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Post by clamstrip on Dec 15, 2007 14:09:42 GMT -5
I feel like minime, I am 34 y/o married for almost 13 years w/3 kids. I have looked @ porn since my mid-teens my wife knows this we have been together since we were in H.S. Apparently my wife no longer likes me looking at it. We have a large difference of opinions about sex, mostly frequency. I guess I have always used it as a release. I MB more than I would like also. It just seems like I become a different person if I don't "get it". Which is the main reason for MB. By the way, she walked in on me looking @ porn while MB and we have not really talked in four days. I dunno what I am looking for here, but any help or suggestions would be great.
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Post by hugs4u002 on Dec 15, 2007 14:53:10 GMT -5
Clamstrip........you probably are a different person when you do 'get it' since that is the norm for you now, you feel differently and out of sorts when you don't 'get it' You didn't explain, are you arguing with your wife about the frequency of sex, are you arguing because she wants it more, or you? I would bet my last $20 it is because she wants it more. You have come to the right place......if you read the stories from the p/a AND
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Post by hugs4u002 on Dec 15, 2007 15:01:20 GMT -5
continued... their s/a's you will find many similarities to your situation. I imagine your sexuality has been hijacked and you have been brainwashed by porn. Please take the time to do some reading here since you are already at the point of arguing over this, you could be sliding down the slippery slope that leads to divorce.. You can beat this but it will take a lot of effort. It would probably help your wife as well to gain an understanding that this is not about sex, it is a chemical addiction, chemicals your own brain produces each time you masturbate. She is more than likely feeling rejected, not good enough, frustrated and you are baffled by what has happened to you.....you probably think porn is not bad, you are not 'messing around ' on your wife and why does she changed and take it so seriously? The answers and solutions can be found here and there are exercises on recoverynation.com to help you get through this...don't let this opportunity to save yourself, your marriage and your children slip away! p.s. since this is a recovery board, you may find people triggered by your name...clamstrip...I would think you should change it, we are not here to support your p brain, we are here to help people who want to change it.
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Post by truthorlie on Dec 15, 2007 16:57:49 GMT -5
It's true, clamstrip. The quantity of the amount of sex that a woman desires is USUALLY solely based on and is directly correlated to the respect, admiration, true desire above others from her own man, and connection that she feels with her partner. My exH used to think that I didnt want sex as much as him. Turns out that I probably had a higher sex drive than him - ANY GIVEN DAY. Problem was, who wants to be the "last team member picked" when the guy picking chooses p and everyday hotties walking the streets over his own woman. NO WOMAN WANTS TO FEEL LIKE A LEFTOVER or CONDOLENCE PRIZE. God, If I'm gonna give myself in that way to a man I want to feel like its me that he really wants, not my vagina and his mental fantasies of other women while he's doing me! If that was the case, we women would all want to be whores - then we would have our own homes and not have to take the man's (expletive) after he screwed us. But the fact is, they screw us (in disrespect) and then we are STUCK LIVING WITH THEM under the same roof so we can be told, over and over again, through words and actions what pieces of crap we really are! No longer the case for me. He's crap and there's no gettin' around that fact any longer. I'm not crap and I will never be mistaken for crap again - not by any MAN!
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Post by completelydone on Dec 15, 2007 17:14:25 GMT -5
I feel like minime, I am 34 y/o married for almost 13 years w/3 kids. I have looked @ porn since my mid-teens my wife knows this we have been together since we were in H.S. Apparently my wife no longer likes me looking at it. We have a large difference of opinions about sex, mostly frequency. I guess I have always used it as a release. I MB more than I would like also. It just seems like I become a different person if I don't "get it". Which is the main reason for MB. By the way, she walked in on me looking @ porn while MB and we have not really talked in four days. I dunno what I am looking for here, but any help or suggestions would be great. Here's a suggestion: Quit cheating on your wife or she will leave you. She's obviously sick of it.
