|
Post by aslan on Apr 26, 2007 0:22:08 GMT -5
Maybe I should chime in with my experience because it really does provide the basis for no one ever having a reason not to volunteer and speak the truth.
I voluntarily told my wife about my sa. She had no idea and she certainly had no idea about where it had got to. It was not the thing a husband should ever have to tell but I did, I had to, and in doing so, I probably saved my life. Although my wife could have kicked me to the curb if she wanted to, had me thrown in jal if she wanted to, made it impossible for me to ever see her or our family again, told the whole world about it, none of that happened.
I have been around here now for a while now and in all that time I have yet to read one good reason from an SA about why he should not tell.
And for my wife, there was an imprtant realisation in all of the mess which also made the disclosure necessary. It didn't take her too long to realise it. For the first time in our relationship, my wife was truly able to say that she was not going crazy. Before then, she had truly wondered what the f was going on because she just couldn't work any of it out. Once I told, she had an answer. And it may well be that the giving of that realisation to my wife is one of the primary reasons why she has stuck around to see it all out.
|
|
|
Post by nonbeliever on Apr 26, 2007 2:16:58 GMT -5
ok, i'm going to post how i "found out" i guess earlier in the relationship he mentioned that he viewed P or something, and i told him how much i didn't like that, and he deleted it. the second time i asked him several months later, and he said it was an occasional thing, and he said he would stop. the third time was after i had said that i couldn't live in a relationship where there was P (i was drunk at the time, so he didn't know that i was serious) and then i asked him again one day, and he admitted it. then he said that he thought that he was a P addict. that's when i came to this board and sought help. we have made a plan and stuck to it, and so far everything is going well. i don't expect it to always be this easy, and i really wish that he would have come to me first for my support. but the truth is, he was so ashamed and embaressed by everything. however, the most important thing was that he answered all of my questions honestly, and did not try to hide anything. that has helped tremendously in rebuilding our relationship, although there is still quite a while to go.
i hope that you are completely honest and open with your SO, that is the only way that you can ever make your relationship work after this blow. it will be difficult, but it is something that must be done. i hope that she will atleast try to understand. also, let her cool off for a few days. i absolutely freaked out and did not want to talk to my BF for 3 days and wouldn't let him touch me for a week. understand that its a whole part of you that we feel we have been decieved by, and while you have had years (or months??) to deal with this, we have only just been exposed to it. its a shock. if you understand all that, it will be much more likely that you two will be able to work together. i wish you all the luck in the world and i hope that you choose to tell her sooner rather than later. remember, this whole issue is about choices, and i hope you make a good one in this regard.
|
|
2manylies
New Member
Sometimes you just don't know what you're getting into!!
Posts: 30
|
Post by 2manylies on Apr 27, 2007 0:50:27 GMT -5
Rain, your post had a lot of fresh pain in it. It's always hard to have that mistrust and anger. Who can you trust if you can't trust your husband and parents? (Sounded like issues in childhood.) I always wonder how people get through these situations without a firm belief in God and His healing powers. I've had a lot of the same experiences, and I know I couldn't be this sane without a firm belief that He is watching over me, and carrying me when I can't walk alone. All the best luck! Never stop loving.... only stop the hurting.
|
|
|
Post by phoenix on Apr 28, 2007 18:25:45 GMT -5
I am an addict.
You know, at first I wasn't even sure why I wanted more replies either. Chalk it up to being a newbie, I guess. Even if I have had a (inactive) membership for several years. Or, maybe I was just being selfish. I don't know... Something inside just screamed that this topic & thread was exactly what I needed to hear. I've been reading... and re-reading, nearly every post for 5 days now. Laughed a little, cried a lot. Soul searched. Stayed sober. Steeled my resolve. Went to my first general addicts meeting; will be attending my 1st bona-fide PA meeting tonite. Moved my disclosure date from the vague, "...by July 31st...", to, "May 13th, period." (...yeah, the date has significance from several different angles for me. Film @ 11...)
