I miss(ed) it.

[blahoox]

Something fundimentally wrong has been happening in my head lately. I have been working on my PA for a while now, staying sober for a couple of weeks at best then slipping.

I had grown to really hate porn at certain points. There have been times when I have told my self "I don't look at porn or masterbate any more" and it worked. I know all the bad things about it and there is a genuine hatred for it.

But recently, about 2 weeks ago, I started feeling something different.

I missed it.

I really wanted deep down inside to see what was new at all those sites I used to look at. I wanted it again. I can't believe Im realising this now but I never went to God with it. The last 2 weeks have been a blur, its been very strange. Last night I broke down and "fulfilled the lust of the flesh." I made provisions for myself, crazy eloborate provisions, and it worked.

NOw here it is the next morning, and i feel numb. I am no longer missing it. I don't feel good about what I did last night but I don't feel teribily bad either.
I have some praying to do..

I've been realising that I missed it for the past 2 weeks and should have been praying about it, told my accountability partner about it, or at least come on the boards here and gotten some help, but a part of my didn't want any help.

I think ive confused "the beast" with my feelings. Like I said, these are new feelings for me. Ive never "missed" it before. I'm not sure if I "miss" it now, im to numb right now to know how I really feel (I didn't get alot of sleep last night.)

I hate porn and sexual lust and everything it represents, and now, i have (or had im not sure where i stand right now) a longing to return to it.

I feel like a crashed hard last night.

I don't want to want it anymore.

I want to end on a cheerful note, but cant think of one

[breakingfree]

I really wanted deep down inside to see what was new at all those sites I used to look at. I wanted it again

.

Hmm, never did THAT before. If you had 10 cents for every time every PA on this board trailed that thought down the drain, you could erase the national debt.

And

But recently, about 2 weeks ago, I started feeling something different.

I missed it.

Nothing different, same addiction, different disguise.

HERE IS THE TRUTH AND IT CAN SET YOU FREE

but a part of my didn't want any help.

.

The voice will come back to you again and again, telling you, "come back, you are missing something, come back it will be different this time, come back I will give you comfort". THE VOICE ALWAYS LIES. Work on strategies to not listen to the voice, to speak back to the voice, because once you let it speak, the slippery slope of recovery becomes coated with ice and you have just put on your skates.

bf

[breakingfree]

I forgot Rockwell's excellent ongoing thread. lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1174487072

Report YOUR voice to the recovery police here.

bf

[Webmaster]

blahoox,

For me, the affirmation, "I never use porn now," was more helpful than "anymore." The word 'anymore' kept me living in a future without my drug, which was too daunting. "I never use porn now," kept me focused on the moment.

Spiraling out of control, feeling you will fall, can be very scary. My addictive voice uses a lot of tricks to try to get me to that place. When I was in a healthy place, I found I needed to make "provisions" of a different sort: I needed to put things in place to prepare me for the rage of my addictive voice. I installed filters and Covenant Eyes. Those two things really helped me ignore and silence the Voice when I was alone with my computer.

I can see you have an accountability partner and that is tremendous. Do not be discouraged. Continue to work with him and be accountable. Do not give up. Turn away.

Remember the classic metaphor around here of the dog eating its vomit. Don't do that!

Wes

[zerotolerance]

You have to rescript those old thoughts. It's like a skipping record stuck playing over and over in your mind. It feels like a beast, but it is your conditioning talking. You told yourself all those lies. You put garbage in so you just keep getting garbage out. Put God in, not more p, it's a far better chioce. When you hear a lie, tell yourself the truth. I found it also helped to tell the demons thoughts to go away In the name of Jesus. I told them they didn't control me anymore, and that I wasn't going to listen to them anymore. I told myself the truth, and I eventually started getting the truth coming out to me from within me. P is something we shove into our soul holes. But that doesn't work, it's only a cork. Love is something we cultivate from within, and love is what we fill our soul holes up from within. When we have connected souls, and minds full of love, there's no more room for p. You can't keep doing the same thing that never worked before and expect different results. That's called insanity imo. The results of p/mb behaviors, are predicable, EVERY single time. It grows soul holes, it disconnects you from the emotional and spiritual input that you were designed to operate with. You need your heart, mind, body, and soul, all on the same page. We like to think we can just use this part or that, compartmentalize ourselves, but they are along for the ride because they are ALL ALWAYS a part of us. Every time your mind and body p/mb, your heart and soul is damaged. It's our hearts and souls input that we need in order to fight these beasts, but your isloating yours instead, cutting off their much needed input. Stop doing that! Accept the truth, rather than trying to make it not be true, for you. The truth is universal. We don't get to decide that lies are true. We can try, but that's the same attitude that leads us all to a p support board in the end. It just doesn't work because the FALSE beliefs that support these behaviors are LIES. We don't get to decide what God already decided. Only the truth will set you free. And until you can control your body, and take back your mind, you don't have a chance at recieving the love and peace that is only available when we accept AND honor the truth.

[googles]

I have a cheerful note for you. You are back in here, trying again. You have not decided to stop coming here because you feel it makes you feel guilty when you want to look at P. That should be something to feel cheerful about.