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Post by clamstrip on Dec 18, 2007 21:49:48 GMT -5
Sorry about the name, it is one I go by around here. I do not / will not cheat on my wife and I am the one that wants it more. My "appetite" is fairly large, I could get it every other day and be a happy guy. My wife on the other hand can go months without and be fine.
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Post by jonas612 on Dec 19, 2007 0:47:44 GMT -5
Can I just ask why people feel the need to be completely rude and judgmental when someone new comes in? This man is clearly looking for advice and support, which is what this forum is for. So here's a suggestion: let's give the guy the help he needs instead of curt replies.
C, welcome. You have to understand that many of the SOs on this board, and to their credit with good merit, look at P as cheating or infidelity, as even though you are not in the physical presence of another acting out, you are indeed WATCHING another (reading, whatever your poision happens to be) and acting out based on it.
As for the wife not wanting it, I can tell you that, statistically, the chances are that it isn't true. Women statistically are more Rather, PA will oftentimes create within the SO a sense that the PA is choosing the P over the SO, which in the PA's mind may not be the case, but in reality, if you're being intimate with your SO once a month, and A/O once a day, then you've got to consider where you're laying your anchor.
You need to discuss this with your wife, first off. Sit down and really talk about it. Chances are, you're going to find out that it's not that she all of a sudden doesnt like you looking at it, she never did. If you love her like you seem to be saying (and I'm not doubting you do), you will kick this. Maybe it's not an addiction for you; in that case, just give it up. If you CAN'T though, come back here. Post on the board, read. Journal, join an accountability group.
I'm far from perfect (I slipped just today, havent even gotten to a week yet), but I'm trying to kick the habit, and I WILL kick the habit. Fortunately for me, my wife and I have a bond that is forever fused; unforuntately for us this is far down the list of the worst thing we've had to tackle during our relationship.
Read what some of the other SOs have to say, and be respectful (not saying you havent been). Whatever you do, just kick the habit, it'll be better for you AND? your family.
good luck -ed
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Post by completelydone on Dec 19, 2007 10:26:49 GMT -5
Sorry about the name, it is one I go by around here. I do not / will not cheat on my wife and I am the one that wants it more. My "appetite" is fairly large, I could get it every other day and be a happy guy. My wife on the other hand can go months without and be fine. All macho bologna, addict speak. You ARE a cheater. You cruise for other women to be sexual with. Doesn't matter that the physical act isn't there, the heart is. It will effect your wife the same way as if you were being physical because your heart is straying. Has nothing to do with your appetite. I'm not being rude, I'm calling it what it is so you'll quit living in denial. You can't change it if you don't face it. It's not about you male hormones, it's about your beliefs, your issues, your baggage, you fears. You can call it what you want, but I'm gonna call it what it is- cheating.
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Post by clamstrip on Dec 19, 2007 22:24:53 GMT -5
Thank you ed.
I am not here to be coddled nor am I here to be judged (fairly or not). I am here to seek some advice and maybe some suggestions from someone who might be in roughly the same situation I am in.
Completelydone, I see your point about cheating kind of, I have never looked at it that way so for that I thank you also. I don't know what happened in your case and I am not going to pry; however I am sorry that you were hurt as badly as you were. I am not coming here thinking I am free of guilt or blame but I almost pass on messages similar to yours simply because of their negativity. I am not some misogynist who lays the blame on someone else otherwise I would not be here. It is hard to draw something usefull from something devoid of anything positive. The fist thing that came to my mind after reading your post was "...fine I won't look at porn, I'll just pick up the first willing woman....." but I will mull it over in my head and pull something from your post.
Ed, back to you, I will talk to my wife with some new perspectives on it now and find out how she is feeling. I will come back regardless of the outcome just to keep informed, educated and free from porn.
