JohnG's Journal

[JohnG]

DAY 1

I put clean sheets on the bed last night. I made the bed again this morning. I had not made my bed in close to three weeks.

I am now registered at the new site under my old name (JohnG). I don't feel like posting there yet. It would suit me fine if I believed that not a single soul was reading what I am writing here now. I will have to come out of isolation some time but I don't want to just now.

JohnG

[MrOuch]

JG,

Thanks for telling us you live. Take the all the time you need. Your friends have been patiently waiting and will continue to do so.

MrOuch

[JohnG]

I have been reading here and on the new board.

My mind is kind of clouded. I don't remember what I was feeling/going through when I began my relapse in November. I don't really remember what it felt like when I wasn't acting out. I remember that I was happier but that is about it.

I read through page 86 on my journal and just feel numb. So many people who care but I only feel embarrassed at my own lack of gratitude as I read their words. I read my own words from long ago and they seem to have been written by another person - and perhaps they were.

A couple of days ago it occurred to me that I could no longer remember what it felt like to enjoy coming to the board. I thought perhaps that it was an obsession whose time had passed and that if that were the case I would be in trouble because I had never found anything else that helped me. In light of that fear I am glad (I guess) that I am here today. I still have it in me to post something.

This addiction is definitely progressive (if there were any doubt). I can remember years ago when I could go for days at a time without masturbating or looking at porn just because I wanted to. I can no longer do that (merely by the force of my will anyway). Since I relapsed I have masturbated anywhere from one to four times a day and have sometimes lost entire days in which I have done little else.



February 2

I am still here but just barely. A friend told me today that I should at least go through the motions - get into action, drag my butt back here, and the feelings and desire will follow. If I wait for the feelings I could be waiting for a long time. He is right. So in spite of having acted out again last night and not seeing the point right now and feeling no desire to be here, I will do so anyway.

[Curious Voyager]

I know.