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Post by witness on Sept 2, 2007 5:27:41 GMT -5
As usual you ladies have much wisdom to share. I don't feel like I have a defeatest attitude. I do see now what I should have seen all along, i.e. how deeply this hurts the one I love the most.
And I know this takes time and cannot be rushed. I don't think I'm trying to do that.
And I understand that the MOST important thing I can do is remain clean and move forward personal so as not to inflict additional pain and thereby destroy anything that might be.
I pray that over time my actions can help restore the trust that I have broken.
And thankfully, inspite of my great failings, my faith in God has never waivered. I know HE is faithful and believe that HE can do the impossible. He just gives us freedom to do it His way or to do it our way. His way works and is always the best. My way leads to one big giant mess.
Lord, give us peace, courage, fortitude, perseverance and a super-sized serving of love!
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Post by zerotolerance on Sept 2, 2007 10:42:24 GMT -5
I know it is hard to face our shame the consequences of our behaivors. But I think it is a neccessary part of healing. We have to go back thru the doo per se. It's hard to imagine how you/others don't know that these things/p-ng will hurt your spouses. It's such blantant cheating that it blows my mind to remember how I didn't always think so. So I kind of know how ya'll might not think so, all the false socializations etc, but then again it is still hard to imagine. Weird huh?
I hate to say this, but the pain you are feeling now is only the outskirts of real awareness. It will get worse as you begin to understand more and more of the elements. Denial is a hard thing to get out of, and it easy to fall back into in the face of our pain and shame. You must avoid doing that at all costs. You have to learn to surf the waves, up and down, round and round, and eventually we settle down, and forgive oursevles for what we didn't know. You aren't the same person that you were before so long as you don't return to the same behavior. Keep telling yourself that and stay clean.
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Post by Benderson on Sept 2, 2007 11:59:16 GMT -5
Witness, I don't think we're saying that you're trying to rush her or acting the victim. We just want to make sure that you're aware those behaviors can happen so you can avoid them. It's easy to get frustrated and say "just get over it"; and some here have even heard that themselves.
(((witness and devastated)))
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Post by witness on Sept 2, 2007 14:09:34 GMT -5
I appreciate the insights. Help is always appreciated. I'm just a dumb guy. Being here proves that!
I see rays of hope, moments when she can accept me. But then there are waves of (not sure what word to use here). She said she needs time to process it all. And I know that is the case. She has ever right. I'm the one who caused all of this.
It is not easy for me. But my pain is probably only 1% of what she is feeling.
It is going to be a long road. Thankful I see reason to hope!
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Post by Sunshine on Sept 2, 2007 15:00:32 GMT -5
Witness- My DH and I have been married for over 40 years, when I found out that my DH had been using porn since he was 13 years old. Like your wife, I had believed that our marriage was nearly perfect- and like your wife, I was devistated when I found out. I am wondering if there is someplace where she could go for a few days or weeks so that she could work through things without you watching every breath she takes. My DH had to go out of town for work the day after I found out, and I believe that that let us both work through our own issues independently. He was gone 7 weeks- the first 4 weeks I cried and yelled at him on the phone, during every conversation, but gradually, the hurt lessened and we have been able to begin to work on healing our relationship. I think the separation that we had was healing. I think that you need to focus on your healing, and I think she needs to focus on hers before you work on yours together. This is only my humble opinion-
Sunshine
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Post by LookingUp on Sept 2, 2007 16:34:06 GMT -5
It is going to be a long road. Thankful I see reason to hope! I'm glad you have hope. I'm glad she has some seasons of calm in the midst of the storm - that probably brings peace to her, too. The "rule of thumb" here is for every year our husband was betraying us, it takes one year for us to heal (if he's working to re-earn trust, stay sober and re-learn empathy). Hopefully God will do a quick work in both of your hearts and it won't take that long. LookingUp
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Post by witness on Sept 3, 2007 6:33:38 GMT -5
I know that she needs time and her own space. I think she also needs reassurance that I care for her and want to rebuild what has been broken, even though much of the time she still can't believe that.
