Post by completelydone on Jul 9, 2007 10:25:50 GMT -5
I believe this was originally posted by Benderson but not sure. Anyway, this was one of the first things I read that helped me realize that I had every right to demand that my husband never crap in my shoe again. I knew that but there were women on another board (not MAPA) that kept telling me the best thing I should do is get up every day, wipe the crap out of my shoe and go about my day; that I should not snoop and it was none of my business what my husband was doing. I never bought into it, but this little story helped seal my belief in cement. Hopefully it will help some of you.
Crap in Your Shoe:
How about if one day someone takes a crap in your shoe and then tells you it is not a crap, and that they didn't do it anyway. Then suddenly within the conversation they say it's actually not a crap at all, it's a toad. Then, let's say, the person tells you that not only is what you know to be crap, a toad, but that you really should wear the shoe around and get crap on your foot and wear it around all day and not complain about it because if you do then they will not be able to stop putting a toad in your shoe. And god forbid you try to say it is crap, not a toad, and then this person tells you that you are not "wise" to be questioning whether it is crap or a toad, and that if you won't walk around in crap and admit that it's not crap but a toad, that you are contributing to the ill health of "the relationship."
Then a few days later the crapper comes to you and apologizes and admits that they crapped in your shoe and they are very very sorry and will never do it again.
Then let's say that about a week later you find that it's not just one pair of shoes, but all of your shoes. THEY ARE ALL FILLED WITH CRAP. And then when you confront the crapper they say, "Hey, wait a minute, it would be much more 'healthy' for you to wear your shoes, call the crap a toad, and I will work on this and you just mind your own business and when I can stop crapping in your shoe I will do it on my own terms. In the meantime, you just pretend it's not happening and your shoes smell fine, ok?"
And to top it all off a therapist tells you that the most healthy thing you can do for yourself is get up every morning, wipe the crap out of your shoe, and go about your day.
Many SOs come to this board asking essentially if it is ok to want to check their shoe for crap. I don't understand this guilt at all.
People in committed relationships are entitled to know whatever truths are happening in their homes that they can find. Truth is what is important. Truth is wise, truth is healthy, truth forms the basic foundation for all good things. So if someone feels compelled to know the truth, even if they wish they did not have to go looking for it, they are entitled to do so to make wise good decisions for themselves and about who they want to spend their days with.
Snooping is a label with negative connotations that implies doing something wrong. Looking for the truth of your situation is more accurate and what I was talking about in my original post.
Would you enter into a business partnership with someone who expected you to accept their deceit? Would you encourage your daughter to marry a man who crapped in her shoes? Would you tell your child that the crap you took in their shoe was really a toad and they should just wear the shoe anyway?
I applaud those SAs who are willing to be upfront with their SOs and have a truthful policy. I grew up in a home where it was accepted that there is nothing you can do that is so bad as lying about whatever it is.
The truth will set you free.
Crap in Your Shoe:
How about if one day someone takes a crap in your shoe and then tells you it is not a crap, and that they didn't do it anyway. Then suddenly within the conversation they say it's actually not a crap at all, it's a toad. Then, let's say, the person tells you that not only is what you know to be crap, a toad, but that you really should wear the shoe around and get crap on your foot and wear it around all day and not complain about it because if you do then they will not be able to stop putting a toad in your shoe. And god forbid you try to say it is crap, not a toad, and then this person tells you that you are not "wise" to be questioning whether it is crap or a toad, and that if you won't walk around in crap and admit that it's not crap but a toad, that you are contributing to the ill health of "the relationship."
Then a few days later the crapper comes to you and apologizes and admits that they crapped in your shoe and they are very very sorry and will never do it again.
Then let's say that about a week later you find that it's not just one pair of shoes, but all of your shoes. THEY ARE ALL FILLED WITH CRAP. And then when you confront the crapper they say, "Hey, wait a minute, it would be much more 'healthy' for you to wear your shoes, call the crap a toad, and I will work on this and you just mind your own business and when I can stop crapping in your shoe I will do it on my own terms. In the meantime, you just pretend it's not happening and your shoes smell fine, ok?"
And to top it all off a therapist tells you that the most healthy thing you can do for yourself is get up every morning, wipe the crap out of your shoe, and go about your day.
Many SOs come to this board asking essentially if it is ok to want to check their shoe for crap. I don't understand this guilt at all.
People in committed relationships are entitled to know whatever truths are happening in their homes that they can find. Truth is what is important. Truth is wise, truth is healthy, truth forms the basic foundation for all good things. So if someone feels compelled to know the truth, even if they wish they did not have to go looking for it, they are entitled to do so to make wise good decisions for themselves and about who they want to spend their days with.
Snooping is a label with negative connotations that implies doing something wrong. Looking for the truth of your situation is more accurate and what I was talking about in my original post.
Would you enter into a business partnership with someone who expected you to accept their deceit? Would you encourage your daughter to marry a man who crapped in her shoes? Would you tell your child that the crap you took in their shoe was really a toad and they should just wear the shoe anyway?
I applaud those SAs who are willing to be upfront with their SOs and have a truthful policy. I grew up in a home where it was accepted that there is nothing you can do that is so bad as lying about whatever it is.
The truth will set you free.