jman
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Posts: 12
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Post by jman on Dec 5, 2007 8:51:54 GMT -5
I'm struggling and for me it comes down to triggers. I had about 3 days and I was looking at a magazine and saw a beautiful woman and that set me off. I had to go look a porn. My other trigger is when my wife goes to bed early because she is pregnant. If she stayed up with me it would be impossible for me to look at porn.
What are your triggers?
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Post by Curious Voyager on Dec 5, 2007 9:07:21 GMT -5
I had about 3 days and I was looking at a magazine and saw a beautiful woman and that set me off. I had to go look a porn. You should know this statement is FALSE. This is addict Rational Lie #1 "I had to" Rational Lies-ing will kill us.
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Post by cindyandben on Dec 5, 2007 9:38:52 GMT -5
If every man whose wife was pregnant needed to be disloyal, I wonder if the species would have survived. Good luck to you and to your growing family.
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 5, 2007 9:50:44 GMT -5
CV,
Maybe it wasn't you who originally posted it but if it was you, could you re-post a list of what "real triggers" are. It was a graph, like, chart. It held things such as loneliness & fear & so on. It was very helpful to me & I think it can be very enlightening & helpful to others, as well.
I seem to remember it was some long-time member who posted it.
jman,
Hello. I am (among many other things) a SA. I am also the so of a man who (among many other things) is a SA.
IMO you cannot allow such things as "If she were up... " to be your rationalization/reason/excuse for having turned to P. There will always be times in one's life where opportunity will present itself. You may even come across several moments in your life where opportunity & desire are (figuratively) pushing themselves in your face. I believe learning to resist despite it all & for the right reason is an important part of recovery.
Recently, I had this occur. H & I have had some very roller-coaster moments, lately. During one particularly down night, my urges almost got the better of me. But I did not allow my H's willingness to allow for my "alone time" to become my excuse/rationalization/reason to a/o.
It's tough and an almost daily fight here lately. I don't believe I would not a/o but I cannot guarantee I would not a/o. I cannot allow for it regardless of what my H does or does not do. This is my battle, any way. Not his. He has his own battle.
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facingit
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Post by facingit on Dec 5, 2007 17:40:19 GMT -5
My biggest triggers are a bit paradoxical - one - when I have a lot of work to do and I *resent* having to do it, I P to temporarily escape my reality - two - when I have recently finished a week and am "decompressing" I P to enhance my sense of euphoria.
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facingit
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Posts: 111
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Post by facingit on Dec 8, 2007 12:42:14 GMT -5
I think this thread that ended too quickly because there was some bickering in the first couple of posts. As I learn to avoid the slippery slope I am really curious to hear what other PA's triggers are. It may be useful information.
One thing I have found in the last few days by being sensitive to the "beast voice" inside me is that I can watch almost nothing on TV!!!
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 8, 2007 15:55:31 GMT -5
This does need re-emphasizing You looked at P because you wanted to. PERIOD END OF SENTENCE GO TO STEP TWO.
STEP TWO is not It is WHAT ARE MY TRIGGERS and PART TWO What specifically can I do to avoid those triggers and if I can't or don't avoid them, WHAT COPING STRATEGIES CAN I USE TO KEEP FROM USING?
IMO, your question of what are your triggers is an avoidance mechanism. Knowing my triggers or other PA's triggers will not help YOU avoid a similar mishap.
Think about all your triggering situations and list them here along with any possible way to avoid them or keep from acting out and then ask for feedback.
Facingit, . The weekends are always slow on the board and jman received exactly the right feedback from PA's and SO's who know know what they speak.
Sometimes bluntness comes across in writing as contentiousness, often is only the truth, short and sweet.
Your fellow traveler on Recovery's Road,
bf
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facingit
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One day at a time
Posts: 111
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Post by facingit on Dec 8, 2007 17:33:59 GMT -5
This was actually a thread from a while ago. I wanted to see a thread about triggers, so I used the search function to avoid making a duplicate thread. However, it seems like people are to focused on the flaws of the original post to get into a discussion of triggers - maybe I should start a new thread...
