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Post by Gewis on Jan 19, 2006 15:37:11 GMT -5
Your posts about emotional disconnection and learning to appreciate the present probably belong in my journal too. You haven't copyrighted them, have you?
I always had a temper problem, and in my family I felt very vulnerable to criticism. I learned from a young age that I had to keep the important things (like my feelings and hopes and dreams) under wraps and carefully protected. So I've got this wonderful shell, this mental decision making apparatus that is logical and rational and makes sure my actions and voiced opinions are impervious to criticism. Up until recently, my emotions have had very little say-so in the decision making processes. I would acknowledge them and sometimes factor them in, but then they'd go back to their vault and I went back to calculating what the best course of action would be.
But calculating and planning are only useful for the future, even if it's very near future, and have little bearing on what's happening right now. The good results of logic, I've recently found, aren't nearly so good if I don't have any opportunity to enjoy them. The best I could ever hope for is that things were going smoothly and there wasn't some major challenge to solve and overcome, and smoothly doesn't mean happily. I use the term 'happy' to mean content, peaceful, and tranquil, rather than excited or full of pleasure. I've been learning, and have become progressively better at it, to let my feelings out and feel them and enjoy them, or feel sad and mournful as circumstances prompt. Somehow, life is beautiful in ways I never knew. I'm learning to be grateful for things.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday, or something cliché like that.
My logic still plays a significant role in my decisions, and I haven't gone to the other extreme in order to correct myself. But I do a lot less worrying when I allow myself to realize that things are pretty good right now.
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Post by BlackSpiral on Feb 1, 2006 4:50:38 GMT -5
The Magic of Triggers I don't know if I've just been imagining it or not, but I seem to have seen a lot of mention of triggers, dealing with them, avoiding them, preventing them, resisting them, facing them down, and whatnot over the last couple of weeks. I got to thinking about it, and I figured I'd post something about it.
There's a fact that is often cited, and probably even more often ignored - if you feel you're ready to test your recovery, then you ain't recovered enough. There are guys out there who'll say, hey. I think I'll go to that strip club, just to prove I don't get horny there. I'll look at porn, just to prove I can stop. I'll call one of those sex lines, to prove I can hang up.
These are the residents of Stupidville.
Fact is, if your bottom line is worth a damn, even DOING one of these things would send you screaming back to day zero. On top of that, if you're thinking this, I'd reckon it's a 99% chance that you're fooling yourself, and that your real motives lie underneath the thinking. And beyond this, there's one more thing - something that relates to this, and to triggers.
The Sneaky factor.
Take a breath, and sit down, as I tell you something you already know. When you're recovering, what you're looking at right now is not the only problem - when you're fighting to recover, what you see in front of your nose is NOT the only issue. There's one that may perhaps be even MORE important - memory. It's the thing that takes that trigger you saw that didn't trigger you, that porn you "didn't" get turned on by, that phonecall you hung up, and files it under "screw this guy up later this week." Fact is, for most of us, the memory of things we've seen is a hell of a lot more threatening and dangerous than the things we're actually seeing.
This is one of the ironies of triggers. You can think, hey - I'm in a good place today! I can probably deal with those triggers. They won't upset me, I won't be triggered, I won't be kicked off by them. I can HANDLE this trigger, I tell you! And sure enough, you see it, you think hey - no problem here. No arousal, no triggering. I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm kicking this thing. No worries, man.
Then four days later, you're NOT in a good place. You're tired, you're miserable, you're stressed out, you're having a rotten day. And right then, back it comes - a fresh memory, carefully built, on that day with the trigger you were able to "handle".
But now, you can't handle it so well. And four days after the trigger showed up, it's suddenly a threat.
As addicts, we get all caught up in the moment, and don't think too much about what's going to happen later. We don't consider the consequences, we don't consider what will happen a day, a week, a month or a year after we act. And in our recovery, although we're fighting for a brighter future, we can sometimes be just as blind to the consequences of our behaviour. We see a trigger as something immediate, in the moment only, something to be resisted; because it won't cause us to act out today, we don't see it as a threat. We don't consider the fact that the trigger may write itself into our memory, to threaten us later, when we're less well-prepared; that it can be a threat even after its immediate presence is gone.
