why stop the p?

[unico]

hi Realthing

What motivates me is a desire never to return to a life of porn use. I reached a point where my use of porn became utterly soul destroying. The pain of continuing to use became greater than the need to 'fix'.
I cannot ever envisage a time where I could ever return to using porn in a 'recreational' manner, nor would I ever want too. I was burnt by the experience, I don't need to become burnt again

take care

unico

[breakingfree]

Excuse me, But WHY would you ask these questions on a board for SA's.

what motivates you to attempt to stop using p? is it just the time spent using it, the loss of intimacy with so, religious reasons, because your so demands it - whatever?

so's:

what makes you want to stop your so using, is it just a matter of problems associated with the addiction i.e. would you be happy for you so just to be a 'recreational' user etc?

i know that some addicts feel that being addicts recovery would need an absolutely p free attitude - but if not for the addictive nature would you otherwise be happy to still use p in this 'recreational' way. would you have even been bothered if your discovery of their p use had not been such an extreme as that presented by the addictive use

TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS AND SUBSTIUTE METHAMPHETAMINE FOR P. WOULD YOU STAND UP AT A NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS MEETING AND ASK THESE QUESTIONS??

.

IT IS NOT PORN ADDICTION IT IS AN ADDICTION ALL ADDICTIONS ARE EQUALLY BAD, THEY DESTROY LIVES, RUIN RELATIONSHIPS, TRASH CAREERS, END LIVES. PERIOD

BF

[facingit]

realthing,
There are many motivators - the lack of time and fear that you are losing intimacy are definiely two of the top. However, another huge motivator for me has been just the realization that I have an addiction - that I have tried to stop doing something and have failed many times. That sense of powerlessness is scary.

[fragile]

I decided to put away with it because it never satisfies me... Why waste time on something that leaves me empty afterwards?
Also, I know I'm a total hypocrite in front of those at church, and want to change that.

[megan11]

I would like my H to stop P/MB because if it was something that he needed to hide and lie about for the 16 years we have been together than it is no good for either of us.
another eason is because he used it to "cope" with emotions he didnt want to feel. With that, it left me feeling many times like he just didnt care. Also the MB was addictive because of it being habbitual.
The last reason whay i wanted him to stop is because I simply wasnt getting any loving at all because it was being wasted on those who werent real. Why should i hang around if i they are and always have been more important to him? I drag two kids to a root canal with me, he would NEVER have rearranged his schedule for me, but he would on Thansgiving to stop at home (after work) and pop in a movie before meeting me and his two kids at families house. I will become important and if not i wont be here. IT just doesnt work for me.

[breakingfree]

Realthing,

I find myself somewhat cranky tonight. I almost never shout in my posts and try to be understanding and tolerant.

So let me somewhat more calmly respond. I am a PA who all but destroyed his marriage of 22 years with P. For almost the past 15 years I have been in complete denial about my use. You want calm, intellectual discussion of why P isn't that bad, why recreational use is okay? Ask my wife, peacebewithyou. She has heard it all for 15 years from an expert I have a graduate degree in clinical psych and 5 years counseling experience working with recovering drug addicts. I AM the expert and I WAS totally full of (expletive) and in full denial for 15 years.

When you ask questions like you have, even though I believe your intention to be good, there are implications to your questions that go beyond mere inquiry. When I hear people talk about P or drug addiction in ANY way that minimized its severity then that addictive voice of denial in me says, " hey someone else is saying maybe it isn't that bad, maybe if my SO didn't know it would be okay, maybe it would be okay if I only used a little bit". As an addict in recovery when that voice of denial comes up, the voice of the beast, the ONLY way I know how to deal with it, is to beat the crap out of it with a stick, beat it into submission, back where it came from. And I DO beat it and it does make me testy and somewhat cranky(okay a lot cranky)

Megan with all due respect, there ARE questions NOT to be asked here and this is one of them

I'm wondering why if p addiction is likened to drug use then why p addicts can still be of the opinion that 'recreational' use is ok. so i suppose i wanted to explore this notion of recreational use too.

