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Post by minime on Dec 13, 2007 3:35:36 GMT -5
There is this guy that I like. I know he MB daily. Probably a couple of times a day I'm not sure how often P is involved but I can only imagine. Is it wise to enter into a relationship like this, PA need love too right?
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Post by megan11 on Dec 13, 2007 6:31:43 GMT -5
Me thinks you might be that guy from the looks of your other post. I think your best bet would be to gain some insight in the RA forum. I wish you luck with your addiction.
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Post by hurtandlonely on Dec 13, 2007 7:31:42 GMT -5
Trying to dupe women who are lied to on a regular basis by their PA SO's is not the best way to get advice. Maybe you are an addict - the lying sure fits.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 13, 2007 7:36:08 GMT -5
Is it wise to enter into a relationship like this, If you were my teenaged grandaughter, I'd tell you to run away quickly and find a guy who's emotionally healthy. I'd also tell my grandaughter to think through why she wanted to put on a pink cape and rescue some guy with problems instead of having healthy, balanced relationships. It's hard enough work to create a healthy relationship without the added stress of an addiction thrown in. If I knew half of what I knew now - I would have run the other way and not married my husband. I don't think PAs know how to give love - they are too self-absorbed with their addiction. They may NEED love, but they are incapable of giving love, empathy, intimacy until they get sober (stop using) and recover (learn the skills that their addiction stole). Thus, until he recognizes he has a huge problem and does the work of recovery, it will be a very lop-sided relationship without much in it for the SO.... except loneliness, objectification, lies and betrayal. LookingUp
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 13, 2007 8:28:28 GMT -5
This site is not for entertainment purposes.
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Post by minime on Dec 13, 2007 9:41:40 GMT -5
Thank you to the person that actually answered the question. I am not a guy, I'm a girl. And this post isn't about me. I do things that I don't like, like I said in the other post but I don't consider myself an addict, I do them more than I like but I don't do them frequently.
And I never considered it me rescuing him, I didn't know he had this problem or I guess I may have ignored this problem when I really started to like him. Incapable of love? It might be true but thats so hard to believe.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 13, 2007 10:00:47 GMT -5
minime, A book that may help put all this in perspective, including your occasional use of porn, is "Women, Sex and Addiction" by Charlotte Davis Kasl. It's about women who are sex addicts and women who choose sex addicts for partners. Here's a thread with some quotes and my journaling from the book: lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=Partners&action=display&thread=1143451179Instead of saying "incapable of love" maybe I should have worded that as "incapable of giving healthy, mutually satisfying, wholesome love" They love is skewed, just like their sex life is skewed. My opinion only - based on 5 years married to a SA (ended when he beat me so bad I miscarried - because I wouldn't screw his best friend); 20 years married to a PA/SA (who gave me a STD); and 9 years married to my current PA (who I stay with because his addiction hasn't turned into physical adultery but visual adultery only). LookingUp
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 13, 2007 10:03:37 GMT -5
I have to admit that your first post & second post left me with the impression that you were playing games, here. I apologize for jumping to the wrong conclusion. One piece of advice, be more clear next time. Obviously the posts appear to be a bit of a trick. More than a few got that impression. Clear communication skills are one of the many things being worked on here by many of the members. Addiction isn't about frequency always & only. What it's doing to your life, the consequences the behavior is bringing about and your ability to stop is a bigger indicator than "frequency". I must say daily MB would fall under my understanding of the definition of "compulsive masturbation" and that is a Level One SA according to Patrick Carnes, I believe. My H was a daily MB'er, sometimes 2 & 3 times a day. Part of my H's addiction deals with the fact that he felt the need to rescue me. Mine (my addiction) probably has... no, seems to have true underpinnings of the whole "rescue" factor too. Here's a list of my preferred sites for info & some books on the subject: www.sexhelp.com/www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Sex/sexual_addiction/partners.aspwww.recoverynation.com/* One note of caution about this site: It makes lots of noises & sounds when you navigate through it. www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/article.htm"Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli * A member here with an amazing book list of her own recently recommended this. I read it several months ago but not fully. But what I did get from it was helpful & the recent recommendation of it has stirred my interest again. I found mine at my local library. You may have it available to you at yours.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 13, 2007 10:13:36 GMT -5
Thank you to the person that actually answered the question. I am not a guy, I'm a girl. And this post isn't about me. I do things that I don't like, like I said in the other post but I don't consider myself an addict, I do them more than I like but I don't do them frequently. Some PA have a daily habit; others just need porn when there are emotional triggers. Analogy: Some alcoholics need to get high every night after work; others only binge every other Friday on pay-day weekend. Both can be just as addicted, but their frequency varies. Just a thought. LookingUp
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Post by zerotolerance on Dec 13, 2007 10:15:59 GMT -5
A guy who mb daily, or multiple times a day, has a serious problem. He needs to get help for himself, because no amount of love from woman will EVER fix it imo.
