Analogy to alcohol

[nrobinson]

What follows is cut and pasted directly from the journal I've been keeping over the last week (since my discovery and start of my recovery.) Please let me know what you think and what I should do.
***
As I opened my second beer just now, I came to a stark realization. Just as I am with alcohol, I may be with porn, and, if that’s the case, I need a plan soon. More than likely, if there’s beer in my fridge, I’ll drink it, whether I should or not. Not to the point of excess, usually, just a couple. It’s kind of a compulsion, because I like what it does and how it makes me feel. I won’t drink beer in my fridge if I’ve drank too much the night before and I have a hangover. I always wanted to look at porn before, because I liked the way it made me feel. After my wife and I had our confrontation last Monday, I haven’t wanted to look at porn and I feel now that I will never want to. What will I do about porn when my “hangover” is gone?

[addict70]

nrobinson said:

What follows is cut and pasted directly from the journal I've been keeping over the last week (since my discovery and start of my recovery.) Please let me know what you think and what I should do.
***
As I opened my second beer just now, I came to a stark realization. Just as I am with alcohol, I may be with porn, and, if that’s the case, I need a plan soon. More than likely, if there’s beer in my fridge, I’ll drink it, whether I should or not. Not to the point of excess, usually, just a couple. It’s kind of a compulsion, because I like what it does and how it makes me feel. I won’t drink beer in my fridge if I’ve drank too much the night before and I have a hangover. I always wanted to look at porn before, because I liked the way it made me feel. After my wife and I had our confrontation last Monday, I haven’t wanted to look at porn and I feel now that I will never want to. What will I do about porn when my “hangover” is gone?

Before my divorce when I was first confronted by my wife and had to own up to my problem the same thing happened to me. I could'nt even think about P with anything but disgust because of the pain of the confrontation. A few weeks later, after the dust settled and the memory blurred I was right back at it, probably worse than before. I think my failure was in trusting the hurt to carry me through. As if I was so deeply wounded I'd never use it again. In truth my P habit was still more important to me than my marriage.

I think you have the solution right in your message. You need a plan. For me right now it's daily journaling and committing 100% to not using every single day.

[nrobinson]

Thanks Addict. I just read in one of your other posts that you don' t have any kids. I think one of my motivating factors is my kids. I say that as my 3-year old daughter is laying asleep on my lap. I don't know how I ever sacrificed my my morals, my ideals, my family in the first place...

[LookingUp]

I've often heard, and found in my own life, that staying clean of addictions for others at the motivating factor may get you started, but it won't keep you clean over the long-haul. You have to find a reason to want to do it for youself. I noticed your scripture, possibly wanting to stay clean so you can be holy before God would be a better long-term motivator. Just a thought.

[chad32]

Hi nrobinson,

To go back to your orignal post about the analogy to alcohol, here are my thoughts:

I have never had an alcoholic drink in my life (no more than a tiny sip). Many people are quite shocked by this, but my reasons are:

1. As a child, I couldn't stand the smell, and the taste of a tiny amount.
2. When I was a teenager, I was shocked to see what it did to some of my friends - the most shocking experience for me was when my best friend got drunk and did not even recognise me.
3. My experiences made me hate the idea of alcohol and 100% determined to keep away from it forever.
4. As a Christian, I also do not want to loose self control of myself, or have my senses dulled
5. I never want to throw up in publc and have a hangover!

At college, my friends were so impressed by my non-alcohol attitute, that several of these came over to my side and also gave up - it was becoming "cool"!

The above is quite ironic, given that I became a P addict. The affects of P on me have been:
1. Loss of self control - I thought I could stop at any time but could not
2. I lied to my best friend (my wife) and acted as though she was not there
3. I have looked at things that are truely repulsive, and did not turn away
4. I know that God does not like it, but I rationalised that away, saying he is bigger than that
5. It is such a private and secret addiction - it would be so shameful to be discovered!

I think there are a lot of similarities between P and alcohol, and I now want to become the P equivalent of teetotal, and to pursue it with the same passion that I have for alcohol aversion.

I'm now 43 days free of P and 32 years free of alcohol. Anybody else want to join the count?

Chad