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Post by witness on Aug 30, 2007 5:47:55 GMT -5
It is hard to know where to begin. I am familiar with the Kublar-Ross grief cycle. I think she has hit the anger stage. Looking ahead it does not appear to get much better as depression comes before acceptance.
Neither one of us can sleep very well at night. But it is harder for her. It is all so new. And so terrible.
She told me the other day that if she did not care for me this would not hurt so much.
Yes, I'm glad to be headed up the hill instead of sliding downhill. And of course I can NOT repeat my acting out.
We never talked about divorce. We never believed in divorce. But she told me that if I go back to it that she will leave me. And I told her that she would be justified in doing so. Look what I've done!
She hurts so deeply, down in the depths of her soul. The pain just won’t go away.
How could I have done something so unthinkable, to inflict such pain upon the love of my life, to whom I promised to be faithful and true?
Who was I? Who am I? Uncaring, unfeeling, blind, stupid, ignorant, malicious, selfish, perverted, possessed, afraid, proud, alone, self-deluded, lost, . . . .
I’m so very sorry. Words don't mean much now. Now that she knows I deceived her so many times in the past, she questions everything I ever said or that I say now. And who can blame her? I dug us a very deep hole. Getting out is not going to be easy.
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Post by Benderson on Aug 30, 2007 7:21:53 GMT -5
My husband says he understands that he hurt me; but it's just words. He really doesn't get it yet. He just doesn't. Sorry. Really bad day. This wasn't commentary on you, Witness.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 30, 2007 11:14:29 GMT -5
witness,
I'm glad you realize that she is hurting. Please remember you can't fix her - only God can. I imagine it is sorta like holding her hand when she birthed your children. You "caused" her to be in that pain - but she was the one who had to do the work of laboring and delivery. Only this lasts longer then a few hours and the outcome isn't a healthy bouncing baby, but a potential healthy marriage based on truth...
Since there is nothing you can do except support and validate her pain -- what is YOUR plan to stay sober, keep growing in recovery, learn to have empathy in all areas, learn to be totally transparent in your communication, to make amends, and to earn her trust again?
You don't need to answer publicly - but don't forget that you're still at a crucial stage of sobriety and recovery, too. My concern is I've seen PAs get stuck in the "look what I did to the woman I love - I can't undo it" and run back to the comfort of their addiction when the pain overwhelms them. I don't want that to happen to you or Mrs. Witness. So please don't forget to keep working on your recovery and nurturing a more intimate relationship with God.
LookingUp
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Post by witness on Aug 30, 2007 12:15:50 GMT -5
LU, thanks for the warning.
I am starting the course over at Recovery Nation. Spent some time on that yesterday.
I'm doing much better than I was when I came to the board in 2005. I believe that knowing 1. How much this hurts my wife. 2. That I would have to tell her if I did it again. 3. She will probably leave me if I do. Are all GREAT motivators to stay very far away from danger.
And that is the main new thing I have added or renewed in my plan. To avoid every hint of temptation. My slips have come when I listen or see just a little something about somebody and then take a step closer to take a closer look. After that I am already on the way down.
I have bought two new books. I'll try to get to work on those once they arrive.
And I will continue praying and reading my Bible.
Obviously if you, LU, or anybody else has other suggestions I am all ears. This has to stick! I already wanted it badly. Now it is about all I can think about. Of course that will change as time goes by.
Thanks again for the help!
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Post by glofishy on Aug 30, 2007 12:44:27 GMT -5
Witness, you wrote that you never believed in divorce. If I understand correctly, you are Christians right? You believe adultery is a biblically sound reason for divorce because the bible says so. The bible also says that looking at women in lust is committing adultery in your heart. It wasn't referring to just a glance, it was referring to the habit of lusting as what happens in porn addiction. You can help her heal by acknowledging that she has the God given right to divorce you and remarry if she wishes and still be in harmony with what the scriptures requires. And also tell her that you are grateful that despite knowing that, that she is willing to stick around and see what happens. She didn't have to. She could have just left you over it and remarry another man, and you would have been left to a single life because if you remarried, it would also be adultery. Show her your gratitude
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Post by witness on Aug 30, 2007 18:31:27 GMT -5
glofishy, I have told her more than once and I'll tell her again: "Thank you very much for giving me another chance!"
She is now and always has been much more than I deserve. I am now and will always be grateful to God for putting her in my life.
As a believer in Jesus I am very ashamed of my wrong behavior and repent and ask for forgiveness.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 30, 2007 18:49:47 GMT -5
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Post by witness on Aug 31, 2007 5:17:24 GMT -5
LU, I looked at the worldinvisible site. They have several good books. Thanks!
I think we both slept a little better last night. We have been sleeping in separate rooms. I think the further away she is from me the more likely she is to get some sleep.
