I AM NOT MY ADDICTION

[slamdunk]

Pre-'recovery', I used to believe that The Voice somehow was me; that when it spoke, I had no choice other than to obey, because it was my internal monologue. Thus it would take control, and I would 'act out'. This was inevitably followed by lashings of guilt, as I told myself (or was it The Voice, mocking me) that this was just the way I am, and I ain't no good and I am unable to change it.

Since committing to turning my life around, I have found to my surprise that the voice is no quieter than before. This may be why my past attempts to try to starve it have failed (I think some of you call this approach 'white-knuckling'?) It seems there is a darker side of me that is there to stay. Instead, what has changed is my ability to isolate it, to force it into a corner and reduce The Beast to the quivering coward that He really is. For in fact, there is a stronger, louder and tougher side to me that can drown him out.

What I have realised has hit me like such a revelation, like so much epiphany:

I am no longer my addiction.

After every subsequent slip I have done some pretty heavy self-analysis and discovered that it has always happened because I haven't really, (I mean really) wanted it not to. The Voice will probably always come calling but when I choose to stop the sin cycle at the pre-occupation stage, before it advances to the ritualization stage (thanks Bill Perkins' 'When Good Men Are Tempted' for that one!), then I can and will succeed.

And so will you!

Becoming stronger,
Slam.

[facingit]

Slam dunk,
Good point. I also used to act out because I confused listening to the voice of the beast with being honest, authentic, or listening to what I really wanted.

[chad32]

I agree with you 100% Slam.

Now that I am on the road to recovery, I AM NO LONGER MY ADDICTION. I want it to be reduced to that quivering coward in the corner. The voice is no quieter than before, but previously I don't think I REALLY wanted to fight it. Things are different now...

Chad

[sandpaper]

After every subsequent slip I have done some pretty heavy self-analysis and discovered that it has always happened because I haven't really, (I mean really) wanted it not to.

This is the key.

[zerotolerance]

The voice is the garbage we put in, or absorb, coming back out at us imo. It's the garbage in, garbage out effect. When you put more good in, then you gain the tools to fight the voice with. For me it was "not enough". I didn't believe it conciously, but I absorbed it from my h's actions, until it was just all I could hear no matter who was say what. I was "not enough". It seems like the guy version is more typically "not good enough".

We can't keep doing the wrong things and ever feel enough or good enough imo. That's why we have to stop putting the garbage in before we can start to heal the soul hole. The day I realized that "I AM ENOUGH" was one of the greatest days of my life. I realized in that moment that I had NEVER felt like I was enough before, even back when I thought I did.

When we change our behavior, and our minds, and our hearts, and souls, then we aren't the people we used to be whatsoever. Then we aren't people who give into every mindless illogical thought anymore. We become empowered. I have seen the enemy, and it was ME. But I'm not my enemy anymore. So long as I know I am only engaging in loving behaviors, and trying my best to be a good person based on God's guide for our souls, then all the p doo rolls right off me. Those demon voices can't pentetrate my belt of truth, nor my breastplate of righteousness. I cast them out of me in the name of Jesus. It took a while, and alot of repetition, and a lot of untangling the big ball of trigger yarn that USED to be my thinking patterns. But it worked.

Now if I could just maintain those shoes of peace, ;-)

[eljefemaz]

That truth is a big one with me as well. I am not the Green Man; I don't have to listen to his garbage, because he has no concepts of time or repercussions.

I feel like my efforts have turned a new corner now that I know him and how to recognize his tactics.