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Post by maryj123 on Dec 10, 2007 19:36:19 GMT -5
November 1st was my discovery day of my husbands problem. Over the years 2+2 was not equalling 4. I suspected but had no proof. I slowly compiled my proof until I felt that I had enough. His last late night out with lame excuses + a phone call from work to me looking for my husband when he should have been working were the last straw.
I showed him my proof and he confessed that he had a problem. He felt he had a problem & knew he had a problem but could not/would not stop. This has been going on for the last 12 years. It was either get help or get out. He begged me not to kick him out (he had no where to go). We eventually found what we thought would be a good start in getting him help. A counselor,X3watch,deleting all P pictures on the computer,blocking the XXX movies on our satellite dish,and contacting an Accountability Partner that was referred to him. When my husband called this person and related his story the Accountability Partner did not think my husband has a problem. Now my husband SAID he told this person about his frequenting strip clubs,P pictures,XXX movies,etc. This person said that he has made bad choices but didn't think he had a problem. If my husband had a P addiction he would still be thinking of ways to acquire P - buying xxx movies rather than renting them and hiding them,thinking about P more than ever - basically my husband should be foaming at the mouth right now for lack of a better term. My question to you all is who is giving the wrong information - the Accountability Partner or my husband? I suspect my husband is painting a much rosier picture to this person and not being truly honest. How to deal with this current problem? Supposedly the bad choices that my husband made over the past 12 years are as follows.
1. Deleting the internet history on his computer to access porn so as to hide his tracks.
2. Numerous viruses on his computer over the years.
3. Constant lies to me as to where he was or what he had been doing.
4. Asking what time EXACTLY I was going to be home.
5. Making good money but always being broke.
6. Frequently strip clubs on a monthy or weekly basis depending on his "need."
7. Inappropriate relationships with the women of the strip clubs (co-signed on a car loan for one. The other he has maintained a relationship with for 2 years. The relationship was calling back and forth on their cell phones supposedly to give him a day when she would be working).
8. MB
There's more but you get the drift.
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Post by maryj123 on Dec 10, 2007 19:58:47 GMT -5
I ran out of space with my long-windedness. But have one further question. I do not care for our counselor. I say our as I have had 2 sessions with my husband with him - my husband has had 4. We have not gotten a plan or any kind of direction or "path" that we should be going down. Our last session on Friday left me thinking what is this guy thinking? We were discussing the possible causes for why my husband was seeking "attention" at strip clubs. About 12 years ago I was diagnosed with MS - the medication was frightful and was trial and error until the best mix of meds were achieving the best results. And yes at that time I had problems sexually with my husband. I am sure it was a combination of pills and anxiety. So yes you could say this was the cause - and you can imagine how it makes me feel right now. The counselor related a story about how some other groups take 2 wives so that 1 when doesn't feel like having s$x the other will...he went on about how we in USA only take 1 wife which poses problems in a situation such as ours. I looked at him luck "HUH?" and this relates to us how? Are you suggesting I am part of the problem or the solution?Guess he was taken aback and said by no means was he condoning my H behavior just relating a story. I said something about does anyone ever die because they don't have s$x? No but it makes it hard for the other spouse he said. Is this male mentality I am dealing with - am I not part of the male club and not getting it? His last words to us were go out and see a movie and enjoy your selves - thank you very much and we'll pay our $75.00 on theway out for your good advice. For this my H & I are fighting now more than ever thanks to his good advice and plan of attack.
Needed to vent - sorry but a rough weekend of fighting with H.
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Post by kyle on Dec 10, 2007 20:31:37 GMT -5
Run, Run away from this nut job. I have no clue what he is trained in but it definitely does not sound like he has any clue as to what he is talking about. It amazes me at how some people will label themselves as professional help and know they know nothing of what they speak. To tell you that part about 2 wives should tell you everything you need to know about him. He is an impostor and there is no 2 ways about it.
I have made a huge mess of my life in more ways than I can imagine with this crap. I am fortunate that I have a loving wife, who is willing to help me, that I have been able to locate a knowledgeable counselor, that won't lie to me to protect my feelings, and to have a merciful God, who will deal out the punishment when needed and the comfort of knowledge for me to grow. Right now it doesn't seem like you have any help for you or your husband. I would say again, RUN as fast and as far as you can from this knucklehead before he causes any further damage to you and causes irreparable harm to your Husbands recovery.
