More confessions

[P]

This is in response to the thread on the open board regarding the morality or lack of and porn.

I had originally posted to it and then later deleted. I have been a bit of an emotional slip today. Luckily it didn't last long and the spiral stopped before I said or did anything I would regret later in regards to my spouse.

I wanted to join Beks and K in confession. I too did the same. My husband never chatted that I know of. He only liked to watch so to speak. I always take things further. I addict to everything and actually could feel the pull towards this. The worst was when I found out my spouse was visiting a cam chat site. He liked being a voyuer and this was just to much like "real life" the pics were one thing but actually cam sneak peeks were more than I could tolerate. It is actually what was the straw. Anyway, I looked for a chat site too. I found one and someone. I wouldn't chat sexually with him and he fed on that. He said he did with other people but wouldn't do that to me because he "respected" me. HA HA HA now I laugh. I got sucked in because of the hurt in my marriage. I only chatted with him for about three days and when I started to get sucked in, I had a moment of clarity. I logged off and never went back. Thank you God. I understand the pull. But I also understand addiction being a recovering alcoholic, smoker, struggling with eating and purging and I know that it can be stopped. It can be stopped without slips if ones chooses that path.

Anyway I just wanted to join the confessions.

Serenity
P

[k2]

Hi "P",

We are all in this together. I think that for us as women & co-deps of SAs, there is often more of a draw to the interactive relationships than to the merely visual porn. At a time when we are feeling that our spouses are very distant emotionally (no longer meeting our needs to feel desired, cared for, supported and loved), it becomes so easy to fall for the guy who is willing to tell us what we want to hear, who flatters us endlessly. But in the end we realize that those cyber relationships are very shallow, based on a false intimacy and pure fantasy.

I'm glad, "P", that you also were able to get out before the affair went too far. Be strong today, and don't let your emotions drag you down.

Take care and God bless,

K

[P]

I was drawn to the visual. I also did the sex chat thing twice. I feel badly. But it also for a fleeting moment gave me a sense of how my husband felt. Also I was able to remove myself from the equation. It meant nothing to me so I assumed it meant nothing to him. That made sense to me for about a minute.

If only the slate could truly be cleaned.

Serenity
P

[Corazon]

I did the same thing. I wonder if it is a co-dependant behavior to try to empathize with a SA partner?

I found myself searching out the same kind of porn he was into. I could feel myself being sucked into that world and it was scary and exhilerating at the same time. I also found myself having "inappropriate" chats with men online and I let them go farther than was comfortable. I immediately told my husband what I had been doing, but found it was actually difficult to let go of the "relationship" I had started. I think that's what scared me the most.

I did all this at my lowest point... when I felt that recovery would be impossible for my husband and that porn was destined to be a part of my life for eternity. That fog has thankfully cleared from my head and I hope I never get back into that "stinkin' thinkin'"

One thing I noticed, though, about my porn experience was how I started to objectify women in real life. I had only "dabbled" into it and yet every woman I saw I found myself measuring her up to images I had been looking at. I was disgusted by that. I can't imagine what it was like for my husband who had been deep into porn for several years. Thankfully for me, those thoughts and objectifications seemed to go away on their own.

I'm glad to know that I wasn't alone in my "dabbling"

You guys are the best!

Corazon

[catarinita]

TEXTHi,

I just registered but I am not really new, I used to [glow=red,2,300]TEXT[/glow]belong to this group when there were few people around, but read more than post.

I TEXT
Reading this post makes me feel I wish I could feel like doing something with someone. I've felt so disgusted & dead for so long. I don't want no man to ever look or touch me. I feel completely destroyed. I feel so rejected by my husband & it felt worse when I was with him. I find myself isolating a lot from people & spending time on my own reading or surfing the web (no porn or stuff like that). I feel so down & depressed that I don't know when I will feel any better (it has been an month now). I am supposed to join a 12 step group but don't even have the energy to look for the group. I know I am very depressed but I also know I won't take anything because I am so against drugs. So, anyway, I think at least if you guys felt one time ignored by your SA's, at least, for a few days or moments you got some satisfaction or "happiness" from someone...even when it wasn't real, you know what I mean. When I feel so lacking of any warm emotions, this sounds good.

Thanks for reading,

catarinita

[k2]

Dear Catarinita,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down... but please don't isolate yourself right now, nor go looking for a shallow relationship as a means of coping. I can tell you that my brief cyber affair was not the answer, and far from satisfying my needs. On the contrary, it was a learning experience (albeit a negative one) that provided me with insight into how the SA mind operates. Now that I am in a good place again emotionally, and not thinking in a fog, I see so clearly how that other man was simply manipulating me and lying in order to lure me in and use me to get what he wanted.

Any ways, I think it is important to your recovery to not isolate, but instead to force yourself to get out among other people, communicate and socialize. And in addition to 12 step meetings, I think you might find participating in the online PRIDE Partner's Workshop to be very helpful. Jon Marsh has a wonderful free program set up over at www.understandingsexualaddiction.org/ IMHO, it is the best program out there for co-deps who have been effected by sexual addiction.

Take care and God bless,

K