one step forward, one back

[broonx1]

It's been a few weeks since I finally looked at myself for what I am. I have accepted it and I am working on breaking my addiction.

I have been listening to a subliminal cd, I have seen a therapist and am scheduled for my first hypnotherapy session. I have been feeling better about the fight. I feel slightly stronger yhat I can fight the addiction. I know its a long uphill battle that I am just learning to fight. I had been doing well. Then I guess I slipped along the way and broke my own rules.

I have been avoiding all triggers. My wife has been screening my e-mails. I have removed all bookmarks from my computers that could lead me to the bad places, I have trashed all adult materials within my possession and have been practicing different techniques when out in public with my wife and when alone to avoid ogling women the way I do. I am not perfect yet, but felt stronger in all my efforts that I am on my way to being who I need to be for the rest of my life.

Last night however, I broke MY OWN CODE. My wife has drawn her line and I have imposed stricter rules on myself than she. I was watching a seemingly innocent music video on the television. It was a Christmas remake by a cheesy rock band from the 80's. The video was typical for them, stupidly comical with bad music yet entertaining to watch. The video did contain a female, moderately clad, dancing about sporadically at first. I was focused on the band and the music and the general topic of the video. However as it progressed, the female became more of the focal point and her presence was clearly becoming more than just a presence but more of a sexual one. I did eventually turn it off but not soon enough. I should have stopped the on demand playback sooner than I did. I wasn't charged up or anything by the girl, yet her presence and the suggestive nature of her performance became more than I should have been watching based on my own set rules. I broke my own damn rules.

Today, there is a definite tension from my wife. She has set a zero tolerance level for this kind of activity. While I didn't actively seek out the girl in the video, while I didn't do it behind her back as she was off and on watching it with me... I failed to act accordingly when the time came. So I guess it should be considered a slip.

Yes I wasn't viewing "p" as many people define it. I haven't viewed "p" like that for a very long time. BUT, I have set levels for myself that include images like described above in the video as also being P and therefore inappropriate for me until I get hold of my addiction.

How do I avoid such images ? Must I turn off the television every time a music video shows a sexually charged image ? Must I turn my head and avoid looking at the screen during football games when the cheerleaders are being shown or a beer commercial accentuates the female form ? Must I avoid looking at the ads in the Sunday paper because of a lingerie sale ? I must... for now until I get a handle on what triggers me to stray further. I do not yet know what causes me to drift to specific internet sites. So abstainence for me is key. Last night, I wasn't expecting what I eventually saw, did turn it off after a time, but should have much sooner. I didn't and today I hate myself for it.

My wife seems to be patient and understanding to a degree about last night . I am thankful that she has not left. I am regretful that I broke her faith yet again. Though it wasn't sought out... when it was presented I didn't react quickly enough.

A QUESTION FOR RECOVERING PA'S.
Do you test yourself ? Do you place yourself in potentially dangerous situations to your recovery to see how you can handle it ? Ie an alcoholic walking past a liquor store situation. Was I testing myself ? I don't know. Was I tesing my own boundaries or was I testing hers ? I got nothing out of watching the woman on the tube. I did not get charged up or excited or anything over it... I did avoid looking at her through the video until it got to the point that it became solely about her, then I couldn't take it anymore and turned it off. Not because my wife said to, but because I chose to.

So ... I slipped in some way... didn't want to slip at all... but I guess I did. Slipped up in my own rules that I has set up for myself. My wife realizes that TV happens and that I wasn't watching a sexy video featuring strippers dancing on poles. I was watching a Christmas parody video that, unfortunately... when it degraded into what it did... I didn't turn off soon enough.

I hate myself today.
I feel like I took a step backward with my own recovery as well as with OUR recovery. At least she is still here to see that I will double my efforts to beat ALL of my addiction and toe the line to ALL my self imposed rules as well as hers. She is worth it, I am worth it, WE ARE WORTH IT.

I will beat this. I know am stronger than I displayed last night.

[breakingfree]

Broonx,
At most it is one step forward, stub your toe, next step forward.

I was watching a seemingly innocent music video on the television

. About two days ago I found myself waiting for a (expletive)ing Christmas commercial to repeat because of one of females in it-how sick is that? When it came on after that I changed channels or looked away.

Yes I wasn't viewing "p" as many people define it. I haven't viewed "p" like that for a very long time. BUT, I have set levels for myself that include images like described above in the video as also being P and therefore inappropriate for me until I get hold of my addiction

absolutely agree and you are doing everything right. It isn't P but they are TRIGGERS. I have said it several times, I have trouble with the MSN home page because of an occasional picture there, nothing very revealing, doesn't matter. I once went on a two month binge, that started with me viewing a girl in a swimsuit then googling girls in swimsuits and and off I went.

How do I avoid such images ? Must I turn off the television every time a music video shows a sexually charged image ? Must I turn my head and avoid looking at the screen during football games when the cheerleaders are being shown or a beer commercial accentuates the female form ? Must I avoid looking at the ads in the Sunday paper because of a lingerie sale ? I must

Yup, me too. It is really (expletive)ed up, i picked up the mail the other day, was sorting through it and saw a Victoria Secret catalog(my adult daughters) couldn't throw that sucker down FAST enough on the table with the rest of the mail on top of it.

