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Post by creole on Aug 23, 2005 16:32:49 GMT -5
Still don't know what H is disappointed about; when he told me hewas disappointed in me yesterday, I could tell he was angry. He told me last night that he wasn't angry with me any more but he wanted to know if I had an inkling as to what he was disappointed about. I told him that I wasn't trying to be rude or anything, but that I wasn't a mind reader, that he needed to just go ahead and tell me what was up. Nothing. . . .
I am concerned about his anxiety level. . .it is noticeable. In the past, an anxiety attack would be a precursor to his acting out. I can always tell when H is in this state--he withdraws, becomes more introverted than he usually is, and is visibly on a "short fuse". I "shared" with him my concerns about his anxiety, told him that when he allows his anxiety to control him, to make him irritable and cranky, I become very concerned and anxious myself, that I have a hard time not fading into the background so that I don't become the target of his temper. He told me this morning that he was so tired of dealing with the overwhelming anxiety and that he doesn't know what causes it, but that he was determined not to "go back" to his former way of dealing with it. I hugged him and told him that I really didn't understand why he was tormented with the anxiety, but that I loved him and that I hoped he would focus on the positives for the day rather than the feelings. He said that he is at a place in his Carnes workbook that is difficult for him and he is all out of sorts with the personal work and his office/work situation.
Off to the counselor this pm; will explore WHY I violated my boundaries regarding sex with him last weekend. I mean, what was I thinking? Better question, what was I feeling. . .it really is "one step forward, two steps back". . .
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Post by creole on Aug 31, 2005 15:18:00 GMT -5
Its been more than a week since I last posted. So much has happened. . .
Last weekend, H & I took a trip to a popular resort city in an adjacent state to spend a weekend togther. He and I had an interesting discussion regarding his PA which devolved when he asked me how my quitting the cigarettes was going. I told him that I was almost over my addictive cravings for the nicotine; I asked him if he had experienced any withdrawal symptoms when he quit the MB & porn. He very quickly told me that he hadn't had any withdrawal symptoms.. . . . .Humm. . .my mind just shifted into another gear. Since I discovered his addiction and began counseling, our counselor advised me not to question him about what he did, the extent of his acting out, so I have no real idea of how often he acted out, of what really triggered him (although I have a good idea). Is he telling me the truth about his lack of withdrawal? Is he still indulging in the MB? If he is, he's not exhibiting the depression that I feel sure accompanied the previous behavior. I'm confused. . . .
I am deeply saddened by nature's destruction of one of my favorite cities, New Orleans. As a native Louisianian (hence the name "Creole" which means "native to the colony"), I feel very blessed that I had the opportunity to visit and experience the "old New Orleans", in all of its decadence, beauty and historical significance. In spite of the horrendous crime rate, New Orleans is one of my favorite places to just spend time. I have no words that can adequately describe my feelings at this catastrophe. As a human, the loss of life is tragic; as a genealogist and an amateur historian, the cultural and historical losses are staggering. The looting is disgraceful. . . . .those folks are in my prayers. I hope that all the people of our state can work together to alleviate the suffering and losses that those folks have experienced.
Yesterday was my birthday; I am fast approaching the big "50". I'm grateful that I was here to celebrate another year. I resolved to make a list of goals--short term (achievable within 3 months), mid-range (achievable within 6 months) and long term (year +). I think it will be a positive way for me to stay focused on my needs and wishes rather than again falling into the co-dependent song & dance of trying to please him, of trying to make him happy.
It is scary, he is happy (or seems to be). I don't really know if I'm happy or if I'm simply feeling some emotional relief that I don't have to put up with any BS from him any more. Perhaps, it is appropriate that happiness be defined. Is it merely an absence of emotional pain, is it something as simple as living for the moment, in the present, with each and every breath? I am not unhappy, but I really can't say that I am happy. Enough of this. . . .
With regard to resuming sexual intimacy with my H, he really wants me to seduce him but I've told him that I can't do that, that I feel it would be to "triggering" as it was a prevaling element in all of his fantasy essays. Then he changes his mind and tells me that what he wants really wasn't in the essays, those were written to achieve a particular pupose in his addiction. *Sigh*. And men talk about women and their emotional swings. . .PUHLEAZE!
