|
Post by MJ on Mar 7, 2007 6:45:35 GMT -5
Hey Ben, Thanks for stopping by in my journal. This is not an easy thing to deal with. I face the same rationalizations that you face. It's good to know that we're not alone. Keep us posted on things, okay? Your friend, MJ
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Mar 31, 2007 12:50:32 GMT -5
Hey MJ, it's always good to find input while I've been away. I understand why I disappear for such long periods of time... I do it because I'm not going to blog about failure, you know? I know how I can get sometimes, when every other entry is "crap I messed up AGAIN! ...but I won't NEXT time." I don't ever want to log-on just to write that bull(expletive) and and for the last month, it was pretty much all I had to say.
I work in these series of phases... ups and downs. FOr a quick review of the last two months: I was up, then I thought it would be okay if I could masturbate without looking at pornography, that got me down and I've been down until now. Today is day six. It's been my spring break. Tomorrow I go back down to school.
I'm writing because I can feel my self settling... getting comfortable. I'm forgetting that everytime I go back down to school from home I fall to temptation-by-association: basically falling just because I'm at school.
I still use the same technique that helped me out the first time. In addition to writing the date when refuse temptation, I also write down a reason to say no. I have accumulated so many good reasons. When I say "good" I mean GOOD reasons. Like check this out, on Wednesday I was having a knock-out withdrawl but I picked up my paper and read four reasons which gave me enough to overcome the temptation.
Maybe I'll type out some of the reasons later. For now, I'm just writing to reinstate my drive and remember the stakes. My goal is to continue on in purity when I get back to school.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Apr 29, 2007 10:15:30 GMT -5
---DAY 35--- It has been my goal for a very long time to complete an ENTIRE month... by "entire" month, I don't mean more than 30 days, I mean whole month from the first to the 30th. I've been as long as 50 days without completing a whole month. I don't think I've done it in at least two years.
I will accomplish this goal tomorrow.
My tactic is still the same. It's really increased my self control. It's funny how you can get "practice" at refusing temptation and "get good at it." Lately the reality of perhaps never looking at porn or masturbating again has been hitting me. It's almost unimaginable. Those thoughts occur to me, but I try to let them escape me and I remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing.
Anyway, I don't know how frequently I'll update anymore. Writing in this journal hasn't been a contributing factor to my recent success and I still fear that writing frequently will only cause me to dwell on the issue... I'm not going to lie though, the encouragement I've received from others HAS been a contributing factor. It feels so good to be able to talk about this in complete honesty and receive nothing but love and support. I hope when I am more stable I can return to the board – not to write in my own journal – but to read and write in others to return what I've taken.
Jeez, I'm writing as if I've graduated or something. Well, it's certainly not over yet... "day one, everyday," right?
|
|
|
Post by NoBull on Apr 29, 2007 11:58:19 GMT -5
Hey, nice job, Ben. A month is a huge accomplishment. Thanks for checking in.
Peace, NoBull
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Sept 21, 2007 10:41:58 GMT -5
well, true to where I last left off, i really havent been postung as frequently, have I?
I don't have a lot of time to write so im going to make this entry brief.
I'm starting a new commentment. Its a "No Lust" commitment. These are the terms: no porn no fantasies at night no clubbing or any other entertainment envolving women I don't know and here's the biggie: no looking. At all. On streets, on magazine covers, nothing.
Here's the unique thing about this fast: masturbation is allowed and encouraged.
Basically, I want to masturbation as a crutch. In the past, Ive fasted from masturbation AND porn, and as it has turned out, the self-denial has led to my downfall, not the lust for women. If i allow myself to masturbate without porn, the hope is that i can get off the porn addiction, which has always been first and foremost. I'll talk more about it later.
The last condition is journaling every day. 40 days, this is day 1.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Sept 21, 2007 15:34:10 GMT -5
"Basically, I want to masturbate as a crutch."
I don't now if I meant to say THAT, exactly. The thing is, I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbation. I know a lot of people do – and I used to think so myself – but two facts have me convinced that, while many of the activities and thoughts attached to masturbation maybe negative, there is nothing dirty or wrong about ejaculation itself. The two facts are (a) wet dreams and (b) the reduction of prostate cancer. So I don't want to deny my physical need to ejaculate occasionally, but I would like to disattach the lustful thoughts I've been associating with it for years. Some people think that's "impossible," but I've never tried before. In essence, the point of this fast is to purify the act of masturbation.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Sept 22, 2007 20:00:16 GMT -5
DAY 1 I know I said yesterday was day one, but to clarify, YESTERDAY I announced the fast, TODAY I start counting.
