.. i ADMIT IT NOW I'm a PA

[otisdez]

Wow how did it get to this? I'm 29 almost 30 this summer. I saw my first porno in a magazine me and my Friends found in the trash back when I was 10. Then It drove me a little crazy. Nightmares and such. I didn't see it any more until I was 13. Out in the woods wondering around and found some ripped up pages of a porno mag on the ground(I wonder how that got there, probably a recovering PA from back in the day) I was stunned by the pictures. I hadn't yet reached puberty yet but something about those photos got me aroused. I came back to that same spot in the woods for weeks and weeks. Looking back on it now I don't know why it was so magnetic. But that was the beginning!
After a normal teenage life of friends,school and fun I started to find flix in my pops stash in his closet. On days they were out of town or at work I would pop in the video watch a few minuets and rewind the tape back to the same spot so they wouldn't notice. Little did I know back then my pops was propably a PA/SA too!
Finally I graduated high school got a good job and landed my first apartment at age 19! Me and my best freind would hang out, get drunk/high and watch flicks whenever we could find em' back when we were in high school. But that was every now and then Once a season or so. They were hard to find in my hometown back then.
But things changed when I grew up and got my own place. Then I found I could just sit in my own apt. and watch what ever I wanted whenever I wanted. The booze and bud helped to keep me sedated but it was the freedom of being able to p/mb without looking over my shoulder that most attracted me. ' It was almost like HEY I'M FREE TO DO WHAT EVER I WANT TO AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME". but that was just a start to a bad addiction that would last another 10 years. Today I took my 50+ dvd collection an threw it in the garbage. Why haven't I found a good girlfreind, why do I still work in a dead end job when I know I have the talent to run my own profitable business. Why am I so close to being broke all the time? Why am I 29 living the same exact life I was living back at 19? ADDICTION IS WHY! I realize that now. After having weekend after weekend of wearing no pants for two days and watching p/mb for days at a time. I found this site. I'm losing my friends,family and life for THIS! I have to stop. I called in to work sick today because I was too sick/horny to get out of the house. Is p/mb work losing my job over. HECK NO!! But it's so hard to convince my inner pervert to go outside and live when I have over 1000 hours of hardcore action on dvd in my closet. So today I took a stand and tossed my big bag of flix in the dumpster behind burger king. I hope this is the last of the addiction for me. I've done this before, but I never knew back then that there were others out there just like me who could relate. PEACE

[federalist]

YAY for otisdez!

Welcome, you've come to the right place.

I want to say to you right now that this is going to be a very long, very hard road. you are going to want to stop and you are going to hate it and try to justify p/mb, but you can't. This is the road to a better life.


One last thing: mb is the most difficult to quit. Do not let yourself continue it or you will find yourself right back neck deep in p.


Good luck, and God bless,
Federalist

[fridgeboy]

Let me be one of the first to welcome you aboard. I think you've found the right place, and as they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step. I'm about the same age as you, and really decide to start doing something about it maybe last year. I think I probably have a similar pattern, of early exposure to a P mag page, left carelessly in a hedge. Or rifling through my Dad's books, or waiting up for a film on televsion which I knew may have a sex scene. Yes, it's all rather pathetic and sordid when you think back on it. But excusable when you're an adolescent. I think now I'm trying to deal with it before I ruin a relationship and my career. I've read many guys' stories on here, that have done precisely that. But there is a lot of support on here, and many success stories. Good luck mate, and get out there!

[freedom]

Hey man welcome to the board! Congrats on getting rid of your collection, that is a great start. This place has really helped me, just knowing there are others out there that face this same problem is a tremendous help. Focus on your goal, to be p/mb free and don't ever lose sight of it.

Freedom

[otto9176]

I hope this is the last of the addiction for me. I've done this before, but I never knew back then that there were others out there just like me who could relate.

Hi Otisdez...this is exactly how I felt when i first found this site...it never even occured to me how many people were struggling with the same exact issues that I was and how similar the feelings were--it was a complete eye opener. So you aint alone here. Welcome aboard.

