Im Having Serious Guilt!!! NEED HELP!!

[pushed4time]

Could use some input from you all...

Viewing P has caused me to make some stupid mistakes and dwell sex. Here is the latest.

I am a religious guy play in my church band, father of 3, married for 10 yrs. I am having guilt about being out of town a few weeks ago( salesman) and met a lady in a bar and went back to her room in the hopes of getting her to MB while I watched. See I have been down this road before w/ other women and knew I couldnt have physical r'ship w. her b.c of all the guilt I would feel. I have had to tell my wife on 3 different occasions that I slipped up, while out of town, and had inappropriate contact with other women. I swore to her this last time that it wouldn't happen, and I meant it!!!1 But here I am again. To make a long story short, I did go to her room and she wanted me to spend the night but I didn't. I walked out and nothing really happened other than a few hugs and quick grope before I forced myself to leave.

But the thing is....I feel so guilty for having done that!!! I let myself down...I knew better and really had no intentions on doing anything other than watching but I know that is even too much. The truth is, I could have made it happen if I wanted too but I just couldnt do it. I ended up leaving. Do I need to tell my wife? If I do she will leave me, at least I would leave if I were her. She deserves better than what I give in this regard.

Should I tell her or chalk it up for experience and let this issue go and vow to avoid this situation forever??? Which I REALLY think I can do...This event has caused me to set stricter parameters for myself.

Any suggestions?

[megan11]

Tell her because she deserves to know. You cant make her choices for her (not telling her is not respecting her and choosing FOR her) and if you respect and love her at all, you will let her choose to stay or go. That is my opinion anyway.

[addict70]

megan11 said:

Tell her because she deserves to know. You cant make her choices for her (not telling her is not respecting her and choosing FOR her) and if you respect and love her at all, you will let her choose to stay or go. That is my opinion anyway.

Yeah, tell her. Unless you have some arrangment with your wife you should'nt even be meeting these women. Avoiding physical contact but engaging in these activities is cheating plain and simple just as much as if there was actual physical contact. It's a violation of your vows. There's no lawyering your way out of it. Own up to it, tell her, face the concequences. It's the only way to bring any sort of honesty out of this betrayal.

My 10 cents

[zerotolerance]

Tell her. It's not your place to distort her world view. She deserves the truth, and you deserve the guilt. The only way to not get the guilt is to stop engaging in the behavior, and atone for it, whether she stays or goes. So do it for YOU! Do it because it's the right thing to do! Do it for you wife! Or else you already know you'll just end up doing it again, and again, isn't that YOUR pattern? Break the pattern this time. Do something different and own up to it, and get help for it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's the only way that works imo. The truth is truth, and that's what you both need to be dealing with!

[reconstituting]

I think you did something wrong, but more important, you stopped youself doing anything worse. Don't tell her, don't beat yoursef up over it endlessly - just aim next time to avoid even starting.

[manic]

Hey Pushed4time,

I agree with other posters who said that you need to tell your wife, although you have to decide for yourself when you do this. I think you need to do another important thing as well - get outside help. Just promising yourself that this will be the last time is simply not going to work. Go to a psychologist/counselor/therapist/pastor/priest and discuss an action plan. And now is as good as any time to do that.

Good luck
Manic

[truthorlie]

Tell her and then go tell your therapist. Don't have one? Get one.
The best circumstance actually is to tell your wife while you are WITH your therapist. Any sexually related issue therapist that is worth a salt will prepare both of you for the disclosures and then work on them with you afterwards.

[hugs4u002]

Viewing P has caused me to make some stupid mistakes and dwell sex. Here is the latest.
I would leave if I were her.
These two comments tell me you are very selfish. You don't want to tell her for selfish reasons, well stop being selfish and tell your wife! She deserves to know the truth, she deserves to make decisions for herself, like........how long am I going to live in this hell with my H? How much more hurt can I live with ? P.S. she will reach her limit and become numb and immune to you, you will notice. She has but one life to live, allow her some time to be happy in this lifetime. I agree that kyou should seek the help of a couselor with this, I think your chances for a positive outcome are improved if you disclose with proffessional help. good luck and lots of love to your wife, she needs it

[ulysses]

I like Truthorlie's advice.

That said, I know that guilt is an engine that drives a nasty piece of machinery. Be conscious of your cycle. My cycle of guilt-remorse-despair-acting out-repeat combines with many other minor issue to make a thread that is difficult to break. Understanding and accountability may be some of the best tools against this. Your wife and your therapist can help.

U

[completelydone]

Guilt is a good thing. If you stop feeling guilty you've left the realm of humanity and joined the animal kingdom; or more acurately you've become a monster capable of anything.