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Dec 21, 2007 12:11:07 GMT -5
Post by alyson on Dec 21, 2007 12:11:07 GMT -5
Im a bit worried about some responses to Neils thread on General. Although he has done the crime, he has not tried to deny it or anything. He has changed his opinions in some areas, and im sure he will in others. He is still here listening and he doesnt believe in God, he wants to fix this. It is not his intention to provoke moral discussions on how right or wrong P/MB is, or to get folks hackles up about it. I guess what im trying to say is,he has been exposed and that must feel extremely shameful and embarrassing, he is also delicate right now, needing reassurance that I still love him and want him. Because he is also suffering, he is a bit defensive but I know that will change with love. I know all here have the same probs, but he is still really early on and has come really far. Just, please dont lash at him but encourage him, I hope i said this all right without sounding ungrateful or like a sap. Thanks for all encouragement, Alyson
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susan
Junior Member
Posts: 96
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Dec 21, 2007 12:39:54 GMT -5
Post by susan on Dec 21, 2007 12:39:54 GMT -5
Hi alyson,
This is what you get when you post on an anonymous public message board. You get all types of feelings and opinions, many different points of view, which is good.
He (and you) simply need to filter the information that is received in his threads. Keep what is useful or helpful, dismiss the rest.
Wishing you much succcess....
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Dec 21, 2007 13:24:35 GMT -5
Post by Healing Rain on Dec 21, 2007 13:24:35 GMT -5
There are alot of differing opinions on here. Some strong, some not. But usually all carry some bit of info that is benificial to all readers in some way. But its up to the reader, poster, what have you, to actually seak the good from the message. take what you can from each post as best you can.
I just want to add that you can't expect others to act towards neil as you do... to view him with the love that you have. Please don't try to care take his recovery, as that only leads to heart ache. And I say this from someone who has sat exactly where you are.... and who actually posted a very similiar post when my H first started posting here. Except I used alot less tact, LOL... You could say I was mean and aggressive. Anyway... My point is that he must do this, and your love and support are wonderful for him along his way, but they will not teach him the things he needs to learn. Open honesty will, and that is exactly what everyone here is trying to do. Be open, honest, point out things that might not yet be seen. there is alot to learn along the way in this... alot. .... alot more than can even be summerized up into a few posts. Please don't disregard any info you might be handed here, because it is posted a little harsher than you would like. Sometimes, its the harshness that breaks through the walls they've built through the years. Sometimes, its the gentleness... and sometimes, its the balance of the two that rings the most helpful.
I too tried to write this with out sounding as if I was trying to offend you... I am not. I write this with the deapest of heatfelt feelings and hope that you and neil can walk this road together with success.
~Rain~
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Dec 21, 2007 14:09:17 GMT -5
Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 21, 2007 14:09:17 GMT -5
Dear, do yourself & your H a favor. Do not try to guard him from his recovery. It is not your job or place & will likely do you both more harm than you realize.
If he's an addict, consequences are things he's very likely been avoiding for a long time. Let him be to live the choices he's made. Even if that means he gets angry responses for things he's "said" that others disagree with.
I will treat him no better than I treat myself or my H. I will not guard my words so this is easy for him. To do that would be an act & a lie. Won't lie, dear. Even for you.
I am straight forward, a very straight forward person. Period. I will not be mean but I will not be sweet to him, either. Not my place nor my desire.
Now, if he says something & is told he's wrong, so be it. If he wants real recovery, he should try to learn from this rather than manipulate you into feeling bad for him & his choices.
Let him learn, dear.