Most of the triggers I have experienced have not been things I saw, but what I thought about them, how I remembered them later. Sometimes, in a bad place, the trigger would strike me in a moment; but it was the memory of it, the memory that I carried with me during the day, that was the real threat. Other times, in a good place, I might encounter something that would once have triggered me, but didn't - only to see it come back to mind days later, hitting me out of the blue, far harder than it did on the day I encountered it. Today, the practice I've had with controlling my thoughts means that even remembered triggers have little strength to unsettle me; I've learned to push them out. Dealing with my own memories and thoughts has been central to my recovery. But despite that, I wanted to post this because of a fact that I think is too often ignored.
Triggers can remain triggering, even after they have passed.
So, the next time you're thinking that you can face a trigger, that it won't matter, that you can handle it, just take a moment to think twice about it. You may well ride it out, no trouble at all - only to struggle and fight against the memory of it for some time afterward. It may turn out that the memory is far more dangerous to you, and to your sobriety.
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Post by witness on Feb 1, 2006 6:40:00 GMT -5
BlackSpiral,
When I think you may never be back you pop in here again with something helpful. Nice to see you again!
I totally agree with two things you wrote: - if you feel you're ready to test your recovery, then you ain't recovered enough.
I know better than that. As you said that is plain stupid. It's like the kid I just read about in the news that got into a cage with an elephant thinking he would feed it and got crushed to death.
The other thing I have been doing is to push ALL those triggering thoughts from the present or the past out of my mind as soon as they pop up.
Thanks again for sharing!
P.S. Be sure and let me know when you publish your book so that I can buy a copy!
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Post by Covad on Feb 3, 2006 1:43:47 GMT -5
Your "triggers" post rings true. Thanks for that. I hope you don't mind that I read your posts with an American accent in my mind. I tried using a British accent, but I couldn't pull it off. I sounded like a bad American actor trying to be a Brit. I just thought you should know you are a Yank in someone's mind! Covad
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Post by jh on Feb 3, 2006 9:39:56 GMT -5
I have learned a lot from triggers this week and you managed to put it nicely into words, something I was struggeling to do. Thanks again for true wise words.
- jh
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Post by BlackSpiral on Feb 5, 2006 20:40:10 GMT -5
Frightening numbers...I wanted to post this - it's a link to a page that covers statistics on porn use, both on the internet and other forms. Some of the numbers are quite scary, not least those on child porn and the exposure of children to porn. internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics.htmlAll of us are battling against our addiction to porn; and although primarily this is against ourselves, it is also against a culture which is increasingly accepting of porn, even exalting some of its members to high social status that really shouldn't befit what they do. It can be a hard struggle sometimes, feeling like we're battling against something that more and more seems normal, acceptable, commonplace, even admirable or positive. I posted something about this a long time ago - I've linked to it earlier in my journal, but I'm going to link to it again here, too. lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1091198467
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Post by BlackSpiral on Feb 18, 2006 20:56:50 GMT -5
A Thought, on Cancer... Often, when peope start to get into recovery or sobriety, they draw a pretty exact line for what is, and what isn't, acceptable for them. I think for many, too, they decide what they are and aren't willing to give up, even if it's never stated explicitly. It's a shame, but I think for the most part, their reasoning doesn't stretch beyond "I like this too much to give it up".
Recently, I was thinking about addiction, and how it can be related to a cancer in some ways. The addiction is a cancer in our lives; at first, it's small, it's isolated, and it doesn't cause us much damage. You could cut it out right away, and your life would continue on, much as if it had never been there. But most of us don't cut it out, and it becomes malignant.
The cancer starts to spread then, affecting different parts of our lives, different elements of our lives, just as cancer might spread to other parts of the body. It becomes more and more aggressive, affects more and more things, and does more and more damage as it is left untreated. And finally, one day, we realise that the cancer is killing us, and that we need to remove it.
All too often, we look at the cancer, and we cut out the middle bit of it - the bit that we would have removed, when it first affected us. But we leave alone the areas it's spread to; as if somehow, removing the middle of the cancer will heal the rest.
It doesn't work like that, though.