Had a great job offer last week also. . .told H about it and he became really upset. He was very complimentary that the company had recognized my abilities, but he just didn't think that it would be a good opportunity for me. . .time on the road and away from him, not enough $$ for the perks, etc. Basically, he just didn't want me to leave. I told him that I'd have to look out for me. . .what was best for me. He ain't happy bout it.
If anyone reads this, please keep the South Louisiana and Mississippi refugees in your thoughts and prayers. To lose all--home, job, family. They need our prayers. . . .
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Post by creole on Sept 7, 2005 16:21:37 GMT -5
I am very sad today. I've had a difficult time managing my tears. . .I've acknowledged to others that I'm having a difficult day, but, nevertheless, it has been difficult for me to focus on my work and be productive.
Since the last post, moments in the struggle to rebuild a relationship with my H have been incredibly beautiful while others have deteriorated into pure volitile hell on earth. I doubt the city of New Orleans could be a toxic as some of the words that were hurled. . . .his delivered in anger and frustration, my delivered with hurt deliberation.
Damm, I hate enforcing boundaries as much as he hates for me to do it. Why can't he understand that it is the consequences of his choice. . . .I didn't make him choose to sneak that *J* into the house, I didn't make him smoke it, and he doesn't understand why I didn't smile and pat him on the head and tell him it was ok, just don't do it again.
"How dare you make me feel like I'm 10 years old again. . . ."
"I ain't ya mamma, ya heah? You all grown up now, and can decide what you do and don't wanna do"
"I am a grown man and I will do. . . ."
"Yes you are a grown man, at least physically you are. Emotionally, I am not real sure how old you are. Anyway, its your choice--you go ahead and do, but it will be without me. Enjoy yourself. C-Ya!"
Packed my bags, took my dogs and drove to my Mom's for a long weekend. Telephone service was disrupted due to the aftermath of the hurricane but I made myself not answer the cell phone and enjoyed the time in the country--quiet, birdsong, shaded gardens, the puppy playing with Mamma's kittens. Mamma knows that I'm struggling right now, but she doesn't know the reason why.
Stuck in a rut. . .same song, same dance, different day. I'm asking myself if I really have the heart and determination to hang onto this relationship. . . .in many respects my H is a good man, well educated, articulate, talented, but it is difficult being married to a 54 year old who is only an adolescent emotionally. Thought I was through raising children. . .
Speaking of children, one of the things that saddens me today is that I've acknowledged to myself that I really wasn't the best mom to my children that I could have been. I was so busy and concerned about whether I was making him happy, that he not get angry, etc. that I couldn't and wasn't there for them in so many ways. Acknowledging that shortcoming hurts so much. . . .now I must find a way to make amends, if I ever can. The thought is an overwhelming one, and my intense feelings of guilt and inadequacy are monumental.
Will go back to the house tonight. . . .it will be difficult to not check the computer history. H has already asked me to talk with him tonight. Bottom line-- with the alcohol or the *J*, he is still self-medicating his anxiety and fear, he's just substituted them for the P & MB. He won't honor my boundaries.
I previously stated to my friends and family that if I EVER got rid of this husband, I'd NEVER get married again. Its beginning to sound like a positive affirmation. No children at home, so why am I staying with him? Love isn't enough. . . .
I'm wailing with Aretha, "Good To Me As I Am To You". . . . .
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Post by creole on Sept 9, 2005 16:28:55 GMT -5
Man oh man, have I failed myself; yesterday to be exact. I've forgiven myself, and am actually relieved that H knows, but I sure wasn't happy last night.
My H has a major phobia about finances, especially debt. My major hobby over the years that we've been married has been my involvement with equine activities. I've raised horses, participated in equine competitions (western events), foaled out mares, worked all aspects of a horse show and cried when the time came to say goodbye to my friends of many years. Anyway, until earlier this year, in an effort to "control" me, my SAH gave me an "allowance" that he considered sufficient for me to support my equine activities. Well, after Revelation Day in May, I made some major changes, one of which is that I now contribute what I consider to be a suffucient amount for our joint household obligations--vehicle notes, mortgage note, utilities, grocieries. etc. I have returned ALL credit cards, so there is not credit card debt from me.
Nevertheless, money, the spending of it, the control fo it has always been a MAJOR issue for us. We live modestly, our debt is practically nonexistent, so what is the problem?
