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Post by hoosier on Dec 13, 2007 0:54:00 GMT -5
Well its been awhile now hasn't it. I bet its been at least two weeks since I have written on this board. I thought I'd touch base as many of you on here really helped me get my head in a good place while the rougher days were hitting. I have been doing really well battling the porn addiction thing. It may be over 30 days now.. I stopped counting a couple weeks ago. Although I still catch myself admiring a pretty woman at times I havent logged onto a porn site or MB at all since that day i found my wife left. I really honestly amputated that part of my life through God. I know that many of you will say "Yeah right Hoosier".... but for me it has worked. I have reason to believe that if I keep faithfully turning to God with this that he will continue to grant me his healing grace. My wife is not coming back. I believe that she went too far for her to even come back if she wanted to. I know longer believe that her leaving was all about me and the porn. I believe that it was a major contributing factor but I also know that my wife is Bipolar and things really began changing when she went to different meds at the end of our time together. I am now a man of faith and althouh in many ways it was painful I think God used his will to change many things simultaneousely. My wife has battled depression from long before she ever met me. Eventually as the glimmer of our romance disappeared and she began to focus on the glimmer of romance in other peoples new found loves she began to get deeply depressed. At that time i believe she had and affair and knew i was going o figure it out. I don't think my wife is ever really going to be able to carry out a long term relationship as this pattern has happened in every relationship and marriage that she has had so far. At this point, she never has been able to confront it and every 6 or 7 years she tries to reinvent herself. I guess i was lucky or it was God's will that we never did have a baby. Anyway, I have secured an attorney and I am ready to go ahead and take steps forward as my wife still does not contact me. She has financial responsibilities that she needs to keep up on and "new life" or not I have to take care of my son's and my best interests. That part is painful but true. I do not have the financial means of waiting around while she discovers who she is as a woman. Anyway thats where I am today. Not great but not bad.. Tommorrow is still a mystery but God has shown me to appreciate that and stop trying to control my life. He's got it.
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 13, 2007 8:45:07 GMT -5
Hossier, are you asking for comments or are you just updating?
If you are, I would like to comment. If you're just "updating", I just say, "You are heard."
Mo
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nina
Full Member
trying to forgive and heal
Posts: 126
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Post by nina on Dec 13, 2007 9:03:26 GMT -5
My wife is not coming back. I believe that she went too far for her to even come back if she wanted to. I know longer believe that her leaving was all about me and the porn. I believe that it was a major contributing factor but I also know that my wife is Bipolar and things really began changing when she went to different meds at the end of our time together. what do you mean when you say that 'she went too far'? because if it means what I think you're intending it to mean, then it is my opinion that she's not coming back because YOU were the one that went 'too far' with your use of porn. I'd also like to know how you think her being 'bipolar' has anything whatsoever to do with your porn addiction? if her behavior was the same as before you started using porn in your marriage, then I would probably conclude that it was her being bipolar that had something to do with her leaving you. however - if her behavior was normal and loving towards you and it only changed after you began using porn (and wouldn't stop using it), then it's my opinion that your continued use of it might've been the main thing that sent her spiraling down the depression slope. didn't you also mention in earlier postings that her 'behavior' only changed about a year ago? and you guys have been married much longer than a year, am I correct? just thinking outloud here. anyway, thanks for the update and for being honest about your feelings regarding your situation. as long as you've learned from this experience and will let it help keep you 'in check' as far as your porn addiction is concerned, then it wasn't all for naught.
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Post by SouthernGuy on Dec 13, 2007 10:08:28 GMT -5
Hoosier, Thanks for the update on your situation. I cannot imagine what you are experiencing right now, and I sincerely hope you can hold on to your sanity through it all. It's obvious to me that there is more in your situation than I have read in your posts up to now: Eventually as the glimmer of our romance disappeared and she began to focus on the glimmer of romance in other peoples new found loves she began to get deeply depressed. At that time i believe she had and affair and knew i was going o figure it out. I don't think my wife is ever really going to be able to carry out a long term relationship as this pattern has happened in every relationship and marriage that she has had so far. I suspect that you are going through a rollercoaster of emotions as you come to grips with the end of your marriage. Please know that we care and want the best for you. Life can be hard at times, sometimes from our own choices and sometimes not, but as we live each day the best we can we will see the Lord's hand in our lives and will become the MEN we are capable of. Take care, SG
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Post by ethanm on Dec 13, 2007 10:15:50 GMT -5
Hoosier, I won't judge you, and I have no idea what held your marriage together or broke it down, but there aren't usually as many villans and good guys in a divorce 5 years before and after it happens. You say you have a son, did you have a previous relationship that ended similarly? I think right now, since you have the household to take care of and your son, your best mental state is important, but heed a little caution; give your addiction the credit it deserves for deconstructing your marriage. History is doomed to repeat if we do not learn from our mistakes, and I can tell you now the rockiest parts of my marriage would not have been so rocky if I had not sealed myself off with P, MB, and the wall of lies to keep it in.
