Holidays with the in-laws.

[weepingwillow]

In just a couple days,my h and I will be flying down to his mothers house for the holidays. This has been pre-planned for months now.

Two days after he told me about his pa,My h canceled my ticket...then after a lot of talk from my mother-in-law,he got it back. ( Good job,we had to pay $189 extra to get it back only 3 days later..)

I want to go down there,but I feel ODD.
My mother-in-law already knows what is going on...but for the sake of some of his family members that have come over 5,000 miles to visit,I know that I will have to put on an act part of the time. Which is fine,they don't need to be mixed up in this.

I'm just not sure how much of the details his family needs to know in order to help with his recovery. Most of it,I'd never be able to tell my mother-in-law anyways,it'd break her heart. I have however thought about talking with his step-dad...So that someone there knows the severity of his problem.

One problem for me is,My h's family is from a former communist country and a lot of times things either don't phase my mother-in-law or she thinks it's ok for men to behave badly. My h's step-dad goes to strip clubs sometimes,and as she said has a "few dirty movies and it's ok,all men look"

Not only to me is it not ok to "look",my h is beyond just "looking".
He is a full on addict. I don't know how to explain this to her,beyond what I've already tried.

I also don't really know how I'm going to handle it. The truth is I'm a wreck half of the time...and I don't want them to see me like that.
Especially when they don't know how I usually am,ya'know?

[mo4wo1]

If I may, why did he cancel your ticket?

WRT the in-laws, I have zero advice. We do not speak to H's parents anymore. They are abusive & destructive people. I absolutely believe they would use this info to harm H & us further.

My mother & the rest (what would be H's in-laws) are still close with us. But they are not aware of our struggles. I just won't go there with them.

I can offer you a shoulder, though. I would be a wreck too, I am sure.

((((hugs))))

[weepingwillow]

According to him he canceled the ticket because I said I didn't want to go and yes,I did say that,but then I said I did want to go like 15 minutes later. Then when he called to cancel the ticket I said I didn't know if I wanted to go,but that I was going to go. He canceled it anyways,but now says he didn't "hear me say I was going to go"
He probably couldn't hear that because he was to busy yelling and trying to make me say if I was going or not.

It was stupid that he had to cancel the ticket right away,in such a big hurry..Like right after my world comes crashing down on me,I should know exactly what I want.

I kept telling him I wished he hadn't canceled it. After we talked to his mom is when he got it back.

[mo4wo1]

Oh, and thank you.

Is he close with his mother? My H was too close & after having read a few things, I have come to see that she committed "emotional incest" with her sons. Nothing overly sexual but just way too involved in their lives, way too jealous of their spouses (much like a jealous& angry lover), way too dependent on them for emotional feedings rather than turning to her H.

[emptyanddestroyed]

Now, I know that my in-laws didn't make my h into a pa, but they certainly helped to put him on that path as a child and teenager. I think that they are destructive people and I'm pretty sure that my fil is some type of sa as well. I will protect my sons from them. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but there is a lot of backstory and I've done a lot of soul searching on this one.

Even if that weren't the case, I don't feel the need to see or communicate with them at all right now. I need to put me and my feelings first for a change and if my h has a problem with it he has to explain it to them himself - that whole facing reality thing. I don't know what I would do if other relatives were flying in from far away, so that's kind of tough. Good luck.

[Mayberry]

Bing bing bing! We have a () winner!

I have come to see that she committed "emotional incest" with her sons. Nothing overly sexual but just way too involved in their lives, way too jealous of their spouses (much like a jealous& angry lover), way too dependent on them for emotional feedings rather than turning to her H.

Thanks, mo...I don't feel quite so alone in the moment!

Our particular brand of emotional incest is MIL heaping depression and helplessness at each turn while inviting Mr. M to be her hero and rejecting every attempt as "not good enough." She is a fruitcake, plain and simple, and I see her damage in my husband at every turn. GRRRRRRR.

Oh, that I were not a Quaker, because I honestly think I'd KILL the woman sometimes.