Earlier this year I agreed to help my youngest brother obtain a horse trailer. He needed to move his horses over 1,200 miles to his current work location, and the old trailer he had wasn't gonna make the trip. My brother had declared bankruptcy several years ago and his credit isn't sufficient for him to obtain a loan to buy the trailer. So, will full knowledge that H would stroke out, I obtained a short term loan in my name and gavehim the funds to buy the trailer; brother sends me a check each month for the payment which is debited from my checking account. Truth of the matter, the trailer is more than halfway paid for and should be completely paid for within the next 90 days.
Well, H has a trust issue with me over the way I spend $$; in the years since I had the "allowance" I kept my money and bank balances private. In an effort to be more open with him I agreed to put my account on the quicken and to give him access to it. Its been available to him for the last 60 days and he finally decided to check to see how much I have in it and discovered the payment.
Needless to say, H was not very happy. . . .I acknowledged his feelings and told him that I understood how he felt about me obligating him for a debt that he was unaware of because that is how I had felt when he had taken a loan at the bank years ago for his music venture. He asked me why I hadn't asked him about it in the first place and why I hadn't told him about it.
I was honest there--I told him that at that time, we were both like two sticks of lit dynamite that was just waiting for the fuse to burn and that I really didn't care to do that with him, that at that time, I couldn't talk with him about anything that didn't make him mad and that I knew what his reaction and decision would be.
I apologized to him and told him that I wouldn't do something like this again. He wanted me to promise that I'd NEVER help anyone out. I told him that I couldn't promise that. . .that in the future I would discuss and if we disagreed and I did do something like that, he'd know about it.
H called me a hypocrite. . . .and I realized that I had been. Hard to look in the mirror sometimes.
H then wanted to know what I was saving all the $$ for; I told him that in 5 years, I intended to be on my own acreage, with my horses, my dogs, some chickens and a garden and if we were still together then, he was more than welcome to come on with me, but I intended to do it. That is a long term goal. He didn't look happy but who knows. . . .
Conversation then turned life insurance policies, to estate planning--wills, powers-of-attorney, etc. We obviously don't see eye to eye there either. . . .
48 hours and counting. . . . .countdown to who knows what?
Praying for civility. . . .
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Post by creole on Sept 28, 2005 14:46:52 GMT -5
Whew, been almost 3 weeks since I last posted; H and I have gained some positive ground and it feels really nice. For the first time in almost 4 months, I am beginning to actually feel good 90% of the time.
I’ve been keeping up with all (I read the Board almost daily) but decided to take a “time out” to focus more intently on my recovery. I found a great quote. . .
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced"
I thought that this quote really sums up recovery from an addiction, and its pretty relevant and applicable to any problem in life, not just addiction. In retrospect, since the discovery of his addiction, I've really worked hard to change my focus and my attitude toward positive self-empowerment and proaction. I don't always succeed, but at least that is one of my daily goals. Has it been worth the effort? Honestly, with regard to the change in my outlook, my attitude and my self-esteem, the recovery work has been worth all the pain and the cost. My new philosophy is to "live in the present" reality that helps me thru each day, a reality that says "I am my own first priority" and means it. Live in the present, the reality is HERE & NOW, not tomorrow, and not yesterday which is done, finished.
In May, I knew something was wrong with my H; our marriage was so bad, we had emotionally separated and our relationship was so shaky, that we could trigger the Richter scale. I just didn't have the courage to actually do anything about it, I was afraid of what would happen to me. . .boy did that ever change after Revelation Day in May. I’ve lived thru an emotional hurricane, one that annihilated my trust in my H. Sometimes, destruction is positive, like a fire a Yellowstone that consumes the forests, but results in a new, stronger habitat for the wildlife. With that in mind, I’m giving H & myself the opportunity to build a new relationship to replace the one destroyed by the SA. Establishing boundaries and the consequences has been very difficult for me since I never had them before. H is working diligently with our counselor and I can really see the positive changes in him–he is more up front about what he is feeling, he is more open about his computer use (at least on the home computer) and he isn’t so angry and moody and withdrawn. I’m a fool but I do love the man, and would really like for the two of us to always remain friends, even if our marriage and relationship don't survive. The reality is that H will always be in recovery. . .will always struggle with the SA, and I must prepare for the worst possible scenario as to the final outcomes. I don’t mean to worry and obsess, I mean that I must be financially prepared to care for myself, I must be emotionally prepared to end the marriage and relationship should he choose the darkness of the addiction rather than life in the present with me. Its been very difficult for me to face these decisions, to make the choices that are best for me. All I can do is control my choices and hope that my decisions are sound ones based on the consequences that will result from them.