Thanks to all who posted!!! C-Ya
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Post by cleverusername on Dec 20, 2007 2:00:21 GMT -5
Porn and masturbation -- while undeniably damaging and addictive for some of us -- is not, by definition, and in every case, equivalent to infidelity. That is my opinion. I state it as a counter to the strong opposing opinion which gets a great deal of air time on this board. I don't see the value in asserting personal experience or opinion as universal truth. There are shades of gray here, and shouting down people who suggest otherwise doesn't make that any less true. And while some people may respond to people who claim to know the One and Only Truth, that approach is not conducive to my recovery.
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vlngrl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by vlngrl on Dec 20, 2007 5:59:14 GMT -5
Another SO chiming in.
We are 32, and our intimate life dwindled down to pretty much nothing right before I discovered DH's p/mb addiction. I also, during that time, told him SEVERAL times that I wasn't in love with him anymore. (Actually, that makes me very sad, as we had been married for only 5 years). But there were reasons I had lost that lovin' feeling: overworked (quite literally, two jobs, nearly co-parenting of our child, more than half of all the household stuff, trying to maintain our marrige) while DH had a lighter load (part time job and co-parenting of our child). His idea of maintaining our marriage was flowers and a date once a year. When I clearly became much less of of priority for him (as unintentional as that may have been), our intimate life became much less of a priority for me.
You become a different person if you don't get it b/c you are likely addicted. I'm sure a drug addict who needs a fix acts differently than one that is high.
Sex addiction is not about sex (the kind, the quality, the quantity). It's about intimacy/communication, or the lack there of. It's a very poor coping mechanism to deal with the stressors of life. (When the going gets tough, you DO have choices to do other things..go for a bike ride, skiing, playing cards, whatever.) You also don't need sex to survive. You need food and water to survive.
My DH, like you, had been watching porn/mbing for half of his life. He didn't understand how it was affecting him until he became sober (9 months now). He tells me often it affected EVERY aspect of his life, which he didn't realize b/c being addiction to p/mb is all he ever knew.
As for your wife, perhaps she was too young (and dare I say dumb) to know what's really going on when she was younger. DH was my only long term relationship (we dated at age 21 for nearly 3 years and then were engaged for two before marriage). There were things in our intimate life that I didn't know weren't my fault, but instead due to DH's addiction. I didn't know any better, as honestly, DH being a SA NEVER crossed my mind. (Yes, he was very good at hiding it, until I found his stash.)
I also don't believe that DH's addiction is infidelity. I did think he did a poor job of living up to our marriage vows though (particularly since he married me knowing he had an addiction and yet didn't tell me. That doesn't speak to the "honor and respect" part.) However, for the first 10 year of our 11 years together, I always felt DH was on the verge of cheating on me. I never felt completely secure with him. After D-day, ALL of those feelings went away overnight.
As for my story, I gave DH the choice of either separation/divorce or seeing a counselor. His choice. (I gave him the phone # to call, requested to tell me when he called, and then dropped it.) DH admitted he tried stopping several times on his own but couldn't. That told me he needed help. I also didn't want our son to find his stuff, and to have two generations of sex addicts in our family. (That's not the legacy I want to have for my family). Interestingly, there have been other addictions on DH's side of the family, so there could be a bit of genetic component for my son. I personally don't think it's appropriate to raise children with a using addict. After researching for a bit, I knew that eventually his addiction WOULD escalate. I didn't want to wait around to see what that would mean for him.
Since DH is sober, we are now more connected that we've ever been. We can actually have productive conversations. We are both nurturing our relationship more. And, even though I now have a new baby, my desires for an intimate relationship are much higher than my DH's.
FWIW, I live in the same state as you. I don't want to disclose my city; send me a pm if you'd be interested in any resources (the name of DH's counselor-I do like him- or a list of when/where SA meetings are as well as COSA meetings.)
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Post by rockwell on Dec 20, 2007 16:39:16 GMT -5
editwat ucne unch
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Post by Webmaster on Dec 21, 2007 8:55:56 GMT -5
I also thought that I wanted "it" more than my wife did. Turns out my wife wanted more of something not entirely different but totally better. Something better than I could actually offer when I was stoned on porn. I'm lucky she stuck around to help me learn how to give that after I got sober.
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