What a dark world I have drug her into! Finding our way out is going to take time.
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Post by witness on Sept 3, 2007 7:32:56 GMT -5
By the way, I forgot to ask, what is a "DH"? Obviously not a designated hitter. Perhaps a deadbeat husband?
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Post by completelydone on Sept 3, 2007 11:08:31 GMT -5
It means: dear husband
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Post by witness on Sept 3, 2007 13:55:58 GMT -5
That is really nice of you ladies to call us "dear" after what we've done. I guess that's why there is still hope.
I have been reading what you have written to my wife, "devastated". She said it is okay. I won't post on that thread so I'll say something about what one of you said here.
Yes, she holds all the cards. I was wrong. She sets the rules now. I'm in good hands!
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Post by zerotolerance on Sept 3, 2007 14:07:42 GMT -5
I think the problem with the years of his p-ng -vs the years of her healing in his case would be daunting since it is like 30 years, right? That's a scary thought. For me, even though I was abused in this way for 15 years before I started seeking to heal, it took me about 2-3 years to get a good handle on it. However that handle did not include trying to save my marriage but rather to let it go. But then again, my h isn't even trying to recover, nor has he ever acknowledge it being a problem despite the fact that it is a HUGE problem. He never told me he p'd or whatever.
The biggest obstacle is the overwhelming pain. We just can't process all of it at once because it is too overwhelming, so we have to take little bites out of it. We have to rage at lot. We have to cry a lot. And we have to come to understand most or all of the factors involved which take some time to learn. And a lot depends on how hard we work at it. I had to make it the number one priority in my life to obtain the 2-3 years results. When it's forced on us, we don't really have a choice, it's do or die a soul wretching living death. It causes a disconnect of our souls. I felt like I shattered. Then I had to put all the peices of my life's puzzle back together. We have to throw out a lot of false peices and collect, new and better peices along the way to put back in.
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Post by completelydone on Sept 3, 2007 18:03:27 GMT -5
witness said:
That made me giggle. We don't hate our husbands, we hate how they've wronged and hurt us and our relationships with them. We all come here out of hope to save the relationship; whether for love or not. Many women stay because of their love and hope. But eventually, if the DH doesn't quit mistreating us, we leave.
I think your wife has done right in giving you an ultimatum. I think you are doing right in telling her the truth and trying to get to the core of your addiction so you can heal. Her ultimatum should hold you in place while you heal, and your faithfulness should hold her in place while she heals. Or at least I hope that it will work that way for both of you. It can.
Take care, CD
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Post by witness on Sept 3, 2007 20:02:00 GMT -5
Yes, zt, there is lots of pain. I knew she would be upset, but I was so blind I did not imagine pain to this degree. What an idot I have been!
And, cd, I like what you said: "Her ultimatum should hold you in place while you heal, and your faithfulness should hold her in place while she heals."
If we can both "stay in place" and "be healed" that will be fantastic!
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Post by witness on Sept 4, 2007 5:37:08 GMT -5
The sun is shining and the skies are blue! (At least right now.)
Yesterday was my BD and inspite of my unworthiness she baked me a cake, fixed a delicious lunch and took me out for supper. Didn't I tell you I'm in good hands!
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Post by LookingUp on Sept 4, 2007 6:43:37 GMT -5
Congratulations! And Happy Belated Birthday.
Sounds like it's a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for both of you right now. Glad you both had a positive day for your birthday. It sounds like she's really willing and trying to maintain the marriage. That's the BEST gift you could receive.
Your birthday is between my youngest son and my birthdays:
Sept 2 - Me Sept 4 - Youngest Son Sept 5 - Wedding anniversary with DH Sept 7 - Oldest Son
My pregnancy took things literally, I started labor at 5PM on Labor Day with each of my bio-children.
God bless,
LookingUp
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