If you had cancer that had spread to an arm, and you had to cut your arm off to live, would you do it? Most wouldn't like it; but most, I think, would make the trade. We'd cut off an arm, we'd lose a limb, in order to save our life. After all, even with one arm, you can lead a wonderful life - you can have a rich, satisfying time. Keep the arm, though, and you die.
The addiction is like this too. You could try to cut out the core behaviour; the source of the cancer, if you like; but if it's spread, then you need to go beyond that, and cut out the other things, the affected parts, the areas of your life that have become cancerous. They may seem like hard losses to take, painful things to lose, even things that you don't ever want to give up. But really, we'd never want to lose our arm either. We do it, though, because we choose life; and because we know, as hard as the loss may be, we can live rich lives beyond it.
Cut out the whole of the cancer, not just part of it.
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Post by rpl on Feb 19, 2006 20:10:47 GMT -5
BlackSpiral, I just started reading your journal and am beginning to understand why you are considered one of the heroes to many on this board. I'm amazed by the extremely deep and profound detail that goes into your posts. I could definitely see you writing a book on recovery from P. Keep it up! Thank you for the inspirational words. RPL
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Post by Someguy on Feb 19, 2006 22:48:12 GMT -5
It is funny how you have written this post on porn addiction as a cancer. This past week I have been looking at myself...assessing the damage I have done, and I have begun to notice that I allowed this addiction to eat more of me. I am able to compare myself now to the me I was 2 or 3 months ago, and I feel different. I feel as though a part of me is now missing....eaten up. For this past week I have been sitting, hack-saw in hand....looking for what parts I can salvage, and what has to go.
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Post by 1975 on Feb 24, 2006 1:31:04 GMT -5
I like the cancer analogy very much, and you've fleshed it out well above.
I have to ask though, if you think the analogy has its' limits?
In a number of ways for me, the concept of healing is one that motivates me to overcome this- to repair damaged parts of myself, (in time, with patience) and to grow into a better person than I was before this problem began. Not to say it's easy or quick, but I believe it is very possible.
Am I mis-interpreting what you've written?
Also, what you wrote about the culture being cancerous and glorifying p* is, unfortunately, very accurate. I think it is helpful sometimes to see ourselves in a fight against that culture. It doesn't absolve us of responsibility, but it can put some things in perspective to realize that past generations have not had to deal with as much of this crap.
Being proactive is also usually a good idea, "the best defense is a good offense" sort of idea- fighting p* and its effects in the larger world can be a sign of our own strength at having conquered its grip on ourselves. I'm not suggesting campaigning against it necessarily, but speaking out against it in our lives when it comes up in conversations, on tv, etc etc etc.
I've found that as I overcome this more, I am more likely to bring the topic up in conversation, and//or not shy away from it. The shame loses its power after awhile. Discussion exposes this dark habit to the light and causes it to vanish. (Assuming one is talking to the right people about it.)
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Post by 1975 on Mar 7, 2006 22:15:14 GMT -5
Blackspiral,
Just read a few old posts of yours linked to the "Board Gems" thread. They are so insightful. I think I may finally see what you say about building recovery, protecting it etc.
Hope you won't be away from the board for too long...
'75
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Post by witness on Mar 8, 2006 9:10:06 GMT -5
I also like the idea from the cancer analogy that we must take drastic action and cut out ALL of what ails us. I think too many of us have "pet" sins. We get rid of lots of things but hold on to a few. We must give them all up or they will come back to haunt us.
I also agree with 75 in that I believe that by fighting this cancer and eliminating it that we can be reborn to become a better person than we were before and perhaps even better than if we had never been through such a struggle.
For instance, BlackSpiral, I don't think you could have the insights you do if you had not lived through this problem and struggled with it personally.
I too look forward to hearing from you again. I am also still interested in seeing all of your thoughts laid out in an organized fashion.
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Post by BlackSpiral on Mar 22, 2006 1:49:33 GMT -5
About the cancer - that's the point! You can't beat the cancer if you only cut out half of it, though.
Anyway, onward...
Memory, Revisited I don't really know if I need to post this or not, but for some reason, I was thinking about it and felt that I should. It's to do with our recollection of the addiction, and in particular, our visual memory of it.
