|
|
Post by hlpneedd on Dec 13, 2007 0:06:41 GMT -5
Today I'm feeling down about things. It's been a few days since I quit looking at P and MB. However, today I'm feeling really down..I should be happy that I haven't looked at any P and MB but I'm more focused on the fact that I do not have a woman that loves me or is there for me. I see quite a few of you have a W or SO and I think to myself..that must be nice. It must be nice to have that someone that you love and that loves you back. I'm sure it's nice to have that someone that you at least have a chance to have S with. Yeah I realize that having a SO or a W does not means that you have S all the time or whenever you want to. But to have her there and to have her as a companion seems like it would be nice. Part of me thinks that some of you people with SOs or Ws have nothing to complain about at all.
I realize that it's doesn't make it any better that you or your SO looks at the P but, at least you have that person there. I look at myself and I think..if only I could find that woman "her" I could at least know that I have someone and then I can stop searching. Perhaps I could be secure in knowing that I have a W or SO that loves me.
I'm struggling today because I'm lonely and I'm feeling a bit vulnerable to Ps temptation right now. For me the P and MB has sustained me during times like these. Now I don't even have that. So I have no W or SO and now I don't have that which has sustained me meaning P and MB. I have nothing! I'm feeling desperate and lonely. I almost wish there was a gentlemans club near by but, I guess that would be the same thing. I'm not even horny as odd as that seems. I'm just frustrated and sad that I have no idea of what to do to be what it takes to be what the women of this world are wanting or are looking for. It's hard to find someone feeling the way i do now too because who wants a poor sap of a man who is depressed and depressing to be around. I'm sorry if this is depressing and whiney of me but at this point it's all i feel I have.
|
|
|
|
Post by BlackSpiral on Dec 13, 2007 1:39:45 GMT -5
It's typical to feel this way, I think. Most of us use to cope with some kind of emotional stress or pain, and when we stop using, we find ourselves without our familiar crutch; we don't have that thing to lean back on, to support us, that we've grown very accustomed to. Resentment is probably quite common, too - to look at other people, what they have that we don't that would somehow make everything easier, and to believe they're getting off lightly.
It highlights beautifully one of the necessary steps of recovery; learning to cope with our own situations and stresses in a healthy way. In your case, you look at loneliness and then feel that porn, or a so-called "gentlemen's club" (gotta love the way they dumped the name "strip club" to make men feel better about going in there, eh?), or some other kind of sex, is the whole solution to it.
Of course, it isn't. Like everything else, all it does is put it out of your mind for a while - tomorrow, whether you looked at porn, went to the club, hired a hooker or whatever, you'll be just as lonely as you were today. And that's the problem, and one thing that makes this addiction identical in many ways to others.
It's not about sex. It seems like it is, I know, but it's not. It's all about feeling better, albeit temporarily. It could be alcohol, or drugs, or videogames, or shopping, or any number of other things too; anything to make you forget the feeling of being lonely. All of them might make you feel better for a while; none of them would really do anything to resolve the issue.
You're not alone in wishing that you had a partner; but if you don't resolve this, I fear you'll also not be alone in discovering that having one doesn't solve the problems. I've seen often enough the tale here, of a single guy who was addicted and believed finding a partner would be what he needed to quit. Then, he found one - quit for a short while, then ended up back in it, and thought that maybe marriage would be the thing, the whole emotional commitment. And when that didn't work, he'd think - hey, maybe when I have kids that'll help me to quit.
They end up with kids, and acting out. And then some of them get caught, and see their wife and kids walk out on them, leaving them alone again with their porn for solace.
The fact is, recovery has to come from within; there's nothing external that can force you to recover, or that will magically make recovery happen without any difficulty or struggle. And there's never a "perfect time" to quit, either, because every person who's addicted is using their addiction as a crutch - they all feel like they need it, and when they cast it aside, they all feel lost, desperate, confused, missing something vital in their life. Because, whether they want to admit it or not, that's what they made their addiction into - a vital piece of their life's jigsaw, something that was important to them, even when they resented or hated it.
Finding the healthy way to replace that jigsaw piece is incredibly important; because if you just leave it open, it'll continue to sit there like an open hole. And the addiction was fulfilling a purpose, providing for an emotional need; and refusing to supply it won't make the need simply vanish. You just need to ditch the unhealthy, and turn to finding something healthy to fill that gap instead.
Look inside yourself; as deeply as you have to, even look through the obvious and what you believe, and see what it is that is missing, what need is not being fulfilled - it may be what you think, or it may be something else. It may even be more than one thing; it could be that (for example) you feel some kind of emotional stress, which makes you want support, and it's that lack of support that then provokes the sense of loneliness. It may not be as simple as it seems at first.
But when you find the roots, when you find what is there underneath and driving this need, ask yourself - what healthy things could satisfy it, rather than returning to the addiction or something similar to it?
