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Post by Bill Swan on Oct 12, 2005 13:43:28 GMT -5
Congratulations! What a milestone.
What advice could I, with one week, give to you, with 2 years. Hmmm... My AA experience has taught me that it's often difficult after milestones because the goal has been met. The next achievement is far off. It's one day at a time. But I'd like to be humble here and admit again that I don't presume to tell you something you don't already know. Face to face this would be different.
I remember when I first came back to this board, Runningman said I should watch your post because he thought you had good things to say.
My best you,
Bill
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Post by Bill Swan on Oct 13, 2005 20:12:33 GMT -5
Honestly speaking; do you HAVE a next goal? or are you past goals? In the spirit of learning, please elaborate.
Bill
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Post by Gewis on Oct 13, 2005 20:27:24 GMT -5
Oh, I could speculate, Bill A goal of being kinder, more patient, more understanding... in general a charitable person. You can't measure that with days, but ultimately becoming selfless and loving should be the goal, right? The ability to see people for who they are, for the intrinsic value they have... happiness comes through selflessness and humility, whereas PA is rooted in and reinforces pride and selfishness. It is inherently focused on the self and leaves no room for the wellbeing and feelings of those around you. BlackSpiral, your entries here are really insightful. I suppose two years sobriety can provide the strength and clarity to see things in ways those of us still mired in our problems can't. Of course, you've got your own new problems, but I very much look forward to dealing with my own new problems rather than this.
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Post by BlackSpiral on Oct 24, 2005 13:48:56 GMT -5
The idea of the Natural Self One thing I've noticed in myself from time to time is a small tendency to want to allow things to 'settle back down' into the way they were. Underneath, it's driven by the idea that - at our core - we have a natural balance of attitudes, beliefs, behaviours and thoughts that are healthy, and that if we simply stop the unhealthy things that are throwing us out of balance, then the balance will restore itself naturally.
I've thought that more than once; and I think it has an element of truth. Most of all, I believe that when you are in that point of balance, you will find yourself being most comfortable, and most happy. It's where you are at peace, able to successfully reconcile your morals, beliefs and actions as a single whole; it's where your thoughts, feelings and actions are all in line with each other. But to get to that place, I believe that we need to apply the effort; I don't believe that this 'natural balance' state has much or any gravity of its own - and that's the belief I'm writing about mostly today.
Here's my thinking - though it may be a little off-the-wall from a recovery standpoint. As people, I believe that our most natural state is similar to a blank canvas; not 'good', or 'bad', simply neutral and undefined. Society, to a large extent, will define what is acceptable and unacceptable, good and bad, noble and cruel, wicked and just. Its rules are what we will follow - often, those rules will be born from a mixture of necessity and greed.
Most of this feeling comes from looking at history, and at the various world cultures that have come and gone. There are some noble and righteous, by our standards; and there are some cruel or warlike. But within themselves, they believed what they were doing was right, acceptable and just; even noble, or worthy of pride. War and killing have changed shape throughout history; at times, they have been sources of pride, justified and accepted by most. Slavery and child labour have followed the same path; even paedophilia has reached acceptance in some cultures and countries through history.
Today, we don't share those views for the most part; we have been taught to empathise with others, to consider how they feel, the damage that is done to them, the pain that they are being put through as a result of our actions. However, the important point here is that we have been TAUGHT this. This isn't some natural thing we have been blessed and born with; this is the state of our culture. This is the world we are raised into. We are shown the impact of our actions around the world, and taught to understand the impact of what we do. But without being shown this, without being taught this, chances are good that we would still follow the same path that, for most of us, some of our ancestors already did.
Society's conscience is not a product of the people in it, but the product of what those people are being shown and taught. I realise there are exceptions; there are always those who realise that things are wrong in their society, who will push against it, and speak out. But those are the people who have made their own beliefs, rather than adopted those of the society around them; and they are exceptions to the rule.
The natural balance for people, left to their own devices, is to be drawn toward the culture that they are being shown - the beliefs and attitudes of the things around them, the people, the media, become accepted as the social norm. Beyond that, there's no natural, central balance that will simply reassert itself against that flow - or if there is one, then it is broad, and weak. To go against that balance, I believe you need to establish your own beliefs - and do it strongly.
