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Post by sandpaper on Jan 25, 2006 22:58:55 GMT -5
Things are okay at the moment. I am focusing principally on my attitude and perspective, trying to remind myself of the good things in life and to better appreciate them.
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Post by sandpaper on Jan 27, 2006 9:22:01 GMT -5
Implementing this plan regarding my attitude and perspective is very challenging, as it goes against the grain of my existing disposition. I shan't give up, however, because I know it's the key to happiness and recovery from PA.
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Post by sandpaper on Jan 28, 2006 13:16:50 GMT -5
I had some sexually-charged dreams last night and feel triggered today. I'm going to have to be careful.
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Post by choselife on Jan 28, 2006 14:18:49 GMT -5
Hey, I had them the night before. The urge will pass if we let it. We both can do it.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Jan 28, 2006 19:43:06 GMT -5
Thanks for the support, CL.
I have to say, the sexually-charged dreams are my most powerful trigger right now. I can control and/or moderate my exposure to other triggers during the day, but I can't do much about the dreams, which leave me feeling very frustrated the next day.
Hopefully, such dreams will taper off and eventually stop altogether.
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Post by sandpaper on Jan 30, 2006 21:43:04 GMT -5
Every day during my lunch hour at work, I've been taking a long walk down to the bay, sitting by the water, and remembering what is real. This has been very helpful.
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 1, 2006 9:27:09 GMT -5
I have been plagued a lot over the last few days with intense thoughts of sexual fantasy, in my dreams and while awake. I'm not sure what the kick off point was, but I am struggling to keep things under control. I'm going to have to keep it real cool.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 1, 2006 10:20:55 GMT -5
Hi Sandpaper,
I've been meaning to read your journal for a while now, but have only time to read the last few posts as it's late where I live. I am an SO, by the way.
Your posts seem to be suppressing detailed feelings. Can you complete the following sentences, without giving them too much thought?
I feel sad because... (fill in)
I feel angry because... (fill in)
I feel lonely because... (fill in)
I feel anxious because... (fill in)
I feel hurt because... (fill in)
However...
I feel glad that... (fill in)
I am glad that I realised that... (fill in)
I feel relieved that... (fill in)
I feel successful because... (fill in)
Try to do the exercise. It may help.
Also, do you have a support group of friends, colleagues, family and professionals? If not, this is something worth building. It takes time (eg a year to get it completely developed) but is very valuable and will form an important part of your recovery and life in the years ahead.
I will try to catch up with your journal next time I visit.
all the best,
Still
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 1, 2006 22:46:37 GMT -5
I agree that my posts of late have not been very detailed. This is due in part to the fact that I keep another, more detailed journal of my own and also because I honestly haven't quite determined the exact role this journal should play in my recovery process.
In answer to your questions:
I feel sad, angry, lonely, anxious, and hurt because I am a PA/SA.
However...
I feel glad I am aware of and realized I have problem.
I feel relieved that there is hope.
I feel successful because I have made some progress.
There are, of course, more involved reasons and issues, but these come to mind first.
You all are my only group of friends and direct support.
Thank you for your interest.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 2, 2006 7:33:30 GMT -5
Life is funny.
It seems to give each of us a set of peculiar challenges with which we must deal.
For me, obviously this addiction is in the cards.
It also seems becoming a parent is something that won't come easy.
It took my SO and I 1.5 years of trying before she got pregnant. Now, 16 weeks into the pregnancy, we are told that preliminary testing indicates the baby may have DS. Although it is premature to consider the results conclusive, just the chance is devastating.
At any rate, I guess we take what we are handed and deal with it as best we can.
Ciao.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 2, 2006 21:37:12 GMT -5
Hi Sandman,
(((hugs)))
Can you get some further advice on this possibility from another medical test? One opinion is not sufficient to go by. This is a tough challenge for you and your SO but whatever the result, you and your SO will cope.
Life certainly has a way of throwing curve balls, for sure. Is there someone close to you that you can share this concerning news with? You need some support at this time. It's quite a shock for you to take on your own. Your SO should do likewise. In fact, going to a counsellor asap to digest this possibility would be a good idea as well.
Call in your support crew.
I'll be here following your story.
Remember that many DS children lead happy lives along with their parents.
(((hugs)))
Still
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Post by sandpaper on Feb 4, 2006 12:32:43 GMT -5
Thanks for you kind words, SH. We are going in for further testing and have the support of our family and friends.
I've decided to remain positive throughout the process. I will try to remain happy about the fact that we have a child on the way and not worry about any abnormalities until they are actually confirmed to be true.
At any rate, even if he (we found out during the testing it is a boy!) were DS child, I don't think I'd support terminating the pregnancy because he's still my son, whatever is "wrong" with him.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 4, 2006 17:30:34 GMT -5
Yes, I agree. He is still your son and he will bring much joy to you and to the world, no matter what. I am glad you have your family for support. Also, look how well you are doing at looking for the silver lining - not worrying until there is confirmation, and "he is still your son"! You are able to see the bright side, after all. You have found this skill at an important time in your life. So keep it up. Life always has positives - in every situation.
I'll be watching this space. Let us know your news and how you are feeling.
Thinking of you -
Still
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Post by Stillhopeful on Feb 6, 2006 4:12:34 GMT -5
Sandpaper,
Please let us know how you are doing.
With caring,
Still
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Post by jh on Feb 6, 2006 4:35:18 GMT -5
True heroes are few and far between, you, my friend, are a true hero. I wish you all the best with the test results and I believe that you fill receive endless love from you son.
Have a good week.
- jh
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