(((hugs)))
Best wishes, sincerely, Mo
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Dec 21, 2007 14:10:00 GMT -5
Post by alyson on Dec 21, 2007 14:10:00 GMT -5
thank you , i appreciate your kindness
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Dec 21, 2007 16:01:51 GMT -5
Post by zerotolerance on Dec 21, 2007 16:01:51 GMT -5
Yeah, I agree. We know what it's like to be hypersensitive, esp to these painful truths. And not to minimize anyone's inappropriate comments, just to say that we ALL need to hear the truth, whether we like it or not. If there are people whose post you or neil find particularly triggering, then you can block seeing that persons replies. That's feature here you can activate. Then when you're reading those won't show. But triggers are both good and bad. They show us areas we need to work on, and behaviors we need to address when we respond to them with bad behaviors. Tiptoeing around bad attitudes, bad behaviors, and lies, and everybody pretending like "it's okay then", is a BIG part of the problem, And it's not helpful towards reaching the solution. Think about how many thousands of times, we/neil, has received the message, from media, from friends, from tv, from movies, from radio, from websites, from p, p, and more p, day after day, year after year. Those messages are planted in us hundreds of thousands of times over the years, we absorb these lies at our core, in our soul. They all have to go in order to get better. They are lies. They are harmful, brainwashing, sexuality stealing lies. This isn't just about neil, nor us, it's HUGE. Coddling is enabling, and we try to do that.There is a place for it, and there are people for it. Some people coddle us and some don't, and that's okay. Your his SO, you should do some of that, so long as he's not taking advantage of it, and it's reciprocal. We have to learn to get along, and to be able to handle both the good and the bad. We have to learn to deal with differening opinions without letting them make us pit dip, or act out. Users lash out at differenting opinions, while insisting we should all tolerate theirs, as if that makes sense. Esp when one hurts people and one don't. I mean, I know some of the comments might cause someone to feel hurt, or triggered in a way that hurts, but that's "though Love", not blantant abuse. Most of the people here have been where ya'll are, we know it hurts, and it's hard, and it's confusing, and it takes time. We don't know how to do it in a more loving way. That's what some of us are working on learning, like me, for ex. And some pple are deeper in believing the lies, than neil, and fueling that fire is counterproductive to ALL of us. If those opinions worked, NONE OF US would be here. It's not time for him to hang on to the past, it's time to grow up. That comes with growing pains for all of us. Some ppl are better at voicing it nicely, and some ppl still don't have a clue. You and Neil have to pick thru and find the information you can use, and the information that's "stage" appropriate for you. Most of us get through this by going through various stages, that are uniquely individual, but that also have many similarities in nature. Sometimes we're stuck until we really, really, really learn our lessons, and learn not to those things anymore. We have to learn in our hearts, our heads, and our souls, and honor it with our bodies. The integration of these parts and our ability to work in harmony, from the loving places is specifically what is damaged by habitual p use. That's why it hurts so bad when we start to come out from under the influence and gain understanding of how these lies have disrupted our ability to function properly. There are people here religious, and those who aren't, and it's all good. We each have to find our own way through the maze, taking what we can use, and discarding the rest. I didn't plan on a reliegious journey, but healing soul led me to one. Not a lot is understood, nor published, about this p plaque permeates us infecting to our core beings, our spiritual selves, per se. So remaining open to consider whatever will work for you and neil is what you both need to do. The whole idea is to get rid of ALL our blind spots. P turns off peoples hearts and souls and turning them back on in integrated back in to functioning with a well educated mind we conciously choose to use, is not an easy task whatsoever.
You're gonna hurt enough for you, and neil, and few hundred other people. They hurt to, that's why the numb themselves up with p all the time. The p's got to go, and every opinion that supports any idea that it don't has to go to too. That's the bottom line, and that's just to get a CHANCE at being able to heal to full recovery.
I'll try to either ignore, or go easy on neil. I don't venture into the other forums very much anyway. I'm soo sick of the p doo spew already, and even though I was trying to grow patience, I seem to be growing impatience. I beginning to see that there are somethings we need to stop having any patience about and start insisting they change immediately. ya know?
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Dec 21, 2007 16:07:10 GMT -5
Post by alyson on Dec 21, 2007 16:07:10 GMT -5
Im sorry. I wasnt digging at anyone.I just hate all of this. I HHHHAAATEE it and the pain keeps coming back and back and back and back. You are right.