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Post by minime on Dec 13, 2007 10:20:45 GMT -5
Thank you to the person that actually answered the question. I am not a guy, I'm a girl. And this post isn't about me. I do things that I don't like, like I said in the other post but I don't consider myself an addict, I do them more than I like but I don't do them frequently. Some PA have a daily habit; others just need porn when there are emotional triggers. Analogy: Some alcoholics need to get high every night after work; others only binge every other Friday on pay-day weekend. Both can be just as addicted, but their frequency varies. Just a thought. LookingUp But the commonality is that they are both chronic right? I don't know. Even if I do it once a month its the fact that I do it at all which bothers me I guess. I guess I think P and MB is wrong for me. I don't care that other people MB but I think P is wrong. For him it seems like he's either at school, partying, smoking or MB and I know that that can't be healthy right?
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 13, 2007 10:27:53 GMT -5
But the commonality is that they are both chronic right? I don't know. Even if I do it once a month its the fact that I do it at all which bothers me I guess. I guess I think P and MB is wrong for me. I don't care that other people MB but I think P is wrong. For him it seems like he's either at school, partying, smoking or MB and I know that that can't be healthy right? Chronic? The behaviors can be halted. Addict do recover. I think you need to focus on you first, though. I didn't & now my SA is returning. I am not a/o but the urges to run & the fear I will again "not care" & become a "modern woman" scare me. I do not trust my judgements right now. Like I said, the consequences are more of an indicator than the amount, usually. If you or he can't stop when you want to stop, there is obviously some sort of problem there. He may not want to stop & may even feel it's his right. That's a whole 'nuther can o' worms.
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Post by minime on Dec 13, 2007 10:29:21 GMT -5
Ok
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 13, 2007 10:33:12 GMT -5
You know what, minime... I think it would be best if we continue this discussion in the Recovery section... out of respect for the partners here. lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=addictsI am an SA & partner as well. But I can certainly understand how this discussion can & will trigger many different emotions in them & others. Mo
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Post by minime on Dec 13, 2007 10:33:40 GMT -5
But the commonality is that they are both chronic right? I don't know. Even if I do it once a month its the fact that I do it at all which bothers me I guess. I guess I think P and MB is wrong for me. I don't care that other people MB but I think P is wrong. For him it seems like he's either at school, partying, smoking or MB and I know that that can't be healthy right? Chronic? The behaviors can be halted. Addict do recover. I think you need to focus on you first, though. I didn't & now my SA is returning. I am not a/o but the urges to run & the fear I will again "not care" & become a "modern woman" scare me. I do not trust my judgements right now. Like I said, the consequences are more of an indicator than the amount, usually. If you or he can't stop when you want to stop, there is obviously some sort of problem there. He may not want to stop & may even feel it's his right. That's a whole 'nuther can o' worms. I meant chronic in turns of frequency but you are right, if you can't stop no matter how often there is a problem. Sometimes I look at it just because its there which is why I found this board. Its just so easy to access so I can't help but look. And I asked him about it, I think he might know he has a problem, he told me he couldn't stop.
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