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Post by dj2005 on Apr 7, 2005 9:49:57 GMT -5
hey CL! it was great to come back from out of town and see you're still pluggin' along- congratulations and keep up the great work! one interesting thing i've noticed in my own recovery is that i'm learning to get familiar with unsatisfied urges. with 29 days under your belt, i imagine you've survived a number of those experiences, and each time you do, it becomes one more time that your body understands how to process this experience. here's an observation that may or may not be correct- your "stinkin thinkin" takes you out of the present moment and deep into the future (30 more days). when you say you have to decide how committed you are to your recovery, you are looking at this addiction as a big picture thing, and when you do that, it can seem insurmountable. But life doesn't happen from the big picture like that- it happens in the moment-by-moment choices we make. And in many moment-by-moment experiences over the past 29 days, you've successfully made the choice for recovery. You have proven, time and time again, that you can do this, one step at a time. It might be helpful, then, when stinkin thinkin sets in, to refocus on the moment before you. use your procrastination to your advantage here- put those negative thoughts away about reassessing your commitment to recovery, and deal with them some other time great to be back- i sent out a bunch of thoughts/prayers your way over the past few days- hope you got 'em dj
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Post by choselife on Apr 7, 2005 17:47:32 GMT -5
Hi, Benny I always appreciate insight and wisdom, and that is what I just quoted above. I will keep your thoughts in mind. Hi, DJ. What you said to me is the exact same thing I would have said to me, if I had thought of it first. You really did that? Wow, very thoughtful of you. For a virtual community, the relatioships on this board seem darn real to me. To be honest, I am a lot more honest and closer to people on this board (including you) than many people I have known for years, but remain relative acquaintances. Glad you are going strong. If you are ever not, let me know, and I will do my best to help. Thats an order, got it? CL
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Post by Autonomous on Apr 7, 2005 18:32:02 GMT -5
CL- what's going on? You have me worried about you over here.
I read yur post about your "flashback" and now this.
Whats up. Talk to me. Did you meet with therapist yet?
let's talkk ok.
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Post by dj2005 on Apr 8, 2005 1:41:13 GMT -5
What you said to me is the exact same thing I would have said to me, if I had thought of it first. You really did that? Wow, very thoughtful of you. For a virtual community, the relatioships on this board seem darn real to me. To be honest, I am a lot more honest and closer to people on this board (including you) than many people I have known for years, but remain relative acquaintances. likewise! i'm having a hard time telling whose journal is whose here- i'd probably have twice as many posts here, if ya didn't keep stealing all my thoughts i'm right with you on the closeness thing about this group. It's amazing what can happen when we surround ourselves with the right people, huh?! this place is fertile soil for personal growth. Every time we come here, we are immersed in understanding, encouragement, wisdom, grace, kindness, and hope. how can we feel anything other than gratitiude and love for one another here? this is home. with my gambling addiction, i realized (about a year into my recovery) a key reason why i was able to stay sober. Whenever i thought about gambling, the image that entered my mind was no longer of the exciting casino. it was the meeting room where i had sat and listened to my friends cry and tell their heartbreaking experiences with their addictions. my brain has associated so much pain with gambling that it's very uncomfortable to even think about stepping into a casino. Tony Robbins would be proud of how i reprogrammed those thoughts after only 9 days here, i feel that bond is already establishing between myself and this community. I know this isn't about ego here (quite the contrary), but hearing others say that i am playing a vital role in their recovery is incredibly powerful. My addiction is no longer MY addiction. it's OUR addiction. And my recovery is no longer mine, either. The prospect of a slip becomes an attack on the group, not just the individual. And as my conscious slowly emerges from it's shell, this understanding will continue to flourish. these relationships here are very real, because we expose our souls and our deepest secrets, and we are still loved an accepted. Isn't it interesting? The more honesty, humility, and weakness we courageously express, the greater our capacity to experience love. Amazing! you are doing an awesome job- thanks for your inspiration. peace, dj
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Post by choselife on Apr 8, 2005 18:39:03 GMT -5
I had a tough couple of days, but I feel like I have emerged out of it more optimistic and happier (I think that word is first entering my vocabulary) than ever.
Just want to make the obvious statement that this would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me if I had not stayed sober.
One of the most significant changes in my behavior is that I am much more "out there", both socially and in dealing with professional situations. This is all an outgrowth of feeling less shameful, like I don't have something to hide that I am wearing on my sleeve. It makes me feel proud of myself (another word first entering my vocabulary). Because this is not the pride of getting a raise, or bowling a 250 game, or the boss saying I did a good job. It is the ultimate pride, which is of taking on and starting to beat your personal demons (DJ, that phrase just popped into my head and then I realized where I got it from ... didn't want to violate any copyright laws.)
Today marks 31 days sobriety. I feel stronger than ever. I will not get complacent, I will take things one day at a time. But I will also look ahead, with the anticipation that the next 30 days will be easier than the first. And wow, that feels darn good to be that optimistic (yet one more word first entering my vocabulary).