A question I’ve been pondering lately is this: can you have a real marriage, a really truly intimate relationship with someone you can’t and don’t trust, and never will trust? My attitude toward trust has changed, totally justified consequence of his choice. I do not trust him 100% totally like I did before the discovery of the PA. . .he will never again have the "blind faith" trust that he enjoyed previously. Oh, on some levels, he is trusted, but on others, never. He “assumes” that all is copacetic. I’ve had to catch myself a couple of times. . .it would be real easy to go back to "business as usual", let him handle the finances, let him make decisions, but then self-preservation and self worth kick in and remind me that if I allowed that to happen, the results would make me VERY unhappy and its just not an option anymore
H has also told me that he really isn’t sure what he wants either. He is still emotionally handicapped. . .H says that he loves me, and I know that he does, but he hasn’t begun to really address his co-dep issues. I realize that when he completes his counseling for the Co-Dep issues, he may decide that he doesn’t want to be married to me any more. Sad? Perhaps, but the bottom line is that I could have left in May, could have “cleaned his plate” but I chose not to. Only time will tell if this choice has been a foolish one.
Living in the present reality, chanting the Serenity Prayer. . . .
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Post by creole on Oct 4, 2005 14:56:56 GMT -5
Another week. Confused today.
I am verra impatient with my H and I'm also dealing with a couple of specific triggers which cause my intuition to escalate to that of a heat seeking missle acquiring the target. Damm, I know that I am justified in feeling like I do. H is impatient with me--he feels that I'm not being empathetic to him. I am doing my best to feel empathy for him, to try to understand what he's dealing with in his recovery, but he seems satisfied to just continue with the status quo as its been for the last few weeks. My recovery, well, its MY recovery right?
In the past week, two specific incidents triggered my intuition and the subsequent feelings. The one which really pushes the intuition button is my H's secretary of the last seven years. Yes, she really is beautiful and physically what I am not. I am beautiful too, but I’m a Botticelli woman and I daily deal with my own self-image issues; I’m extremely self-critical and I have to really work on positive affirmations. Anyway, she is a trigger for me because after Revelation Day I discovered that H wrote several of his fantasy essays about him and her, which really hurt like hell. When confronted with the essays at the time I discovered them, H says that it was just his dirty mind totally out of control. Yeah, right. This past week, he told me that he would be taking her to lunch, that they needed to discuss some issues at the office. I asked him why they couldn't discuss the issues in either his office or her office and why the heck did they have to go to lunch for that? He just said he wanted to take her to lunch. That choice really wasn't effective in making me feel ANY DAMMED empathy at all. H swears to me that he has never been involved with her, but who really knows? He has lied before, and he lied repeatedly, and as much as I love him and want to trust him, bottom line is I cannot. My intuition tells me that yeah, one part of the lunch conversation did focus on office issues, but its possible it could have been more than lunch between boss & secretary, including conversation that wasn't just office talk. Managing my feelings about this lunch has been a monumental task. Then, I find out on Sunday pm that H & his boss are heading out of town to meet with clients/associates and will be gone overnight. Prior to Revelation Day, this would have been a welcome opportunity for me to watch what I wanted on Monday Night (rather than the foolball game) and indulge in some self pampering. Well, boss likes to go out, have a drink and eat at the sports bar while watching the game and admiring the young ladies–you get my drift. Not to mention the available pay per view movies available at the hotel. Ah well, this is HIS recovery and his issues to deal with. Doesn’t instill a lot of confidence.
Our counselor says that the period that we are in now, when we are trying to rebuild our relationship is the most tedious but also the most fragile. H is urging that we both remain patient with ourselves and with each other. How long? Will this ever? The “checkmate” that he and I are at is forcing me to reexamine my choices. . .he is requesting that I be patient, that I give him time, that I give US time to heal and that I give time for our relationship to heal. Don’t know if I’m dealing with healing or forgiveness, neither or both. Honestly, I don't know what I really want--there are moments when I am certain that I am ready to pack up and check out but there are times when he and I do connect and it is a wonderful. So why am I staying? I'm pulling off my co-dep shades, but he's still wearing his. I believe that for our relationship to survive, we both need to be healthy individuals who can function independently of the other--I work toward that each day. I would struggle financially if our marriage ended, whereas he wouldn't have any financial difficulties, but would be a wreck otherwise. Thats an issue that he will have to address in his own way in due time. Ironic, he is emotionally dependent, I am financially dependent, and we are both screwed up.
