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Post by alyson on Dec 17, 2007 10:44:52 GMT -5
When I met my husband I found a stash of mags, I didnt know him well at this point but I binned them. We married 2 yrs later and have bn wed for 2 yrs. Almost a year ago I caught him searchin on web and went crazy at him. He is a gentle kind and loving man and was gutted because he had hurt me. He promised it would never happen again. Last night I caught him accessing MY external hard drive with video clips. I am sick to my stomach and feel like he has been unfaithful and betrayed me. I was abused when I was young and Ive only ever trusted him. He has tainted my precious safe love life. He has invited others into a circle that was exclusively his and mine. He admitted that he did M. I dont know how to carry on, the deception and lies are too much.Im a christian and he is not. Please help me
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 17, 2007 11:12:02 GMT -5
He is a gentle kind and loving man and was gutted because he had hurt me. gentle, kind and loving men to not commit visual adultery. Most of them do; unfortunately when they need their fix, they self-deceive believing they can have their wife and their addiction. PA is a way they get a brain-chemical high that is reinforced by mb - it has more in common with heroin addiction then sex - even though their sex organ is used. Many SA/PA therapists recommend a month or two of total sobriety - no porn, no sex and no mb. That lets them go through brain-chemical withdrawal (usually 2-3 weeks sober) and helps them reset their libido - which also helps them learn to recognize their sex drive from their need-a-porn-fix drive. Of course you feel that way - because he has been at least visually, mentally and emotionally unfaithful. He took something that was to be only yours and shared it. Many of us wives were. Through the pain of PA, I have learned the only one I can fully trust is God - he's the only one holy enough to not betray. People are fallen and living in a fallen world - I can trust some of them somewhat, but none of them totally. I think he's lying to save face and to not hurt you. SOs have a saying: "Porn hurts; lies kill." In my opinion, more wives have left their husbands for the lying then for their addiction. I'm not sure if my husband is a Christian or not. He said he was and acted like he was during our dating; but did a 180 after we were married. After 9 years, things are slowly changing. I found a lot of help in the book by Lee and Leslie Strobel "Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage" Just being a Christian is not a guarantee a man won't fall into PA. There are many Christian men and even some pastors and priests who have started their recovery journey on this forum. The advantage of a Christian mate is we could use Matthew 18: 15-17 for a guide on handling his sin; but that doesn't pertain to an unequally yoked spouse. Have you read "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. I found a lot of good advice in that book. It's tough to be tough - especially when we're trying to show our mate God's forgiveness and love. There's a delicate balance. At the bottom of my posts is a link to my "Recover from the Pain" plan. Possibly making your own recovery plan can help you plan ahead (1) how to respond to his sin; (2) what will keep you safe from his poor choices; (3) how to use this circumstance for your own personal and spiritual growth; and (4) pre-plan what tough love you will use so when you find porn, so you automatically know what to do so you're not trying to figure it out while you're in shock and pain. LookingUp
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Post by alyson on Dec 17, 2007 18:58:31 GMT -5
Thanks, i'll check those out. Im feeling a little more clear headed this evening and my anger is dissipating. I shouldnt have condemned him as I am obviously not perfect. It's gonna be a real test for me to continue to love him and show love to him through this. Im struggling to look him in the eyes because im just searching for signs of deception
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 17, 2007 19:52:51 GMT -5
It's a balancing act to figure out how to protect ourselves (and let God protect us, too) and to practice tough love. There were many times I thanked God I was only told to respect my husband and not told to love him! LOL. Helped me a lot at first.... not that I always acted respectful to him - I failed that test several times before I got it right.
Another scripture that helped me was Hosea 3:3 (New Century Version) Then I said, " Now you are mine! You will have to remain faithful to me, though it will be a long time before we sleep together." That relieved to pressure to feel I had to make love when my heart was breaking. Plus, that month of celibacy should help him learn the difference between his porn desire and his desire to make love and hopefully connect as loving partners.
LookingUp
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Post by chasmjumper on Dec 17, 2007 21:55:22 GMT -5
This sounds like a conflict of values and nothing more.
It seems like a bit of an overreaction to come here all "Woe unto me, I caught my husband looking at porn, and he masturbates too! Whatever shall I do?!" Believe it or not, it's quite a common thing. He is not a demonic unfaithful pervert for looking at some newds.
It's like, if he spent $20 at a casino one day without you knowing, and you found out, and then some other day he goes back with the boys and plops down another $20 after saying he'd never go again (because you personally don't believe in gambling), would you go directly to an extreme anti-gambling forum and talk like you just had your soul ripped out?
You two just need to talk.
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Post by tiger1m on Dec 17, 2007 22:13:32 GMT -5
member chasmjumper, you are within bounds with your response here. Let me encourage you now to consider carefully the feedback you are likely to receive from others very soon.
Let us all keep it civil, please.
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Post by chasmjumper on Dec 17, 2007 22:40:57 GMT -5
member chasmjumper, you are within bounds with your response here. Let me encourage you now to consider carefully the feedback you are likely to receive from others very soon. Let us all keep it civil, please. That's cool. P and MB has messed things up for me and many people here, but I don't subscribe to the belief that these activities are intrinsically selfish, harmful, or evil, though they are so for certain people (addicts, addicts in the making), perhaps even the abovementioned husband, though based on what I've read, it sounds unlikely in that case. I really think that trying to guilt trip this guy and treat, what was in the context of that relationship, perhaps only a little white lie as a capital assault on the sanctity of marriage can only create unnecessary friction between that couple. He seems like an okay guy with the average stash of Honkers of the Month or whatever, and I honestly think this might have been blown out of proportion. Now if she said something along the lines of "he stays up until 3 AM every night browsing P and never has sex with me and has been fired from 2 jobs and I'm at the end of my rope..." that's a different story.