At the core, I believe that's a part of who and what we are; and it shapes how we must approach recovery. It's not enough to simply try not to act the way we don't want to act, and to hope that it will fade away; instead, we must be driven to make ourselves act the way we DO want to act. We have to define our own centre, our own balance, our own morals, our own values and beliefs, and then we must fight to enforce and assert them within ourselves. We can't simply sit back and wait for them to surge in - because they aren't going to.
So when we feel ourselves starting to think or act in a way that we don't believe we should, then we need to push ourselves - drive ourselves - to think or act in the way we would choose to act. We have to be consistent, and determined. That way, we can establish our core influence; our definition of our balanced centre; from within ourselves, rather than without.
At least...I think that all makes sense. It seems to ring true for me in my head, and seems to echo the experiences I've had in recovery. Those things that I have actively worked to change, have changed; and those things that I have hoped to change over time have largely remained stagnant until I imposed a stronger decision over the top. Sometimes, the decision to change one thing will echo through and influence changes in other areas...but for the most part, it is that concrete decision to make a change, rather than wait for it to happen, that has been the telling factor for me.
It's worked so far, anyway.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 5, 2005 8:27:36 GMT -5
Blackspiral,
While I agree with the importance of gaining caring, I believe there is caring here - in single messages, groups of messages, entire threads, and established friendships. I understand that you have kept a distance, knowingly, from people here, but that has been your conscious choice, and one made to honour your boundaries.
Nevertheless, many here have developed caring for one another or for selective few that they have interacted with. I completely disagree that there is no caring and love to be had at this place.
At the same time, I agree that having loving support in real life is of great importance in general, and for recovery.
Still
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Post by witness on Nov 5, 2005 11:47:48 GMT -5
In March you wrote:
The other is active. You plan. You work. You prepare and you stock up. You watch for problems coming, try to see them before they get here, and try to avoid them - or if not, you do your best to make sure you're steady, so they will pass you by without dislodging your grip on the mountain. And the more you work it, the better you get at seeing problems before they come. Soon, you're almost never encountering the problems at all, because you've learned to avoid them - or sometimes, because you've changed yourself, and things that used to be problems aren't anymore.
That is my plan. I don't want to just sit back and wait for something to happen or not happen. I need to always be aware and never get caught off guard.
Thanks for sharing. I'm new to the board and up to now find it very helpful. W.
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Post by Gewis on Nov 5, 2005 19:49:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry for not asking your permission before posting a link on the general board to your journal. I thought your post and its wisdom would speak for itself, but some folks thought I was trying to attack somebody. I suppose I can see why they would assume that, and how they'd assume the same thing if I posted ANYTHING. But it's going to get you associated with me, which will be bad for you.
So, I am sorry for that.
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Post by ladybug71 on Nov 10, 2005 17:35:18 GMT -5
Just read your comments about the bicker board... really appreciate them. I have always been pretty good at letting things roll off, but then again, I have also not been the target of any "bricks" here on the board! Just wanted to tell you that that bicker board post of yours was truly inspired. We should be able to give eachother so much strength. I know people's emotions can run high, but I really appreciate when people take time to post an honest, caring response instead of just ranting about the first thoughts that come to them. My first response is not always the best one to share! Thanks again lb
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Post by Covad on Dec 9, 2005 12:02:45 GMT -5
Bump. (I'm tired of searching for your journal, so this is for my convenience!)
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Post by Covad on Dec 15, 2005 17:18:59 GMT -5
Thanks for the tip. I thought pressing the "Bookmark" button put the page in my browser's bookmarks.
That's a nice feature.
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Post by BlackSpiral on Jan 8, 2006 1:32:20 GMT -5
And a word from our sponsor... Well, not strictly our sponsor. Gandhi, in point of fact. Someone on the general board linked to part of his writing about why he chose to pursue celibacy, and in the middle of it, a quote jumped out at me as relating very strongly to what we do when we try to become sober. He's talking about fasting, with regard to food at this point; but I've found the same to be equally applicable to sobriety from this addiction.
