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Post by gtrplayer on Aug 12, 2007 22:38:05 GMT -5
Wow...here it is... near the end. I'm a terrible porn/sex addict. Wife does not know of my current use and abuse. She knows of previous use, of which I vowed to her that I would not do again. I simply have gotten extremely good at hiding it on the computer and keeping my actions very discrete.
She says she's not feeling nor has she felt "the love" for a long time and she's tired of waiting around. She wants a family, (kids etc...) and she says that she does not and has not felt that I'm "in it" for the real reasons. This time it's very real as it has been 10 years and she is now done waiting.
I've offered therapy for me on my own, and therapy for us and for us to get into church and cultivate a good relationship with God etc... Those things sound great, but she says that it's simply too far gone and that if I need to seek help for "me" then I should do that, but she's done giving time and getting nothing.
I COULD come clean here with her, but I KNOW that will most certainly run her off...and to top it off, she'll run off VERY angry as she has been blatently lied to for years! THAT would NOT be good at all!
I don't chase her much in an effort to change her mind as I don't think it's fair to her to try to keep her in this if she really wants to move on. I obviously have some BIG issues here and I know that. Whether we stay together or not, I KNOW I have to deal with my problem of addiction.
Do I love her? Am I in love with her? My objectivity is so blunted I can't say yes to these questions for sure. But I "think" I do....
Do I chase her to keep her?? OR, do I get myself into therapy and go from there??
I'm 40, she's 35, 10year marriage, no kids.
What a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all.
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Post by h3h8m3 on Aug 12, 2007 22:51:44 GMT -5
I say you just start working on your addiction. Everything else here is going to work itself out. She's going to leave or she's going to stay. But if you don't get rid of this addiction from your life it's going to destroy any happiness you'd ever have with her, or without her.
It's not up to her to go to counciling now. It's up to you. Do it. Stop waiting. Get the support you need. Take DRASTIC steps. Get rid of the computer from home if that's what you use to look at that filth. If your life and your wife mean anything to you you'll do every single thing needed to get rid of this addiction. Get rid of all access to pornography. Do it now.
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Post by P on Aug 13, 2007 1:13:57 GMT -5
I simply have gotten extremely good at hiding it on the computer and keeping my actions very discrete. . There is nothing worse that you could have done. |
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Post by gtrplayer on Aug 13, 2007 6:49:17 GMT -5
Ok....so I'm seeking thereapy today for the first time.... She knows I'm going to thereapy for "my issues" but has no idea to what extent my issues are.... she still says that it's just too far gone and it's way too late and that I need to do what I need to do. I could beg her to stay and give me 6months of time, of which she probably would, BUT.... as I said before, my whole view on life is blunted by my addiction and actions that I'm not real sure that's what I want. I'm not sure I married her for the right reasons in the first place.... I think I married her for the comfort of having someone there. Although, I'm also afraid that as I go through rehab with this, I'll get better and WISH I still had her. I also realise that there WILL be a time when I'll tell her peices of my addiction etc... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what to do now.......  ?? |
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 13, 2007 7:02:16 GMT -5
You need to take care of your recovery.. you addiction is not about her.. your recovery can't be either. Your choices to lie, hide, continue with your p/mb has been your choice. She apparently has put it on the table for you.. she is done. She probably knows that it is still the addiction and YES, she will be justifiably angry that you have continued to lie to her all these years. But the on-going lying kills a little bit of the wife every day... a little bit of our understanding, a little bit of our strength to fight this addiction. The saying in the partner's section is that "Porn hurts, Lies kill" and it is not off base. You need to focus on your recovery... not on her and what you think you want from her right now.
You need some sobriety and some recovery to really be able to make some unclouded choices. There are things in motion in your marriage that you may not be able to stop... but you DEFINITELY can't stop without recovery.
I hope your therapist is one who deals with sexual addictions. I hope you are able to take on climbing out of this addiciton for you and your future. This site is a wonderful support and there are many guys (and girls) here struggling to break free of this addiction that are here to help.
Encourage your wife do whatever she needs to heal... and you are right, that will only come with honesty from you at some point.
good luck-
dazed
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Post by timm on Aug 13, 2007 7:22:19 GMT -5
Yeah, what DC said. You are powerless over your wife, but you can work on your own recovery. Getting well is the best thing you can to mend the relationship. Get counseling, go to 12-step or other support meetings face-to-face and on-line, read, write, pray, use the phone, do it all. It's your job, and it's the most important thing you'll ever do. And of course get rid of the P, as h3h8m3 says; but remember that things like throwing away the computer are half-measures and can be real distractions. Our problem isn't our computers; it's ourselves. Be willing to change radically and fundamentally, whatever the cost.