Today was good. I was at the beach all day with friends, so I was too busy to be distracted. My concern and focus right now is the rest of the evening.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Sept 23, 2007 22:56:46 GMT -5
DAY 2 Once again, another completely busy day. Writing this at 11:55pm. I've noticed that occasionally the thought occurs to me to take a "small peak." Before I can refuse the temptation, I've already satisfied it, but I've done a good job preventing gazing or staring.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Sept 24, 2007 19:10:40 GMT -5
DAY 3 If you write on this board for long enough, you start to get comfortable enough to be honest about everything. Well, It's been a while since I've written so frequently, but this is going to be one of those "uncomfortable" entries...
I'm just stupid. I masturbated to pornography, and do you want to know why? Because I thought I would masturbate and then I thought it would be more pleasurable if I had porn, so I got online.
Stupid.
Fortunately, I discovered that when you break a fast – especially when it's only been three days – for the sake of pleasure, it's not very pleasurable. The fast will continue, with one strike against me. Hopefully I'll remember how much this experience sucked and I'll let the porn be.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Sept 25, 2007 22:12:24 GMT -5
DAY 4
It's cool to see that so many people are now on the board that a day's worth of updates fills an entire page...
Today went well. The idea of looking up pornography occurred to me, but I responded with a different attitude. A fast isn't a question of whether or not I'm entitled to something (as I've been tempted to believe is the case with pornography,) but a choice to give something up. Though I don't think I'm entitled to pornography, by the way I've been living it hasn't been easy to tell the difference. Sure, in the long run I'd like to give porn up for good, but thinking about the long run is too challenging to handle day to day. Tomorrow, day 5, I will concern myself with giving up pornography tomorrow, because I CHOOSE to.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Sept 26, 2007 19:32:28 GMT -5
DAY 5
I don't know, I just can't seem to separate pornography from myself. I can also sense that I'm psychologically binging – meaning to say that if I wasn't "fasting," I would be CONSTANTLY looking at porn, but instead, I'm only looking at a little, and WISHING I could do it more.
This fast is over. I can't call it a fast because I won't choose to give up the thing I'm fasting from. This doesn't mean I'm giving up on this effort, however. Tomorrow I'm going to keep track of how many days I can go without looking at porn - with masturbation – and if/when I fail I'll see how many days I can go without masturbation, to determine if masturbation is actually a hindrance or an aide.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 4, 2007 6:19:00 GMT -5
I had a binge, but I think it's over now.
I want to be done with this. I'm going to take inventory of myself: my strengths and my weaknesses. Weakness I am not as disciplined as I may have once characterized myself I allow myself to be lonely, letting the world pas by without interacting in it, absorbed in my addiction I justify my negative behaviors as a result of loneliness I allow my addiction to manage how I spend my time I often disregard my commitments I let my goal for myself - my vision - go cloudy
Strengths I am determined I am aware of my situation have have a motivation and a reason to change it I am committed to this change On the other side of the clouds, I have a vision
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 5, 2007 6:31:50 GMT -5
DAY 2
This is very hard for me. I only woke up a half an hour ago. Lately I've been making a list – a morning agenda – so that I can focus on other things instead of deal with addiction first thing in the morning. But right now, in spite of myself, I really want the relief that has been so consistent in past days. I'm having to force myself to write this instead, but as I do, it gets easier.
The good news is that once the habit is broken, or even only interrupted, it gets harder to go back. Of course, the hardest part is initially interrupting it, which is what I'm trying to do right now.
Today I will make it.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 5, 2007 8:27:43 GMT -5
This is no longer "DAY 2," I've reset.
I did something wonderful today, but I paid a price for it...
To get over my addiction, I'm going to be basically following the AA's 12 steps. I started by taking inventory, the next step was taking into account all the people I've hurt. I feel like I've hurt pornstars and I feel like I've hurt my own perception of women.
I've hurt them my supporting the porn industry and I've hurt them by abusing their images. To take into account "all" the people I've hurt, I made a list of every pornstar that I can ever remember masturbating to. Of course, because I've been masturbating to pornography for eight years, I don't have "everyone," but I definitely have all the major ones and most of the ones I masturbated to more than once.
In compiling this list I had to go online for a reference. In doing this, I had to look up a person and that drew me into looking at pictures... so you can see what happened next. The thing is, I KNEW going into it that I wouldn't make it out "alive" - especially on a day like today (see above) – but I CHOSE to do it anyway because I knew I wanted that list to reflect upon and "right my wrongs."
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to pray that God will soften my heart towards the people on the list before I have to read the names again (in hopes of preventing what I did today.) By next week, I'll read the names on the list and pray for forgiveness for each and every one. There are 67 names.
|
|
Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
|
Post by Zed on Oct 5, 2007 8:40:47 GMT -5
Proverbs 5
|
|