"With some, fasting is of no avail, because assuming that mechanical fasting alone will make them immune, they keep their bodies without food, but feast their minds upon all sorts of delicacies, thinking all the while what they will eat and what they will drink after the fast terminates. Such fasting helps them in controlling neither palate nor lust. Fasting is useful, when mind co-operates with starving body, that is to say, when it cultivates a distaste for the objects that are denied to the body."
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Post by BlackSpiral on Jan 12, 2006 23:36:49 GMT -5
A Separation of Thinking This post doesn't really have a natural conclusion; it's simply an observation from my own life, in the here and now, which I can remember echoing back to somewhere in my mid teens.
I've had a bad habit for some time, of being able to think my way through things without any really deep understanding or sense of the real consequences, or their impact, or how I would feel. That's led me down some strange paths; I've been aware of a detached or unemotional sense with regard to people, places and things, and I've wondered what it meant. What it meant about the people, or what I really felt about the places, or whether the things were important to me, and so on.
Somehow, it took me until a couple of days ago for a piece to click into place in my head; and for me to realise that this detached lack of emotion had nothing to do with what was outside of me; nor even anything to do with how I actually felt about them, but something instead to do with the way my thinking operated. One side of my mind; the logical side, the side that solved puzzles, asked questions; seems to be extremely poor at talking to the other one. Sometimes, they communicate fairly well - sometimes, I'm aware of emotions, to the point where asking myself questions can provoke some powerful emotional responses. But at other times, the two sides barely seem to touch each other at all.
It struck me at first when I was asking a bad question of myself - I was feeling distant from my wife, as a result of my own actions, and it had led me to this without me really thinking it. I noticed the pattern and was reaching to stop it, when I realised that in that place, I didn't actually connect with the real emotions that I had been feeling, even minutes earlier. So I wondered, and asked myself about something else I knew well - an incident outside of our relationship, which I had gone through only a couple of months earlier. I asked myself, what if it was to happen again? What if it was even worse?
Back came the idea that I would be fine; that emotionally, it wouldn't disturb me. I would be calm, cool, collected, and completely okay. This, I know, is garbage. When it happened two months ago, I was upset, distracted, distraught, worried, and couldn't concentrate on anything else; even though I knew, for certain, that it would all be fine. I even had a time for when it would be fine; yet I still worried and was upset.
After realising this, I thought back...and realised that since my teenage years, perhaps around 13 or 14 years old, I can remember feeling this same kind of logical detachment between the two parts of my brain. It's as though the logical side of my brain simply doesn't bother checking with the emotional side for anything at all, and I end up with this mixed message; it's like some weird kind of schizophrenia, with one side of my brain feeling and thinking like normal, and the other side coldly detached from everything. It doesn't seem to care about anything, nor be easily stimulated to do so; my own death, the death of those around me, crippling injury, pain; none of the prospects so much as provoke a response at times.
The strange thing about it, however, is that it doesn't always seem like the emotions are nonexistent; it's almost as though they are instead kept in check, buried behind some kind of barrier. Afterwards, when I'm no longer thinking, sometimes I'll feel the emotions you might have expected to feel at the time. Guilt, for things I am not happy that I thought; pain, for considering loss. At one time in the last two years or so, when I was using candles and meditation to help centre myself at times, I recall sitting down to meditate, feeling cold and detached; and within a minute, was emotional and in tears, as everything seemed to surge back.
It's a strange revelation to me; I'm not entirely sure what to make of it, either, to be honest. I'm writing this, partly to share it in case others have gone through the same; and partly to see if in some way, I can help myself to reach some kind of understanding about it.
The emotional detachment I can recall going back to around 13 or 14 years; and that, too, would correspond to the times when I felt I was being picked on and bullied. So I have to wonder whether this kind of emotional block was simply a way to cope; a way to retreat, and to protect myself from what was around me. If I can't feel, I can't be hurt, after all.
The whole thing is weird; though even without repairing the problem, at least I know and understand that the one side of my mind suffers from this. To me, it seems like it is somehow crippled; like the man who has torn his eyes from his head to avoid seeing. Somehow, that side of me is blind; yet in all this time, I've never really recognised that fact before. I've felt the lack of emotion; just as acutely as I have felt its intensity in other situations. And I haven't understood it; it's bothered me, frustrated me and led me to question things that, I now realise, were not the source of any issue. There was nothing about the things that caused me not to feel; it is simply that there is a side of me that seems to be near immune to any kind of emotional response.