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Post by hugs4u002 on Dec 13, 2007 14:41:36 GMT -5
Hi Hoosier,
Thanks for stopping in and sorry to hear about your wife. I am sure your next relationship will be better for you.
hugs from hugs
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Post by hoosier on Dec 13, 2007 19:59:28 GMT -5
There is no doubt that my relationships will be better from here on out. I will tell you I am not looking for a romantic realtionship at this time. I havent even been served nor have my papers been filed. Recovery and learning my place in Christ is my focus. i will tell you that EVERY one of my current platonic (sp?) relationships have improved vastlly since I dragged this into the light. I am once again friends with at least two people at work who hadn't talked to me in years. The people that remained friends with me throughtout are really diggin the new me. Wife or no wife...life has improved.. I HAVE IMPROVED. I am beginning to BELIEVE that I have value and I am seeing the value in others as well.. I really think the next lucky lady will really be a lucky lady.
Now miss Nina. If I implied that my wives depression had anything to do with my addiction than I miscommunicated again. My wife was a manically depressed far before i ever met her. What I meant to say was that my addiction was'nt the ONLY reason she left. She has left at least two other relationships once 1. She could no longer satiate the depression with money. (the well ran dry) In our case she ate up a HUGE chunk of my inheritance and I finally said NO MORE! 2. The glimmer of new found love or the attention of a wealthier man became to irresistable for her. In our case, the lack of intimacy (casued by my addiction) combined with both of the above scenarios pushed her to take such a drastic step. None justify the other.. The damage is too deep for me to even WANT this marriage back. I take the blame for what I did .. She will never be able to admit her portion of the blame. This was a toxic marriage. I firmly believe I am going to heal into something far more valuable. It is she that is still deep in denial.
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Post by hugs4u002 on Dec 15, 2007 11:05:10 GMT -5
I believe there are different kinds of women just as there are different kinds of men........I think some women use men for money and some men use women for sex. The common denominator is greed. Greed for money and greed for sex. I believe healthy people are those that don't have problems with greed. Greed destroys your soul. Hoosier as you become healthy you may find yourself better off with women that are not greedy and using you. That is what healthy love is, giving, not taking.
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nina
Full Member
trying to forgive and heal
Posts: 126
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Post by nina on Dec 15, 2007 15:13:33 GMT -5
Now miss Nina. If I implied that my wives depression had anything to do with my addiction than I miscommunicated again. My wife was a manically depressed far before i ever met her. What I meant to say was that my addiction was'nt the ONLY reason she left. She has left at least two other relationships once 1. She could no longer satiate the depression with money. (the well ran dry) In our case she ate up a HUGE chunk of my inheritance and I finally said NO MORE! 2. The glimmer of new found love or the attention of a wealthier man became to irresistable for her. In our case, the lack of intimacy (casued by my addiction) combined with both of the above scenarios pushed her to take such a drastic step. None justify the other.. your porn use might've not been the 'only' reason she left, but it seems to me that the lack of intimacy created by your use of it could've contributed to her pre-existing state of depression and could've pushed her into exiting out of the marriage. the question that just came to my mind regarding your situation was, "if hoosier had never used porn during the entire course of their marriage and had the sexual intimacy with his wife that was healthy and loving, would his wife have left him?" may I ask what you think 'her portion of the blame' is for the end of the marriage? so....you think she's the one who still is in 'deep denial' but you don't think you are also? have you considered the possibility that in spite of her bipolar condition, that maybe...just maybe, it was your pornography addiction that might have sunk her into an even deeper state of depression (along with her feeling physically inadequate and lonely)? I'm getting the feeling that because of her pre-existing state of depression, you feel that this is and should be included as part of the reason this marriage has ended - as if you feel her being bipolar is something she should own up to as the other main reason she chose to end the marriage...am I correct in my assumption? if not, I apologize in advance for interpreting your post the wrong way.
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