Confused Creole who is living in the present reality. . . .
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Post by creole on Oct 11, 2005 9:23:53 GMT -5
Another weekend, one when H planned to “share” with me what he’s learned in his counseling, but it never happened. Guess full disclosure is too much to ask or even hope for. I am not really sure what he will tell me (if ever!) and I'm not sure how I will react. He certainly lied to me for 27 years and skillfully indulged his covert SA/PA behavior. H insists that he has never acted out. . . .that he has never been with another woman (or man for that matter) since he married me, that he simply wrote the fantasies about encounters, but who knows. I am still hurt over the fantasies, especially the ones that centered on his secretary who works with him every day; H actually has the opportunity to spend more time with her every week than he does with me. Yeah baby, trust me. Right. Plus there are the gay porn fantasies.
From my perspective, H is still emotionally very fragile right now but I’m not exactly bulletproof myself. I realize that I’m not being very empathetic but today I feel that my reservoir of empathy has been drained. For instance, his daily routine involves coming home from work, having dinner, watching TV and then going to sleep in the chair or going on to bed usually by 8:00 pm. Pretty humdrum. However, an exception is those evenings when he goes to the studio room and plays drums & guitars with his picking partner till 10:00 pm or so. On those evenings, he is really energized, and doesn’t have a bit of difficulty staying up. So, you ask, what is my problem? I am unhappy about the fact that he’s using the excuse of “I’m so tired” to avoid spending what I consider quality time with me. Heck I work full time too but I don’t use that as an excuse to avoid spending time with him. I dammed sure ain’t gonna be H’s couch ornament. Since he, in essence, “checks out”, what do I do? I go into another room, or out onto the front porch, and call up one of my friends or a family member and have a nice visit which just makes H angry when he wakes up. Action-reaction-vicious cycle for both of us. I’ve actually stopped talking on the phone as much as I used to and I now have more rollover minutes that I will ever use. . .but does that seem to matter to him?
I find that I am asking myself (again), what do I really want for my life, for this relationship. H is terrified that I will end our relationship, he acknowledges that fear. I can't control his fear, all I can do is control myself, to control my choices and let my emotions be experienced but not rule. That detachment is very difficult right now. . .I can see the results of his efforts as he's worked thru recovery, and they are very encouraging, but I again come full circle to the disclosure, what to believe. I pray daily for emotional strength and courage.
H's birthday is tomorrow. . . I've purchased his birthday presents, and now I need to buy a card for him. I hope he appreciates what I bought him. . . .two of his items on his "wish list", a nice calphalon chef's pan and a new boombox CD player/tuner for his office. They were on his list. I will also cook birthday dinner for him, at his request, fried chicken with mashed potatoes and cream gravy, homemade cathead biscuits and butterbeans. No cake--I am a pretty fair dessert chef, but he doesn't want a cake.
H is at home this morning, as he was yesterday. He took those two days off. He asked me if I would remove/delete the search history from the anonymizer program so that he could post on his political messageboards. I haven't yet done that, and I may not do that. Its not just the search history; heck he can type in the website addresses and hide it simply by deleting the history, but the searches stay in the cache. I know that he accesses the anonymizer program from his office; he wrote some of his lovely essays from his office computer and emailed them to our home computer, and I can't prove that he doesn't have his favorite sites bookmarked on his office computer. I guess I should just change the password for good and keep him off the dammed thing anywhere. Not sure if I'm ready for that battle, but it must be faced, and the more I try to avoid addressing the issue with him the worse I will feel and it increases the potential possibility of the discussion escalating into a full flown "bash and smash" argument. H has been re-reading his Carnes workbook and going back thru his exercises the last few days and I believe that he is seriously working on recovery, but I just don't know. I've been patient a long time, and he keeps asking me for more patience with him, and I'm not sure that I've got any more to give. I must remember:
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced"
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Post by creole on Oct 14, 2005 16:19:20 GMT -5
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced"
This week, I've been pondering the difference between my H's "sobriety" and his "recovery". In this journal, I've been using the term recovery quite liberally. . .and perhaps its time that I differentiated between his sobriety and his recovery. Two separate terms. With regard to this particular addiction, I believe that its possible to be sober for periods of time which would allow a person to enter recovery, and continual sobriety would result in ongoing recovery. But, to my knowledge, over the years of our marriage, my H's pattern of indulging in this addiction wasn't a constant, daily thing. I believe that he had periods of sobriety and abstinence from the addiction, but that sobriety certainly didn't lead to his recovery.