I am an addict.
...and I am amazed. At all of the good, decent people of this online community. At how lives are broken, on both sides of the PA / SO line... and how they may be able to slowly heal. At the despair, hurt, bitterness, pain that we PAs have caused to our individual SOs and others. At the honesty and candor of everyone who posted here. . .
I am still an addict. . . but now, after this, I feel that I am in recovery. For real. For keeps.
To stillnshock: Thanks for your, "...overstepping...", leap-of-faith. I believe you were inspired to start this. Don't know if this thread helped anyone else, but it has been a life-changer for me. It was like you invited everyone into my living room and I had the opportunity to just sit in the corner and soak it all in.
To blueclouds: This thread revolved around your personal dilemma at times... You already know my take. Keep listening. Choose well. You'll know...
To TimM: Thanks for "the letter..." Very cathartic. Required reading. Especially for all non-disclosed PAs...
To Everyone Else: Yeah, maybe a lot of this has already been covered in other threads, other months, other years. But it was all new to me. Came like a bolt out of the blue straight to my heart. Give me a few days, but watch your message inbox. Sometimes, thanks need to be relayed in private. . .
One more thing. . .
Can't remember what post I read today that sparked me to think of these lyrics. After all is said and done, I am the universal epicenter of ADD. . . But here are some lyrics from a decade or two ago track that seem more relevant now... (as well as a wake-up call for each of us PAs who are running out of excuses for not disclosing everything to the person who should matter the most in our lives...)
Trouble Me
Artist: 10,000 Maniacs [ music: Dennis Drew/words: Natalie Merchant ]
Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and your worries. Trouble me on the days when you feel spent. Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong? Trouble me.
Speak to me, don't mislead me, the calm I feel means a storm is swelling; there's no telling where it starts or how it ends. Speak to me, why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me when your silence is my greatest fear? Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong? Speak to me.
Let me have a look inside these eyes while I'm learning. Please don't hide them just because of tears. Let me send you off to sleep with a "There, there, now stop your turning and tossing." Let me know where the hurt is and how to heal.
Spare me? Don't spare me anything troubling. Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and you worries. Speak to me and let our words build a shelter from the storm. Lastly, let me know what I can mend. There's more, honestly, than my sweet friend, you can see. Trust is what I'm offering if you trouble me.
"Hi, my name is J. I'm a PA. And I am in recovery..."
I'm ready to start now...
Love and Respect to All,
p
|
|
|
Post by dazednconfused on Jun 2, 2007 9:12:06 GMT -5
Bumping this thread to go with "results of telling your SO" thread... then there isn't a lot or repeat -dazed
|
|
|
Post by disappointed on Jun 2, 2007 13:16:45 GMT -5
First time I realized all the internet porn was when one of my best friend's brother whom I am also good friends with was visiting and digging around the family computer and said to me "damn, what's with all the porn on here?" as he then defragmented it for me. I just kind of blew off what he said because I was already too depressed and sick with an undiagnosed autoimmune disease.
|
|
|
Post by phoenix on Jun 11, 2007 9:41:54 GMT -5
Moved my disclosure date from the vague, "...by July 31st...", to, "May 13th, period." (...yeah, the date has significance from several different angles for me. Film @ 11...) To Whoever is interested:
Here's my personal accountability update. . .May 13th passed by uneventfully. Though it represented my first month of sobriety and birthday as well, it didn't dawn on me until a few days prior that is was also Mother's Day . Uh... no. Since we work different shifts, disclosure had to be a Saturday or Sunday. Other birthdays, holidays, and family gatherings kept pushing it back. The planets finally aligned yesterday afternoon, about 3:30 PM MDT. I disclosed everything to my wife and bishop (clergyman) at his church office, via a letter I painstakingly prepared and re-edited many times. I read it outloud to her. I wept. Huge, cathartic sobbing. It took much longer to get through 5 pages than I anticipated. I am thankful for Kleenex. We are still together, and I am amazed at my wife's grace. As emotionally tough as disclosing was, it was the right thing to do. A mountain has been lifted from my shoulders, and my best friend is now my right-hand ally in my war against PA. I feel incredibly blessed. Thanks, once again, to all who weighed in on this thread. And especially to you, stillnshock, for listening to your heart's inspiration to start it. Sometime, in the next few days, I will begin a, "How I Told...", thread, and a journal, as well. Till then, God bless you all. Success, p
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Jun 11, 2007 9:47:50 GMT -5
Congratulations Phoenix. Glad that disclosure went well for you.
