My husband is a mess right now ...

[iambetrayed]

We are almost 12 weeks out from d-day - my husband has been p/mb free for that amount of time. He is working hard on his recovery - he reads, works RN, goes to therapy, we talk about this constantly, we have both committed to our relationship. He know that as long as he continues to avoid p/mb and actively seeks help that I intend to be by his side through whatever it takes to fix this. He is a good, good man, in spite of all of this cr*p. He is my best friend and I love him dearly.

Recently he has fallen into a stage of such guilt and shame that I am worried about him. Of course it is still hard for me to understand how he could not have seen the reality of this all along - but it is truly like he was peeking through dark curtains for many years and they have been opened to let the sun shine in. Sometimes he even seems shocked at what he was doing - he has this "what have I done?" horrified attitude - he says that he can't understand how he could have done it - how he could have not seen it for what it was. He is devastated. He keeps getting filled up when we talk about it and sometimes cries - he was never a crier before. While I am certainly glad that he is remorseful and is coming out of denial I just don't know how to help him.

For these past weeks I have been so absolutely broken, and he has been a wonder at being there for me. He is saving us. But I think that maybe now that I am settling into an understanding and am a bit less volatile emotionally, he is allowing himself to feel these feelings.

Has anyone been at this point? I am really not concerned that he is going to a/o, although I know that part of this is that he was using p/mb to numb his negative feelings, and it is much harder for him with that coping mechanism gone. I am just looking for suggestions on how to turn these deep feelings of sadness into something positive.

This is what I told him this morning -It is good that you are feeling these feelings. It is good that you see this for what it really is. But don't let it put you into a place of beating yourself up and hating yourself. That is the type of thinking that got you into trouble in the first place. Just try to see it is a way to understand what you did and move on. And try to visualize the future that you are creating by getting through all of this - like maybe next Christmas when this will be further behind us and we will be happier.

I don't know - I just feel the need to help him. I believe that he is going to make this. And I know that it is a painful journey, I don't want to remove the pain, but maybe point him somewhere that can help him to make it more productive. Unfortunately his therapist seems to be obsessed with his childhood and isn't really offering a lot of advice on dealing with the here and now.

If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them. Thanks.

[davion2308]

First, congratz on what you're doing for yourselves and your relationship. I'm glad to hear he has love and support from you.

I have not been where you two are right now. I can only offer a view from the outside. I get feelings of guilt and sorrow at how I hurt my wife, too, but they are not as intense. My only suggestion would be to continue talking to him and let him get it out. Tell him that what he's doing now makes you feel wonderful. Yes, he hurt you in the past, but he's healing and you're healing with him. Tell him he's doing an amazing job and you're proud.

Basically, keep supporting him. I know I take my emotions and feelings and I lean on them whenever I have urges or compulsions. I remember how I felt when I realized what I was doing to my wife. Whenever I feel the need, I recall that. I read what I have written about my feelings. It helps keep me honest. Maybe you can turn his feelings into something like that?

Good luck!

[breakingfree]

but it is truly like he was peeking through dark curtains for many years and they have been opened to let the sun shine in. Sometimes he even seems shocked at what he was doing - he has this "what have I done?" horrified attitude - he says that he can't understand how he could have done it - how he could have not seen it for what it was. He is devastated. He keeps getting filled up when we talk about it and sometimes cries - he was never a crier before. While I am certainly glad that he is remorseful and is coming out of denial I just don't know how to help him.

As I approach 12 weeks of sobriety, I could have written the above. It WAS ME almost every day in the beginning, couldn't get out more than one sentence to Mrs bf without breaking down and sobbing. Been much better last couple of weeks. I STILL don't understand how I could have been such an ***hole for 15 years, but it is what it is.

Good stuff he is getting out, necessary for him to come to grips with his addiction and the consequences and ESSENTIAL to rebuilding your relationship together.

Lately, I find myself laughing and crying in the same conversation. I do believe that is called growth.

All the best,

bf

[vlngrl]

For my DH, the only thing that could make the guilt/shame/sadness issues lessen was time.

Our D-day was in Feb of 07, and he's been p/mb free since March of 07. We actually didn't talk about it talked about it much in the beginning. Some of it was due to the sheer sadness we both felt. For me, some of it was a coping mechanism. When I found out, I was newly pg with our second child. I felt I had to keep myself together enough for our first (who is very sensative to DH's and my relationship), as well as keeping it together enough to be a good worker at both of my jobs. I also have some family issues I'm always dealing with. Honestly, a steady discussion of DH's addiction would have probably sent me over the edge.

Lately we've talked about it more, as I was ready to hear what the attraction was, etc. We've also began discussions about how we're going to handle the subject with, in particular, our son. Now, H is no longer on the verge of tears and has said that he definately feels less sad/guilty about the whole thing than he did 6 or 9 months ago.

[mo4wo1]

Has anyone been at this point?

Yes. We're there right now. And the connection that is coming from it is awesome. I hurt from this nw info but I think I am in a much better place of understanding. And I believe my H is in a much better place of understanding, too.

Last night he told me that when he's feeling upset to not tell him not to feel so upset... or something like that. Basiclly, to "let" him feel this so he can learn from this.

All I can think to say is you can do what I am learning to let myself do & learning to watch my H do... let him feel & learn on his own & just be honest & love him through it if you still do.