I would also suggest you point your Husband in this direction so that he can hopefully see where many of us have been and what damage it has caused. Maybe that will wake him up from his delusions that it is somehow something that you may have done. There is nothing you have done and He has to see that before any healing can come about. He has created this monster no matter what his reasons were. He made the choice. He took the effort to move toward it instead of moving toward you. He made the decision to say "I know I have a problem but I could not/would not stop." Until he makes the decision to STOP, and to know he is dead wrong, then nothing will change.
I am sorry if I sound angry but I am. I see time and time again how lives are ruined, I have seen it in my own life and the pain, hurt and damage I have caused to my family and my wife. You are all innocent people that We have chosen to lie to to protect our own ignorance and it has cause alot of collateral damage. I am very anger that a counselor would even suggest what he has to you and still has the ability to practice.
Sorry about the soap box but it just burns me the wrong way.
WOW?!?!?!?!?!?
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 10, 2007 22:20:13 GMT -5
Mary,
I will be even more blunt than Kyle:
DO NOT GO BACK TO THIS COUNSELOR.
IF HE HAS A LICENSE, CONTACT YOUR THE STATE BOARD AND REPORT HIM
ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO COME TO THIS BOARD AND POST
YOU START POSTING IN THE PARTNERS FORUM (if you haven't already)
FIND A SA MEETING IN YOUR AREA AND SEE IF HE IS WILLING TO ATTEND
IF YOU STILL FEEL THE NEED FOR COUNSELING CALL YOUR COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION AND ASK FOR A RECOMMENDATION TO A LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR WITH ADDICTION COUSELING EXPERIENCE (If you need help finding a local resource PM me and I will help)
The good news is that it sound like your H is open to working on his problems. The bad news is you found a very poor resource.
I am a recoverIing P and drug addict. I am also a retired marriage counselor with a specialization in addiction. Trust me, there are many good, highly qualified, highly skilled counselors available.
Wishing you the best.
bf
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 10, 2007 22:24:30 GMT -5
Oh, and ask for your $75.00 back.
bf
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Post by Clean2day on Dec 11, 2007 0:16:32 GMT -5
This guy sounds like the perfect one to help an SA that wants to continue acting out.
I know someplace's where men can have 4 or 5 wives but this is America, or the UK or a civilized country where women are people.
This guy has written the "The Male Attraction" book of instructions. Run don't walk RUN as far away from his office as you can. The accountability partner well yes, your husband has made a lot of bad choices, but then isn't that what addictions are made of, Bad Choices. What we need to learn is how to make Good Choices.
Almost anything would be better than the 2 who you are using.
C2d
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Post by TH on Dec 11, 2007 7:13:22 GMT -5
Yes I agree with everyone else and will suggest one more thing: Give the accountability partner this web address cuz it sounds like he's in his own stage of denial and will be joining us here someday soon. :-)
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 9:46:36 GMT -5
Not much more to add, here. ITA with Bf WRT contacting the "therapist's" boss. Try to keep in mind, too, that no two therapists are created equal. They all come with their own preconceived notions, too. Even the ones their training tells them is wrong. They're just as human as everyone else 7 some really shouldn't hold the positions they do. ((((((maryj123))))) I am so sad to hear of your experience. I have gone through more than a few therapists before I found the one I have... and she gets me. I am eternally grateful that the one my H has gets this. She has done addiction work before & I think this is a huge help. She even helped my H to see we need couple's therapy, still. Here's a list of my preferred sites for info & some books on the subject: www.sexhelp.com/www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Sex/sexual_addiction/partners.aspwww.recoverynation.com/* One note of caution about this site: It makes lots of noises & sounds when you navigate through it. www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/article.htm"Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli * A member here with an amazing book list of her own recently recommended this. I read it several months ago but not fully. But what I did get from it was helpful & the recent recommendation of it has stirred my interest again. I found mine at my local library. You may have it available to you at yours. Best wishes, Mo |
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Post by ethanm on Dec 11, 2007 13:37:18 GMT -5
Sounds like he is buying into the male sexuality myth that one woman just isn't enough for our godzilla-sized sex drives. Lol... What a quack. Ask him how many wives he feels he should have.
Seriously, sounds like a "Lip-service" counsellor, that kind of advice won't build a new foundation for a good marriage, its just some cheap spackle and a few new rugs. House will fall down anyway like that.
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