting a friend (new skill - having friends). Her husband is home and she is so nasty to him (he use to abuse her and she'd have to take their children to a safe house) - now the tables have turned. The old helper-helpee (co-dependent) tendencies crop up and I have to shove them down. I want to be her friend, I don't want to fix her - as that must be working for her or she'd change it.
Food I've had an overwhelming urge to eat - and I'm not hungry. Not sure if it's pms, that I took ibuprofen last night and it messed up my chemicals, lack of sleep - back ache from my diuretic, or emotional because I'm starting to learn to manage my procrastination/compulsive behavior. So far, so good - but I know I've been on the computer for the 2 hours I've been awake and if I don't get moving, I'll be sitting here at 10 tonight and won't have accomplished anything. (unfortunately, that's common) Here I go - into my first day of (hopefully) sane time management.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 11, 2005 20:52:54 GMT -5
Today:Update on how my stopping procrastination went
Vacuum main floor of house check Do laundry check Visit friend at 2 check - spent over 2 hours Get grocery flyers check Cut and Sew maternity dress for youth pastor's wife Cut it but didn't sew it - bought more fabric and cut a mommy/daughter dresses for her little girl Decide border for quilt I'm making and make and print graphic of finished quilt with new border. Nope - still thinking Shower and make bed check - even tucked the pillows in neatly and picked up room Tidy computer desk check Stay food abstinent and do dishes check - not only had dishes washed, but had them dried and put away (no dishwasher for us) Spend time with God Heading there now Spend time reading inspirational book or Bible Heading there now
I talked more to my new friend about friendship being new and she could sense when I was feeling panicky (I'm not given to panic attacks but would get this tense feeling.) She'd suggest we move to another room to sit - and then I did okay and we'd keep talking. Sit in kitchen, living room, and patio! She is so compassionate and I'm so thankful I met her.
My food was good. I wanted a sweet - so ate it instead of a meal. That worked good and if I only do that every week or two, it's not unsound nutrition.
I'm pleased. I didn't get everything done on my list, but I did a few things not on my list. Returned a new pair of scissors to the store as the spring was broken - ended up taking 45 minutes! Made a banana/pineapple cake for my husband. While I washed dishes, I also wiped down the fronts of the cabinets and the two pantry doors.
Spent time with my husband after his work day ended - he was on his computer and me on mine - looking at new listings for homes for sale.
I'm still LookingUp to God
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 12, 2005 0:51:55 GMT -5
Flashback
I had a flashback tonight. I went to bed at midnight and my husband didn't go to bed. Totally surprised me as he's worked 48 hours in the last 4 days and in 30 hours will work 24 more hours - only night shift.
I woke up at 1:17AM and he wasn't in bed. I rolled over to see the clock and the first thing I realize is there is no sound - so he's either watching television on mute or at his computer. I get up to potty and I hear him go outside to somoke. About a half hour later he comes to bed. I heard him come back inside after smoking but never heard any sound. He quietly sneaks into the room. That is sooo dumb, because he has came to bed like he belonged in the bedroom - not this tippy toe stuff like a teen sneaking in late for months.
Of course, my first thought is he's been porning. I am lividly angry. I pray that I'm not jumping to conclusions - after all his other behavior hasn't lead me to think he's doing anything but giving it up.
But it was like an awake nightmare. When he crawled into bed and put his arm around me, I physically got sick to my stomach and thought I'm vomit. I lay there a few minutes and get up. I'm watching "Shakespeare in Love" - but don't really like it - too many triggers. Shakespear's adultery, blah, blah. Can't even enjoy a movie anymore because of this stuff he's drug me through.
Right now I hate his guts. Hearing him tippy toe up stairs, I thought, wonder if he'd trip, hit his head and bash his brains out. My cynical first thought was - would hope his life insurance was enough to pay a maid to clean it up. Sick-o. Sometimes I think I'm a freaking sick as he is.
Then I prayed that God would help me love him with the love of Christ through me because I have no natural love left tonight - the well done dried up.
Communication
This communication thing is really bugging me. I don't know what are realistic expectations. I don't know what to have for a communication goal for me and it's really eating at me.
I thought of something I heard in a sermon - probably in 1976 or 77 - at the early months of my marriage to ex2. It went something like:
Research has shown the average person needs to speak 50,000 words per day. This normally isn't difficult for a man because he goes off to work and throughout the day he uses up 45,000 words. Then he comes home and his wife has been busy with the house and children and has used up 5,000 words. So here they are together, he has 5,000 words left and she has 45,000.