There may be some aftershocks when the reality hits her. Rember the first sign of grieving is numbness. She may need to grieve the death of her "happy ever after." Keep strong and keep sober.
LookingUp
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Jun 11, 2007 9:53:56 GMT -5
That's really impressive, phoenix. I'm glad it looks like things are going to work out for you. My own report is that my SO got put on at least half-day bedrest because the baby is smallish, and my mother-in-law has been staying with us for the past several weeks (you have NO idea... joking). That has pushed things back for me, though unlike you I have no specific date in mind. Thanks for the example -- most sincerely.
Blueclouds
|
|
|
Post by tryharder on Jun 16, 2007 6:03:43 GMT -5
I managed to tell my SO, and it was extremely difficult, she was shocked and hurt, and I recognise the pain behind the words of many of these posts. It was so difficult that now when I slip, and I do slip, I can't find the strength to keep telling her. Being honest about how you've let someone down is hard. Doing it again and again I'm finding impossible.
I have ups and downs but I find myself lying to cover the down times- because they're just phases... except of course I know that's just another lie.
|
|
|
Post by imstillstanding on Jun 16, 2007 13:49:01 GMT -5
...Not to mention that there's an assumption in the "not telling" that she doesn't already feel something is wrong. If she's feeling unfulfilled in various ways within the relationship, even not knowing about the specific problem that is causing it, that's a source of stress as well. Who knows? -- she may know more than you think, which is more devastating...to know you're concealing lies.
Just make sure you find the most sensitive way to talk about it. If you don't have a therapist, find one you like first...for both of you. Write down what you're going to say, if you think it might come out wrong. Realize that being emotionally shut down as a P/MB addict is a dangerous thing, because she has every right to get upset about this...and you can't get angry or frustrated or whatever at her reaction, especially with a baby involved here. You have to be available to talk about it, support her, and BE REASSURING. Stillinshock's "how I wish I had found out" words were very good.
The fact that you'll bring this to her, instead of her finding out, is priceless. She will remember that YOU saw it as a problem first. It means a lot that she won't be the one trying to show *you there's something wrong with your P/MB, but that you recognize it yourself. A lot of us (SOs) have had the opposite happen, which is extremely damaging to one's concept of self worth, having to defend yourself and your body and the value of your own spirit, having to stand up for yourself against something so obviously degrading to a relationship.
My first reaction would have been to wait until after the birth of the baby, but really, would it be *that much better to tell a new mother with all kinds of postpartum hormones running through her that this is going on, either?
It looks like there may be no time like the present. Just think long and hard about what you plan to say, and do everything you can to be good to her, but KEEP IT HONEST as well. One of the worst things in the world is softpedaling the issue. That will only come back to haunt you. If you're going to get it out there, get it out there. If there are parts that are too hard to share right now (know your boundaries), don't give her the delicate but nonetheless dishonest version...tell her you're not ready to talk about that, but you will, and that you love and support her, that you're sorry, that she's beautiful, and that you want to change. Remind her of these things often. Once isn't enough.