I don't know how to deal with it, but as with so many things, seeing it is the first step. Even now, though I may still have that side to me, it carries with it the knowledge that it is detached from its emotional half; and that it must therefore be considered suspect as an emotional judge. Just that single piece of knowledge alone is a powerful one; it allows me to try and seek a solution, and to understand why sometimes I do not feel what I might expect. And that understanding is, at many times, the very thing that I was looking to find.
So, it's just one more step forward; or perhaps in this case, forwards, and to the side just a little. But I feel positive, as I so often do when I learn something else about myself. Chains are breaking; old bonds are being cut. It's only a matter of time, now, until I find the way to break these ones too; and even now, I have rid myself of their weight. They may not be broken, but for all that, they are more easily carried.
Recovery truly is a voyage of discovery.
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Post by BlackSpiral on Jan 17, 2006 6:03:47 GMT -5
Appreciation I'm writing this more for myself, again, and I have no idea as I write whether many will either share my experiences and views, or be able to relate to it. I'm also completely unsure whether I'll be able to fully articulate what it is that I'm thinking as I sit here. This is one of those weird things that on one hand seems contrary to what I believe, and on the other hand, is fairly fundamentally centred within it. It's to do with learning to appreciate the present, rather than constantly questioning it, or examining it and challenging it to see if it could be an inch better. I don't know how closely it is bound to recovery; but I'm certain it lies within the core of life.
The issue's a slightly delicate one. On the one hand, obviously, we should be working toward change; and change, surely, wouldn't be necessary if we were appreciating our life as it sits. However, at the same time, I think there's a necessity to appreciate some elements of life; sometimes, even the bad ones; while at the same time, moving toward something else we want from our lives, something else we want to achieve, or something that we wish to change or amend.
The reason I'm writing about this is that I used to have a strong tendency to constantly second guess or question everything in my life. I suppose it's part of who I was for some time; a person who asked questions, expecting and seeking answers. But that has caused me damage too; when my mind would run to ask the wrong questions about some areas of my life, such as my relationship, it robbed me of the chance to truly appreciate just how wonderful it was in that moment. I would question, to see if it could be improved, to see if something different would make it better, or what being outside of the relationship might improve for me. Not a healthy pattern at all - in fact, quite closely tied into what I wrote recently about emotional disconnection - and I realised after a while that many of the problems I perceived were actually being created by the way I was thinking about things.
I had established a habit of discontent, and it often damaged my ability to appreciate the moment I was in.
What I learned through my recovery reflected onto this, but it took me some time (as it sometimes does) to really bring all the pieces together on this count. Questions, as I knew, would always produce answers; so asking questions with potentially destructive answers can sometimes be little more than a destructive habit. Instead, asking more positive questions - or when possible, not asking questions at all, and simply allowing yourself to feel and appreciate where you are - allows you to be happy, and to appreciate the positive things that you have right here, right now. It allows you to look at where you are and feel good about it.
Today, I still sometimes ask destructive questions; but by simply being aware of this habit, I have been able to stop it in its tracks, and see it coming. Where I once felt the need to question, I now feel a desire to enjoy where I am instead; that frequently changes my focus and perception, and has led to me being much happier, and much more at peace with where I am.
As with many other things, I think it's all down to striking a good balance between two extremes. There really isn't a single path through life, or a single attitude or approach that will win the war on all sides. If you just decide to sit back and accept everything as it is, you lose the chance to chase happiness; yet if you constantly question and never allow yourself to be happy, then you are just as lost. The answer, then, lies somewhere between the two extremes; learning to recognise and appreciate the good things in your life, learning to see the positive side of things that you can't change, and learning to see those things that you can (or should) change in your life, to move your life in a better direction.
Not that addicts are exactly famed for their skill with balancing acts, mind you...
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Post by witness on Jan 17, 2006 6:52:02 GMT -5
You have some interesting ideas there.
I think one key to what you are talking about is gratitude. Yes, we should always strive to do and be better people but we also need to learn to appreciate all the good around us. It is the idea of "stop and smell the roses along the way".
We all have so much to be thankful for. We are alive. Most of us have our health. There are people who love us. Etc.