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Dec 21, 2007 16:09:24 GMT -5
Post by alyson on Dec 21, 2007 16:09:24 GMT -5
PS please dont ignore him, thats not what I meant. Im sorry
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Dec 21, 2007 16:46:00 GMT -5
Post by Healing Rain on Dec 21, 2007 16:46:00 GMT -5
Oh hun, I know exactly what you mean. this is all so very painful. Extrememly so. These first few months are going to be hard. Just keep your head up, stay true to your self.... and come here and ask us anything you need to. We are here to help you. We've been exactly where you are, some of us not so long ago, some still there.... its a long road, but it is one very worth walking. I promise. Even in the stage I am in now, and the lenght it took to get here with my H (My walk of recovery is far longer than his because he chose to live in denial and hiding for so long even after giving up P, and we are finally just now coming close to being together on this), every single step I took was important. Keep taking your steps. And keep coming here, or the new board, and asking anything you need to ask... And remember that we really do care about you, and are trying to help in anyway we can. We don't want to cause you any more pain, we want to help the walk be a little less painful and a lot more insightful. Does that make sense?
Anyway... my heart hurts for you today. I really do know exactly where you are right now, and I know its hard. Stay strong, you will make it through this. I promise.
~Rain~
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Dec 21, 2007 18:52:10 GMT -5
Post by LookingUp on Dec 21, 2007 18:52:10 GMT -5
I've made posts about like yours the couple times that Mr. LU had me post questions about his addiction, his ED and our recoveries. I knew my husband and the "aggressive" answers from both SO and PA have kept him from participating here and have given him a distaste for this board or my participation on it. It's unfortunate, but that's life. It wasn't so much what the people said, it was that the word choices felt aggressively humiliating to him. Newly discovered PAs are rather in shock and some of them can't handle the truth - but need it spoon fed to them until they can slowly process it and come to the truth.
It's a balance to find the place between enabeling them and short-term protecting them based upon our knowledge of their probable reactions.
I know how painful this is for all of us SOs. I've gone from the protecting him to the lashing out at him to ignoring him and then back through various responses until I started my own healing - it's an emotional roller coaster
LookingUp
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Dec 21, 2007 19:15:14 GMT -5
Post by megan11 on Dec 21, 2007 19:15:14 GMT -5
Im a bit worried about some responses to Neils thread on General. Although he has done the crime, he has not tried to deny it or anything. He has changed his opinions in some areas, and im sure he will in others. He is still here listening and he doesnt believe in God, he wants to fix this. It is not his intention to provoke moral discussions on how right or wrong P/MB is, or to get folks hackles up about it. I guess what im trying to say is,he has been exposed and that must feel extremely shameful and embarrassing, he is also delicate right now, needing reassurance that I still love him and want him. Because he is also suffering, he is a bit defensive but I know that will change with love. I know all here have the same probs, but he is still really early on and has come really far. Just, please dont lash at him but encourage him, I hope i said this all right without sounding ungrateful or like a sap. Thanks for all encouragement, Alyson He may not have intended to provoke a moral discussion about how right or wrong P/MB is but he did and my hackles were up about it. You say that he is changing and that is great, i am happy for you both. He may be suffering and that may or may not be the reason why he is so defensive but others here are suffering as well and i just dont see how a Board intended to be a NO PORN SUPPORT forum is the right place to be debating if it is ok or not. (the P that is) P and MB are DISGUSTING and VILE and have landed me is a crappy situation because of my H's addiction to them both. Do you REALLY think i want to hear some men tell me how its normal and ok? Do you really think that wouldnt p-ss me off after all i have been through, and others here have been through? If it were your H or MY H saying it it wouldnt make a difference on how P-ssed off i would be so dont take it personally. Like i said before, i hope he has changed and you two continue to grow together and work through this to have a wonderful llife together. No ill will, I just didnt appreciate the words.
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