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I tried
Feb 24, 2003 14:27:18 GMT -5
Post by teresa on Feb 24, 2003 14:27:18 GMT -5
Well, good news and bad news I suppose. Brian is in the middle of his first slip since he admitted his porn addiction last November. He now believes again that he doesn't have a problem because he got a new job and he's once again in an environment where 'all the guys do it'. He understands that he's not going to spend the rest of his life with 'the guys' and that there's a difference between what 'the guys do' and what brian does, but he still insists he doesn't have a problem and refuses therapy. so last night, i changed the password on the computer so he couldn't log on while i'm not home. he wrote me a note that says he's not mad at me, but he will be getting his own computer and that i have no say in the matter and not to bother. we cannot afford a new computer, and his brashness hurts me. i want to help him. he knows, deep down, that he has a problem but he's too damn proud to ask for help. well i'm not. help me. it hurts too much anymore. i love him.
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I tried
Feb 24, 2003 15:06:50 GMT -5
Post by k2 on Feb 24, 2003 15:06:50 GMT -5
Teresa,
My heart and prayers go out to you.
This is one of the hardest parts of being an SO of an SA... coming to the realization that no matter how much you love your spouse, you can't make him change his behavior. Only he can decide when he is ready to face his addiction and begin down the road to recovery. The only person you can change is yourself, so you need to take care of you for now.
If he is going out and buying a second personal computer (something you say is not really affordable within your family's budget right now) just so that he can continue to access internet porn... then that action speaks volumes about just how deep his addiction really runs. I am sorry, Teresa, that he is treating you this way. It is terrible how this addiction skews the SA's thinking, and leads them to do such hurtful things.
I don't know your religious background, but if you are Christian, the best thing you can do to help Brian right now may be to simply pray for him. Submit him to God. There is little else you can do to support his recovery until he is willing to allow you to. So take care of yourself, and work on your own recovery for now. If that includes setting certain boundaries, then share those with your husband in a non threatening, heart ot heart discussion, and also let him know very clearly what the consequences will be if he violates those boundaries.
Take care and God bless,
K
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I tried
Feb 25, 2003 20:47:03 GMT -5
Post by teresa on Feb 25, 2003 20:47:03 GMT -5
Brian and I had another conversation last night. Once, again, there was no yelling or screaming. Brian tried numerous times to flip it over into an argument or into a conversation about something else. I tried and kept my cool and stayed focused on the issue at hand. He decided that it would not be in anyone's best interest to buy a second computer. I think he realizes that would mean he's in serious trouble and isn't ready to continue on that downward spiral. I left him a note this morning when i left for work, a nice note. and He replied that he wanted to spend time with me this afternoon and it was nice. He refuses therapy still- even when i posed it to him as an opportunity to prove me wrong. I feel better, for now. Until the next time. . .
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