I've written, more than once, about the need for us to focus on building up a strong sense and awareness of the negative side to our addiction. As addicts, part of the reason that it's so hard to break through is an intense, reinforced sense of the positives - the emotional reward, the high, the kick. Getting lost in that high has been likened to a trance state, where the addict is so focused on it that everything else around them is trivial, almost unreal.
To help address that, I've always felt that one of the most positive steps that an addict can take is to stop themselves from focusing on those elements; to cut out the positive elements from their mind entirely, to try and break down that reinforcement cycle, and to instead focus on the positives of sobriety, and the negative impacts of the addiction. This allows the former, positive association to fade, and a new, negative association with the porn to be established in its place.
What I think is important to write about is the fact that the memory of the images, clips or sounds, those substantial elements, are very much the opposite. Allowing ourselves to recall them is a cycle of positive reinforcement for the addiction, rather than the negative that we need to directly, deliberately establish.
It may not be immediately obvious, of course, but the images are an integral part of the addiction's high; a part of the experience. Recalling them is, to some degree, a way of consuming them again; it would be like an alcoholic being able to take a small drink simply by thinking about the bottle. For us, that substance doesn't need to be consumed directly; and because of that, even focusing on the memory, or allowing it to persist, can be tantamount to consuming it again, although not with the same intensity. The important element is that by doing so, we allow our mind to continue to dwell on the positive highs; the emotional or internal chemical high that it provides. We allow our mind to rebuild those pathways.
I've talked about visualisation before, and how it can be very nearly as effective as actual acting out - and in this case, it is much the same. Many addicts are content to maintain a kind of sobriety that can be demonstrated as fitting a set of paper rules, but don't acknowledge the serious damage that simple recollection can do to it. If I was to spend a day, dwelling on all the memories I had, I have little doubt that I would do my sobriety considerable damage - perhaps as much as if I had actually returned to look at a something during that day. I would have rebuilt, reestablished, reinforced the addiction's positive association all over again; and all, without actually looking at a single thing. For some, this may simply be a lazy habit - allowing ourselves to recall the addiction, all the while simply saying "I won't return to it", but allowing our mind to dwell on our memory of it.
The danger inherent in this kind of recollection is greatly underestimated, I think.
For most of us, though, we have obvious countermeasures; if we are willing to make deliberate use of them. We can take our old, negative memories - pains we've suffered as a result of the addiction, things we've lost or thrown away - and when our mind turns to the other memories, we can pull those in instead, taking control of our memory and using it to forge a negative association with our addiction. But this needs to be deliberate; it's not something that will do itself, or something that will happen on its own. And as long as we allow our memory of our addiction to run without chains or restrictions, we allow it to continue to dictate its role and its association within our recollections of it.
This is a bit scattered, I know...I didn't quite find a way to say this in a way that felt right, but it's been on my mind recently, and I thought I should throw it into my journal before I forgot all about it.
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Post by choselife on Mar 22, 2006 6:09:11 GMT -5
That was not the least bit scattered in my opinion. I am happy to say that what you are recommending is precisely what I am currently quite consciously doing, and it makes maintaining sobriety so much easier. You got to put all this stuff together in a book!!! Maybe not your goal, but I do think you can make it onto Oprah! Besides more importantly helping many thousands. And there is nothing wrong with making a few dollars!
CL
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Post by witness on Mar 22, 2006 7:43:28 GMT -5
BlackSpiral, I have always liked what JH says: "not even a hint of sexual corruption". And I too have tried to immediately get rid of any of those memories of images from the past the very instant they pop into my mind.
But I have not done as you suggest here to go directly from those "pleasurable" memories to the "real/negative" truth of where this addiction leads and how bad it can be.
I like the idea of bringing up those true thoughts to combat the lies that flash into my mind telling me how beautiful it all was.
I think there is a tendency NOT to keep recalling this bad side of the addiction as it is heavy and sad. Certainly not fun to recall. But it is like the child who touches a hot stove. If he forgets how bad the burn was, he is likely to go back and get burned again.
Thanks for sharing! I always enjoy hearing what you have to say.
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