|
Post by sandpaper on Feb 21, 2006 9:02:10 GMT -5
Thanks for the tips, SH. I'll definitely look into them.
I think the major reason I have road rage tendencies relates to the men around whom I was raised. Every male figure, including my father, all of his four brothers, and my paternal grandfather are very aggressive drivers, are hyper-sensitive to the behavior others on the road, and feel personally offended when someone makes a manuver that's inconsiderate of them. Given how children learn how to deal with the world based on the way in which they see their role models do so, I think it very likely I picked up these tendencies in this way.
The difficult thing is, like so many aspects of myself, these tendencies are inconsistent with who I feel I really am and want to be, and how I conduct myself toward others when I'm not on the road. It's like an anger streak that I fulfill when I'm in the car because I'm surrounded by people I don't know and therefore can get away with being aggressive and petty. As soon as I get out of my car, I am generally very friendly and considerate to those whom I encounter in person during the day. I truly believe all of these negative tendencies are part of the same package of behaviors and pathology that underlie my addiction.
Anyway, I'm working on it, not only because I need to for my own sense of well-being, but also because I don't want to model such behaviors to my son.
Thanks for the comments.
SP
|
|
|
Post by Brad7 on Feb 21, 2006 21:17:23 GMT -5
Sandpaper
You mention in your posts several times that you want to change your attitudes to things. You have a measure of this change. This is good. If there is no tangable evidence of the change in you attitude it is likely that there is not really a big change in attitude if any at all.
Liz had a thread on anger which I posted on. It was discussed at length. I would not get too hung up on expressing anger. Often it does not harm the person you are expressing your anger with and it might be very harmful to you to hold your anger in. If I cut someone up in my car and the driver of the other car shouted at me or made a jester, I would not get too upset, if I was at fault. If it was his fault, that would be a different matter. Anger can get to be an automatic response to a difficult situation. This is maybe what you are talking about.
Best wishes
Brad
|
|
|
Post by sandpaper on Feb 23, 2006 23:30:25 GMT -5
Thanks for the thoughts, Brad7.
You're right that some of the anger I experience is a "normal" response to certain situations. I think what troubles me, however, are those situations in which I create an angry emotion where it is otherwise unnecessary or "abnormal," thereby creating needless stress.
I think you're also right that just talking about wanting to change my attitude is far removed than actually doing it. I suppose I talk about it a lot because the things I need/want to change are heavily fixed in my personality and therefore I feel I can change them only through incremental steps and insights.
Thanks again.
Ciao.
|
|
|
Post by sandpaper on Feb 24, 2006 22:21:54 GMT -5
Right now, I'm tired. I've been working far too much lately. I enjoy my work, but -- as with many things in my life -- I tend to be obsessive and perfectionistic about it, which can actually be counter-productive.
Sometimes I think my "addiction" to a life of obsession, worry, and work is far more problematic than my addiction to P/MB. At the very least, the latter is merely a subset of the former; the former being the real bear.
At any rate, I've been thinking lately about how best to use this journal. I feel the need to take a deep look into my life, who I am, and how I got to where I am today. To that end, henceforth I will use this journal to trace a brutally-honest account of my life history; from my earliest childhood memories to today. Along the way, I will try to describe to myself the development of my personality, including my sexual identity and all of the tendencies, predilections, and habits of which I am now composed. I will write this in the third person because I think that will give me a more objective view.
|
|
|
Post by lmaj76 on Feb 24, 2006 22:34:19 GMT -5
Hey Sandpaper!
I have found that an "inventory" of who I really am has helped to trace the "real issues" surrounding my addiction. Looking forward to your posts!
God Bless!
L
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 24, 2006 22:37:23 GMT -5
I will be interested in reading your journal of self-discovery, Sandpaper. I see some of my own tendencies (other than porn) in you - the drive to work hard and succeed, and try to do things well; the tendency to release feelings in the safety of relative anonymity (eg car); the tendency to feel hurt by small things and inability to get in touch with these feelings at the time. So go to it. I'll be listening and commenting. Still
|
|
|
Post by sandpaper on Feb 25, 2006 11:11:19 GMT -5
I've decided to use the first-person because it's just less cumbersome:
I was born on April 22, 1976, into a middle class American family in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. My parents were fairly young – both 23 at the time – and I was their second child, as my mother had given birth to my brother less than one year earlier.