Unfortunately, he doesn't realize she needs to speak those 45,000 words. Eventually when she recognizes that he won't/can't hear her words, the word fountain starts drying up. After a year or two, she knows he won't meet her word needs.
Now they go through the rest of life and the most they share is 5,000 words per day. The part of her that wants to share has dried up - but with it also the part of her that wants to meet his needs.
I saw that happen in all three marriages. Ex1 the words dried up after a few months. If everything you say gets you verbally or physically abused, it doesn't take much to make the oasis of words a desert. With Ex2, it was a slower drying up and took a couple year - probably because we did have the children to discuss. With my husband, it's 7 years and now I feel hopeless and not sure how to feel about that. Mostly sad, worthless, afraid. alone.
Update
I hear him up ratting around in the bedroom. I often hear him doing that when I'm awake at night. I often wonder what he does; wonder if he has porn stashed there or if he's lusting after a photo of his first cousin who sent him nudes of her even after they were both adult and married to other people. yuck. I remember when I heard his cousin was married to a physically abusive man and often got put in the hospital for his abuse. I can't believe I'm saying this - having been an abused wife - if she was still doing crap like that to other men. Part of me feels sorry for her but part of me is so disgusted that a first cousin would send nudes to a married man - and her first cousin. That is soooo sick.
Closing
The good thing - I didn't turn to food. I came and journaled and got the pain out in a good way. That is progress. Self care instead of self-hurt.
I didn't blast him; after all, I have no evidence and if it's just a flashback then it's my problem to fix. I turned it over to God.
I'm still LookingUp to God - He's the only one who can fix this mess I'm living......
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 12, 2005 10:03:30 GMT -5
Today's DO-list- Take shower, wash hair and dress
- Sew the mommy/daughter dresses
- Decide border of quilt and make graphic of finished quilt.
- Do dishes
- Stay food abstinent
- Scour bathroom sink
- Start one conversation with DH
- Call one person and say hi.
(those last two will be the hardest)
- Make bed and tidy my dresser
- Buy stuff for salads
- Spend two times with God because I'm pms and feeling really unsure and afraid
- Don't blast DH because he's decided NOT to mow the lawn today as he said. It hasn't been mowed yet this year. Bit my tongue. Not my lawn, not my problem. In this land where we have 15 feet of rain a year and 14 feet of snow - the day is a cloudless, sunny day - wonderful for yard work. Aurgh. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 12, 2005 22:51:48 GMT -5
Rehash of TOday's DO-list- Take shower, wash hair and dress - check
- Sew the mommy/daughter dresses - I got the zig-zag for the seams done, but started having machine trouble. My husband will go with me to the place where we bought it a few months ago to get it fixed. The people who own the shop are rather old-fashioined. THhe father picks out the wives for his sons; has a dowery for his daughters; the women don't speak unless spoken to - so I know if I'd take the machine in, nothing would get done. But if my husband takes the machine in, it will get fixed. I'm glad he's willing to do that for me.
- Decide border of quilt and make graphic of finished quilt. - Yes, it's beautiful
- Do dishes - Yes
- Stay food abstinent - Yes
- Scour bathroom sink - Oops!
- Start one conversation with DH - Yes - great one! We discussed our concerns about the move - so that's MAJOR progress. He just said he'd had some but got them resolved. Then he discussed a few frustrating things going on at work. But he has a plan for any eventuality and I'm totally supportive of them. Then he started preparing his office for painting. I was concerned he wouldn't get it ready until it was so cold the windows can't be open (late August) and the paint smell makes me quite sick with my cirrhosis. I'm so glad to see him doing something besides sitting in front of the television or computer looking desolate.
- Call one person and say hi. - Decided to take two pieces of cake to my new friend - stopped three times and she wasn't home - and I don't know her phone number - but I made an attempt.
(those last two will be the hardest)It wasn't as hard as I predicted on either - guess that goes with this compulsive procrastination problem I'm going through
- Make bed and tidy my dresser - yes
- Buy stuff for salads - yes
- Spend two times with God because I'm pms and feeling really unsure and afraid - Did one short one - got compulsive on the computer and blew it
- Don't blast DH because he's decided NOT to mow the lawn today as he said. It hasn't been mowed yet this year. Bit my tongue. Not my lawn, not my problem. In this land where we have 15 feet of rain a year and 14 feet of snow - the day is a cloudless, sunny day - wonderful for yard work. Aurgh. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. - He hired a kid who did a great job and raked it. For $10 - suggested he have the kid come every other week until mid August when it won't need mowed again. He said that was great - probably cheaper then getting somebody to put a new spark plug and cleaning the mower. Yay.