A QUESTION FOR RECOVERING PA'S.
Do you test yourself ? Do you place yourself in potentially dangerous situations to your recovery to see how you can handle it

NO NEVER, EVER, EVER, NO What's the point I test and win which just reinforces the need to keep testing until I fail OR I test and fail and have failed. Same result- failure

How do I avoid such images

I have learned to watch TV with remote in one hand, or within grasp, hint of a trigger, BANG, change channel. If i find I start getting pulled into something I visualize the word

STOP

IN HUGE red letters and then take appropriate action (look away, etc) and yes I do this ALL THE TIME in public.

Sounds like you are on track, aware of triggers an d have coping strategies in place. Congratulate yourself for having a well equipped recovery tool box and the will to use the tools when necessary..bf

[ethanm]

I have had to de-program certain channels because of their content, and past a certain hour I avoid certain channels. The world is "Sex Sells!" so expect to get bombarded, but don't let your guard down. You want to move towards a pure sexual intimacy with your wife, so youhave to prove to her something as stupid as a TV set or a computer can't turn you on. Its two-dimensional, and you are committed to breaking free of being turned on suggestively by things that aren't real. Even "real" women aren't real, your sexual history with anyone you aren't married to takes place in your head.

[iambetrayed]

Hey broonx1 -

I hope you don't mind a word from an SO. It sounds like you are doing really well and I am sure that your wife is proud of you.

My husband is doing great ( we've been at this for 11 weeks) - and yes, he censors himself on everything. Lets face it, there is s3x everywhere, and at least for right now you are absolutely doing the right thing to avoid it at all costs.

I have read that there are men who truly recover who eventually are not so affected by the more "minor" stuff - commercials and the like. I hope and pray that one day my husband will get to that point. But for right now - it is way better to avoid everything that has even the slightest chance of becoming a trigger than to take the risk of being "set off".

And heres a little tip for you - if your wife sees you turning away from this stuff - even the mild stuff - in an attempt to really get rid of these actions, she will get more and more confidence in you (it will take a long time - I feel like I am trying to fill a dry river bed with an eye dropper - everything that he does right adds another drop into the river - and someday when it trickles, and then flows again I may be able to trust him and feel safe again).

So don't be too hard on yourself - you are still new at this - you recognize what needs to be done. I know that no twenty year old music video and any half naked women in it are in any way worth what you would give up if you continue to betray your wife. You are doing such a great thing by being honest with her. As an SO, I say - avoid that cr*p at all costs! Get yourself some CDs ofthe music you like if the videos have any chance of causing a problem

Also - I don't know if you are on Recovery Nation - but check it out if you haven't already. It is a free online workshop that does wonders for men who really want to change. There are also parts there for Partners, if your wife is interested.

Good Luck to you - it sounds like you are on a really good road with this!

[zerotolerance]

I thought it was interesting that you called it not p, but then you called it p too, having put it on your own list of no-no's. So which is it? I already know it's p, if you are using it like p, which you were. So if music videos, or cheerleaders, or any scantily clad images of women are p to you, or start you on the slippery slope down, then you would have to stay away from ALL of it imo. And testing yourself sounds like a bad idea to me, it sounds more like looking for a reason to use. Or maybe it seems like you're hanging onto the idea that at some point you could/would enjoy watching women displayed as sex objects again, IF it didn't trigger you to otherwise act out. You need to want to give it up for good, not wanting to be able to use it in a "lesser way" per se. Rewinding and replaying is definately acting out imo.
However, that said, there is a huge difference in noticing something put before our face, and in "seeking" out something to see specifically for it's arousal value. You don't have any control over whether they show cheerleaders while you're watching football per se, but you can choose to look away when they do, rather than stare, hoping they show something more "to see". The constant scanning for women, in tv, or in person, or in p, with the hopes of them showing a p shot view, is one of the most horrid elements of this filth. It's objectification in action, and it's wrong.

[broonx1]

I am so glad I found this forum. Going through this alone like I was, fooling myself that I could fix this on my own was wrong. I feel like an idiot for thinking I was SUPERMAN and could leap that tall building. I finally realized that it was one step, one floor at a time with a little help from anyone who cares to give it.

Thank you yo all the replies to all posts here. It is very helpful to me to know of others feelings, successes, failures and the like. I also appreciate the views of SO's to know how maybe my wife could be feeling though she may not have said so yet.

We are being open and honest about everything with this. We figure what have we got to lose. Recently we fought about why I hadn't talked about it with her for a weekend. I thought we just needed a break from "it". Not a break from working on it, but from yakking so much about it. I thought we were feeling consumed by it and that we were becoming all about it, and just needed a break. Well... right now we are IT. It is too new. It shouldn't be back burnered, or shelved at all. I hate who I am and am very embarrassed by it, but I should be open and honest about my feelings right now with my SO so she feels how I am feeling good or bad. I thought I was apologizing to much. I wasn't enough and can't enough.

