(PA)outside myself trying to break down walls

[yackers]

Hi, I'm new. What a cheesy introduction, but my hands are shaking just writing this. I don't know wether to spill my guts or to hide myself from my problem. My problem is PA.
Is it usually a rock bottom low feeling that makes you reach out for help?I feel kinda guilty. Like asking God for forgiveness when I havent been on the best of terms with Him.I feel like if I start talking about the problem i will feel better about myself but, at the same time, I'm scared that I can't fulfil the commitment my soul is demanding.I'll start with the rock bottom I hit.
I have been dealing with this twisting rollercoaster ride of guilt since I was a pre-teen. Hiding MB from everyone in the world, I wouldnt even joke about it with my buddies thinking I might give away my secret.(if that doesn't scream guilt i dont know what does)I married at 21. I hid porn from my wife from the day we met.(which I still do)I lost a promising job whan I was 22 because of viewing porn on the internet at work.(which I still do).Three days ago I came an eyelash away from losing my second job, luckly I just got a ten day suspension w/o pay for having three porn dvds.I feel like a dirtbag. this suspension has hurt me and my family fiancially, to make that worse its christmas.i was so overcome with embaressment and guilt that i lied to my wife and told her i was suspended for having drugs on me.i later told her the truth.then i went and sought out more porn and hid it in my harddrive.ive destroyed my porn collections lots of times, just to rebuild it. i think i took more pleasure in rebuilding it then i did getting rid of it.i know there is hope inside me. i used to be a closed off "tough" male.my wife started going to a life coach(which i was totally against). But soon i saw the positive changes in her and i now do life coaching periodiclly. the life coach has no idea about the porn though.i am stronger and more open now and in touch with feeling. i probably wouldnt be posting here if i hadnt have made some life changes already. i told my wife i have some kind of disfunction with porn and i dont know where its coming from.thats about all i can muster up to tell her. i feel to embarresed and guilty to speak anything real with her about the PA.
some questions-
my dad is a recovering SA, is that a place to start or am i passing blame?
i feel like starting down this road to recovery means a lot of judgements will be placed on me.is that normal to feel?
i'm in an enviroment where porn is second nature to have. any ideas on how to deal with that?
how do i talk to my wife about it?
whats wrong with me? i feel like im wasting away and theres nowhere to turn.i feel like im asking for pity, is that normal?
I'm 31 and have been feeling this way for two decades, why do i choose now to reach out?
Sorry to be so dramatic.-yackers

[kyle]

Yackers,

To start things off I want to say this. Like all my other initial posts, the words here are completely heartfelt. I have written several to new folks and I have the same intent behind each of them, but it is sometimes hard for me to get the words right. I have made this one that I send to the newcomers and want you to know that I mean everything written. I think John has a similar thing and I agree with him that These are sincere words to you and each new person here.

I first want to welcome you to the first day of your new life. I, and many others, will tell you that you have taken a HUGE first step in your goal of recovery. You have opened yourself up and allowed others to see and for many, that is the Hardest part of all. Truly admitting that you have a problem is big in starting your recovery.

I am glad that you have chosen to seek out help. I waited much too long, 20+ years, and it nearly destroyed my family. Congratulations on seeing this as a problem and taking the appropriate steps to break free.

As for me, I follow God. I know others here do not have the same beliefs as I, and they will be sharing with you as well. I follow my faith very closely now and have grown a lot because of that. I have begun a free on line course at www.settingcaptivesfree.com called the way of purity. This is a biblically based course that I have found extremely helpful with my recovery. there are several of us on this forum who I have seen are committed to this course and have been helped by it.

Secondly, there are several book that are very good reading and have excellent advise to follow. I am currently reading The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott . I have a couple more waiting in the wings to read; Facing your Giants by Max Lucado and a couple that are also marriage related. The seven principles for making Marriage work by John Gottman and The war Within by Robert Daniel. I have found these very helpful so far and look forward to picking up th next book to continue in the right direction.

Third I would suggest coming here often. I come here daily and read what others are going through and it helps me to see where I was, where I am and most importantly, where I am going. Focus is a key and maintaining that focus will carry me through.

Again I welcome you and wish you great successes in your recovery from this horrible sin that has plagued our lives.