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 8, 2007 19:42:53 GMT -5
Oops! Didn't notice the date. What I said still stands.
Good idea. Nothing wrong with starting a new thread about triggers. IMO, as I stated above it is more useful as a recovery tool, to get into the specifics of the triggering mechanisms and specific coping behaviors.
Plus, I AM a little cranky tonight.
bf
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Post by neverending on Dec 10, 2007 18:43:44 GMT -5
Triggers are caused by something before the p looking begins. Let me rephrase that to make sense...
If you see a picture of a girl and that "triggers" you, there was probably a preset trigger before that, that you were not even aware of....
Most triggers you can't identify because they are so many steps back in your thought process that you just don't go back far enough to identify the true cause of what I'd like to call bad behavior.... whatever the destructive behavior is.... you act out not because you see a pretty girl, or stumble onto some website, or open your mail... somewhere in your subconcious you are already searching for some external trigger.... something about your mood or current situation.... maybe you are bored... who knows, but it is not the picture, because other days you may have seen the same picture and thought nothing of it....
I don't write this for you so much as it is for the benifit of others because I feel (my opinion here people) that you are quite crass in your reasoning... the fact that you blame your pregnant wife for any of your bad behavior is absurd and quite disheartening. I do hope that you have never said that to her, because it is a wrong, blameshifting, BS filled excuse, and as I said the other day in my accountability circle, "Excuses are like a$$holes, everybody's got one". Now, I will attempt to refrain from attacking and blame your blameshifting on the fact that you seem so new to recovery, but please pull your excuse filled head out of your rear and face the fact that you act out when your wife goes to bed because you allow yourself to endulge in bad behavior that you must hide from you poor wife because you know it isn't something you should be doing, and it's a he!! of a lot easier to hide something from someone who is sleeping. Am I wrong? (why don't you just curl up next to your sleeping wife instead of wanking?)
If my post offends anyone, I am truely sorry, but I felt offended and felt the need to address the offense. Now, as recovery goes, there are some REAL triggers to watch out for... the major ones being the following: (HALT)
Hungry Angry (any powerful emotion) Lonely (also feeling unwanted, depressed, or not good enough) Tired
Beware of the situations you get yourself into when you are feeling this way.
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Post by davion2308 on Dec 15, 2007 21:46:16 GMT -5
My triggers are pretty straight-forward, as far as I know.
1. Boredom - When my wife is out and there's nothing going on, I usually turn to p. I like movies and video games, but they get old, whereas I can sit and look at p for hours on end. It's an easy way to kill an evening alone.
2. Escapism - When I have a lot of stress and I want to be somewhere else, I turn to p. It's an avoidance tool. I disregard what I should do or what I need to do, and I run and hide in p. It's difficult for me to turn it off once I'm looking at p, so I can kill plenty of time before I really have to face what I'm evading.
3. Stress - Stress probably falls in with avoidance. I don't want to (expletive) and moan to my wife and my friends. I want to appear to be strong, with nothing bothering me. But I feel like I can take out frustration with p and mb.
As I start posting more and more, I'm learning more about myself and my addiction. It's getting slowly better, at least that I'm beginnning to understand what I'm up against.
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yackers
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Wisdom begins in wonder.