I said I would be patient and understanding. Last night I began to feel sorry for myself. (I KNOW I WAS WRONG SO DON'T JUMP ON ME.) Of course I'm the one who hurt her. I can't expect her to get over it in just a few days time. I wish this were not this way. It has wedged us apart. But of course I'm the one who created this monster.
I need to stay focused on my recovery. Someone asked me yesterday to try to get to the root of this and find out "WHY?". I certainly need to get to the bottom of this and find real answers to use to build a real life with whatever time I have left in this world.
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Post by Benderson on Aug 31, 2007 11:46:32 GMT -5
I need to stay focused on my recovery. Someone asked me yesterday to try to get to the root of this and find out "WHY?". I certainly need to get to the bottom of this and find real answers to use to build a real life with whatever time I have left in this world. When my husband was in counseling for this (focking BRIEFLY ), his counselor had him sit down and write out his history. He was to write down events as far back as childhood that 'mapped' his attitudes towards sex; and his feelings at the time they happened. One event that sticks with him was a time when he was small and sitting on the front porch with a little neighbor girl, talking. His mother came out, saw them; and teased, "Jimmy's got a girl-l-l-lfriend!" (Not his real name, of course.) Just from that little teasing sing-song, he felt big shame about having a relationship with a girl; even as just a friend. It's just surprising to me what combination of experiences in our lives lead to addiction.
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Post by witness on Sept 1, 2007 6:35:41 GMT -5
My actions have caused her to feel so undesirable. I've shattered her self-image and self-worth.
Now it seems there is no undoing the damage I've done.
Lord, please fix what I broke.
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Post by glofishy on Sept 1, 2007 14:44:57 GMT -5
*shakes Witness* Hey!!!! She JUST found out about your visual adultery man! Please don't already get in the mindset that nothing will ever heal! That just reeks of "poor me" syndrome! Give the lady a break and just do what you can to treat her like the princess she really is. She's had an awful lot to absorb and she is entitled to feel and act however she's going to....short of splitting your head open. Even if she rebuffs you, offer to give her a really good massage. Not one of those lazy ones but a really good one, focusing on her. You know what treats she likes, she's your other half. Indulge her. Get her some decadent chocolates and while she eats them, tell her how beautiful she is. You can think of stuff I'm sure! The one trait that porn addicts have is a pretty vivid imagination. Use it in her favor for a change. *hugs both of you*
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Post by Disillusioned on Sept 1, 2007 15:08:55 GMT -5
OT: Glofishy you commented >>The one trait that porn addicts have is a pretty vivid imagination<<
and I wanted to disagree. I think my husband does not have a vivid imagination. I think sitting and watching porn is about the most unimaginative thing you can do. In fact I think it warped and hindered his imagination in many areas (not just sexually) in his life.
Back to the subject at hand, I do agree with everyone saying to give her some time. This wound is fresh and open. I really feel for both you witness and your wife right now, you've been in my thoughts and prayers all week.
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Post by witness on Sept 1, 2007 16:02:22 GMT -5
Ok, I'm not in the "poor me" syndrome. It is the "poor her" look what I did to her syndrome.
Yes, some of the key words now are PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, SUPPORT, PRAYER, TIME, etc.
I know it is all recent. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. I've never seen anything hurt her like this has. I feel like the world's worst criminal.
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Post by Benderson on Sept 1, 2007 22:21:13 GMT -5
Well, you're not the world's WORST criminal; but there's no denying that you're a large source of her pain right now. She's only known for a week; and it's going to be a long road. I think you have the strength to walk it beside her.
Claiming responsibility for that pain and doing your part to heal your relationship = GREAT Self-flagellation and defeatist thinking = NOT GREAT
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Post by dazednconfused on Sept 1, 2007 23:40:27 GMT -5
Witness- as I told your wife, when my husband told me, the first three weeks were really hell. This is a difficult task for you both. You told her, you CAN"T fix it (and it is not your job) and since addiction is about running from pain, you want her to get past this (not necessarially to aleiviate your feelings of guilt, but because you don't want her to suffer.) If you want your marriage to have a future, she needs to work THROUGH this. You need to work your recovery and stay focused on building a better you, so you are able to support her recovery and work on the recovery of your marriage.
You said "It has wedged us apart" You both have a choice... you can have this wedge there, or you can work to build the marriage you both deserve. Remember that God can make a beautiful garden out of a heap of dung- heck, he used spit to give a blind man sight and when the apostles asked why the man was blind in the first place, He said so God's glory could be shown through him. There is always the possibility of God' glory being shown to her and you through this-- it is work to be open to it and then see it, but it is always possible.
Take responsibility or your actions, but remember that it is not your job to fix her pain. It is your job to work recovery, work to restore trust in your marriage, and not add to her pain, but "fixing" this mess is God's job.
peace- dazed
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