Testing does seem like a bad idea for the reasons you described breaking free. I guess getting a passing grade just comes after days / weeks / years / eternities of not doing any part of the addictive behavior. I agree that testing ones self would only be destructive. No tests for me. Only positive reactions to the negative situations that randomly confront me.

S T O P with big red "X" across the offending image. I will employ that. I will also avoid the potentially hazardous world of music videos. I will also block the potentially offending stations like pay cable channels for the time being. I feel that eventually once I learn my triggers, whether conscious or subconscious ones i will be able to handle the random issues that are impossible to avoid... like the VS ads or catalogs in the mail. I will be strong enough some day to handle the random pop-up issues. For a long time coming the S T O P and my big red "X" will be put into motion. EVERYWHERE too not just the computer or the tele, but in day to day situations as well.

I hate that "sex sells" not that I realize I and so many others have a problem with it. Advertising feeds our behaviors. Why is it necessary to have a bikini model holding a muffler in a car magazine ? Why is it necessary to have a blond in tight clothes selling a metal shelving rack on a web site ? Why is it necessary to focus on the backsides of people walking down the street in a snow storm on the news ? I know... MONEY. It makes the world go round and men are weak to the temptation to drool over the images displayed before us and will possibly coerce us into going and buying that high performance muffler for our 2003 Dodge Caravan. I HATE ALL ADVERTS !!! SO the big red S T O P it is for me.

The eye dropper to fill the river bed. A great analogy. My SO may have used that or perhaps I read it here. I don't know, but I'm glad to hear it again. This time it stuck. It's hard as the PA to fully understand where she is coming from in the recovery process. She thinks I think she should just get over it. No, I don;t think that, and now with that analogy swimming about in my brain again... I can better understand here she is coming from and know that it will take a very very long time to get that trickle flowing again and maybe someday into the raging torrent it was. My SO is truly a saint for putting up with my denial and lack of real positive action against this addiction. I am very lucky to have her and will keep her by my side by beating PA once and for all. She deserves more of a man than I have been for a long, long time. I will give her that.

I know I have confused myself and now others by calling things P and not P. I am sorry for any confusion. I only recently defined P for what it really is and how it affects me. Do I believe my definition every minute of every day ? getting there. It's hard to define the VS catalog as P, or the music video as P, or the scantily clad mannequin in the store window as P. or the cheerleader calendar or the focus on the butts in a snowstorm on the news as P, but it is what it is. It is a specifically designed image to trigger a sexual response. I hate it all, I am working harder every day to realize all the triggers and to avoid as many of them as I can at all costs. Someday I will be stronger and will know that the random triggers won't cause me to slip or fail.

For now.... and thank you again for the idea... like the one in the "10 KEYS" ... I will add it to my took kit of life

X S T O P X

[broonx1]

Also... to iambetrayed.... my SO is beginning on stage 2 of Recovery nation. I am beginning it this weekend. My reasons for not joining right when she did ? To many other irons in the fire with just learning the PA battle. Didn't want to pull all my weapons and ammo at once to fight the beast so to speak. Now that I have a handle on who I am and what I need to do, I can select the correct weapons to wield against this fiendish foe.

Thank You for the info all the same though.

[truthorlie]

You are correct about turning things off or looking away at the appropriate time. And this is very important for you to understand....
You wife cannot and will not follow you around the rest of your life "disciplining, nor correcting" your behavior for YOU. That's YOUR responsiblity. If you are in a place that you cannot properly assume that REPSONSIBLITY for YOURSELF that should be one of your focuses right now. It's not good enough to know that you "should've" - and it's not good enough when you DO look away - it's only good enough when YOU come to realize in your own head that it no longer matters what any (expletive) on tv is doing to strut herself and entice men to drool. When you reach THAT POINT in life, when it no longer matters, because your needs (what YOU decide you need and want in your life) are being met, then you will know. And marriage CAN and should fulfill most all of your needs in life, save for a few, and IS NOT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF ALL OF THE HOTTIES IN THE WORLD to satisfy these needs for you. If you need a woman who is hot, and in great shape, and sexy, and [insert your own descriptor here], then you need to order a life-sized barbie doll off of the internet. Because having a relationship is not about completing an order or a shopping list or a checklist. It is about 2 people meeting in the middle, making compromises so BOTH of the majority of their needs are met, and respecting each other to strengthen that relationship and thereby commit fully. Intimacy is the result. Keep salivating over women on tv, at work, and on the streets - you certainly will never find intimacy in any of those places or people. Best of luck and I wish you well.

And do realize this - the woman whose mouth once salivated over you for being YOU, well her mouth will eventually get "dry" and she may yearn for another or just time without YOU. SO's get tired of carrying your burdens - and that's what an addiction is - a burden - to the relationship, to the family, to the kids, to the future. It's a heavier weight for the SO to balance than the addict - I never had an orgasm over my exH porning - he did. All I got was no sex - not quite the reward that I had anticipated when I married him - just a heavy burden of what he was making the rest of us carry/suffer for.