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Post by yackers on Dec 16, 2007 7:42:09 GMT -5
im new so if i start rambling or get confusing,excuse me.but in time,after talking about it,im sure i will become more clear.oh, and my spelling is horrible too.
dont place blame, take ownership for you choices.
one of my biggest triggers is opportunity itself. i feel like if i dont take "this" opportunity right now, when will the next opportunity be. my answer for that is never. i make every feeling the right feeling to watch p and mb. it wasnt till recentenly that i stopped blaming the "time i had alone" and started seeing that i was actually creating all this "time to be alone". i look back at the steps that got me where i wanted to be and see that it was all premeditated, BY ME! i would convince my wife that we needed to go to bed early(not to be rested for a big day tomorrow) just so i could sneak around while she was asleep. i would arrange for my kid to have a play date(not for her benifet to be with friends)so i would be left alone. im just saying we create the things we desire,wether consious of it or not. and what i have found in myself,with addiction, is that adiction has become so much apart of my life, i have been creating these opportunities consiously and sub-consiously.now i have to get over the guilt of knowing that, which by the way is another trigger.
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Post by broonx1 on Dec 16, 2007 19:35:38 GMT -5
I am still learning about my triggers. Only barely 3 weeks on my road to recovery, I am avoiding all potential triggers until I better understand what they really are.
I avoid all "P" IMAGES OF WOMEN in all forms of media. I avoid the lingerie ads in the Sunday paper, I avoid music videos now, I turn my head when any scantily clad or sexy shot of any woman appears on TV. I have my wife screen ALL my e-mail. I practice seeing STOP in big red letters with a big red X over the triggering images (thanks to breakingfree).
I avoid situations of BOREDOM that might lead my internet usage to stray to the bad places. I find something else constructive to do. Whatever it is as long as it's not P.
I avoid OGLING other women in public, whether with my wife or alone. I look at things rather than people. Even if is to stare blankly at the menu at a hamburger shop instead of checking out the woman in front of me.
My wife selects safe movies for us now based on content and trigger potential.
I am looking at all "sexual" images, jokes, movie scenes, lingerie ads, VS commercials, cheerleader calendars, anything that I sought out or was "excited" by before as a potential trigger. I am taking no chances until I can honestly say that my PA is under control and I have completely identified, understood and can manage all my triggers.
If that means I must visualize STOP, Turn my head and avoid the lingerie ads and stare at the floor when an attractive female enters my field of vision, have my e-mail screened for the rest of my life, then that's what it means.
I realize now too that I am a selfish attention hog as my SO put it. Not in an ugly way... but in a factual way. I grew up an only child and was used to a lot of attention. I still crave attention. When my SO are fighting about something other than P, or if she's not feeling well or is stressed over work and not paying enough attention to me... it seems like this is when I get the subconscious urge to act out either to feel needed by the p or to get caught so I get the attention (even though negative) from my SO.
I AM NOT BLAMING MY SO FOR MY BEHAVIOR. I hope no one reads that in that way. It is MY issue. It is MY problem. It is my addiction. None of what I am is her fault. I must accept that life happens and it's not all about me. Life is all about US and so many other things than me. I must learn to take the backseat time and again.
SO.. in short... my triggers as I see them right now are: Sexy images of women... wherever they are Sexy women in public... wherever they are My selfish its all about me / notice me nature
I will update further with any additional knowledge I get about my self.
Also... Dude... go to bed with your pregnant wife. She needs you... the P doesn't anymore. If you need the p more than her... you will be left with your boyhood in one hand and divorce papers in the other. Go to bed with her man... in a few short months... you'll be wishing you had taken the opportunity to catch up on some sleep.
And stop blaming her... this is your addiction, this is my addiction, not our SO's fault... not now, not ever.
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facingit
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Post by facingit on Dec 16, 2007 21:15:22 GMT -5
1. Boredom - When my wife is out and there's nothing going on, I usually turn to p. I like movies and video games, but they get old, whereas I can sit and look at p for hours on end. It's an easy way to kill an evening alone. 2. Escapism - When I have a lot of stress and I want to be somewhere else, I turn to p. It's an avoidance tool. I disregard what I should do or what I need to do, and I run and hide in p. It's difficult for me to turn it off once I'm looking at p, so I can kill plenty of time before I really have to face what I'm evading. . Excellent post - this pretty much sime it up for me, too.
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