God bless you and yours. Keep the faith my Brother,

[addict70]

Hey Yackers, I was you, one week ago. I made my first post here completely hopeless and lost. (and then a bunch of posts after that, I'm suprised nobody has told me to shut up yet) I'm on my first week clean. It's been rough going, but everyone here is in the same boat and cool as hell. I cant stop singing the praises of this place so far. Stick around and find your solution. I dont think it's exactly the same for everyone, but look through the posts and see what's working for other people. We can do it!

Also I'm glad to hear you're attacking this now, you're doing the right thing. Had I done the same I might not have ended up in divorce court. I'm just glad we never had kids to get in the middle of this mess. One week and I've already met people who have been a big inspiration to me, people who have reminded me of just how bad this can get, and people who have just cracked me up.

I dont think at 1 week I'm qualified to give answers to alot of your questions, because although I'm on a success high right now, I've never tackled my problem honestly enough to really know what goes into long term success for me. Though I think I'm on the right path now. For me it's all about keeping it simple and what works today. I tell myself "whatever it takes, just get through the day" It's been hard going, but for the first time I actually dont feel doubt in myself. I really feel like I've taken responsibility and I'm confident I can do this.

I do think it's normal to want pity, but I does'nt seem to me like that's what you're asking for. It sounds more like you're reaching out for help. What you'll get here is true understanding, but pity no. People here will call you out on your BS and that's great. That's exactly what we need. Beleive me I dont feel sorry for you, but I certainly dont feel high and mighty enough to judge you either. What I feel is empathy twards you. You understand what this is like and you're ready to do something about it. As I put it to someone else here I feel like brothers in arms with just about everyone on this board.

As far as being dramatic, guilty of that one, my posts especially the early ones are chock full of melodrama. That comes with being honest and human I think.

I'm guilty of amassing collections, destroying collections, amassing again too. I think it has something to do with that binge and purge cycle we get into. I've been seeing others own up to that one alot on here. You'll be amazed how many people here tell stories you can relate too. You're not alone.

Lets hear more about what your enviornment is like. Maybe some of the experienced guys here can shed some light into what changes you can make to deal with that.

One suggestion I think I can make without talking out my behind is start a journal here. This also on the advice of one of the guys here who's got alot of sober time under his belt. It's been a big help. It gives me a place I can let my thoughts out, and look back to see where I was and where I'm going. I've been writing in it every day and reading it repetedly. It's really helped me reach some level of clarity. That and I can be as melodramatic as I like on it. It's my journal. ;D

Stay strong and best wishes brother

[nrobinson]

One of the best things I've found since joining here is that there's plenty of people that sound like they're in the exact same situation as me. I'm 30, married, and had been hiding porn from my wife our whole relationship (almost 7 years.) Unlike Addict, I have two kids, and they may very well be the reason I'm NOT in divorce court right now. But he's right. Start a journal, get things out of your head and into the open somewhere, even if only on paper. I've been writing one for about a week now. It's only for me now, but someday, I may let my wife read it, just to see what I've been thinking, what I've been going through.

You've taken the most difficult first step. Just keeping on walking toward recovery. I've found that you really only need to want to recover. I've tried recovering plenty of times without having my heart and soul in it. You need to really want it to happen.

[yackers]

Thanks for the support people.

Day 1.5 and I'm still here. I say still like it's been along time. But this first day and a half feels like it's been a long time. Since I came forward and took ownership of my addiction, I feel as if I have been walking around in a glass bubble. The world around me is strangly magnified and distorted. Every where I walk I am finding myself strangly aware of the hammers of temptation waiting to burst my bubble. I use to think the hammer would just come at me and and I had no choice either way. Now I see that I would actually grab those temptations of my own will. It's lonely right now. I am walking on eggshells with my head mostly pointed to the ground, staring blankly around different temptations trying to just steer clear right now. I hope to one day(sooner then later) to be able to not have to steer clear of temptations and rather just keep myself out of the situation or just be able to say no and go on my merry way.

I have been married for over ten years and have a six year old. I told my wife. I told her everything. I told her I am an addict. She is very supportive, although I don't think she quit understands it. Which is fine. I told her that when I get settled here I want to do "covenant eyes". She wants to be involved in my recovery. I want her involved. To have her as my wife, I am blessed. I know that this recovery will make us grow together in ways I can never imagine. I am overseas right now and will be the better part of a year.(what a great opportunity for challenge and recovery?) I see pros and cons here. The pros: No TV triggers or shopping areas(P is not allowed here(how I got suspended)), not alot of walking triggers either(there are some, of course, but not like in the states)The cons:a big one first is boredom, lots of time to spend on the internet, seems almost everyone has a collection, not being near my wife.

