SO Reactions to D day

[completelydone]

www.pureintimacy.org/gr/intimacy/information/a0000175.cfm

This site will help you realize how normal your feelings and/or reactions are to this.

The purpose of this article is to provide specific suggestions and guidelines, and to offer hope and help to get through this day and the days to come. You may wonder how anyone could offer hope at a time like this. You may also wonder why you should consider my suggestions. Let me reveal a little about myself.

[megan11]

Thank you for all of your links tonight. I have to admit that i sat and cried through this site.

[truthorlie]

"Shame"

Thank you for posting the above link to "focus on the family"...

I think that this may end up being a big step in the right direction for me. It never occurred to me what my "problem" was/is. I have spent sooooo many years tyring (and failing) to be perfect in all areas of my life (even in the smallest, non-essential areas) for my parents, my sister (who is now passed), and my exH. It never occurred to me to feel ashamed, why would I? I've been such a good girl, woman, etc. Meaning, I don't do anything with intentional malice towards anybody. I try soooo hard at doing the right thing, doing the moral thing, being the best that I possibly can be at everything I do, learning to do anything that enters my life, etc. But of of these behaviors of mine, I believe, could be a reaction to the shame I felt as a small child, then teen, etc. My family was emotionally abusive (of which never occurred to me until the last several years.) I was the baby in the family. But instead of caring for the precious "baby" of the family, I was regularly used as a person to abuse by soooo many dysfunctional family members. They ALL have problems (inlcuding myself, I will admit.) I was regularly put-down, verbally abused/harassased, and teased. I was also told not to have negative feelings about ANYTHING - no sadness etc. I was repeatedly told "not to feel sorry for myself" if I would cry or be sad as a child, for whatever reason. But reading the information on the link regarding shame, it has occurred to me that it may have been my reaction to not being able to deal with the abuse. I may have carried that into adulthood. And that is why I have always felt "defective" and "not included", etc. I think it also may be why I was so emotionally hurt by my exH's behaviors and his actions towards me. I have read articles on "overly sensitive" people, etc. But I have never read about shame - how and why it develops, how it affects you, etc. I think I will do a little more research and reading on this. Perhaps it will turn out to be more than beneficial to my healing and moving forward and feeling so much better about myself. Perhaps it will help me be not so dependent on me valuing myself based on what others feel/think about me (because that has made me feel like an out-of-control ping pong ball most of my life, to depend on my sense of worth/value based on other's opinions.)

Thanks so much for including that link. I think it is so important, and appreciate so much, all of the advice and added information that people include in their postings. This one in particular is providing some hope for all of the "why" questions that may now find some answers.

Thank you.

[LookingUp]

Great article, thanks for posting.

TorL, did we have the same family of origin?

[completelydone]

I'm so glad it's helped you all.

CD

[truthorlie]

LU,

I don't know about that - but what I do know is that I have unneccessarily been carrying around alot of underserving shameful feelings all of my life. And I don't know whether to pissed off about that, glad that I am recognizing it, scared that I will not be able to correct and adjust and overcome it or just really sad about it.

You know the holidays are a very difficult time for many people that are going through emotional hardships. Loss of, spouse, child, sense of family, etc. And it is a particularly difficult time for me - listening to the xmas music, seeing the xmas trees through the front windows of the houses I drive by in the evenings. Couples walking hand in hand with something special in their eyes for eachother. Families out shopping and children in awe at the experience. The anticipation of family get togethers, warm rooms, hot meals, good conversation, and the sharing of good will and love with eachother. I have had little glimpses of these types of experiences in my life, but mostly not. Mostly its just been me witnessing this among other families - you know, the typical "Hallmark channel" stuff. Thinking that I never really deserved to experience this in MY life. Looking back, I should have demanded within myself to go after what I wanted, and because my wants included my exH and my son, I should have demanded and fought harder for that. Standing up for my rights without feeling weak or ashamed that I wanted those things. Not feeling like there was something wrong with me or that I was too deficient in some areas that I wasn't worth it, like I didn't deserve that kind of life - no matter how corny the life I wanted seemed to be.

I don't think I will ever feel deficient to the point that I don't deserve to get what I want when it is within reach, is considerate of myself and others, etc. I don't particularly like the thought of how hard starting and developing a new life is going to be. But at this point in my life, and because of my exH's choices, that is my only choice now. And that seems bleak, not exciting at all. Freedom... how we have as individuals and as a society coveted this and fought for this... and it SUCKS! Give me a ball and chain ANYDAY - and I would be grateful!

[completelydone]

(((((truthorlie)))))))))

That sounds like my husband, actually. Although any expression of "negative" feelings in my home was not welcomed, my family was close and loving (for the most part). My mother, "the sow", has always favored my brother who could do no wrong, and resented me who can do no right in her eyes. But, I do know she loves me on some level. Me and my Dad are close. My brother and I share probably a closer than usual bond than brothers and sisters (although I don't really know that for sure). I just know that if my bro doesn't feel like he can talk to my parents (not even my Dad), he'll call me at 3 a.m. He's told me things he's never shared with anyone else before.

My husband grew up in a family that was abusive, neglectful, sexually abusive, manipultive........... without giving details, it's hard to explain, but they weren't a family by any stretch of the word. As a result, my husband was drawn to me and my family, while at the same time feeling very resentful and jealous that he never had what we do.

So, I'm sorry you have had such a crappy life, no role model of love. But, let me assure you that it had nothing to do with anything being wrong with you. DON'T ALLOW OTHERS OPINIONS OF YOU FORM YOUR OWN OPINIONS OF YOU. DON'T GIVE OTHER PEOPLE THE POWER TO DEFINE YOU! That is a lesson my husband has had to learn as well.

YOU HAVE VALUE, TRUTHORLIE! Find that value in yourself and then find someone else who will celebrate you too.

Take care,
CD

[completelydone]

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