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40 days
Aug 24, 2007 16:02:45 GMT -5
Post by Mountain on Aug 24, 2007 16:02:45 GMT -5
I would like to join in too. I am on day 18 today. That put Sep/15 as my 40 days.
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40 days
Aug 25, 2007 0:27:29 GMT -5
Post by cleantoday34 on Aug 25, 2007 0:27:29 GMT -5
Welcome Mountain. I'm checkin in on day 17. Feeling good and positive and full of gratitude for another clean day.
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40 days
Aug 25, 2007 8:48:43 GMT -5
Post by Brighterside on Aug 25, 2007 8:48:43 GMT -5
Capillarian - I understand your circumstances. All I have to say is that's the world we live in. Sexiness is everywhere in our society. If lady Y did not exist in your life, then I can guarantee it would be some other lady "letter of choice." We would have to move to a Mormon town or go Amish to avoid that. That's why we need this type of accountability. Men who are on the same page, wanting sexual purity and not lusting. I was at the pub last night and there were definitely some girls out that I won't go into detail with. My buddy and the bartender were talking about some of them - basically lusting right out in the open. I wanted no part of their discussion. I think that is a good sign that I am in a recovery process. All I can say with the guys talking about lady Y is, don't participate in the discussion concerning her.
As for lady M - if she's not going to explain herself as to why she abruptly stopped communication, then she's not worth pursuing. If she does explain herself, and the reason isn't good enough, then she's not worth pursuing. I dated a girl (lady L) for about 9 months last year. She broke it off with me rather abruptly and pretty much cut off communication. It drove me crazy for a long time. But over that time I had to practice a very very important trait - Acceptance. I had to accept that she wanted nothing to do with me. It was not in my control. One important thing I learned is - people don't do things to you, they do things for themselves. I really don't believe that lady M was trying to hurt you, maybe she just felt it was moving too quickly and was scared. Anyways, lady L did end up texting me about a month ago after 6 months of no communication. I took that as good that she still respects me - but I won't get rapped up in all the emotions again. So that's what I suggest to you Cap - that girl messaged you because she still respects you, just be REALLY CAUTIOUS about giving your heart away.
Those are just my thoughts and opinions. You do what you think is right Cap. I'm glad you felt comfortable in sharing this with us. It kinda makes us more like brothers.
Brothers in recovery,
Bright
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40 days
Aug 25, 2007 8:52:09 GMT -5
Post by Brighterside on Aug 25, 2007 8:52:09 GMT -5
Welcome Mountain and thanks for joining us. Way to go 18 days already! Keep it going - we'll support your efforts
I'm reporting in on day 9. Thanks guys for keeping me accountable. If not for you, I very well could have slipped yesterday. The urge was strong. I'm feeling better today and have many activities planned that will keep me occupied.
Peace of Mind
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40 days
Aug 25, 2007 13:39:51 GMT -5
Post by capillarian on Aug 25, 2007 13:39:51 GMT -5
I haven't got much time now.. I have a final presentation to give tomorrow, to wrap up the internship! Just wanted to say a couple things though. cleantoday Thanks for the reply, in a sense it makes me feel better to know you guys are going through the same thing everyday. But it's also a pity that you have to endure it.. whatever, that's life. Bright I really appreciate some of the things you said, man. First of all, what the (expletive)? Oh my God, my situation is nothing compared to what you must have gone through. Sorry to hear about it, but at least you're over it now. This is very true. The way you phrased it is aphoristic too; I'll probably use it in the future sometime I'd really like to say more, but I can't stay online very long today, for the reason stated above. I still check this thread every day though. It's important to me that I don't face this alone; just as important that none of us do. As some (wise) person once said, only an army can fight off this addiction, and it's true. EDIT: Oh and I forgot to mention, in 3 hours I will have been sober for the longest I have ever been..
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40 days
Aug 25, 2007 15:42:50 GMT -5
Post by Mountain on Aug 25, 2007 15:42:50 GMT -5
I hope all are well. I am on day 19 today
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40 days
Aug 26, 2007 4:09:45 GMT -5
Post by cleantoday34 on Aug 26, 2007 4:09:45 GMT -5
Day 18. And it's a miracle. Had the strongest urges to act out last night and my dreams were full of acting out. I'm here though and I won't be beaten. Clean and sober for today.
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40 days
Aug 26, 2007 10:27:18 GMT -5
Post by capillarian on Aug 26, 2007 10:27:18 GMT -5
I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm proud of you man!
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40 days
Aug 26, 2007 10:44:25 GMT -5
Post by capillarian on Aug 26, 2007 10:44:25 GMT -5
Guys, I've been sober for 23 days, yet I don't feel fantastic. The first time I went cold turkey at the end of June, I stayed sober for 21 days. And within the first week I was feeling the effects of it in my daily actions. I was confident rather than shy, spontaneous rather than lethargic, optimistic rather than gloomy, and more.. Just generally feeling great.
But this time, I seriously don't feel any of it. Ok, some of it may be to do with my current circumstances. As in, being let down by a person I liked and all that other rubbish. But I really don't think that's an escape clause. Am I doing anything fundamentally wrong? Maybe the way I've defined sobriety is completely incorrect, or perhaps different from the kind of sobriety I had the first time around?