[cammy]

Hi IAB,
I am about one week away from 12. Guilt and shame appear to be necessary elements of a good recovery. They imply empathy I think. Given your state as you describe it, I can see him "delaying" these feelings until now. I'm sure he's an intelligent competent man who deals with perceived crises before getting to the stuff that he has accommodated for some time.

I am inclined to advise that he must do this himself. In the sense that he has to deal with the emotions as they are his. Should he ask for help, great. I used a psychologist, and still do, to help. I found this helpful because my DW has her own scars to heal anddid not need them ripped open repeatedly by my carry on. The psychologist stuff allowed me to talk with her and we were better able to work together on mutual issues as a result. My short experience, hope it is of some value.

[emptyanddestroyed]

My h, like yours, wasn't really a "crier" before this, but he has shed quite a few tears lately. He said that he has experienced more emotion in the past three months than in his whole life put together. I think that it's something they need to learn - how to deal with these emotions and continue to face reality instead of turning to p and fantasy. It's hard for them. They deserve the guilt and shame, but they also deserve how to work through it in a healthy way - be it meditating, talking to you or a therapist, calling a sponsor, etc.

One thing that my sa therapist told me is that my h is not a bad person, per se; he is a good person with a really bad addiction. I think that helps my h sometimes because he gets lost in thinking that his whole being is the addiction. Yes, it is a large part of him and infiltrated his whole life, but there are still good parts of him - an important one being his desire for recovery and his desire to finally experience emotional reality.

[yellowdart221]

I'm not married, and i use to have a girlfriend. But when i was with her and i decided stop looking at P i knew i wouldn't be able to handle me making her so sad about what i had looked at, she had never found out but i wouldn't let her get the chance either and that is the reason why i quit looking at P and MB'n right then. I couldn't handle letting her or any other girl after her down like that. Every time i think of looking at it again or MB i think of what that would cause and it doesn't make me want to do it all...ever. I just couldn't handle it. I'm happy that your H is so far in recovery, not excited that he is so sad that he cries but i'm glad because it does shows a lesson like it did me.

[wamu]

wow u r an amazing women. i don't know much about anything as this is only day 2 for me. however, my simple cure for depression was always to do "something", anything. I liked to go to the gym and really push myself. I know that may have been replacing one addiction w/another but i felt at least it was constructive to be working out. u may not like shwarznegger, but he has an excellent line in terminator 3. he says "anger is more useful than despair" it has always worked for me. i didn't decide to quit b/c i was sad, but b/c i was mad. it's a personality thing so maybe your H is the same way. tell him to get to the gym and get under some weight. a lot of times my simple world boils down to this. in any event it certainly builds self esteem when u r under 500 lbs of weight and come back up alive. & hey there is nada wrong w/a little crying.

if u r religious tell him that God doesn't remember a second of it. if u r not religious tell him that he is a champion. remind him how many of us are still plodding blindly refusing to step into the arena, and he is in the middle of the fight, and winning at that.

[Clean2day]

Can only speak for myself but I was a mess for awhile also.

I remember when wife asked me to get something from "my room" where I had kept all my treasure. I knew just where to find what she wanted, it was for my daughter. I went and as I started to get it I found some pictures that I had used to act out with. Nothing bad, in fact if w had found them she would have just passed them by.

It was just before I had to come to work, I remember I didn't even get what she had asked me to. I just walked out put on my coat and went to work. W called later, after daughter had left, and asked if I was OK. I lied, saying I was. It bothered me all night and I think I prayed all night that I could get rid of them with out being bothered, having strength.

The next morning as soon as I got home, I got them out and shredded them. Wife knew what I was doing, and that I had found something. We had been told that if at all possible she should get rid of those things. But this was something I had to do. I think I cried most of the morning. She even called my daughter and had her talk to me. Then offered to call our son. {All the kids are grown} It was just something I had to do, like morning some sort of a loss.

That might be part of what he is feeling, the fact that "he has died and now he can really live." The Bible says that we have died so that we might live as new creatures. It also says in the Psalms "God has cast our sins as far as the east is from the west." I love that line. Maybe as Martin Luther King had said, "Free at last I'm free at last! Thank God Almighty, I'm Free at last!" EDITED

Best advice is to lend him your shoulder and hold his hand. Tell him your proud of the way he is now. A man you can love.

C2d

[completelydone]

I am just looking for suggestions on how to turn these deep feelings of sadness into something positive.

Time, love and support will do that. This is a good thing. I know it is hard to see him hurt and cry, but this is progress for him. I know the first time I saw my husband ball when he was dealing with his past abuse for the first time, instead of repressing it, it was somewhat scary for me. He was in essence letting out 30 years of pain. Things he never allowed himself to cry over (which was about everything in his life) were suddenly streaming out of him. He was on the floor shaking, convulsing, sobbing, screaming............ some of the sounds that came out of him sounded like a wounded animal. I held him and comforted him. I was an open ear and a safe place for him to cry, vent, talk during those times. That's really all you can do. Extend hope, encouragement, love, compassion, understanding. And yes he even went through several bouts of crying over what he did to me.. to us. This is all good. This is all necessary for people who have repressed their emotional wounds often for years. It is also these emotional wounds that fester that lie beneath addictive behaviors; they use addictions to suppress those emotions and try to have good ones.

So, take heart, iambetrayed, things are getting better for both of you. Let him grieve and just be there for him. Let him know you are there for him.

Take care,
CD