I've often noticed when "I" make a change, then my husband responds with something different. Since he's stubborn and not good at compromise, I've noticed if I want change something that I change me and he just automatically shifts. It's like we're dancing. A nuance of change and the other keeps in step. I stopped procrastinating and the next day he shows some movement. Weird how that works.
Plus, we were a bit playful. I put some mp3 on the computer and tapped him on the shoulder and we danced around the living room. I'm trying to find things we use to do to help him feel loved.
But I noticed the times I went to town, when I came home he wasn't cleaning his office, he was at his computer. Makes me wonder if he's playing with the idea of slipping, or is slipping.
All I can do is pray that he'll be strong. I don't want to get into the monitoring crap as it brought me to one of my most terrible lows. Third Step, Looking UP, Third Step! Turn it over to my wonderful Higher Power who has the power to change his heart and the power to give me peace through this valley.
I'm still LookingUp - to God.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 13, 2005 9:33:11 GMT -5
Today's DO-list- Make a food plan
- Take shower, wash hair and dress
- Take sewing machine to shop
- If they fix it, sew the mommy/daughter dresses
- Do dishes
- Stay food abstinent
- Start one conversation with DH
- Go out for coffee with friend after OA
- Make bed
- Spend time with God because I'm pms and feeling really unsure and afraid
- Go to OA
- Try to call son - try both cell numbers - see how new baby is doing. Don't give up because they haven't answered their phone or don't return calls.
- Prepare envelopes to mail baby photos
Having a do list is as helpful for the procrastination as having a food list is to my compulsive eating. It helps me feel focused and supported - so I'm not shakey wondering what to do or what to eat so I'm not as apt to slip. It's already been planned when I was in my "sane" mind so when the cravings hit - I know what to do. LookingUp
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Post by choselife on Jul 13, 2005 9:47:02 GMT -5
Totally awesome job, LookingUp. Extremely motivating to me. I love the accountability, the sense of humor (expressed by "oops" for the bathroom sink), and the sense of accomplishment you obviously feel.
I look forward to following these to-do list posts, and especially the followup to what you accomplish every day. Very interesting reading and very proactive approach on your part.
I am actually getting some stuff accomplished now, but when get to a stopping point, I will make my list to. I will put it in the procrastination thread on the general board.
Keep up the great work.
CL
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 13, 2005 13:50:32 GMT -5
Thanks, CL. Glad you're enjoying my humor. Days are short - I'm still on the high of trying something new. I wouldn't be surprised if the oopsies happen more as time moves on and I'm not on the high. Hope that doesn't happen, but realize that could happen.
LookingUP
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Frustration
Today feels like an oopsie. Took the sewing machine over. Stood there for about 10 minutes - guy finally asked if he can help. Show him the sample fabric where the machine wasn't sewing correctly. Said his dad would be back from South America tomorrow could we bring the sewing machine back on Friday. Since it straight sews okay, I can probably finish the dresses. But my husband is resting before night shift - my machine is in the room next to his and keeps him awake - so no sewing while he's sleeping - that will be until shortly before my OA meeting - and then most of tomorrow morning.
Tried to start the conversation with my husband. Asked a question - answer was "no" - that didn't lead very far. Need to learn to draw him into conversation or ask a leading question and not a yes/no question.
Tried again. Asked what he felt the best thing God ever did for him. Answer "Gave me two wonderful wives." I always HATE when he does that and I walked into it with eyes wide open. I'm not dissing his dead wife, but I sure don't want compared to her or grouped with her. But, I know when I'm dead and he has wife 3, he'll never dis me - so part of it is comforting, too.
I still haven't made the food plan - so I had a little slip; so that also blew the abstinence bulleted item. Need to rearrange the do list so if one thing fails, more items don't get toppled over. Too many of those and I'll get frustrated.
I have two hours and only about 30 minutes of chores I can do without waking him. This evening will be busy with OA and friend. Feeling frustrated because today's schedule isn't working for me. Doesn't mean schedules won't work - just today got goofy.
I want a clean do-plan just like I want a clean recovery - and some days that seems impossible.
LookingUp
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