(edit) I LOVED writing this post. ;D ;D ;D
CL
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Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 9, 2005 6:03:49 GMT -5
Well done, CL. Your gradual but steady growth has been very evident. You've done a lot of introspection and identified major issues and you've worked on those steadily. This is all helping to give you that sense of pride that you mentioned. Moreover, many people here are now being helped by your support, analyses, and great example. Keep up the good work! Still
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Post by choselife on Apr 9, 2005 6:23:26 GMT -5
Thanks, Still.
Your support has been invaluable.
My goal for the weekend: dedicate it to being with my wife in every way that she would appreciate. My daughter is away on a trip, and it is just the two of us. Will report back on how that goes.
It is so refreshing to not being obsessed with me and my needs (or perceived but not real needs). Truly energizing.
CL
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Post by choselife on Apr 10, 2005 8:01:35 GMT -5
32 days sober, and I had a good day with my wife yesterday (we have the weekend to ourselves). Even included some romantic time, initiated by my wife in a lighthearted way. I have a lot more to say about this, but dont have time now. Anyhow, yesterday, we made love, went out for a nice lunch, took a walk by the beach with one of our dogs, had dinner, went to a show, went home and to bed.
Feeling a little bit stressed (Sunday is my typical stress day, as concerned about whether I have done what need to do for a new work week), but the good thing is that I dealt well with procrastination on Friday, and got some important stuff done.
One tough thing when the nature of your career is that some time has to be spent working at home is separating that time from time to be spent with family and other stuff. I am working on this, so today, I will spend tops 1 hour with work stuff, and maybe none, because this is the day to be with my wife.
Not an exciting entry today, I know, but then everyday is not exciting. Thats OK!
CL
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Post by 1975 on Apr 10, 2005 21:57:24 GMT -5
CL, Not everything needs to be "exciting." I for one am not here to be entertained. Congrats on a great weekend. I am finding some helpful things about Time Management and stress reduction on pages 477-480 of "Awaken the Giant Within."
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Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 11, 2005 1:43:37 GMT -5
Hi ChoseLife, I am so glad to hear that you had an uneventful but very happy day yesterday. Keep recalling how Friday you did not procrastinate, as you begin this working week. Gradually and cumulatively you will create the new habit of being able to relax and enjoy the weekend, and do all preparation for the coming week on Friday. It takes time to develop the new habit and you are inching closer to making your new work processes natural and regular. I'll be watching your progress with keen interest and lots of support! Still
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Post by choselife on Apr 11, 2005 6:06:54 GMT -5
1975, Diplomatic hint to get that book, eh? Thanks for the reference. Still, That is my goal. There are inherent stresses in my work which will occur from time to time, can't control. But it is a great goal to eliminate or at least minimize (voice of realism) those stresses which are within my control, such as those caused by the other P word, procrastination. Anyhow, starting day 34, sounds pretty substantial. Still kind of hate Mondays, lots of work to do, some stress, including (on the subject of procrastination) some stuff to get together for appointment with accountant Wed so I can meet April 15 deadline. The Monday AM stress makes me look at the 33 days sober in a different light, like "darn, now I have to maintain this sobriety." Don't worry, AWOSA if you read this, I am not about to act out. Just trying to acknowledge all feelings. I find that the most helpful thing to keep me sober is just going about taking care of business on a daily basis, which is why procrastination is so key. Working when I should be working keeps my mind off P (not that its been going there anyhow recently), and keeps me productive, reducing stress. Also in general keeps me out of my own head, helps my self-esteem, helps me be optimistic and helps make me much more accessible to people. CL
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Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 11, 2005 7:07:55 GMT -5
I must say I can sense your strengthening as the work-productive days add up. This does seem to be the key for you, and as you've discovered, you still get some time off on weekends (and hopefully, evenings). As you Americans say, good job! Still
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Post by dj2005 on Apr 11, 2005 11:01:11 GMT -5
hey CL! hope your monday is off to a great start! congrats on 34 days- that sounds AWESOME! honestly- i'm super proud of you - inspired, too i have also read "awaken the giant," and found that to be a great book. it's a thick one, but tony robbins has a way to make it go by quickly. there's so much great stuff in there! keep up the awesome work, and again, congrats on your continuing growth. peace, dj
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Post by 1975 on Apr 11, 2005 16:59:55 GMT -5
Eh, subtle reminder that you had said you wanted to pick it up. Thanks for taking it in a good-humored way.
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Post by choselife on Apr 11, 2005 17:04:17 GMT -5
1975,
I truly appreciate you following up on my journal. Your feedback is a great help to me. Thanks.
Lastly, I almost feel like crying from joy when the thought just occurred to me that one thing sobriety for 34 days is giving back to me is ... my sense of humor!!!!! I had forgotten that I had one as it had been buried in the mud for such a long time.
CL
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