[mo4wo1]

emptyanddestroyed said:

Now, I know that my in-laws didn't make my h into a pa, but they certainly helped to put him on that path as a child and teenager. I think that they are destructive people and I'm pretty sure that my fil is some type of sa as well. I will protect my sons from them. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but there is a lot of backstory and I've done a lot of soul searching on this one.

Even if that weren't the case, I don't feel the need to see or communicate with them at all right now. I need to put me and my feelings first for a change and if my h has a problem with it he has to explain it to them himself - that whole facing reality thing. I don't know what I would do if other relatives were flying in from far away, so that's kind of tough. Good luck.

I think I have said these same exact words, before. It's scary how familiar & sililar our lives are.

(((hugs)))

[mo4wo1]

mayberry said:

Bing bing bing! We have a () winner!

I have come to see that she committed "emotional incest" with her sons. Nothing overly sexual but just way too involved in their lives, way too jealous of their spouses (much like a jealous& angry lover), way too dependent on them for emotional feedings rather than turning to her H.

Thanks, mo...I don't feel quite so alone in the moment!

(((((Mayberry)))))

There's a book I have read through that covers this...

"Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest" by Kenneth M. Adams

Very interesting.

Also, Susan forward covers this in "Toxic Parents". That book opened my eyes to sooooo many things, including facts about my own parents I was hiding from.

[weepingwillow]

He is close with his mother,and I do know that at 1st...It seemed like I wasn't good enough for my h in her eyes.

Not for anything I do physically,morally,or spiritually...but because I come from a poor family. Not that his family had oodles of money,So she would say things that she thought I was "after his money" umm..no..Guys in the military really don't make that much,thanks.

Besides,Now after 3 1/2 years together,I find out that I pinch every penny(He doesn't want me to work),but he has secretly wasted about $10,000.

So I guess yes... mo4wo1 You may be right! In the beginning she did bad mouth me a lot,but after a fight they had about her saying some mean things about me,and her taking the time to get to know me more..It seems to have stopped.

(P.s. Thank you for your responses,I really appreciate all of your feedback)

[Mayberry]

Thanks, mo. I'm pretty familiar with emotional incest as it applies to *my* life, but the first book you recommend prompted a "better check it out" in me. And I shall. You're a peach. J

[NGA]

mo4wo1 said:

Is he close with his mother? My H was too close & after having read a few things, I have come to see that she committed "emotional incest" with her sons. Nothing overly sexual but just way too involved in their lives, way too jealous of their spouses (much like a jealous& angry lover), way too dependent on them for emotional feedings rather than turning to her H.

Mine is a winner, lived at his mothers side until the age of 36, having all his salary into their joined bank accounts, and her paying all his p-bills.

The first condition I said after hooking up with him, was to get an apartment away from there. He still went back to her house to buy p on line. Is that "emotional incest"?

Hugs

Inga

[cindyandben]

I am not sure which is worse - in-laws who are in denial that a problem exists, or those who think it is not even a problem. The denial and lack of support on the part of in-laws for a son (or, i suppose, a daughter) getting help and doing personal "work" on unresolved and unconfronted issues has the potential to destroy marriages and lives. My husband's depression would have continued indefinitely, obliterating his chances of a career, and possibly ending in suicide, but that was better than admitting that he had a problem and helping me get him to some professional counselling, at least according to the behavior of his mother. An unexamined life, if there ever was one.

One thought re: the former residents of a communist country; they cam here to escape the tactics of the communists, in all likelihood; well, one tactic was to foster the breakdown of traditional (orthodox christian) morality and behavioral norms. Tacit encouragement of pre-marital relations, separation of children from parents for indoctrination, mixed gender camps... these are a few of the things I have heard of. Perhaps the reports were US propoganda, but there must have been a germ of truth there. The deliberate, government-sponsored relaxation of standards regarding sexual activity and by extension pornography were a calculated element in an effort to transfer people's moral adherence from the millenium-old dictates of the church (or synagogue) to the STATE government. That might put things in perspective somewhere along the way. My thoughts are with you.