Both of my parents came from families with five children. They were working-class families, as my paternal grandfather was a firefighter and my maternal grandfather a police officer, both in the city of D.C. That, however, is the extent of similarities between the families.
My father’s family is Italian and Irish. In many ways, they exemplify the stereotypes of such families. They are loud, crass, big eaters and drinkers, generally pessimistic and skeptical about the world, highly-opinionated, overly-sensitive, hypocritical, self-righteous, Catholic (when required at least), and just generally melodramatic in their approach. They are also loving and supportive of one another and can be a whole lot of fun. Problems in my father’s family are handled directly and in a very public manner. My paternal grandfather and three of my father’s brothers are and have been for a long time alcoholics and/or drug-abusers. I have always been drawn to and at the same time repulsed by my father’s family, which I will likely flesh out later.
My mother’s family is Lebanese and (yes, oddly enough) American Indian. They are quiet, timid, unassuming, conservative, very emotional, and extremely religious – almost to the point of neurosis. They “deal” with problems by pretending there is no problem and letting the passage of time make decisions for them. My maternal grandmother was addicted to prescription medications for more than 30 years, including while she was pregnant with her younger children. She is still alive and off the medications, but the damage has been done. Indeed, in my almost 30 years, I have never known her in a truly lucid state of mind. The last of my mother’s siblings was born severely mentally retarded and the family – in its own quiet and passive way – resented my grandmother based on speculation that her drug abuse caused my uncle’s disability. My grandfather even left the family for several years because he couldn’t deal with the situation. The unique dynamics of my mother’s family have made it difficult for me to establish a real, personal connection with them, which I will also likely address later.
Given their very different backgrounds, my parents have almost nothing in common, other than their children. Not surprisingly, they were divorced not long after they wed. I have no memory of my parents being together because I was only one year of age at the time they split.
Despite the influence of Mediterranean blood in my family, which gave my brother the expected darker features, I came out with fair skin, eyes, and hair, which made me different from the start. . .
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 26, 2006 9:13:51 GMT -5
Interesting...
What a difference, hey? But dont' forget, Sandpaper. At one stage, your parents really loved one another. Remember the old saying: "Opposites attract." You were wanted and you were loved. Your parents had issues with one another and divorced for that reason. It is sad that you don't recall them being together.
Keep writing -
Still
|
|
|
Post by Brad7 on Feb 26, 2006 16:05:40 GMT -5
Sandpaper
Do not get too hung up on your parents. They are your parents, if they did not get together, you would not have been born. You should be thankful for that. I find it good that you can describe your family, but your post has a hint of judgement of your familly in it. Who are you to judge your family? Judge the rest of the world, the people you have dealings with and your politicans but try to leave judgement of your parents and your family alone.
Best wishes
Brad
|
|
|
Post by sandpaper on Feb 27, 2006 1:12:45 GMT -5
Brad7,
Generally, I agree with your position regarding passing judgment. That is why I am very careful before I do so. I know my family very well and feel I have the ability to judge their character. Probably, the more troublesome thing for people who read the description of them is not that I did judge them, but how I did so.
Believe it or not, I did not intend for the description to be especially negative. That is just the way I see it. Indeed, I possess many of those things that I may characterize as negative or problematic among my family members. I don't love them any less for it. I just refer to those things to give a backdrop against which my development occurred.
__________________________
There are two things I neglected to mention in the last post, the relevance of which are open to debate. First, my brother and I have speculated, based on various anecdotal evidence, that my father cheated on my mother, which was actually the primary impetus for their split. I think I tend to view the split as representative of their irreconcilable personality and familial differences because I just can’t see them together. Second, I was unplanned, which is probably obvious given that my brother is only 11 months older than I am.
