Porn may have destroyed my marriage

[nrobinson]

Hello. I'm new to the board last night. I came here as a result of a confrontation from my wife. She told me five years ago that she didn't like porn and didn't like me looking at it. I didn't take her seriously. She told me one year ago that she didn't like porn and didn't like me looking at it. I didn't take her seriously. She told me last night and I finally realized that I have a problem. It may be too late.

She just called me today to tell me that she's tired of the lies and the feelings of neglect. She told me she doesn't want me anymore. She told me she doesn't believe anything I tell her regarding this subject. She doesn't believe that I find her attractive or than I even love her.

I don't know about the demographics of those addicted to porn. I don't know if most PAs are married, single, divorced, etc. If you're still married, please do something about it. I wish I would have taken this more seriously when I still may have had a chance to save my marriage. I fear it may now be too late. I know I can overcome my addiction and it will help me, but it may not matter to those close to me.

Please don't let it be too late for you.

[ethanm]

I think I pulled all the straw off the camel exactly one straw before the back broke. Good luck to you, I think our SO's have a tremendous amount of strength to live with us until we hit rock bottom, but when they lose hope, they will let go. My wonderful wife spent my early recovery researching attorneys, child support, and apartments, and when she saw that my determination was unrelenting, my life wide open, and the man she fell in love with wasn't just an illusion, we sat down and set our boundaries.

It can be done, it isn't easy, and you must gather all your strength, willpower, and determination for yourself. Gather your humility, respect, love and honesty for your wife. Make a plan and stick to it, account for all situations you may act out. There are lots of plans posted here, I recommend piecing together something that will work for you. Read up, know thy enemy.


The question to ask yourself is, are you willing to fight for her and can you handle whatever she throws at you? Gaining back trust and delivering on the great marriage you both want is like climbing Mt. Everest. You both get placed on top on your wedding day, but as you fall down over the years, she won't be interested in making the climb back up, you will have to carry her when she lets you. The climb back is always twice as long as the fall down. I have been married for 5 years, and learned the full scope of my problem a year ago, and have been in constant no-slip recovery for 170 days.

Theres bad times, where I have bore the full fury of a woman scorned even when I have been completely honest and model husband early on, but with every 2 steps forward and one back, theres progress. Probably a few more years of living by example to earn her back near 100%, but to me, it is worth it. Is your wife worth it to you?

[zerotolerance]

Porn didn't destroy your marriage. I know that it is a figure of speach, but it also doesn't put the accountability in the right place where it belongs. That won't help you recover imo. YOU destroyed your marriage, by YOUR choice to choose p&mb, over your marriage, over your wife, over you family, over and over and over. YOU chose to p/mb and to feed a false need, over cultivating your real needs, and over your wifes REAL needs. P didn't make those choices. YOU did. I'm not saying this to be hard, or cruel, but it is what it is, and it is really important that you recognize it's YOU, and not P, in order to fix it. You wanted secrecy and a private sex life, and that robbed her of her ability to trust you, and of her right to a healthy relationship with a healthy sex life. I admire women with the courage to leave this crap. Your wife is looking out for herself, just like you look out for you. Only she's looking in a direction where she can actually get a life, instead on in one that steals life away from the people who use it. You need to decide if you really want to give up p/mb or not. Don't do it to keep her, or for her. Even if that would be an option, it wouldn't work. The only thing that works is YOU wanting to give it up because YOU realize it cost you far more than it's really worth. Fantasy is not better than a healthy cultivated real relationship.

[breakingfree]

Nrobinson,

Welcome to the board. I have been an out of control PA the past 15 years out of 22 married(been together 27).

Ethan really said it all

I think I pulled all the straw off the camel exactly one straw before the back broke

I pulled of all the straw and burned it. Thankfully, my wife truly believed in our vows. After I committed to sobriety she did tell she was only going to wait until our youngest turned 18 for me to get my head out of my a**.