It won't fix the problem overnight; but if you can find a way to supply that emotional need, then you will rob the addiction of one of its strongest weapons, one that would continue to drive you to want to go back to it.
|
|
|
|
Post by megan11 on Dec 13, 2007 6:04:58 GMT -5
I dont know if this is ok to suggest here but i will anyway. If you are feeling depressed because you dont have an SO or W, please go read the partners forum. You should IMO be very happy and feeling great due to that fact that you have realized that you have a problem (P/MB) and you want to take care of it BEFORE you drag an SO or W into it with you. I think you will get a very good glimps into the SO world by reading the partners forum and if anything that should motivate you even more to become healthy for the SO in your future.
There is no man who would WANT to cause thier SO so much pain but in the land of SA with an SO there is much, much pain for both.
BlackSpiral has some awesome advice as far as ways to stay away from the dreaded P/MB. Its not easy but it is very well worth it for yourself and your future SO.
I hope you continue the good fight to becoming healthy and keep posting, we are all here for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by hlpneedd on Dec 13, 2007 6:21:55 GMT -5
Thank you Megan and Blackspiral...your comments mean so much to me:) I appreciate your compassion and care and all of your thoughts:) God Bless you both:)
|
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Dec 13, 2007 9:04:36 GMT -5
If the loneliness has been one of the triggers that has driven you to porn/mb in the past - possibly your "inner addict" is trying to force you back into that behavior once again?
Could you be starting in porn/mb brain-chemical withdrawal? I've read that can be an emotionally and possibly physically difficult time. This, too, shall pass.
I think it's awesome that you've chosen to give up porn/mb for you - that shows a real strength of character, in my opinion.
Maybe instead of looking for a special g/f as a potential future mate, possibly you could use the time you use to porn to get involved in something you enjoy - often doing things like joining a gardening club, political group, religious group, sports group, whatever might interest you; helps us create healthy friendships that can lead towards finding Mrs. Right -- or at least increases our circle of friends so we don't feel so lonely.
LookingUp
|
|
|
|
Post by ethanm on Dec 13, 2007 10:09:13 GMT -5
I have a wonderful, beutiful SO, and my only regret is not getting rid of this terrible habit before I met her. The best thing you can do for your situation is learn how to enjoy life without the P/MB crutch, and eventually you will find yourself a much more attractive target for good women. I know of a few guys stuck in mediocre to bad relationships that only stay because they get all the sexual fantasy life they want from their female. They are controlled, belittled, and taken advantage of but feel that sexually, a woman who lets them run around satisfying whatever urge whenever is the utmost accomplishment of a man. What a pity.
Know real love, kick the habit.
|
|
|
|
Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 13, 2007 10:20:09 GMT -5
My "habit" was halted before H & I moved in together. My H's has continued all the way through in one form or another. His behaviors through this marriage have caused far more damage to my soul than anything I did to it myself before I married him... or even met him.
Get right before hand. That is one of the most loving things you could ever do for anyone in your life.
|
|
|
|
Post by ethanm on Dec 13, 2007 10:24:00 GMT -5
Plus 1 Mo!
Open recovery will NOT mar you to her eyes if you find the one who really loves you, but entering a relationship expecting to be able to lie, cheat and keep secrets won't get you the kind of bonding you seek.
|
|
|
|
Post by MrOuch on Dec 13, 2007 10:38:57 GMT -5
Couldn't agree more with this. Once you're pure and clean, your inner peace will be an attractor. The most attractive people IMO are those with a sparkle that comes from within. There's a certain confident acceptance of themselves that you can sense, and you know this is someone with much to offer the world. P and MB just wear you out over time and darken your soul. When I was consumed by my addiction, my light didn't sparkle. Instead, my light slowly dimmed to nearly nothing. Get rid of P and MB. Focus on growing your light. This is the best thing for you and the best thing for everyone who loves you.
Be well today.
MrOuch
|
|
|
|
Post by nrobinson on Dec 13, 2007 13:18:27 GMT -5
Everyone's advice in this thread is right on the money.
I'm dealing right now with the repercussions of lying to my wife of 5 years for the duration of our entire relationship. To see the pain and sadness I've caused her makes me hate myself for not addressing this issue years ago. I wouldn't wish this situation (being either a PA or SO) on anyone.
I have an SO, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm trying to kick my habit AND save my marriage at the same time.
|
|
|
|
Post by hugs4u002 on Dec 13, 2007 14:06:58 GMT -5
I agree with all the other posts here......you must get a handle on this addiction BEFORE you enter into a relationship, you can't truly love someone or make good decisions in a partner with the influence of P in your life. Your motivations for wanting a relationship are all wrong, you want to know what a relationship can do for you, not what love you have to offer someone. I would guess that your selection in a mate will also be heavily influenced by her physicality, in other words you will be to heavily interested in a good lucking female instead of weighing in important factors such as honesty, loving and nurturing nature, and willingness to give. Here is another thing to consider...what if you found that special someone and did not have a handle on this, what would happen if you lost her because of this?
|
|
