I'm a control freak

[learning2bebetter]

I am going through a little self discovery. I never thought I liked to be in control of Anything. I thought because I was indecisive that I couldn't be controlling. In fact I even considered myself lay-ed back and easy going.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I went shopping yesterday and couldn't even shop because I couldn't get out of my own head (which was spinning with everything going on around me). It started in the parking lot. While trying to find a parking place my wife would make suggestions and I just got pissy because I needed to be in control and I didn't want to hear it. After we went into the mall HR (my wife) kept asking if I would like to go into this store and I just couldn't do it. I just knew that if we went in that I would lose all control of the situation. The kids would go this way and that. My oldest would start showing me everything in the store. HR would get upset with me for being an a-hole and my head would explode. Argh, my head is spinning just typing it.

We finally did go into Build-a-bear to make stuffed animals for the kids. It started out ok but then as more people filed in and I couldn't keep the kids in my control I started to get more and more agitated. I started trying to exert my authority by pushing us along trying to control how things where going to happen next, and keeping the children under my thumb. All said and done we made it through the store but not without me being the a-hole that I was predicting before.

So that is the example of me being controlling. It is by no means the beginning or the end of my controlling nature. However I will move on.

I think that this controlling nature of mine is one of the main causes for lying. I want to control how others see me and my actions. I want to warp there reality to see only what I want them to see nothing more and nothing less.

My question is how do I fight this when I don't even realize that I am doing it until after the fact. What are some methods for recognizing and preempting this behavior and making better choices.

L2bb

[LookingUp]

L2bb,

Great question. It would seem that now you recognize your tendency to control that you will be more aware - it may be after the fact as you grow in this new skill until you catch your controlling before it happens. Hopefully each time you try to control, that you apologize and ask your loved ones to forgive you for your controlling behavior. After eating a little crow (logical consequences to bad behavior), it should be easier to move the recognizition factor further ahead until you catch yourself ready to control and possibly eventually won't even need to want control.

The "Hearts in Healing" Circle or possibly Mayberry's Journal - we've been discussing MM (Mighty Mouse) the inner controller. Mayberry has recognized the trigger for MM to come out is PAM (Paranoid and Anxious Mouse). When PAM starts panicking because others may think bad of her or abandon her - then MM comes into play and tries to control things so PAM can calm down. I don't know if you have these two inner conflicts going on in the back of your mind when you want to control, but it might be happening.

Have you considered writing or do you have a journal in the journal section? That might be a place where you could record the times you try to control - what were the underlying thoughts, emotions (especially fears) and watch for repeat patterns and look back and see you are making progress in finding freedom from control.

I still struggle with wanting to either control or isolate. I noticed your scripture. For me, part of letting go of control was growing in my relationship with God - so I came to believe he was good and could control my life and my loved one's lives without causing me pain. That was part of 12-step work for me. #1 I can't control <whatever>. #2 God can. #3 I'll let Him.... to let Him, meant I had to learn to trust Him to not cause hurt. As my view of God gets more in line with the Bible, it's easier to let go and let God. I found these Psalms especially helpful to meditate and memorize to change my view of God: Psalms 23, 63, 84, 91, 103, 139 and 145. A Psalm that helped me check myself was Psalm 131 in the Message version. www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%20131&version=65

Thanks for your post. It gives me hope that my husband may recognize that tendency in himself some day and stop making unilateral decisions (which make me feel marginalized and under appreciated).

LookingUp

[Curious Voyager]

Self realization is a BI TCH ain't it? That moment though when we get it--any of it, is something to build on.

Are you working recovery actively? Is your partner a partner in your recovery?

[learning2bebetter]

Thank you, for your responses.

Mayberry has recognized the trigger for MM to come out is PAM (Paranoid and Anxious Mouse). When PAM starts panicking because others may think bad of her or abandon her - then MM comes into play and tries to control things so PAM can calm down.

Good Analogy. I think that you've hit the nail on the head with this. (apparently I need some mouse traps in my head)

I have considered writing in a journal and in fact At one point I attempted to start one. While writing it for the first time however it error-ed out and I lost everything (argh). I will be starting a new one.

Thanks for your post. It gives me hope that my husband may recognize that tendency in himself some day and stop making unilateral decisions (which make me feel marginalized and under appreciated).

Thank you for adding this. It is nice to see that this is helpful for more than just me.

Self realization is a BI TCH ain't it? That moment though when we get it--any of it, is something to build on.

Are you working recovery actively? Is your partner a partner in your recovery?

Absolutely A ROYAL BI TCH!

What exactly do you mean by working recovery actively? (Yes it is a serious question) I would like to say that I am but I don't think that I am. Does that make since? What I mean is that I keep a sobriety calendar, and I do come here to read, and post, and I am actively NOT p or mb-ing. However, I don't think that this is what you mean. So could you please elaborate?

To answer the next part of your question...HR and I do have moments when we are working together towards recovery. However, when it gets too hard I tend to shut down or shut her out. So I would say the answer is, sometimes we are and other times I am not strong enough to have her be my partner in recovery.

[Healing Rain]

What exactly do you mean by working recovery actively? (Yes it is a serious question) I would like to say that I am but I don't think that I am. Does that make since? What I mean is that I keep a sobriety calendar, and I do come here to read, and post, and I am actively NOT p or mb-ing. However, I don't think that this is what you mean. So could you please elaborate?

Someone, please answer this question for him. I would greatly appreciate it.

With that I will once again bow out of My H's discussions.