One of the good things about recovery is the idea of living in the present. And that leads us to try to appreciate everything good that we already have. Many people waste their lives always complaining about what they do not have.
A friend who is a counselor said that if we have to take one step away from where we are to find happiness we have gone too far. I think what she means is that happiness is not found in a new car or a new job or in P or my marriage or anything else. It must be found within.
Hope you don't mind this long post on your thread. Have a great day!
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Post by BlackSpiral on Jan 19, 2006 1:49:44 GMT -5
Willpower versus Habit (and Instinct) I've been looking into a new approach to food recently. I already accepted that there was a necessity, as with the addiction, to establish a focus on motive with changing the habit; but so far, despite this, I've yet to find a single way of eating that has felt right for me. I say "way of eating" as opposed to diet, because - while diet basically means what you eat - it has acquired the baggage of often being seen as a temporary routine to help with weight loss, while what I've been seeking is a permanent solution.
Finally, in conjunction with what I learned from my recovery here, I think I've found it; but I won't go into that here. It's not the main reason I'm writing here; it's simply a source of my inspiration for today.
What I'm writing about is the distinct difference between willpower, and habit - and as a very specific sub-set of habit, instinct. Willpower is the ability to do what you want or choose to do, against any other instincts or habits you may have. Against that, habit is the pattern you have fallen into, the way you are; some are good, healthy habits, and others are bad, damaging ones. They require little effort, little consideration; they are followed through almost without thinking at times. Instinct, as a shoot-off of this, is almost a very specific habit; a habitual response to a set of stimuli. Just like habits, instincts can sometimes be trained and learned, or even unlearned, through the teaching of a new instinct that overrides the old one.
Sometimes, doing that is necessary - if you want to make a change for the long haul, then you essentially have two choices. One, you can simply try to ride everything on willpower; rather than trying to establish positive habits, simply resist the old, negative ones. But in the end, habit is usually stronger than willpower, and willpower always requires effort. A constant battle every single day for the rest of your life is not likely to be all that enjoyable. On the other side, you can instead choose to try and establish positive habits; new, helpful, healthy habits that erase the old ones.
Where this comes in with addiction is that habits are hard to break on their own, and in the case of addiction, there may be many habits that effectively make up the addictive response. A habitual response, where in the face of emotional stress, we run to porn. Or when faced with an element of porn, our habitual response may be to look at it closely, and so forth.
One of the keys to recovery, then, is the establishing of healthy habits to replace the old ones. We work, to change our behaviour, to resist the old habits and push new ones into their place.
There's a saying I've heard, that basically says that habit can be either a wonderful servant, or a terrible master. It's true, and many addicts here will appreciate the truth of this, I think. The habits we have with our addiction are the latter kind; they are the terrible masters, bending us to their own tune and making us march in directions we might not choose for ourselves. Against that, habits of exercise and better eating would be those we choose; in this case, habit plays to our advantage, and serves our will.
This is where willpower comes in. At the beginning of addiction, it feels as though willpower is all we have between ourselves and our failure; and that is how it is. But if we choose to think, act and behave how we would want to think and behave, then we are fighting to establish the new habit. It's why it's important to "fake it until we make it" - and the most important of this is faking how we want to be, in both thought and deed. We fight, we push, we MAKE ourselves act and think how we WANT to act and think in the future. We are building the new habits, the new instincts, for the person we wish to become. To make this happen, however, requires diligence and commitment. Habit is a product of consistent repetition.
There's no doubting that this is hard work. Breaking any old habit is hard, and establishing new ones equally so. But eventually, what happens is a transition; we go from where we have been, fighting against old habits and forcing ourselves, to a place where the new behaviour has become the habit. You end up in the place where you no longer need to fight to resist, because all of the healthy things you do have become habits and instincts that serve you.
Maybe that's one place where hope can lie with recovery. As hard as it is, provided that you can be consistent and diligent, eventually what happens is this change, where the new behaviour, the new thinking, the sobriety, the recovery, becomes the habit. It can still be gone against, of course - just as you might go against a bad habit for a day or two, without too much difficulty. So there would always be a need for diligence. But if you have positive habits on your side, then doing this is much, much easier - and diligence itself can become a habit, in time.
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