At any rate, after my parents divorced, my mother moved in with and married my step-father in short order. My brother and I also believe she had made sure this arrangement was in place before leaving my father. The stories have never been consistent in this regard and I decided long ago I don’t really care about the chronology of those events. I know my mother is timid, having been raised in a very protective, conservative home, and has always needed and wanted the guidance of a male figure in her life. So the ensuring continuity from one husband to the next is something I would have expected she would seek. At this point, my brother and I moved in with my mother and step-father and began visitation with my father every other weekend. Due to the introduction of my stepfather into the equation, I now had three parental figures in my life. So from this point on, when I refer to “my parents,” the reference includes all three, except when otherwise indicated.
Even though I now believe my brother and I are very much alike, we were outwardly quite different growing up. He was loud, brazen, irresponsible, and difficult to control in general. I, on the other hand, was quiet, reserved, and eager to please. Some of this difference is certainly related to biological differences. The primary reason for the difference, however (at least I believe), was by choice. From a very early age, I innately watched my brother’s behavior very closely and the reaction of my parents to it. I did this to learn what pleased and displeased them. I began almost immediately to mold my behavior according to what received positive feedback. When I was very young, I’m sure the primary motivation for this approach was to procure love and attention, which was probably normal. As I grew older, however, the motive changed slightly as I became more aware of the problems within the family. In addition, I began to counterbalance the “model” behavior in front of my parents with destructive, “bad” behavior out of their view . . .
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 27, 2006 3:56:12 GMT -5
Hello Sandpaper,
I am also a second child, and my elder sibling was "badly behaved", much as you describe your older brother, and also the age gap was quite small (although until this very minute, I assumed I was planned - what different assumptions you and I have made!).
I also became keenly aware of how to be rewarded with 'good' attention for 'good' behaviour. Basically, this meant being well-behaved - doing as I was told. Meanwhile, the assertive "me" who had rights and wanted to be treated fairly was developing internally in parallel. I've continued to struggle to be treated fairly all my life. I've spent much time in solitude rather than be treated unfairly. I'll be interested to see how your 'rebellion' pans out.
Keep writing. It is doing you good. It is liberating you.
Still
|
|
|
Post by Brad7 on Feb 27, 2006 4:33:01 GMT -5
Stillhopeful
I have a similar trait as you are describing. I have often had a solitary existance rather than leaving myself open to the big bad, unfair world. I have always been keen to please as well. However, I think that is just a way we have found to cope. There is nothing inherently wrong with it. It could even me regarded as a virtue by many. There is one trait that I have found that we "second siblings" are maybe guilty of and that is we tend to want let others do things for us. We get lazy.
Sandpaper
I am finding out things about my family today which my parents did not tell me about. They are no big deal to me and are just intriguing. My parents are dead. They did not tell me about them because it was too hurtful for them. Your inquiries are fine, but remember that they need to be done sensitively as they will be hurtful to your mother. You need to be very certain about it before mentioning it to your mother as some mothers would just deny it completely because of the hurt there. You do not want that to happen.
Best wishes
Brad
|
|
|
Post by sandpaper on Mar 3, 2006 9:03:54 GMT -5
Thanks for the comments, SH and B7.
I’ve honestly had a hard time recently moving forward with this story. It feels like pulling teeth.
________________________________ I realize now that by the age of three or four, I had developed an ideal in my mind regarding how a loving, good family should be. I saw it as one where everyone loved each other all of the time, never got mad, and was always kind and sensitive. To this day, I don’t know where this idea came from, especially given my age, lack of peer influence, and the split in my family. At any rate, that was the ideal, and from then on I sought to make it real, despite the constraints of reality. And this was not just an abstract ideal I merely hoped to reach; I absolutely, positively could not stand tension or problems with my home. It made me literally sick to my stomach.
There was what I see now as natural tension in the family, as my stepfather had stepped into a father-figure role, which inevitably pushed my father slightly outside the circle of influence and relevance. My father resented this deeply and was very critical of my stepfather. Not only was my brother rebellious in general, my father’s disdain of my stepfather fueled my brother’s unwillingness to accept my stepfather as a parental figure. This, of course, caused tension in mother’s household, as my mother was distraught with how to deal with my brother’s unruly behavior and attitude toward my stepfather. (My mother is very sensitive and prone to depression, worry, and self-doubt – very much like I am – which made these issues even more difficult for her.) In addition, my stepfather struggled to fill a role my brother and father were determined to prevent him from filling.
