My wife and I / Putting the pieces back together.

Is it the addiction itself she doesn't know about; or the relapses? It's not that one is better than the other; but it will affect your approach.

Congratulations.

I think that will be easier to achieve when you do not have lies of omission between you and your wife.

Yes. We have a saying on the SO side.... "truth hurts.. Lies kill." Having had several discovery days; I'm more angry that he lied to me by not telling me he struggles or has slips then I am that he had the slip.

When you know by intuition or God's voice that the time is right. Not in bed. Not after making love. Not after she's had a difficult week and needs to unwind. Not when the kids or grandkids are running around or asleep.

I'm not her; but in hindsight, here's what I would have liked: I'd want him to tell me in a SA counselor or pastor's office for various reasons. (1) I'd have support to get me started on my healing; (2) I'd have a trustworthy resource to start understanding PA - and hopefully he'd have some books to loan me on PA and SO healing for me to read and discuss with him. (2) So I didn't damage my relationship beyond repair with my drama-mamma, hurt-him-back verbal response. I wouldn't do that in front of somebody else - but I might on the way home; but hopefully by then I'd have gone through the initial stages of shock and realize I was in the grief cycle for the loss I'd just incurred. (3) I would know he was actually making strides to heal and not just dumping his "sin" on me.

Think through the worst case scenario then the best case scenario and how you'll respond to both. Chances are reality will be somewhere in the middle... unless you know her really, really well.

dazedandconfused and her husband have written individual and a couple recovery plan. Possibly in time she would be ready/willing to do that to try to heal the marriage.

Other couples have a weekly or twice-a-week discussion each week to discuss his porn - where he has to listen, validate, let her rant or cry and suppor that, and be totally honest. If she wants to know if you used your right hand or left - tell her; if you refuse, then she may take that as you don't care about her needs, are shaming her by refusing her question, are discounting her need to know. But the rest of the week these couples worked on their marriage and rebuilding and growing the strengths and camaraderie they share. This has two benefits. (1) She knows she has a time that he will be totally open and involved in discussions; but it also helps her set the priorities of what she really wants to ask - so that helps her not ask questions just aimed to hurt back. (2) He knows he won't be pounced on any time of the day or night, so he feels more secure and willing to be supportive during the talks. This would be something that could be negotiated in the counselor/pastor's office.

You help her find resources to help her on her own journey to healing - forums, groups, counseling, etc. Then it's a balancing act of learning to meet each other's needs.

Mainly you listen and validate and make sure you're at a place to make NO excuses and no blaming or gaslighting. This will be very, very important skill to have to help her start to rebuild trust. Your honesty has to cover all areas of life. If you say you'll be in bed at 10:00 and don't go until 10:05 - you lost trust. If you say you'll get 2% milk and buy 1% milk - you lost trust. If you say you'll pay the gas bill tomorrow and do it two days later - you lost trust. She will be in eagle eye mode hunting for anything to help rebuild trust - and it is horrendously hurtful when anything hinders that trust-building from happening.

I haven't ran a poll, but I would estimate that most couples here are still together if he confesses; however, if she discovered other ways - their chance of staying together are less. I presume, it's a difficult thing to tell her - but it sure beats her discovering you've porned. That's a double whammy. I believe you're taking the high road by coming clean.

The key words to remember are "empathy" and "vulnerability."

LookingUp


Edited to add

If the tables were reversed and she had a sex/porn addiction - would you want to know to support her through it, or would you want her to just figure it out on her own and keep you out of the loop? I think most people would want to know and be there for their partner after they adjusted to their own healing.

This is BRILLIANT advice LU... all of a sudden in a flash I SEE what I have been looking for and feeling... thank you!



Another thing Witness... of great importance (like has been said already but I'll reiterate it)... you need to know/see all 'tools' an addcit will use to get out of confrontation (because I can nearly promise you there will be at least SOME). I know you were just trying to explian who you are/your history to us, but for example, the first thing you say is "I've never spent any money on P. Never brought anything home or to the office other than via Internet. Never even thought about flirting with another woman."... that's all good stuff but it could seem to some (including your wife possibly) like you're minimizing what you HAVE done... I think I speak for most here when I say that it's ALL equally hurtful to us as partners of someone we thought we knew. That's not to say it wouldn't be more hurtful to know you had an affair with a real woman for example but we can only measure pain by what we already know so if the worst pain she will feel is her H's deceit (deceit being porn/secretive mb'ing) then that is as bad as it gets for her - doesn't matter what you didn't do but what you did do (she may ask if there was anything else at which point you can tell the truth about that but when you offer it it sounds like a defense of some sort. I hope that makes sense to you... just my opinion but it's my opinion based on personal experience as well as listening to others (here of course and worked for a help line)... people seem to measure pain based only on what they know/have experienced.

I agree with all the others... have a therapist or a knowledgeable person, someone she will view as equal between you (not someone you know and she doesn't if at all possible).

