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Post by likealion on Aug 31, 2007 10:06:22 GMT -5
Day 5 and I feel good. It is good to set goals. Since I left college, I've had some trepidation when it comes to finishing things. I have a few valuable goals right now that I am working on, and it is satisfying to make steady progress.
I'm going to set myself some goals for the weekend. Hopefully that will help me avoid the P and MB.
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Post by likealion on Sept 3, 2007 5:58:55 GMT -5
I made it safely through Saturday and then I lost it on Sunday. I gave myself a 75% chance of failure when I woke up on Sunday morning.
I have many single guy friends in their late 20s and 30s. A few of them make an effort to go on dates, but most of them, like me, don't even bother. I wonder if any of them are as hooked on P and MB as I am. Whatever the case, it's a really desperate situation.
God help us.
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Post by likealion on Sept 4, 2007 9:25:07 GMT -5
Continuing on the topic of why most of my friends are single ... I am trying to get to figure this one out. Neither I nor my friends are ugly, most of us are in good physical shape, and some of us would even qualify as "good-looking". None of us are gay. Some of us play in a band, and the majority of our fans are young women. Yet we are all desparately single. Occasionally, one of us will go out on a date, but there is rarely a follow-up.
What is wrong with us? Are we social lepers? Should we try wearing more expensive cologne? Do we unconsciously project a secret hatred for women?
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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Post by likealion on Sept 4, 2007 21:50:22 GMT -5
This afternoon I received a phone call from the girl I wrote about in previous posts -- the one I had a crush on for so long, who ended up hooking up in my house with one of my friends. I have no idea what became of their relationship. She called to ask me for forgiveness for any wrong she might have done me. I was not expecting the call, although now is in fact an appropriate time to ask for forgiveness, right before the Jewish High Holidays. I didn't even realize that she was aware that she had hurt me. Maybe she wasn't sure, and she just suspected that I was hurt because I didn't contact her for a few weeks. I couldn't talk on the phone, because I was at work and I had no privacy there. I explained this to her and suggested that I would be in touch somehow. I wrote her an email, explaining how I felt about her. She doesn't always check her email right away, so I don't know if she has read it yet. It might freak her out a little bit, but I tried to be as nice as possible while at the same time trying to get a few things off my chest. I don't know if she's looking for closure, or trying to be friends with me again, or what. We'll see.
It doesn't make it any easier that this girl is absolutely gorgeous. I honestly didn't pay close attention to her looks when I first met her (she is on the short side and I am tall) but I eventually realized what she had going on.
I've been making every effort to "move on" from this girl, as difficult as that is. Now that I'm back on her radar for the moment, I'll have to deal with it.
I was not planning on getting into P and MB tonight. Unfortunately, I was triggered by a reference in Time Magazine to a foreign P site. Alright, it was an Israeli P site. One of my old "rules" (every addict has them, right?) was to avoid Jewish P stars. There is an explicit verse in the Torah that prohibits Jewish girls from become harlots. I used to be disgusted that any Jewish girl would work in P. Then, because it was "taboo", I started craving these girls. This foreign site was just too much of a temptation. I calmly took the laptop up to my room and proceeded to defile myself. Actually, the foreign site had barely any content and it required a credit card, so I quickly moved on from it. Anyway, the damage has been done, only 2 days after the last misadventure.
Did I mention that I have a problem?
I really need to get my act together. Rosh Hashana is coming in a week (!). I am supposed to be repenting at this time. Why I am still trapped in P hell?
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Post by likealion on Sept 4, 2007 22:13:12 GMT -5
So here's something I just realized. I don't think I have reached the point yet where I REALLY want to stop. I completely lost control in the beginning of August, but since then, it's been like once a week. (Twice so far this week.) My addict mind says, "once a week, no big deal". But it is a big deal. My last credit card bill had over $100 in P charges. And that is coming from someone who used to have a rule, "never pay for internet P".
It is getting harder for me to stay sober long enough to even feel guilty. My bloodstream is defiled, as is my mind.
I must set a new goal, but I am afraid of making a vow. Vows in Judaism are deadly serious matters, and in any case, we annul them all on Yom Kippur. Without taking a vow, I declare that I MUST stay sober from now until after the holidays (which end the second week in October). I can do this. I am not my addiction. No matter what type of stress I encounter between now and then, I CANNOT allow myself to MB or look at P. It is the start of a New Year on the Jewish calendar, and I MUST do better than I did this year.
Please God, help me in Your mercy to defeat these demons.
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Post by likealion on Sept 4, 2007 22:52:57 GMT -5
I installed the K-9 software. It isn't hard to disable, but at least it is another barrier I can work with. And it blocks myspace and facebook, two sneaky potential triggers of mine. I am excited to have this new weapon in my struggle.
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Post by likealion on Sept 6, 2007 12:10:25 GMT -5
Came home late last night. Ordinarily, I would have felt at risk in such a situation. But reading different postings around this forum has encouraged me to try harder.
I logged on to check my email and was comforted that the K-9 software was in place. I turned off the computer and fell asleep quickly without any problems.
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Post by likealion on Sept 10, 2007 15:58:34 GMT -5
Thank God, I made it safely through the weekend. Being in the company of some of my favorite people in the world (as my houseguests) made it easy for me. The K-9 protection is also a big help -- I strongly recommend it to everyone.
I received a very comforting explanation/apology from my friend (see previous posts). My jealous mind got the better of me last month, but it was all for nothing. I'll try to learn from my mistake.
My pledge for now is to stay clean through the High Holidays. The first big test for me may be this coming weekend.
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Post by likealion on Sept 11, 2007 12:06:14 GMT -5
Yesterday was a Monday. I came home, feeling dirty and tired, and I wanted to MB. Instead, I talked to my friend on the phone for a bit, and I studied Torah.
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Post by likealion on Sept 15, 2007 20:14:20 GMT -5
It's Saturday night. Normally (?) I would feel a certain gravity toward sin at this time. However, I just spent the last three days doing little but praying, eating and sleeping. I feel relaxed and whole. I don't want to look at P, not now, not ever.
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Post by likealion on Sept 16, 2007 20:49:55 GMT -5
Today I fasted all day. No cravings during the day. After I broke the fast, my body woke up and started hinting at some bad moves. Not today, no thank you.
For some reason, my phones aren't working.
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Post by likealion on Sept 17, 2007 22:49:34 GMT -5
Felt good today (especially for a Monday). It was easier because my boss was out of town. I'm trying to slow my mind down and have patience, rather than trying to fill every moment with intense experiences.
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Post by likealion on Sept 23, 2007 4:01:43 GMT -5
It's 5:00 AM on a Sunday morning. I have been P and MB for 2 weeks and 5 days. Trying to keep it that way.
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Post by nowforever on Sept 23, 2007 9:56:45 GMT -5
Keep up the good work!
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Post by likealion on Oct 22, 2007 0:01:13 GMT -5
Rather than trying to go cold turkey at this stage, I have set more modest goals for myself. I try to limit my P viewing to once a week. Also, no spilling of seed. This has been my routine for about three weeks now. Avoiding the wanton destruction of seed has been key to eliminating the irrational suicidal feelings which were haunting me. Still, I am addicted. My next goal will be to go 2 weeks without viewing P.
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