His sobriety--with all due respect to the two-step of co-dependency & addiction, as far as I can tell, he's been sober. Since the internet browser program, I can find no indications of him viewing or searching for porn on our home computer. Can't say that about this office or laptops cause I don't have access to them. I know that I am well within my boundaries to ask, but I realize that I can't control his choices, his actions. All I can do is control mine. I guess I will save that particular confrontation for the future. Compared to his prior behavior, reactions, attitudes and moods, he's really making an effort. Its been several months since I've shared a room, a house, a day with the totally self-absorbed, depressed, moody, cranky, short-tempered SOB that I married. I'm not saying he hasn't exhibited these behavioral traits because he has, but it hasn't been for days and weeks on time, and the MAJOR change has been that he is becoming more comfortable with expressing his anxieties, his disappointments, and his fears. This change has been a good thing, it has allowed me to feel empathy for him as he has struggled. For the last 10 years or so, H repeatedly blamed me for the lack of intimacy in our relationship--he told me so many times that the I couldn't be emotionally intimate with anyone, not my family, not him, etc. I knew that was wrong then, and during his counseling, he has discovered that it really wasn't me who was at fault. Acknowledging that has been difficult for him. I don't rub it in his face, I don't remind him of it daily, or even at all, but I know that its tough for "Mr Man" to accept.
Adjusting to my new "attitude" and my boundaries is an ongoing daily goal for him. Not that I'm pushing the envelope, I just ain't taking no more of the BS, will call his hand, and absolutely insist on the boundaries as essential to my mental and emotional security. Dont know if all men are like my H, but I no longer question the fact that they are really wired differently. Making it a point to re-read the "Men Are From Mars--Women Are From Venus".
Recovery--I guess H's few months of sobriety (as far as I can tell sobriety) have placed his feet on the yellow brick road of recovery. Well at least, recovery from the SA. He still self-medicates with the alcohol (and he would with the smoke if he thought he could get away with it) and it hurts to see him "check out" . He and I are rebuilding our sexual relationship as well and he feels a great deal of anxiety about being sexually intimate with me. He is most uncomfortable with my boundaries with regard to sex with him. . . light on, eyes open, be here with me now in the present which just contribute to his ED and thus a lovely cycle. He's frustrated, I'm frustrated. Patience Creole, patience.
In summation on this Friday's thoughts, I believe that H has been sober for the last few months, but I am questioning his "recovery" as he is still using alcohol to avoid the feelings of anxiety about work, me, etc.
Sober? I think so. In Recovery? Only time will tell. . . .
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Post by Gewis on Oct 14, 2005 18:01:23 GMT -5
I just read your journal so far, Creole. Wow. Your patience is inspiring. I noticed a bit of a trend. At first, you were rather detached and almost had a serene outlook. Your H wasn't going to disturb your tranquility, and you were able to be happy. As time goes on, though, it seems you're getting pulled more and more yourself into the anxiety of it. I admire the mature and calm outlook you've had, and I hope you'll be able to detach yourself and pull farther from the conflict again. I could be wrong, of course. But that was my impression. Good luck.
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Post by creole on Oct 17, 2005 14:26:46 GMT -5
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced"
Why Gewis, thanks for the note & observation. I figured that some board members read my journal but not too many post. I appreciate the insight and you are absolutely right. . .lately I've been allowing my focus to change from me and my recovery to H and that has resulted in a bit of anxiety.
Wednesday is a major day for us. . .we go to the counselor together for the first time since Revelation Day. H is frustrated with his progress/recovery. I do believe he is sober, just not sure how applicable the term recovery is to his progress with both the SA & the Co-dependency issues that have affected his behavior, choices, all these years. H is still exhibiting some of his prior co-depedent behaviors, most specifically, "I want to make you happy". While one part of me is thrilled to hear him say that, another part of me is saddened--H knows that he can't make me happy, my happiness is MY responsibility, just as his happiness is his responsibility. Nevertheless, that doesn't make him stop feeling that way, and until he addresses the core behavior that causes him to feel that obligation, he will not progress to become a healthy partner for me. I feel that he and I are still just room-mates; in spite of all the progress we have made over the last 5 months in many areas of our relationship, the fact remains that we are still two separate people who are struggling with our own self-identity, choices & emotions. I believe that the only way our relationship will survive is for both of us to function independently of the other, in all ways, emotionally and financially. Oh what a tangled web. . . .our relationship is still too fragile and damaged--its tentative at best. I've "ripped that bandaid" off and am doing my best to face the wounds, the lack of trust, etc. but he still doesn't want to believe or to accept that our marriage might not survive this.