~Rain~

[cammy]

Mr. Rain,

I am you sir. BTW your SO drives too slow. Not that you should control that. It has been said by people more versed than me that sobriety is a condition. Recovery is an action. What are you doing to solve the problems/issues etc that got you hooked into P in the first instance? Do this and you are working a recovery - IMO. It is hard and emotionally wrenching and it is yours alone. So it's scary too. I have found it worthwhile.

[1dayatatime]

Are you agoraphobic?

[LookingUp]

learning2bebetter said:

What exactly do you mean by working recovery actively? (Yes it is a serious question) I would like to say that I am but I don't think that I am. Does that make since? What I mean is that I keep a sobriety calendar, and I do come here to read, and post, and I am actively NOT p or mb-ing. However, I don't think that this is what you mean. So could you please elaborate?

Although you didn't ask me this question, I'd love to respond - I hope that's okay.

To me, sobriety means not doing the addictive behavior (like not gambling if you're a gambler, eating sensibly if you're a food addict, not porning, mb, oogeling or fantasizing if you're a SA/PA).

To me, recovery means learning or relearning the skills that my addiction stole from me.... things like expressing emotions appropriately, empathy, honesty, intimacy, serenity, building relationships, making friends, healthy hobbies, accurate self-assessment, realistic expectations of others, healthy spirituality, etc. This is important, in my opinion, because without this piece, it is easy to go back to our previous addiction or to switch to a new addiction.

I've spent most of my adult life wandering from one addiction or compulsive behavior to another. Now I'm learning the above skills so hopefully my food addiction will be the last addiction or compulsive behavior I "need" to manage life.

LookingUp

[zerotolerance]

I'll try to answer it from my perspective. There's a place where we get in our heads, and we know it intellulectually, you're there! Surely you can see how your attempts to control make everything worse. Whereas I learned that the calmer I am, the calmer my kids would be. You have done anything other than set a bad example for your kids, so you fear they will act up, and inadvertantly create it, by acting up yourself. Sometimes I think my h does this because he can't stand for the attention not to be on him. It's not concious thing, it's just a habit, or bad mech, or whatever. When we are in control of ourselves, we teach our kids how to control themselves. We tell them what is expected before we go into the store, and usually that's what we get back from them while we're in there. It's the same thing in your mind. On the one hand your working it, doing a lot of the right things, but on the other hand old habits and corrupt thoughts, are still running around amok in the other parts, creating this chaos in your lives. I was like a bunch of fragmented peices too, trying to keep everything out organized, and it's hard to feel anything other than fear when we're misfiring like that. Just like when we SOs go snooping, we're trying to control externally, but control only really comes from within. So what thoughts are motivating you? Are they rational or irrational? What would be a better way to handle it next time? You're peeling the onion of you back layer by layer. We don't just give up a bad behavior and automatically get better. The behavior was one element, and the way it makes you have a fear base external focus on controlling others is another. And when you get through this one there is another one, and another one. It's a journey, not an occurance, or not an isloated problem. The way your mind works has been altered imo, and you have to change it back to it's natural state, without having any idea what that is probably. I had some idea, so that helped me, but we all have to step out into the unchartered waters within us. The effects of this twists our minds so that we value ourselves by others around us, or by manipulating the opinions of others, thru a filter, as an image, etc.. It's doomed to fail because we can't control others. It will make you crazy trying, because it's crazy making behavior, which is usually the result of engaging in crazy behaviors. You have to use your heart and your head, and CONCIOUSLY think up a more loving approach, and then do that, instead of this. We have to integrate ourselves so that we are using all our senses correctly in our decision making processes. We have to eradicate the lies we tell ourselves, and in do so we can eradicate the fear. Because most of this stuff is irrational fear based behavior. Can you see the effect your behavior has on your family? Can you see how it sucks the joy right out of the excursion? Do you want to feel paniked and fearful? Do you want to be fully present and able to enjoy the moments you find yourself in, rather than freaking out? There are many factors, and we each have to sort out our own cesspools. When we get it right, we know it, because it FEELS right, and it's not full of fear and anxiety anymore. If you knew you could control the kids while you were in the store, that might help. Kids are trainable. You just have to outsmart them, and teach them, rather than letting them run the show, or rather than running all over them. It's about balance, with some love in it, and some thought about what that might look like, and some effort towards doing it. The main thing is knowing if this isn't working then you need to try something else. Sometimes answers like the one you seek, can only be obtained by changing our behavior first, or changing our thought process, or BOTH, and/or by addressing the source of that anxiety, and/or thinking up a better way and trying that instead of allowing yourself to be driven by old behaviors that dont' work for ya, or whatever like that! Instead of doing what you don't want, figure out how you want to do it, and then do that! Doing what never work before, will also not work again, ya know?

[Three Legged Dog]

L2BB and HR,
Amazing you are both part of this board. I haven't even got the nerve to tell my wife yet and here you are interacting on the forum. Some are giants.

But I would also like L2BB's question answered, not comprehensively, just what's the first step. Wait, I know what that is: tell my wife. What's the second step?

I'm sober but not doing anything other than self-examination to recover. I'm also a control freak. In fact, I'm in charge of all the control freaks.

Added:
ZeroTol, I was writing my post at the time you posted so I didn't see it prior, but you nailed it ma'am. I know there are things we must do externally to recover and would still like to learn more on that, but your explanation of what's going on inside a controlling mind was very enlightening. Thanks.

[learning2bebetter]

Thank you Zero, your insight is very helpful to me.