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Post by Al on Dec 18, 2007 3:22:25 GMT -5
"he seems like an okay guy with the average stash of...."
Normalcy will destroy us. Chasmjumper, your audience here is composed of those for whom porn is like heroin or crack cocaine, and their SO's whose lives are devastated by addictive behavior. Sure, compared to society at large, this whole porn thing seems "blown out of proportion." I am not society at large. I have an illness, have always had it, will always have it. Sex addiction is manageable, but I have to remember that I am managing it. Otherwise, I will slip, and slide into death from porn addiction.
It's nice to compare people---to note that there's a difference between the little white lie and being at the end of one's rope. Sure. But how does that help me? I am certainly not helped by being reminded that some people think having a stash of porn is normal, and okay.
Be well, Al
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Post by alyson on Dec 18, 2007 7:09:23 GMT -5
Chasmjumper, your intolerence of my 'real' hurt is unkind. All you know about me is a 2 min piece of writing. I have not fitted everything in, or even close to. Is my pain less real because the offence was less than others offences? Does addiction start large or is it built up? If one were to fail a test by one mark and another by ten marks are they both not not failures? All my life men have misused or abused me with sex, from childhood. Neil is so kind and understanding of my past and when I married him we entered onto a level of intimacy that for the first time in my life was godly acceptable and pure. Do you understand how big a thing it can be for a person like me to feel sanctified and clean, when all you've ever felt before is filthy and tainted? I even recognise now in hindsight that I was probably guilty of idolatry towards neil. That love I found security in has been tainted, and i've crashed bigtime. I dont think he is demonic as you claim and its not all fire and brimstone, he has a weakness like everyone else. Perhaps my situation is less than others here, does that make it less valid? I came here for some help and understanding, not to be attacked.
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Post by kyle on Dec 18, 2007 7:58:21 GMT -5
Chasejumper,
Why are you here? Are you here for help? or are you here to belittle someone Else's cry for help. You have shown a huge unwillingness to listen and try to help. Your comment is totally inappropriate for what this woman is feeling.
If you feel that this sort of behavior is OK, then maybe you should seek help elsewhere because the majority of us do not agree with your thoughts at all. This is exactly the sort of blame shifting and denial that we have been doing for way to long and want to stop doing. Your "Little White Lie" will turn in to bigger and bigger lies if it is not ended and that is where the failure in your logic is completely flawed. A lie is a lie no matter how you look at it and it does cause damage. The amount of damage is dependent on how the reason being lied to interprets it, but it is still damaging to both parties involved.
Again, I would ask yourself what your true intentions are being here and then go from there. It seems like lately there have been more and more folks coming here and trying to derail or healing and our thought as we try to sort out our problem. I for one am getting real tired of it and wish there was some way to stop it, but unfortunately there is not.
Sorry for the rant to the rest of you, but as I said, I am getting really tired of this. Maybe I need to take a break for a while. we will see.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 18, 2007 8:23:57 GMT -5
and
The unfortunate consequence of these threads continuing is that members get fed up and retreat to their journals and/or circles and stay off the main board.
I have been following this thread and the other concurrent one and I have allowed myself to get sucked into the controversy. Nothing positive is going to happen here and I don't need to be testing my anger management. I will stay on the boards but off these threads.
bf
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Post by alyson on Dec 18, 2007 8:27:19 GMT -5
breaking free, im sorry if i have caused you to do this, Alyson
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 18, 2007 9:05:48 GMT -5
Okay, ONE more post.
alyson,
You have absolutely done nothing wrong. THIS WAS IN NO WAY DIRECTED AT YOU, rather some new members who always seem to want to stir the pot and deliberately start adversarial threads. I can't speak for Kyle, but I don't think his comment was directed at you.
You are very welcome here and please note I have responded to the new thread you started.
bf
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Post by Curious Voyager on Dec 18, 2007 9:23:45 GMT -5
Chasmjumper, DUDE! what's with that? I'm cool with disagreement--oh yeah! But your response invalidates this persons feelings. That's cold! and Wrong!
People be complex and your pop evaluation of her situation and feelings is suspect unless you are a board certified psychic. Well, Are ya?
Sorry alyson for the insensitivity of us all. Maybe your H will wake up. We can hope.
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 18, 2007 11:13:57 GMT -5
"The unfortunate consequence of these threads continuing is that members get fed up and retreat to their journals and/or circles and stay off the main board."
The drama is just too much anymore. As my momma likes to say, "Don't borrow trouble." So, I am doing my best to heed that warning. And the trolls are winning. I am visiting less.
I sincerely hope this stops soon. I know I was visiting too much for a while there but this site has helped me & I am certain it's helped others. I truly hope it gets under control soon. It's really pathetic that some come here for entertainment & debates-sake. This is a PA/SA support board, not a "debate P" message board. And it's not a democracy.
But I will use the ignore feature again.
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