|
|
|
Post by dazednconfused on Jun 17, 2007 8:56:11 GMT -5
tryharder-
your name says it all, try harder man, try harder to tell her. The saying on the partner's side is that Porn hurts, but Lies Kill. As an SO who has been working with my h for over a year in recovery, let me tell you, I would not be here if my husband had not found a way to get past the lying by omission and just tell me when he "slipped" or is "struggling" And truthfully, I knew when those times were, I just had to re-learn to trust my instincts... years of being told "nothing is wrong" or "maybe you just need some sleep" anything other than, oh, I am a PA and using, scrambles our ability not only to trust our husbands, but our own gut. NOw I always trust my gut first and his statements second, because I haven't been really wrong in a year. So how did we do it... he sat down with me and said it was really hard for him to tell me and see the pain in my eyes (real or imagined) is there any other way I would accept him telling me? He offered to have me read his journal (or suggest I read his journal that day) but I didn't want to feel like a babysitter. He did keep a accountability report he sent to his Ap, and he offered to send me one too. It was very bare bones- yes/no type questions: did you mb today, did you fantisize today, did you look at or search for p today, did you engage in any other kind of sexual self-gratification. If he anwswered yes to any of the questions, he had a space to explain. The there was a section on what are you doing for recovery today: are you following your plan, have you had any major triggers (HALT), if you answered yes to the above, what are you doing to get back into recovery mode, etc... He even started using a chart numbered by his recovery plan items and would put yes or no for whether he did those things. He started to see patterns in his recovery and "slips". Granted, he has not had huge recovery setbacks, but we have had huge life setbacks this year and this system helped im trace patterns. For instance, after we lost a baby last summer, he did not slip due to the pain and pressure for about 7 weeks after the miscarriage. I thought it would happen sooner, but it took everything settling down for the stress to really oppress him. When he realized that, he realized he needed to work on his grief recovery and not fall back on his "old" method of self-medicating. We have also had moments where we really weren't hearing eachother or expressing ourselves well and we have resorted to careful letter writing. No blaming, no anger, just this is what is swimming in my head right now and I need to put it on the table before we spiral out of control in our communication (or lack there of). You could probably map in my journal when those times have occurred. Anyway, the important thing is you find a way WITH you wife to communicate about your recovery. Not doing so has the potential of more damage than you can comprehend. Look carefully at the pain of the SO's and you will see it is much more based in lies and less in the actual activity. And if y9u haven't, find a way to work on your communication as a couple. This addiction robs you both of healthy communication... work on that and you can get through recovery together. (don't get me wrong, I thought my husband and I had great communication until our counselor pointed out that it was essentially impossible within an addictive cycle.)
peace- dazed
|
|
|
Post by manic on Jun 18, 2007 8:09:25 GMT -5
dazednconfused wrote:
She hit the nail on the head: communication is key. What I find the best thing about my recovery so far is reconnecting emotionally with my wife, without a shred of doubt. We go to couples counseling to get some help with this: every other week for a 1-hour session. Not cheap, but well worth it.
Manic
|
|
billy
New Member
Posts: 2
|
Post by billy on Jun 20, 2007 9:07:39 GMT -5
Thank you, Stillnshock, for this topic. I have been a SA for about 45 years. I have been married for 35 years. I have not looked at P or M in almost 5 months. I have been on several other web sites like BG, EMB, and HC. They all have been 'life savers' for me. 5 months ago when I finally hit bottom I was ready to end everything. I wanted out so bad that I started doing things like I was trying to get caught so I could get help. Since then I now have accountability partners on these sites but I still have not told my wife about my SA. I keep finding, or should I say making, excuses to not tell her. As I have been reading this topic it has opened my eyes to a lot of thing I can say to her and how I can go about saying it. I will be talking to her about this before the week is over so please pray for me and my wife as we go through this. Thanks again, Billy
|
|
|
Post by Healing Rain on Jun 20, 2007 11:06:41 GMT -5
Billy, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I will pray for stregnth and direction. You will need both. Strength to go through with it, as it is a much needed step in your recovery. And direction to keep you on the right path of open communication. Please be empatetic to your wife during disclosure. Don't expect immediate forgiveness or understanding. Also know that it might take more than just one time before she opens up to the reality of it. When you chose to disclose, its never a one time thing, but a process. Be open to that.
~Rain~
|
|