Post by realthing on Dec 21, 2007 22:48:52 GMT -5
porn + marriage + divorce - i think that's the search criteria that brought me here. that is after sifting through self-declared agony aunt's pages mainly summarizing porn as ok, and advising that we should be acceptant of our partners p use as long as they weren't trying to force you into any sexual activity u didn't like - their advice is crap. here i heard women speak of infidelity, self esteem, hurt, anger, confusion, betrayal and overwhelmingly of not being enough - all verbalising everything i felt about my situation.
the pa's tried to give explanation to what first felt like a neverending barage of why (i think i'll go mad if i find myself asking my h this again). "there is a relationship between sex and porn but it's not what you think it is" - that has stuck in my head. i think i have a better understanding now of what that is. and 'cos i'm in baby mode:
hungry baby - fed at breast - contented baby
-institutional intervention to control feeding methods-
hungry baby - fed milk from bottle - loss of intimacy/nutritional value
hungry baby - fed water from bottle - instant soothing but left hungry
hungry baby - fed sour bottle - baby get's sick.
feeding patterns repeated regardless.
yeah something like that:-)
i was here looking to understand something about my h's p use - and found out that i'm probably a bigger consumer of it than him??? my own indulgence in fantasy/mb (well i'm not fantasizing about walks in the park) - that was probably more perverted than stuff my h watched - and 'cos i managed to revolve that around him i thought it was ok - after all i wasn't being unfaithful. but i was consuming p nonetheless - even if i never thought of it like that - and in doing so was actually demeaning myself as opposed to the porno queens of my h's fantasies. struck me that i was the one during sex with my eyes closed. like these p stereotypes are out there as fantasy that we all share - we hook into them - can pull them from a fantasy library and when we get bored we can pull out another one(and all this without even having had the experience of viewing p). often nothing intrinsically sexy about it (actually some of it frightening) but we mb to it (or have sex to it) and with that reinforce it with sexual energy that the p industry created for it. and all this i've been doing secretly too - i suppose if my h had got an unexpected look inside my head he may have been confused as well. i'd never even thought about it - which is funny 'cos that is the answer he gave me when i asked him what he had thought when we split up because of p before - 'nothing other than confused at your overreaction to it'. he is a man who continued to use p despite knowing that it would result in the breakup of his marriage/family, and having had experience of this, who appartently loves me and wants to be with me but doesn't know why he continues to indulge in p - not a man who is in control of his p use - it obviously works in ways that he has no idea of but only he can work that out. he may not consider it a problem but it's good that it's not my problem anymore .
i found out also loads about the effects that it is having on our kids and that is a problem for me. i suspect my time will be better spent trying to protect my kids from that threat. there is so much i do not know -but i don't think this board is the place for me to explore that - there is too many questions i need to ask myself - and like has been pointed out this is a board for pa's and their so's who really don't want to be set back with some of the doubts that sort of questioning might present for people in recovery.
anyway - wot i wanted to say (eventually :-) ) was thankyou to the people here who have took the time to respond - you have made a big difference - for a start i've stopped screaming at my h - and can stop crying long enough to focus on my baby. for the pa's i'm glad you are here sorting out your probs - i know how hard it must be to make progress with this one - changing thought process - well that's hard but possible but the whole imagery thing must make it so difficult to forge those new pathways. for the so's - i admire your love for and commitment to your men and your families - i hope you keep yourselves safe and hope you know when to walk.
cv - the thread title's in response to one of your posts that i think touched everyone who read it. btw i know i guy who ironed a frog when he was a boy - no kiddin'
- he's a curious and intelligent guy also.
the pa's tried to give explanation to what first felt like a neverending barage of why (i think i'll go mad if i find myself asking my h this again). "there is a relationship between sex and porn but it's not what you think it is" - that has stuck in my head. i think i have a better understanding now of what that is. and 'cos i'm in baby mode:
hungry baby - fed at breast - contented baby
-institutional intervention to control feeding methods-
hungry baby - fed milk from bottle - loss of intimacy/nutritional value
hungry baby - fed water from bottle - instant soothing but left hungry
hungry baby - fed sour bottle - baby get's sick.
feeding patterns repeated regardless.
yeah something like that:-)
i was here looking to understand something about my h's p use - and found out that i'm probably a bigger consumer of it than him??? my own indulgence in fantasy/mb (well i'm not fantasizing about walks in the park) - that was probably more perverted than stuff my h watched - and 'cos i managed to revolve that around him i thought it was ok - after all i wasn't being unfaithful. but i was consuming p nonetheless - even if i never thought of it like that - and in doing so was actually demeaning myself as opposed to the porno queens of my h's fantasies. struck me that i was the one during sex with my eyes closed. like these p stereotypes are out there as fantasy that we all share - we hook into them - can pull them from a fantasy library and when we get bored we can pull out another one(and all this without even having had the experience of viewing p). often nothing intrinsically sexy about it (actually some of it frightening) but we mb to it (or have sex to it) and with that reinforce it with sexual energy that the p industry created for it. and all this i've been doing secretly too - i suppose if my h had got an unexpected look inside my head he may have been confused as well. i'd never even thought about it - which is funny 'cos that is the answer he gave me when i asked him what he had thought when we split up because of p before - 'nothing other than confused at your overreaction to it'. he is a man who continued to use p despite knowing that it would result in the breakup of his marriage/family, and having had experience of this, who appartently loves me and wants to be with me but doesn't know why he continues to indulge in p - not a man who is in control of his p use - it obviously works in ways that he has no idea of but only he can work that out. he may not consider it a problem but it's good that it's not my problem anymore .
i found out also loads about the effects that it is having on our kids and that is a problem for me. i suspect my time will be better spent trying to protect my kids from that threat. there is so much i do not know -but i don't think this board is the place for me to explore that - there is too many questions i need to ask myself - and like has been pointed out this is a board for pa's and their so's who really don't want to be set back with some of the doubts that sort of questioning might present for people in recovery.
anyway - wot i wanted to say (eventually :-) ) was thankyou to the people here who have took the time to respond - you have made a big difference - for a start i've stopped screaming at my h - and can stop crying long enough to focus on my baby. for the pa's i'm glad you are here sorting out your probs - i know how hard it must be to make progress with this one - changing thought process - well that's hard but possible but the whole imagery thing must make it so difficult to forge those new pathways. for the so's - i admire your love for and commitment to your men and your families - i hope you keep yourselves safe and hope you know when to walk.
cv - the thread title's in response to one of your posts that i think touched everyone who read it. btw i know i guy who ironed a frog when he was a boy - no kiddin'
- he's a curious and intelligent guy also.