It's a long tough road ahead and I doubt my conviction. My tools for battle right now are going to be: prayer, posting on this sight everyday, walking with my head down, reading, running, talking with my wife, coffee and cigs. I hope to gather bigger and better tools to controle this.

I am depressed and lonely, angry at myself, and doubtful. Yet, all of those things, I'm ok with. I feel those things and their very real, I think P was something I used to suppress all those feelings. Trust me I don't feel good, but I feel open and on my way.-yackers

[sawyer]

My tools for battle right now are going to be: prayer, posting on this sight everyday, walking with my head down, reading, running, talking with my wife, coffee and cigs. I hope to gather bigger and better tools to controle this.I am depressed and lonely, angry at myself, and doubtful. Yet, all of those things, I'm ok with.

Ah, my friend - your addict brain has it a little backwards. I too had the same reaction and did the same exact things. What you can't see now, is that depression, loneliness, being angry, and general irritation as you learn to cope with what you see in the world (i.e. that hammer) are the root cause of your addiction.

Many addicts when coming in, including me, blamed MB and porn on lack of sex with their wifes, high sex drive, and bad relationships. This is a symptom, not a cause.

As you start to delve into this and read more, or maybe even find a program, is that you work on peeling back the layers and dig up that anger, irritation, etc and find out why. Then you learn tools to cope with it and how to cope with everyday activity that would normally drive you nuts.

Like now, I learned when I have lust hits, to look at my day or week and see what scares me or pisses me off. Once identified I work with a sponsor to work through that problem - then the lust hit subsides.

I know this sounds like Greek right now, and to take steps forward into a program have to come from your own enlightened self interest that you can not do this on your own.

So for now, keep reading here and may I recommend "In the shadows of the net" by Patrick Carnes. He is pretty much the end all and be all knowledge source on Sexual addiction. His book will cover much about what you mention, show you causes, the progression of the disease, and next steps.

Good luck my friend.

Sawyer

[yackers]

i think sawyer has hit something very deep for me. its been three days without any p. i almost slipped about 15 hrs ago. day 1 i thought i deleted all my p from my laptop. i was rearanging my desktop icons when i noticed that my recycle bin was missing. i went to make a new shortcut, when i had accidently(or mabe intentionally) opened it to find that my collection folder was still in there. i stared it down for about 3 mins trying to rationalize why it would be ok. well, i ended up just closing the lid and grabbing my book to get my mind in a different place. it worked, for now. but i need to get a handle on this, i cant go running around life with my head down and my nose in a book the rest of my life. ive takin more steps then just telling my wife. i told other people that i have hurt. i went immediatly to my family. my mom, sister, and mother-in-law are all people ive hurt in one way or another, whether distancing myself or financial or just plain mean. my mother and sister contacted me right away and are completely supportive and in it with me. i think they understand the addiction because my father is a recovering SA. i didnt know that till well after they knew. as the youngest in the family they all tried to protect me from the family issues and dirty laundry, and im finding out more as i talk more in depth with them, and what theyve seen and dealt with. my mother-in-law is a different story. i have not heard back from her. she was the hardest to tell because as an addict herself("functioning" alcoholic) i dont think she will even touch on understanding my addiction or be supportive. thats why it was hard to tell her because i dont know if shell love me anymore. i dont blame her. i have hurt her. i wouldnt want to be with someone that hurt me either. all i can do is pray and hope that we can rebuild our relationship.i feel like my telling these people close to me about my addiction is somewhat futile. i feel like im trying to make an excuse for my actions and dismiss what ive done to them because im an addict. on the flip side i feel honest, not secretive, and in integrity.(very confusing place to be) please tell me those are the first stones in the path to recovery. my bones are starting to ache with frustration and anxiety. i am going to seek out a program to follow, to help me "peel back the layers" and like a real onion im sure their will be some tears involved when i start peeling. right now i feel lonely, angery, and in dispair. i will drudge on. im sick of this addiction and ive let it run me for way way way to long.

seeing that i have started journaling here, i will now abandon this thread and start my journal on the "journal" board. thanks for your support people.-luv and hugz