Because the first time, I was so damn sure of myself that I wasn't looking at women at all. At all. I couldn't care less. A hot woman walks next to me, behind me, in front of me - it doesn't matter, cuz I won't look. I never fantasized either. Whereas this time around, for the first couple of weeks the rules weren't as stringent for me. I'll admit, on one occasion I really took the liberty of ogling one of the girls in my group. On ONE occasion. But I knew afterwards that my sobriety demanded more of me and so it didn't happen again. From time to time I accidentally catch glimpses of things which I perhaps shouldn't, and I may keep looking for a split-second more than I should, but all in all the visual "action" has been very very minimal.
Anybody know what I'm talking about?
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40 days
Aug 26, 2007 11:59:50 GMT -5
Post by cleantoday34 on Aug 26, 2007 11:59:50 GMT -5
Thanks for the support Capillarian, it means allot. Concerning your last post my feeling is that you know exactly what is required for your recovery. I read most of your posts and your intent seems very clear. I relate to what you say though and sobriety isn't always a great feeling and we deserve to feel good don't we? I don't think you are doing anything wrong atall. I catch glimpses of things all the time and it's impossible not to.... Especially in my line of work. These glimpses are always a possibility to learn. Was it a glimpse that just came accross my line of vision? Or was I lusting/desireing something with that girl/image. It's early days and I don't know what your experience is but speaking for my self I'm learning allot about myself and not all of it good. In my experience the difficult emotions/feelings we are experiencing during these early stages are where the true resolve is found and I'd say these unpleasent experiences are deepening my vigilance to not move in the face of my addiction. Lets stick togeather. Togeather we can do it. Keep the posts comeing and remember it's early doors.
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40 days
Aug 26, 2007 16:40:58 GMT -5
Post by Brighterside on Aug 26, 2007 16:40:58 GMT -5
day 10 - hangin' in there. You guys rock!! keep it going.
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40 days
Aug 26, 2007 17:17:46 GMT -5
Post by Brighterside on Aug 26, 2007 17:17:46 GMT -5
Capillarian
I just started to see a counselor about this addiction. One of the exercises he had me do was to write out the pros and cons of p and mb. I was like "dude, what is there that is a 'pro' about it?" He said "well there was a reason you started doing it and a reason you continued to do it. There's gotta be something good that keeps you coming back." I'm thinking - well, it's fun for 1. Then my brain started to open up to where he was getting at. The exercise is meant for the cons to way outweigh the pros - which I believe we all understand or we wouldn't be here. But then with the pros, he told me that we need to find something positive to replace that part of our lives that we are currently missing.
I understand you are not a Christian and are still seeking out your faith. I am a Christian but am all for someone seeking out their faith through other means, provided they practice peace. I mean, there are plenty of Christians that seem to be able to justify killing - the worst of that justification being when they manipulate the word of God to make it suit their agendas. Alright, I went a little off the subject there, but I just want to let you know that the bible has many great philosophies - even in a secular sense.
I believe that what you are experiencing currently is repentance (which is in the bible). It's basically sorrow and remorse for your past behaviors, understanding that what you did was wrong and is your soul seeking out a better means of fulfillment. We all seeked out p and mb for fulfillment and discovered that it left us feeling more empty afterward. Just because we dropped the habit for a few days, doesn't mean we've found what fulfills us. Cleantoday also made a good point that we are discovering a lot about ourselves during recovery - not all of it good. The bible does say that the 'downer' feeling (repentance) in the beginning is part of the early recovery process. Cap, I believe your first bout with sobriety left you feeling great and way overconfident and that's most likely why you fell back into it (which I have also done plenty of times in previous attempts). That experience probably helped you to understand how powerful lust is and you are now more cautious of your pitfalls to lust.
I hope I made at least a little sense there. I can ramble sometimes. Stick with it bro - we're with you. Also, thanks so much for your and cleantoday's encouragement and support.
Peace of Mind,
Bright
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40 days
Aug 27, 2007 0:43:55 GMT -5
Post by cleantoday34 on Aug 27, 2007 0:43:55 GMT -5
Day 19. The strong urges continue, the emotions get stronger and yet I remain clean. I could use the metaphor of an express train going full speed and then hitting something that makes it stop immediately and all of the carriages behind slam into each other. I had built a momentum with my acting out. Not only a momentum of lust but a momentum of numbing myself. I am now having to face the lust and also the fear, sadness, anger etc that I've been avoiding. It doesn't feel good to be in this train wreck and getting slammed but at the same time I fell so much more alive and real than I've felt in a long time. Hope some of that made sense anyway.
Today is my 19th day of sobriety. Today I walk as a free man. Thankyou guys so much for being here.
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40 days
Aug 27, 2007 1:00:10 GMT -5
Post by capillarian on Aug 27, 2007 1:00:10 GMT -5
Thanks guys, your feedback really means a lot. Congratulations on the 10 days bright! And no, you weren't rambling . Also I ought to have welcomed Mountain to the thread, but I haven't yet, so welcome! And well done for being sober for 19 days! Morning of Day 24 here. Let's make it together.
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40 days
Aug 27, 2007 15:00:05 GMT -5
Post by cleantoday34 on Aug 27, 2007 15:00:05 GMT -5
Hi guys. It's the end of day 19 and I just felt like dropping in to post a few words. It seems the storm of the last days has calmed a little and I'm feeling much more at ease. This is the longest time I've been sober since I discovered masturbation at the age of 12..... I'm 34 now. Do any of you guys have a mantra? I started thinking of what mine could be. Needs to be something strong to really create an anchor of resolve. Hope you guys are doing well.
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