I know how I feel right now. . .and it has been extremely difficult for me to tell H. When I look in his eyes, I see his pain, I see how really vulnerable his emotions are. I believe that H loves me, but I also believe that he might be confusing love with me as his "security blanket". . .he knows that I am at our house and he can't bear the thought of me not being there, of me not being his wife, of me not honoring my promise when I married him. Even though I make no effort to hide it, H doesn't see all of the pain that still comes outta nowhere, like a lightning bolt, that changes me into an emotinal wreck in seconds. He told me that he is so grateful to have me in his life, that he really never saw all of the good qualities that were part of me until he began working thru recovery, and that he can't thank me enought for staying with him. Humm, wondering if this is the truth or if this is SA Co-Dep speak that is just lip service; perhaps somewhere in between lies the truth.
I took Saturday afternoon to review my goals, long term, short term. I also asked myself where H fit in with my goals. Since I married him, I've never really been the independent person that I could be. Damm co-dependency. . . .I did this to myself.
Its time to pull back, really re-examine what I want, the direction that I want my lift to take, and what I can do to achieve my goals.
Wednesday. . .perhaps another Revelation Day. I am asking for God's guidence and I'm listening to my inner voice as well. My last fortune cookie told me "the smart thing to do is to begin trusting your intuitions". Good advice!
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Post by Gewis on Oct 17, 2005 14:35:30 GMT -5
Oh, I surely hope your H is sincere when he says he's grateful for you. If he is, it's very wonderful. I'm crossing my fingers. You're right that he can't make you happy, and you can't make him happy. It will be a good sign when he comes to saying, "I want to be happy, and share that happiness with you." Of course, that takes a long time.
Keep doing the right thing, Creole, and you'll get through this. I hope Wednesday goes well, or at least provides insight and answers.
Gewis
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Post by creole on Oct 20, 2005 8:56:18 GMT -5
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced" First joint counseling session with H since I hauled his ass in after Revelation Day. That session reinforced and confirmed my impression, feelings and beliefs that I am in a relationship with an emotionally adolescent, extremely co-dependent, man who is using me for his "security blanket" because he is too afraid to live without me in his life. I know that he used his SA to self- medicate his fears and anxieties for pretty much all of his life, but damm it is so difficult to sit and watch him avoid addressing his co-dep behaviors & issues and that angers me. I realize that he has the "double whammy" to address, both the SA & the co-dep, but I must again ask myself how much longer I do I want to be patient and wait for him to work thru all his issues. I realize that I have a choice, I can stay or I can go, but I'm trying to be fair. I read somewhere that healthy relationships require two people who are independent of the other, not interdependent or co-dependent. I feel that I can move forward with my independence, but I am certain that he cannot. Reality check Creole, he might sit where he is for the next 20 years without ever addressing those issues, without ever moving toward emotional independence, because he will focus his energies primarily on continuing sexual sobriety and recovery. How long am I prepared to wait, all in the name of being "fair"? Although we share a bed and have begun trying to reestablish sexual intimacy. I don't want to be just a room mate and someone to have sex with on an occasional basis. That's not an acceptable choice. H also told me what triggers his acting out--bad days at work, good days at work (to reward himself), Saturdays (because it was a good time to have a party for himself), Sunday nights (because he was so anxious about going to work on Monday am), hotel rooms when he traveled on business trips, being alone by himself, being bored. eating too much junk food, too much clutter in the house. Good golly Miss Molley--JUST LIVING! The disclosure of all those triggers stunned me--all I could do was just sit in that chair and cry, which really upset him. How can this relationship succeed if just about everything or ever situation in his life is a trigger for his acting out and possible relapse? Tears slide down my cheek because the bottom line truth is that this isn't a healthy situation for me, and it hurts because I do love my H. He has improved, but it will be a long, long time before he is emotionally healthy. He shared what he needs from me, and from my perspective, those needs put me back into the co-dep dance that we did for so long and I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE AGAIN. I will call the counselor to see if she can work me in for a session. I'm not hiding my feelings from him and I'm certainly not repressing them. Chin up Creole. . .remember always: "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced"
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Post by creole on Oct 26, 2005 14:36:00 GMT -5
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced"
Very difficult week. Just a few hours after my last post, I learned that my father has an inoperable brain tumor. That news has been a hard pill to swallow and I've decided that it doesn't mean a death sentence for him--its his license to live. That caused me to ponder my situation with my H further--I have a God-given license to live and to be happy too! Reality: I'm unhappy with my life right now and I am the only one who can change it. So tonight will be the night to "share" what I'm feeling with my H.