This is a recovering addict board,. There is not nor can there ever be any recreational use of P , I understand that others can use P occasionally or recreational. We are not here to discuss whether P is bad. WE CANNOT HAVE THIS DISCUSSION. IT WILL TAKE ALL US PA'S RIGHT DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE, BACK TO WHERE WE NEVER WANT TO GO AGAIN.

And finally,

i think it's fair do's then to ask the questions you need - it is an open forum.

Yes and no. It is an open forum but it is an open forum with a lot of PA's in ALL stages of recovery. The recreational use questions DO hurt us. Also, threads with questions like this tend to get very heated and flaming which doesn't help anyone SO or PA.

Again, please accept my apologies for yelling and venting without really explaining why. Please don't let my shouting scare your off the board or make you afraid to ask questions. But, please be aware there are some questions that are entirely reasonable and do require answers, but not necessarily in this forum. IMO, if you need to ask these questions, the partners forum is a more appropriate spot. You are far less likely to get cranky old PA's like me flaming at you.

Thanks for joining on this road to recovery.

breakingfree

And yes I am still working on the anger management issues

I feel the need to add ( and no, my tongue is NOT in my cheek)
All above is IMHO. Someone else pointed out in another thread tonight(unico?) that he hates it when other PA use the words us addicts

He is absolutely correct. I speak only for myself.

So once again,

IMHO,

bf

[zerotolerance]

Because it takes things away from the relationship in ways we can't even begin to imagine, until they have consumed us. P is using people. That's cheating, and it's contributing to the perpetuation of horrid cycle of abuse. It's unloving to celebrate abusive behavior, endorse it, and participate by using it. We don't get to choose not to have symptoms, they just appear. It doesn't matter that I thought it was harmless, I got hurt. Soul holes, anger, self esteem issues, self-objectification issues, body dysmorphia, PTSD, etc... symptoms in me, and symptoms I witnessed grow in him. His passive agressivenss, and pathological lying, for p was/is emotional abuse, and the vocabulary of p is verbal abuse. They don't stay the same they get worse. It's cummulative and progressive. It permeates every other area of the relationship. It taints everything, particularly the lens from which users view the entire world and every woman in it, and men too, and even animals. It takes their time, energy, sexual energy, sexual ability, and emotional capacity and turn it over to p, as if it is hijacked, not to mention, money issues, disease, escalation, and other associated risks. My list could go on and on for days........ In a nut shell. There is nothing loving about loving p. It's hate. It's objectification in action, and it doesn't stay in the p. It gets out in the world on the rest of us too as we're used for eye candy, and mb fodder, and sexual harrassed, and namecalled in song, etc.... P hurts everybody. And mb has it's own concern, particualarly in the associated mental high, numbing of emotion, ED, repetative conditioning etc.... I'd be more hard pressed to come up with a reason anyone would/should use it. ya know?

[realthing]

When I hear people talk about P or drug addiction in ANY way that minimized its severity then that addictive voice of denial in me says, " hey someone else is saying maybe it isn't that bad, maybe if my SO didn't know it would be okay, maybe it would be okay if I only used a little bit".

i totally understand. i'm not familiar with the terminologies of addiction but know what you mean by minimizing - i felt exactly like this when other members had questioned my beliefs - it did make me feel like it was me who had it wrong - question if i was over-reacting etc. i've also experienced this when talking to friends - but always i come out on the side of well i know how i feel about it and know that it should not be tolerated . wot i didn't realize was the effect that such minimization could have on an addict - apologies all round - if i can delete the thread or move it i will.

- sory can only see how to delete my posts.

[gambaru]

I think you are likely to get a range of responses based upon the experience of the individual. Some will be very emotive and others more prosaic.

I stopped because it was time consuming, it was obsessional, it was potentially dangerous. I also felt it made me objectify women(which I hate to do) and it affected my relationship with my wife, though not terminally. I could go on....

As for recreational use, I think it depends on the individual. It's not for me to judge another who uses it occasionally and is in control of the situation. I assume that that is possible. But for many people that is simply impossible, so we must quit for good.

[completelydone]

Well, for one thing it tends to break men's willies. Apparently, mb really is harmful, especially paired with porn.