Hence, I set about to fill what I now call the “peacemaker” role. I tried to ameliorate the tension and problems in the household. I did this principally by (1) befriending my stepfather and letting him know at least one of the children accepted him as a parent, even though I really had my own doubts; (2) modeling behavior for my mother and stepfather that was consistent with what they considered “good”; and (3) relatedly, effectively burying my own concerns and problems – whether standard childhood fears, complaints about issues within the family, or just plain a desire to be whining or difficult because that’s what kids do sometimes – so as not to add additional stressors to the family life. Keeping the peace within the home was far more vital to me than the ability to express my own concerns, be rambunctious, or have fun.
My behavior was reinforced over time because it did make a difference: my mother complimented my behavior all of the time, made clear that she was happy that at least one of her children was quiet, sensitive, and a “good” kid (she always lamented over how she could have given birth to such an unruly child as my brother, given her timid, sensitive disposition), and repeatedly told me that my “good” behavior and friendliness made my stepfather feel more comfortable and less isolated within the home. And again, the more content everyone was, the more content I was.
Today, when I look back on this time, I see that this was a defining moment in my life. The behavior in which I engaged formed the following personality characteristics and pathologies:
(1) A belief that I can – and should – control the environment around me such that everyone was friendly, loving, and respectful toward one another;
(2) I can – and should – manipulate things to reach this goal because I, and everyone around me, will be happier and more comfortable if we all like each other as much as possible;
(3) I can be whoever I need to be in order to fit in, be liked, and influence everyone else to get along;
(4) “Real” love means people must be endlessly giving, sensitive, and caring; i.e., if people fight with each other, there are real and dangerous problems in the relationship;
(5) If someone doesn’t like me or is otherwise unhappy with my behavior, work, or attitude, something must be wrong with me; i.e., I must modify my behavior in accordance with the expectation of others; (6) I am the best person to determine how and whether my behavior is appropriate in a given circumstance; i.e., I am my own best judge of my character and abilities. This seems facially inconsistent with number 5. But it really isn’t: to take on a peacemaker role, one must be very good at controlling his or her own behavior;
(7) My personal desires, wants, and/or needs can and should be placed second to the goal of ensuring those in my immediate circle – friends, family, co-workers, etc. – are content not only among themselves, but also with me.
These beliefs were reinforced as a child not only for the positive feedback they received, but also because I saw real results. I actually did have the ability to impact the level of happiness within the home. The group of people over whom I exerted this influence, however, was rather small. The older I got, the more people came into my life, and the more difficult and unrealistic these efforts became . . . .
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Mar 3, 2006 21:49:17 GMT -5
Hi Sandpaper, With some minor differences (not worth documenting), and one or two major differences (notably, my parents remained married to dad, and my mother was loud and intimidating, rather than shy and quiet), that could have been me you were talking about, growing up. However, I had not thought of the insight you have provided regarding inability to maintain similar levels of control: it is simply impossible to achieve when there are so many others consituting our social/family/work circles in later years. That's a really good insight. I have had to learn over the years (I think I am a little older than you - in my fifties ) that (among other things): - not everyone should be expected to like me; - not every altercation is my fault or responsibility to resolve; - the other person is quite often the one with the problem; - others are hiding the conflict they have grown up with and that remains part of their daily life (often they are in denial and have developed short memories, to retain their positive self-images); - I needed to learn to speak up for myself, even if there is ensuing conflict. Keep reflecting and writing. See, you are getting some feedback, even though it's not something you can control! Still
|
|
|
Post by sandpaper on Mar 4, 2006 12:04:39 GMT -5
You're definitely right in your statements about the control issues.
On a related point, I also believe those issues gave birth to my perfectionistic, all-or-nothing, "if I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to do it at all" attitude.
I will continue the story shortly.
|
|