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Post by alyson on Dec 17, 2007 19:25:26 GMT -5
I guess some of you have read my husbands thread for which he was banned.Im praying for revelation.I wish he would see things how I see them
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 17, 2007 19:56:58 GMT -5
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Post by chasmjumper on Dec 17, 2007 20:03:36 GMT -5
If you see a pattern of neglect, selfishness, lack of communication, or whatever makes a relationship go downhill, and it's attributable to the porn, and he's genuinely screwed up addicted, then best of luck sorting that out.
If it's a matter of "Ewww, yucky, porn! How can a guy do that? Oh the betrayal!" Then you guys just need a good sit down to discuss how that hurts you and how you won't tolerate it. Alternatively, you might find that it's not such a big deal to you after all.
This place is understandably extremely anti-porn, and for good reason. It has f***ked up the lives of many of the people here. For you guys it sounds like more of a relationship boundary issue that would only be complicated by the harsh stance that this community takes. I think for you guys there is probably some middle ground.
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Post by P on Dec 17, 2007 20:39:15 GMT -5
I don't think he should have been banned.
He came in here with much the same attitude as all the addicts have had at one time or another.
Now we probably just look like wackos instead of caring people who may have been able to help him and his marriage.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 17, 2007 21:47:52 GMT -5
Alyson,
I pray that he does. Would he agree for the two of you to see a marriage and family counselor?
P, I respectfully disagree.
We can't have it both ways. There has been a lot of criticism that the Mods have let too many inappropriate, flaming threads go too long.
Neils' thread was poised and ready to burst into flame. He said
. Fine, shall we all line up and debate whether MB and P are bad? It would have been one more thread that got out of control.
We had two members banned and a couple of threads closed today more rapidly than I have seen in my three months here. IMO, great. this is not an open forum. It is a forum for SA's. If I post I am not an SA then I shouldn't be here, QED.
IMHO, as always.
Alyson, I wish the best for you.
bf
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Post by P on Dec 17, 2007 22:58:56 GMT -5
I have spent much time in the rooms of AA. If they tossed out everyone who spewed that a drink here and there was ok, the rooms would be empty.
It is the old timers of those rooms who know the truth, who gently speak the truth, and it those old timers who save lives.
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facingit
Full Member
One day at a time
Posts: 111
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Post by facingit on Dec 17, 2007 23:39:13 GMT -5
Alyson, you say you wish he would see things how you see them - without prying too much, what is the way you see things?
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Post by jonas612 on Dec 18, 2007 0:33:19 GMT -5
I was originally going to post on your original post, alyson, but what I started off writing and what I ended up with didn't exactly seem like it was getting my point across, so I stopped.
First off, welcome, and I hope you find the answers, or at least some of them, here.
I can see both sides of the argument in this case. On one hand, I am a SA that has a serious issue. On the other, I was also a peer counselor for a number of years in high school, all the way through college, and out of college. From that experience, I've seen a number of people in your situation.
Personally, I would seriously suggest that both you and your husband sit and talk about this situation. If you both cant reach a point where you can be civil about it, bring a third party, someone you both trust. Since this is an intimacy issue, it may be hard to let smeone in like that, but if it cant be someone you both trust, seek a couples therapist. the key here is communication.
I'm not one to get on any moral high horse and say whether P is good or bad blanketly. There are very few things in this world that I believe can be stated in such a fashion. In my eyes, it is all relative to the person at hand. For me, P is bad. I've gotten addicted to it. I've flushed thousands of dollars down the drain to it. I was once $8,000 US in debt for it, on a RA stipend budget (P.S., thats 200 a month). I pulled out of that, only to continue. It's been close to 7 years now since its gone on like that, and I'm ready for it to stop. My addiction is truly an addiction, one that's taken away money, time, caused me to lose friends, and caused pain to my SO who had to find out that I'd beenhiding something from her, the only person I never hid anything from.
That being said, P is so readily available and has become less of a social stigma than it was even 5 years ago. We're seeing former and current stars becoming household names. You have a lot of medical people saying that MB is actually healthy and natural. Hence, the chances that you're going to find someone that has a mild interest in it is very possible.
Is P wrong or bad? It's not my place to say. Is it wrong for me? Yes, absolutely, because I cannot control the addiction and it ruins my life. That does not mean, however, that its blanketly wrong for someone that can look at it as a normal, occasional thing.
Take video games for example, something else I tend to consider myself to be a pretty good source on. If I play video games from time to time, even on a regular basis, thats one thing. If I'm playing every day 12-15 hours a day, not leaving the house, missing appts, etc, because I'm playing video games, that's addiction.
Back to the topic at hand; your H thinks that P and MB is acceptable if its not done in excess. That's his belief. If that does not go along with your morals, that's a battle that you and your H have to confront and deal with. either on your own or with a couples counselor or a mediating mutual friend. This is separate altogether from having a P addiction, though. If he takes it to excess, constantly looking at the expense of other things, important things, he's possibly a PA. if he cannot make it through the day without thinking about P, logging on to some site and MBing, its possible that he's a PA.
An idea for you would be to lay the hammer down; if he doesnt need the P or the MB, then have him go one month without it. If he's not addicted, and he loves you, it should be a piece of cake. If he agrees, and then lies and goes and uses it, he's one of two things: a PA, or a jerk (or another word)
For me, P is an evil thing, a temptation, a curse that I should have never let into my life, and hope never to again. I just cant say that blanketly, its just as much a curse for someone else as it is for me.
I hope this wasnt too over the top, and if anything I said could be taken out of context as offensive, I apologize. If you have any questions, please ask. These people are wonderful, and have already helpd me a great deal.
thanks for listening, in advance - -ed
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Post by realthing on Dec 18, 2007 6:10:57 GMT -5
how condescending. i suspect that you are in any case not the ideal person to take relationship advice from.
btw - i also suspect that until you do realize the full spectrum of the destructive influence of p - whether it is 'casual' or otherwise that your recovery from it will be a long way off
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Post by alyson on Dec 18, 2007 6:20:56 GMT -5
Thanks so much everyone for your comments. When neil wrote his thread he was in the aftermath of being exposed and was extremely defensive. I went out for a very long walk to reflect and on my return his attitude has softened. I was able to be calm and loving towards him, and apologised for any condemnation I had put on him. I also told him that I couldnt stop him from mb but that every time he did he would, he would be dishonouring me and the vows we made. He had in my absence come to the understanding that images of other women were visual adultery, and was on some forum to try and not mb. Facing it, my view is that having someone other than me as an object of desire is being unfaithful in his mind. Also mb in a similar way. Im his wife and its not like I dont put out or am very frigid, Im open and available. What his behaviour says to me is 'YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR ME'. The sneaking secrets were more offensive and dishonouring.
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Post by realthing on Dec 18, 2007 7:54:48 GMT -5
exactly!
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Post by Webmaster on Dec 18, 2007 8:21:03 GMT -5
alyson,
Please see and share my post to neil in his original thread. If his attitude has indeed softened, and he is interested in participating here, he may contact me and I will gladly lift the ban. We will welcome him with open arms as he strives to achieve his own personal goals.
Wes
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