Your accomplishments are to be commended. However, I feel I have to say that 7 slips, imo only, is not acceptable. You can only do the best you can do and if that's the best you could do at the time I'm not trying to put you down at all or rain on your parade. Your improvement is good. Just that your wife may or may not be as kind with her words if you slip again and I don't blame her... what is your current sobriety count? If you want to be free, if you want to be a man of integrity... being totally honest with yourself and then others (including your wife) is the way to go... you can do this... you can go without 'slipping' ever again. The question I have to ask you is - Do you want to go the rest of your life without ever viewing porn and/or mb'ing again? Because I'm taking a guess that's what your wife will want and feel safest with and every time you 'slip' trust becomes more and more difficult to get back - same goes with the lies.

Hope that wasn't too discouraging... didn't mean for it to be. Just wanted to be dead honest about what *I* think would be a good idea for you when coming clean/setting yourself free. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Hoping your wife has a strength and the knowledge - and a husband in true recovery (learning new behaviours, new attitudes, naturally taking responsibility, understanding the hurt you have caused, patience for others healing, beyond minimizing and blameshifting, etc.) - all of which will help her get through this pain.

Best wishes to both of you.
Amie

Your wife deserves to know. I only wish my H had come to me either wanting to seek help or after having sought help. But, no. I had to find out the hard way. Three times. Even after all that I still had to argue to him why P is bad and hurt me so deeply. The only reason he started recovery is because he was was pushed to the brink of losing everything. You already have the advantage of knowing how insidious and depraved PA is. If you can save your wife from discovering your addiction the hard way, you'll save her a lot of pain.

I don't think I can add much more to the suggestions offered so far except to say that since that you are still continuing in this long struggle, your wife deserves the dignity of knowing. You are her husband after all. You can lay the groundwork for success by following the advice posted here, but you must ultimately let the chips fall where they may if you truly love and respect her.

I came to the right place to hear some honest answers. And I thank you all for them.

To answer Benderson, no, I have never told her. Once about 3 years ago she saw a picture on the computer screen. She is not too computer savvy and believed it when I told her that it just "popped up". I'm very embarrassed to admit that. Lying is always wrong. And lying to my wife makes me feel very bad.

Yes, I really do, in the depths of my soul, want to be totally free and clean. "Slips" are not acceptable. That's why I come in here almost every day and write in my jornal.

Yes, when I mention the things I have not done that are wrong I have only been doing what I promised to do and nothing more than that. Forgive me. My pride is still trying to hold up it's head. It has been about three weeks since the last time I looked at something I shouldn't have online. And I pray that that was finally the very last time.

I used to make excuses to myself that it was partly her fault (I know you ladies are going to pounce on this) for not wanting to have sex more than about once a week. After all I "needed" more. Thankfully I now see that it is my problem and that I bought into the idea that sex is REALLY important. Now I see better that sex is great but lots of people live without it and the actually moment is perhaps more enjoyable when you don't go around thinking about it all day every day.

My thougths have changed. I don't keep reviewing those images in my mind all the time like I used to. I have (thank God) been able to push them out and my mind feels free.

Sorry I got to rambling there! You ladies help me see how much this hurts. And one of the main reasons I have NOT told her yet is that I KNOW she will be devistated. It will be a big blow. And LU I know that I can't do it when she is busy or when she is tired. I don't know how I can find a good time to plunge the knife into her heart.

She trusts me so completely. It will be such a big letdown. I feel so ashamed.

I guess that is why I have tried so hard to hide it. My plan has been to become clean so that then there will be nothing left to hide.

And as far as having a counselor to help us that is another problem. We live overseas. And I don't know who to find or where to find that person. Not to mention that I am a minister in our church and having other people know would also be difficult.

Not one of you said DON'T tell her. And another friend on another board has been "after me" for a few months now telling me that it is essential.

So here I am. Heaven help me do what is right and do what has to be done in the best way possible.

And in my opinion, you also have the obligation to tell the elders, as well as the congregation, in addition to your wife.
How can you successfully shephard others with such blatant sin in your life? I'm actually tempering my statements somewhat, I don't wish to intentionally hurt you, but you have just voiced one of my worst fears of men in positions of church leadership - that they use p and hide it from the congregation.
I don't believe God will EVER free with you without full disclosure -so if you truly desire freedom, and want the 'slips' to stop, put your pride on the shelf.

Amie,
Of course you are right, protecting my ability to slip, might be part of my reluctance. I hope not. But this has not gone the way I planned on Oct. 26,2005 when I found this board. I thought then that I would put the permanently behind me. And four slips since March of this year doesn't look good either. When I thought I was getting better it seems like total freedom is still in the distance.

The only good thing I can see in failure is that it helps me see how much I need to change and that my plan has not been working. Steps have been taken. Progress has been made. But the goal still eludes me.

Partial purity = Impurity

I must break free. If only it could happen in a flash! But the truth is it is a day by day process of doing the little things right and not breaking the rules that are there to protect me.