The co-dep Creole is still fighting for control. . .to behave in ways that spare others pain, to self-sacrifice to make others happy. Damm, I know that the SA or PA is a really difficult addiction to overcome and manage, but so is co-dependency. Just about the time that I feel I've got it whupped, here it comes again, WHAM! I guess like a SA/PA, I need to be more cognizent of situations that "trigger" me into reverting back to my co-dep behaviors.
Take a deep breath Creole. . .speak the the truth Creole. By doing so, I will be facing my fears, but more importantly, I will be honest and truthful with myself and with my H.
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Post by creole on Nov 7, 2005 12:47:51 GMT -5
In the last 10 days or so, since my Dad was diagnosed with the brain tumor, I've again entered a period of mourning, of grieving, of anger. Anger that my Dad has this horrible medical condition, grieving for all the things that he will not see/do, mourning. This is another major hurdle in the road of life that I must address, I cannot avoid it. Dealing with the death and the mortality of a loved one results in an adjustment in our lives, our emotional stability. I've been grieving and H isn't happy.
I told him that I really can't deal with and I don't want to be bothered with his insecurities and his neediness now. He doesn't trust doctors, he doesn't like hospitals. I am just so overwhelmed emotionally right now--anger and grief can come at any moment and if I feel either of those emotions, I have to let them out, not keep them pent up. H tells me he can be supportive of me--yeah right. I aked him, "what do you mean supportive of me? How exactly do you means to be supportive?". He told me he'd listen to me. . .would be there for me. So what does he do? After talking with my Dad on Saturday, I was again overwhelmed emotionally, and began crying. H went in and proceeded to light a J and asked me if I wanted some. . .totally disregarded my boundary, and this is one we've had had issues about in the past. I just packed up & left. . .he wanted to know why I was leaving. DUH!
I feel like I did back in May, when I discovered his SA in that I am so all over the place emotionally . . .I watched that great movie "Gaslight" on Saturday night. I can see so much of H's behavior. . . .and hell, watcing the movie triggered my anger at him, for his lack of even trying to be more than just a roommate to me. I guess H doesn't feel like he has to change--good ole wife Creole is still here, still sleeps in the same bed, still has sex when he feels like it, excuses to Creole if she wants sex when he doesnt want it or doesn't feel like it. Yeah, Creole, keep buying that gaslighting bullcrap, "just be patient, I've changed, I'm still changing". I'm so dammed tired of patience. . . .what has it gotton me? Not one dammed thing.
AAAGGGGHHHHH.
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Post by creole on Nov 7, 2005 17:13:22 GMT -5
All right Creole. Enough of this "stinkin thinkin". Time to make a plan, follow thru and move forward. What is stopping you, what is holding you back? Time for honesty, time to clear the air, settle the dust. Issues to be discussed:
1. My current unhappiness regarding the continued violation of my boundary regarding his choice to still smoke pot. I'm not gonna comment on the alcohol; we both need to drink less, and I've even stopped drinking during the week, but he sure hasn't. In fact, he's "sober" from the SA, but my gosh, he's still using the alcohol & pot crutches to avoid dealing with his feelings, especially his feelings about being sexually intimate with me.
2. My impatience and frustration at the lack of any sexual intimacy with me. I do not wish to endure another period of sexual anorexia due to whatever fear happens to be floating around in his brain. Why should he change? He still has me at the house, I am sleeping in the bed, when we have sex, its on his terms. His ED issues haven't improved with the sobriety. I'd like more than just "please be patient". I've been patient, and I've worn that particular pair of shoes OUT, worn them out at least TWICE and I'm still in the same spot. Time to change shoes.
3. Get my plans in place. . . .put on my "armour" and state the facts, just the facts.
Chin up Creole. The time has come to give H another reality check. . . .
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced
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