Let me quote Ethan again because it bears repeating

The question to ask yourself is, are you willing to fight for her and can you handle whatever she throws at you? Gaining back trust and delivering on the great marriage you both want is like climbing Mt. Everest. You both get placed on top on your wedding day, but as you fall down over the years, she won't be interested in making the climb back up, you will have to carry her when she lets you. The climb back is always twice as long as the fall down.

Fight the good fight

bf
66 days sober today

[completelydone]

You can only abuse your loved ones for so long before they'll quit loving you. I hope other's reading this won't be so foolish.

[nrobinson]

ZT,
You're absolutely right and, had I given it more thought, I would've titled the thread "I may have destroyed my marriage with porn." I completely understand that everything I've done has been through my own choices. I just never chose to acknowledge that I had a problem. I always thought that what she didn't know won't hurt her. And when she found out, I'd tell myself that she wouldn't find out again...and again...you get the picture.

I've spent my day combing the message boards, e-mailing porn support group leaders looking for meetings, thumbing through family photographs. I do want to save my marriage. I know that I've put a great climb ahead of myself and my wife (through no fault of her own) if she chooses to give me yet another chance. I know what I've been doing has been wrong. It has hurt my wife, my family, my faith, and probably everything else in my life. And I do want to change.

I want to fix MY mistakes.

[ferdberfil]

Hi nrobinson-

I really appreciate you posting. Other than the slight (but important) semantic shift to your language suggested by zerotolerance (e.g., the issue of putting responsibility where it really lies), I think your post and predicament is really good for all of us to pay attention to, yet again.

Whether or not you're able to save your marriage at this point is secondary - the bigger issue is you've been given a gift of insight and clarity. Use it. You'll be a better person and have a much better chance at a good life if you do, I really believe that.

-FB

[dazednconfused]

robinson-
good luck. you can do this. Want to save your marriage, start by saving yourself. Get recovering, get sober. Your wife will not listen to your words, but your actions. Being the SO of an actively recovering pa, I know that his actions are the voice I listen to.

peace and good luck

ps- statistic 85% prn users are married men between the ages of 35 and 42 (all races and economic states)

[radical1]

nrob, good luck man. Well you have a goal, now do what it takes to get her back. Either way giving up the P is a good thing. I have been P free for 1 week now, and I hope the next week I can say the same. This is a great support group, just knowing there are people out there to talk to that have had similar experiences helps me. Stay strong- radical1

[nrobinson]

Thank you all for the encouraging words. Today is day two of the rest of my life (day two of being clean, day two of not knowing if I'll have a marriage anymore, etc.) In the hours of conversation my wife and I have had over the last 36 hours, one thing stands out in my mind the most. I told her that whether or not she decides to stay, I am going to help myself. Whether or not she believes what I tell her about my recovery, I am 100% certain that I can change, heal, recover. And for the first time, I believe myself. I think that's what's different this time than all the other times. It's taken the potential likelihood of great loss (the potential was always there) for me to not take for granted all that I have.

[nina]

nrobinson said:

I told her that whether or not she decides to stay, I am going to help myself. Whether or not she believes what I tell her about my recovery, I am 100% certain that I can change, heal, recover. And for the first time, I believe myself. I think that's what's different this time than all the other times. It's taken the potential likelihood of great loss (the potential was always there) for me to not take for granted all that I have.

I've been taking a break from posting on these boards, but when I read this, I had to respond. I think the epiphany you've just attained (believing in yourself, not taking what you have for granted) is the key that will lead you to being successful in your recovery. thanks for sharing this and I wish you alot of luck in the coming months of your sobriety.

[MrOuch]

And for the first time, I believe myself. I think that's what's different this time than all the other times. It's taken the potential likelihood of great loss (the potential was always there) for me to not take for granted all that I have.

"Whether you think you can or can't, you're right"--Henry Ford

It's all about your attitude. Believe in yourself and you will succeed. It won't be easy. It won't be quick, but you have started down the right path. Be well one day at a time.

MrOuch