Tim M.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 13, 2007 7:34:37 GMT -5
You mentioned she might wait 6 months - if you really want to salvage the marriage, you might ask if she'll give you that much time. Then again, you might ask and she may have changed her mind. If your therapist says "all guys do it" - don't be surprised... that's what my addiction services counselor with 20+ years experience said. She'd never learned PA/SA could be addictive. I gave her some Carnes books and then she was a great resource. If you want to find a PA trained therapist - here a link (you'll need to copy and paste since the comma stops it from being clickable) sash.net/component/option,com_mtree/Itemid,55/ Are you planning to go to 12-step, too? Since you want to get back to church, some churches have "Celebrate Recovery" or other groups to help PAs - after all a recent national poll in the US showed that 50% of pastors/priests had viewed porn within the last month - so it's a widespread church issue and not just a secular issue, too. Best of luck. LookingUp LookingUp |
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Post by Benderson on Aug 13, 2007 8:25:14 GMT -5
Sounds like you're saying, "If she stays, I'll get into recovery. If she doesn't, what's the use?" You can't base your decision on whether she stays or goes. That's just as bad as blaming her for your porning. Recovery is for YOU, first and foremost. You can't make her the prize for being a good boy and getting into recovery.
Do it for YOU, damn it.
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Post by completelydone on Aug 13, 2007 9:22:54 GMT -5
Let her go. You're wasting her life, breaking her heart, and crushing her spirit.
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Post by h3h8m3 on Aug 13, 2007 10:15:59 GMT -5
Why would you give up on the possibility that his marriage can be healed, when you've seen healing in your own life?
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 13, 2007 12:01:32 GMT -5
Please... tell her your honest feelings but have no expectations of her... don't tell her anything that will read as 'manipulation' because you'll likely be sealing the deal if she hasn't already which it sounds like that may be where she's at... that's where the next part comes in...
Be very real with yourself and do this for you.
You say you aren't certain of your feelings or what you want... maybe a seperation for the 6 months is a way to go... if you decide to ask this time of her AND she agrees to put off an official divorce for this time, perhaps she'd be more comfortable with the space...
Who knows, can't speak for her (although I'd caution your thought on her not being aware of your current addiction status)... only she can say what she feels and it seems she's very capable of doing just that... are you?
Truth hurts sometimes but LIES KILL.
Best wishes,
Amie
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Post by Bill Swan on Aug 13, 2007 12:07:11 GMT -5
It gets tougher when you have kids.
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Post by gtrplayer on Aug 13, 2007 12:43:10 GMT -5
Well.... we just had lunch together and she has essentially gave me 4 months. I know she's being dictative with this and I asked her what she expects in those 4months. She said, "I don't know, but if you think that you can get some kind of handle on these "issues" that you have and that if you truly believe that that handle will elicit a positive change in you, then within 4months, there should be SOME evidence of change." She also said that she's worried that I may go through a good positive change and then all of a sudden it not stick (relapse or something). So, there I have it I guess. I have a perfect golden opportunity to now go forth and prosper and seek out a life without porn and see if it DOES infact change my views on some bigger life issues. Will it? I don't know... I've been in a porn soaked mind pretty much all my life. There was ONE time, where I really tried and did well and I remember about 3 weeks...life was AWESOME. She want's to move to family (different state). I can't see that now at all, but then again, there are probably MANY MANY things I can't see right now. My gut says the right thing to do is to, move forward one day at a time and seek the help and do all I can to get free of this mess. Will it make me love her again? Will it make me REALLY want to be with her? Will it make me want to do this or that? Who knows.... No one can answer those questions and I understand that. However, I DO think that only "positive" will come from positive. I think it would be unfair to our relationship to end it while in a very very dark cloud of PA... although it sure seems easier and more fun as I would be free to continue on with my PA/SA... yea, that would be "fun" for a minute! But then what? Then I meet someone else and the very vicious cycle continues on?? "It" is a very real thing that very much destroys whatever lets "it" in! |
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Post by P on Aug 13, 2007 12:49:30 GMT -5
As long as it seems fun......
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Post by Bill Swan on Aug 13, 2007 12:56:23 GMT -5
Or you could die alone in a dark room with no one to remember you or live on through your teachings.
You've been given a reprieve, use it as best you can. If you've truly felt enough pain (i.e. your bottom) then you're ready to recover. If you want to give up on her then you can look at this as the end; she has let you go.
But judging from this entry, it sounds like you've already let her go.
PLEASE prove me wrong.
Bill
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