[otisdez]

What a trip! After getting rid of that stash of trash. I went out the hang with some buddies of mine. We went to a club and had a good time as always. What shocked me was the way the night ended. I told my best friend on the cab ride home I had just gotten rid of my porn collection earlier that day. "WHAT! " he said "you shouldve just gave em to me" But I know from past experience that giving away porn to friends is just like putting the stuff in the fridgerator. Sooner or later I'd just go back and get em' again. So I told em where I trashed them. And a hour later I watched in awe as my best friend , who I consider a genius in his own right climb into a dumpster at 1:00 in the morning looking through garbage in the dark trying to find my porno collection. I'm so glad he didn't find it. After he gave up the search I was relieved. FREE AT LAST. (hopefully for ever this time)

[MJ]

Hey otisdez,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can totally identify with how you found your dad's p stash. I used to do the same thing, pop in the video and carefully remember where the tape was so that I could rewind it back to the exact same spot when I was finished. I was so bold back then---watching it right in the family room when nobody was home.

Stick around this board, otisdez. Post often. We're all in the same boat here---you're not alone.

Peace,
MJ

[spottop]

Otisdez,
Congratulations for taking the first step, admitting the addiction and being up front about it. You are in for a tough ride but we are all here to help each other. I've been watching since I was in the 8th grade and I'm 48 yrs old now.

Viewing p became an obession for me as well as mb. Mb'ing 5-10 times a day sometimes, even mb'ing the following morning after my ex-girlfriend would have a great night of intimacy.
It was starting to make me late for work and it would take the place of me going to men's group. Not to mention the thousands of dollars I spent.

We are here for you, it has helped me to post, post, post. Plus constant prayer to God for his guidance. Take care and keep in touch,
spottop

[pac2544]

Wow, I can't believe how much your stories sound like mine. I found my dad's playboy in a cupboard in his work shop downstairs when I was 10 or 11. I used to go look at it when no one was around. Then on a paper drive for the boy scouts someone tossed out a whole pile of penthouse mags. We looked at the on a camp out one summer. It seems like it escalated from there.
I can remember riding my bicycle for miles as a twenty something and spotting mags that people had tossed from thier cars. I used to shop lift hardcore mags from adult books stores when the playboys didn't do it any more. Then came videos that could be bought through ads in the back of magazines. I would watch them and then burn them because I knew it was bad for me to keep watching. I always would order some more. I don't know how many hundreds of dollars I spent on my addiction. I don't care about the money. The lost time and relationships can never be regained.
I once stole some tapes from a buddy of mine (I guess i was trying to keep it a secret then). He found out, but I had burned them by then, so he made me pay him for them. I can't believe he is still my friend to this day. I think he is an addict too, but it doesn't seem to bother him like it does me.
Then came the internet. It was the endless fountain of porn. I have spent the last seven years looking at porn on a daily baisis. That is until I found this board. It took my SO leaving to shake me out of my funk. Life has to have more to it than looking at images of people engaged in sex.
Otisdez, I hope my story helps you realize you are not alone in your struggle. Throwing out your porn was a great first move. Coming here was a good second. I have found that I have moments of weakness and instead of giving in I come to the board. Good luck with your recovery. We are all pulling for you.
PAC

[imtheoneincontrol]

otisdez,

Welcome to the board. I'm right where you are in life - twenty nine going on thirty. Part of my struggle with p has been a struggle with the way I abuse my own freedom. I'd like to do better, and I think I'm at a point in my life when I really should. Send me a message any time you feel like it!

itoic

[9bogie673]

Welcome! first understand... you CAN BEAT THE ADDICTION! It'll be tough... but you CAN beat the addiction.
Start by getting the Carnes' books, and start a journal here at the board.
Try to make sure you stop by here as often as you can... it'll help. Let others here who go through the same cursed struggle help you through this. You're not alone.

[spottop]

Otis,
Just checking in to say hi. I've got to be here a lot tonight so I'm doing a lot of reading and posting. A real struggle.

Otis, come on back as often as possible.
Take care,
spottop

[borisyeltsin]

It's crazy, otisdez, we think we have all the time in the world and then suddenly one day it's like, "What the (expletive) happened to the last few years of my life?" Congrats for admitting you have a problem and dropping the stash.

I also want to thank you for your vivid account of how you became trapped by p. It's a story we can all relate to (my first exposure was some random ads from the back of a magazine that a friend found on the side of the road and brought to school. He ripped up the pages and distributed them to all the guys in our class and let me tell you, he was really popular that day). You really capture how a naked woman is some kind of a mystical thing for guys at a certain age.

But women aren't things, they're people. And when that sort of naive object worship continues into a person's 20s and 30s, it becomes pretty soul deadening, doesn't it?

Good luck, bud, and fight the good fight!!

BY